The roses every one were red,

And all the ivy leaves were black.
Sweet,do not even stir your head,
Or all of my despairs come back.

-Paul Verlaine, “Spleen”

Woke up bitter. Shoulda been a blues singer, all that fixin to die shit woulda fit me like a goddamn glove today. Everyone had a target superimposed on him or her. I swear, I wish I was making this up but I can understand where mass murderers get off right now.

Saw this gaggle I guess you would call it of bovine pregnant women and I couldn’t think in terms of children I was thinking tumours with no social skills, obese, ADD . the chips are stacked and the planet dying and there’s me on my bike trying not to scream or vomit. At this point in my time I view not reproducing as one of my greatest achievements.

I’m not gonna ask you to excuse me, you wanna read you read . The gym was master and confessional today. Sunday on a tredmill.Stunning.Don’t matter how crowded it is NO one trains near me give a shit? I think not. Fuck my idiot friends too. I cant stand my own shit I don’t need yours. I am polite enough at the best of times but there is a rope and I am twisting at the end of it. I do at least 8 stupid things a day and that is an ass scraping bare minium I am sick of other peoples shit. I get some variety going in my stupid action, the self-hatred is always the same but it provides solid bedrock for me to build my tower of spastic babble on where was I?

People who were calling me a “has been” 6 months ago are now writing me gushing emails referring to how far “back” we apparently go and “Could you get me into the BDO?” people are so shocked when you actually tell them to get fucked. Which is what I did on King St today. I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel awesome. It was the highlight of my weekend. I can’t believe I said it but it felt so right.

Something is tearing inside of me. I know I’m not alone, but you have your war and I have mine. All my failures that compound into cold sweat producing fear at the stupidest times. All time feels somewhat stupid tonight. It was funny you know, Miss Terror was spoiling for a fight when we all rolled out to see Area 7 in the most crap weather and I made nice with the Neanderthal that was picking on her while she sounded off. Why I hear you ask? good question . because past experience has shown me that they never fight the pretty girl no, the pretty girl gets of the hook while I get the shit kicked out of me.

I am over pretty girls tonight.

Failures. Today was the day I got married. Good for me right? I told significant other this rather morosely and he laughed. Which made it all shift and drop back into place quite nicely. Did really think that I could do it at the time? I wanted to. Significant other freaks me out. This is the first serious thing I’ve looked at in a long time and it’s messing with me. I never think that I should be with anyone. That I am a black cat bone to those I adore.

Dribble on

Blah.

I want to believe in moments and something good, that you can make a difference but toady I was panicked by my lack of hope. It all looked so fucking pointless. Wanted to throw the merge pile of shit that I own onto the street and set it on fire. Douse the lot. I want to walk always toady. I was thinking how angry I was all the way home. But it wasn’t really anger. I think that it was sorrow with a coldsore and a .22.Like when a fat chick looses heaps of weight but still has a chip on her shoulder. That kind of seething bitter vibe. I fold? I lose. This I know, but what has got me knotted is that I don’t know what the hell it is that I would be losing.

Some game huh? I do want to die on my feet in the field. I shouldn’t have shut up all the times I did. I see the bums on king st and I feel like I am so close to whatever abyss they inhabit. The liberty of really giving up. Anyone can go crazy at anytime Mental Ebola?

Fuck you if you are gonna be useless. I think that is the main angle I am running. I have more than enough useless on my own I don’t need yours. I am hard pressed to know what the fuck I need but let me assure you that a fresh lashing of steaming useless is pretty far down on my eternal list.

Why do I still protect people from me? I found the email I wrote you when I was stumbling after what was left, after you so casually blew it up . you know what? Fuck it fuck fuck you and fuck the fact that a year on I still think that I would get an answer or that it would make any sense.

On ward and upward

It’s hard for me to cut myself off after 3 hours at the gym. I dream about beating you to death.

SF4L
Michele.