A small heart beating in my abscessed jaw.

I told her that I would leave my jewellery with her, anything in lieu of the money that I don’t have and the pain that I did. And do. I have lay here for the last 5 hours staring at the corner of my Black Flag poster tripping. So high on painkillers that I crawled mewling and crying down the hall to the bathroom. I pray that my roommates are out. I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I have significant others tee shirt covered in blood and snot bunched up under my cheek.

I wish that I had this pain as a weapon. Better than the fantasy I had of making peoples assess spontaneously combust on public transport. I was trying to transfer it to my enemies, as I was broken inside the eye of it for hours.

Ross and Ash have both written me.

Ash wants to get home and play.
Ross is pissed that I haven’t written. So I wrote. Then he was pissed at what I wrote.

Today I abort myself. Today I am cursed. Sweating the foulest shit . my broken drug wasted teeth. The thought of finally meeting Henry Rollins, Thinking up perverted photo shoots that I want to do with Miss Cathy Pirate queen. Tracing my hipbones with a razor to take my mind off the pain in my mouth.

And I dream of money and freedom and plastic surgery and being in a coma and my hair growing back and stealing years and the sister that I lost and hectically drugged against my will I am melting into the mattress trying to work out what cars are fuelled by ill intent just by the way they sound, lights on my ceiling and I am paralysed. I swear to god but he’s dead . never listened to me anyway.

Fuck this all to small saveable easily storable pieces.
Today I rot and sway in the summertime.
I keep an eye on my enemies I am not war ready I am not a true believer.
I am running the risk of becoming all that I hate, today I am closer than I want or need to be.
And there I sat and mazzy fucking star came on the radio, Hope singing “Fade into you” and children you gotta BELIEVE me I just wanted to throw my self into that Mexican mouth and DIE Don’t wanna feel like I felt that lonely summer and the night opened like a hot wet cunt and you couldn’t tell me nuthin brothers and sisters cause I was livin on Marlboros and star dust I am lazy and inarticulate.
I am on fire motherfucker.
Burning napalm and iggy? Is it me? am I the worlds forgotten boy. I believe it to be true; when one is cornered there is not much else to do.

Crippled with my period I got up and sang again dressed like an 18th century whore. Imagining a huge red stain would mar the back of my crinoline if I hit to many high notes so I growled and stuck to the shadows. All were drunk and rolling except me. I was sick and pounding. Ominous, Jasco tells me that he is a resource and to use him. I blame myself for deferring with respect when I should have rolled on.

I am a bad leader
I am a wound

I move my mouth and it sends a hatpin through my jaw. Flat on my back I am nought but an ill-defined mewling shitfit.

Huzzah.

My fucking liver is pounding and I am pissing amber. Knowing that I cannot afford my life is . equal parts terrifying and freeing. No, I can’t explain it. I am hammered.

This is neither a safe place nor a wise shelter. I would not visit here of my own free will as it would cost too much to stay. Id want to, stay that is. Be numb for all time. But there would be that gnawing panic in me “gotta get more, cant get straight” You would come undone if you got straight after the numb. I can’t stand it as it is, I hardly KNOW what it is right now but I know what its not and it’s not a free ride or an easy out and that is why I love it. It’s gross and hateful and it’s my big dumb never- to- make- the grade life.

Mine
Non-synthetic, or boosted.

I don’t even know why I am claiming it right now. Lets say I like a loser. The runt. I am the girl child runt of all ages. I seem to have misplaced my balls and my ego.

I want to forget and I wish I could trust you and you can be Jagger if I can be Richard. You can have the spotlight, you all can. I just want to sing a while .

Mikey and lex came to the show as did Porn and Miss Lili and they said they were proud of me. I have been feeling so tattered that I wept after the fact. I rode Pjs words all the way to the aqueduct and I brought my Love, Miss Maggie’s tiny white hand in my brown-callused paw.

[Do ya love me? Do you love me?????]

Oh man.
I can’t shut my mouth and the air is rotting on my tongue. I am ment to be mighty and busy tonite but instead my corpse fells me once again. My lesson learnt today was to lie when asked, “What’s wrong”. That cool breeze through my red curtains makes me cry with a childish ease. My skin smells wet and dangerous to touch. My low internal swamp is filtering up through my pores.

I imagine the beaches marshal law and donut hindered oficers. Merry Xmas, merry Xmas. Like this was never going to happen?

Gonna try and sleep cause when I am there I am not here. Cant work out which is worse not that it matters tonight.

SF4L
Michele.