Theif.

My room insists on devouring things that I need. Lyrics,picks,my Fleetwood Mac tee shirt,my fucking i-pod charger and my will to live.

Meanwhile drugs take the people I like.Kill’s ’em or strings ’em out thin and slow .And all I can do is watch it from behind the sofa cushions like some shitty fucking b-grade late show.

While rumbling home on the train after a shockingly busy Halloween at 77 I got to thinking while picking the diamantes  from my powdered sternum.

(“Who are you? ” the awestruck line of costumed revelers enquired of their door doyenne. “The muse of Mac Queen crossed with Bjork”. I so suavely replied while keeping my composure under a veil of ten tonnes of tulle,black contact lenses and other assorted crap.)

On the train…

I was thinking about suicide.Not me,well not yet anyway.I don’t think it’s necessarily about death.No,really.I tend to think that it’s more the desire for the terminal cessation of crap and static.A permanent stop to constant disarray.I am playing a show on November 18th and they asked me to send them a blurb for some advertising.You think that would cut it?

I got smacked in the face by the saucepan of my stupidity yet again tonight.Right across the chops. Bo-nnnng! The erosion of loss takes it’s sweet-assed time.Some days gently taking a grain of pain at a time,the waves sucking at the shore and before you know it…BOOM! there goes the fucking cliff face into the sea of misery.Crafty fucking thing this depression shit,this maudlin all consuming miasma and my muddled powers of fast failing description and whimsy.

bah.

First allow me to touch on envy.Awww,what the hell! Let’s just fistfuck the be-jesus out of it and be done with it.In for a penny in for a pound as they say…..This should go to prove just what a pitiful case I have become under my layers of fat,flannelette and bitterness.Behold.They were making out at the bus stop.Both beautiful.She gave me mad hair and low body fat envy.He looked like something out of Abercrombie and Finch.I wanted to push them both into the traffic.I viciously pinched at the roll of flab that I drag all over town currently enveloping my far too wide bones and kept my eyes down.

‘Cause one day I will snap.

With everybody dying around me or just being chronic with themselves I got to reading.

And I research I did and I wept with the futility of it all.The death of hope..Long term use.Side effects.Symptoms.Relapse statistics.I run to the bathroom,vomit pouring hot through my fingers.

And then….(just to top it once again)

Lost another one this week. LMM was on and off the methadone.Started using again.Huge shot of meth on top of it all,a seemingly innocent swollen foot and ta-da!  He-llo blood poisoning.They flew her ravaged body back to a long ago land in Europe and that’s that. I am too sad to be tired and to tired to be sad.Let’s get back to me being a terminally naive dumb fuck in the face of addiction shall we?

Peachy.

A hole and a heart beat.I could have been and am feeling like I was anyone.Just like the Kinks sang “Who will be the next in line?” The me of me didn’t matter.I thought it did but as time rolls on and the pain continues I realize I was not.Poor you/Poor little ego….

And check me out would you? I thought I was bringing such a neat package to the table and hey!I thought that mattered.I have lost my referral letter to my shrink.I am a wreck.I am writing the most horrible songs.

Love/Love/Love/Love…..She thought that she could beat it,the thing that owned the one she loved.That she was enough.She had no fucking idea what she was up against.( let me love you baby,lets have a happy ending.lets make it out alive.let me help.let me save…..)

No.

I am not entering into any personal correspondence right now.You love it? Its  gonna do nothing but leave or die.Don’t ask me how I am doing.I want less and less.I am too afraid to care about anyone or anything anymore.It extracts too much and leaves to little and I have far too little,if anything at this point,left.I am spare with it.Full of water and less and less sustenance.I regain control via denial and  restriction while all I ever loved loses it and I have been to too many funerals.I am lost for words so please expect none…I am in no fit state for company or conversation at this tender point.I can’t believe that I thought that I was worth it.That I was different.

No punch line.

I am a junkie magnet. Fucking methamphetamine.

Fuck the desert and fuck it all.Chemicals.Fucking thief.Cunt.Stole what I loved and ruined it.I didn’t have a hope in Hades did I? (“Nope”) and that’s what stings so bad….

(the crystal meth took her baby away,took him away ,away from her…..)

I’m not ok with this.Nor will I be.Ever.

Fuck it.