The worm that destroys you is the temptation to agree with you critic,to get their approval.

-T.Harris 1999.

Unsafe and falling short
Eyes rolling
Knowing
That your fucking out
But so modest
In your stoic stupidity
Some find it endearing
I am not among those numbers.

-The milk of human kindness.[New song.]

Shallow systems/on life support/no energy to abort yourself…..

[When your father died I wanted so badly to still be in your orbit.To love you.Years later I still think of it.Breathless,running back to you.]

March 05′ [not dated]
I am sitting in a crappy cantina on Santa Monica eating food that I really dont want or need cause it gives me a chance to sit down.All the vegetables taste slightly soapy.Its overcast but not so bad that I cant see the Hollywood sign and wonder what the fuck lead me back here again.I wanna buy white knee sox and dress like a chica gangbanger. I think of the way that the musles in her spine seize when she coughs.How I still want to love her.
Im thinking about how I starve while all around me snort their daily diet requirments.I love the things that she says when the relaxants kick her numb.I love that I know that 50 zanax cost $180 on the street,where to get the best coke,where the needle exchange is.Where to go to get the free HIV tests next to Starbucks.
All the information that couldnt serve me less.
And Me with clear vision seeing how ugly I really am,how ugly it all really is.
The first nite I ever had my glasses when I was a kid I snuck outside at midnight and lay down by the dead water of the pool.Waiting to see my beloved moon and stars.What a stinking fucking rip off that turned out to be.Just light.Cold sharp light.No blur,no shadow,no fuckin romance.I realized two things that night.I was gonna get my ass kicked by ideals and that I am a fool.
There is a really ugly print on the wall in front of me.8 steaming horses.I need that kind of strength.
Happy to be alone today.Hail,Hail,Rock and roll.

Back to today,
Cant wait to play tonite.Woke up to early today and I will be paying for it later.Home alone as the lads have headed for the ocean.Its almost 3 in the afternoon and I have been on this thing all day…..

You are dry and stingy.Your company makes me itch.I want to beat you.Wrap you in your polyester life like a meek shroud and dump you in the river.I question why your mild beaten self offends me so much.Short sleaved shirts and ugly ties.I want to hurt you.

I am not the kind of “girl girl” that anyone would save so I attempt to be Errol Flynn to myself.Not protectable.Not worth the fight.There is no reward. She gives fools gold and swoons unconvincingly.Bad bass lines and short skirts….”No one cares” we croon.

I spend lazy mornings trying to sweet talk myself out of bed.The sheer scale of the teenaged flavored bliss of having a room to myself gets me high.My gym membership is gathering dust and I roam around fleet footed in my mind and my friends book collections.Had a rather interesting time back at the family pile and was squired home by my rather stoic and witty younger brother.

Writing short memory blasts as they hit me out of nowhere.My mind is cluttered with crap.Serves me right for reading Kant and Jung before bed.You go through stages when you think that you are astoundingly interesting.This is not one of them.Althogh I keep noticing that even the happiest times are drenched in meloncholy.Fucking writers.To whit….

-I lay on the floor outside the bathroom smoking joint after joint,shrouded in smoke the sun rising hung over on the new year.My lover passed out blissfully in the arms of a waif in the kitchen.Me aware that I would always be too much to be desired in the face of his infidelity.So stoned that I thought that my spine was stuck to the skirting board.Someone had hit repeat on the CD player before passing out and all I can remember hearing over and over was “Theres a riot going on ” By Sly and The Family Stone.

No one held me but we all held on until we didnt.

[Rev Kriss Hades kissed my hand when we ran into each other in Newtown and told Me “Please come,we need more rockstars and you my dear are a legend’ and even if he was taking the piss ,so flattered,I couldnt of cared if I tried.]

Nice when your heroes see you back.

Kids in Slipknot teeshirts yelling my name and the pain that is tring to push my eyes out.Makes my teeth snap like a rat trap.I am still nothing but semi mobile decay.I drempt that I was smoking,I drempt that I was not here nor was I me.

Still trying to levitate the fruit bowl and Missing my Bro and Monkey even though they are just across town.Gets that you are so busy doing nothing….

We [ Delux and I]
are, with Mark the artists virgo flavored help are shooting weird things on didgicam come sunday with the good old “Marbo 2000[TM]”
-Dude its a trolly!
-A dolly!
-Mate! Its a fuckin trolly!
-Yes,but it WANTS to be a dolly hence “The Marbo 2000”.
-Oh!
-Yes! Now you’re with me!
-Cause its all about “The vibe”?
-Exactly!.

All I know is that I feel like I should be doing hardcore cyber porn in my new wig and that is never a bad thing.So I am gonna look like a fat version of Leeloo in the fifth element.There are worse things to do with your time right? Right???

Nothing is ever gonna be as perfect as I want it at any given time so I am juct gonna treat lfe like the mud at woodstck and get it rock flavored all the fuck over me.[Read;Someone is having gym remorse.]

I want to go and make a tea while I sit here and wonder if anyone is gonna show up tonite but we have a rather alpha male rat that thinks that its his god given right to waltz in through the back door and eat the dogs food.To tell you the truth I am just glad that I am sitting here writing.I have been as backed up as our upstairs loo [“I stuck a 5 cent coin in my turd and 2 minutes later I saw it floating in the backyard! Mish,the plumber is commin today….”] I have got it all going on but I cant seem to get to the writing part.

Sydney keeps giving me low cloud cover.I walk around with my eyes on the pavement thinking about my fearless friends in shattered bands and betsits.Sitting in the living room while endless joints fog up the room and the smell of engine oil trails me up the suicide steep stairs and curls around me while I sleep under a borrowed leopard skin doona and have V8 dreams and 385. stock fuel injected nightmares.

Ross took me on a date the other nite.Went to the movies and then to BBQ king where the fat waitress followed me up the stairs when I went to use the bathroom and maybe I am the rock Jesus who has gotta forgive all theres stupid cunts for being stupid….dunno where I was heading with that.Wouldnt be the 1st time.*burp*,scuse me……

I am tending to live my life in cold shapes and wanton hours right now.Really hanging on the summer to fully kick in while I sit here stuffed after eating cold lefteover noodles from the inspired cooking that took place at round one this morning.Toddski has been sending me cool movie ideas that all involve shit and Miss Metz and Miss Lilli and rockin on and seding me pix that make me smile.Can some one PLEASE make me a tea?

I know that I have to start working with Ash [aka: Sir Pointy assfuck Aushwitz Munchausen.] again soon.Its a weird one.I have all the stuff that I wrote on my fat fueled wanna be Big Sur adventure but I never feel like its the right stuff.Metz tells me that I should post all the lyrics and I dunno.I find myself being mean to Ash at the moment but I know from past experience that the second I let him in and relax that he will do somthing so cruel to me that I will question everything.I dont think that he likes it when I am still or even a little happy.I hate to think of the arguments that rage inside him.I know that we are kin like that.Hell,I dont like myself either but ….

Just made 3 cups of tea so I dont have to get up again.

So, in the storage room where all the boxes of my recent and not so recent past hang as deadly as a nest of vipers.Poised….I wanted to see where my head was at at the beginng of the year and lo! That was the last one that I had hoiked into the box.I felt like it was waiting for me.With its religious icon stickers and G’n’R pictures plastered oh so cleverly over delicate rice paper.

I can smell the stale misery every time I open it.And as gross and wrong as it its I have to remember how bad it was cause I cant go back.I would never forgive myself and after the fact it would render me hollow forever.I didnt even view myself as worth saving at that point.A porky shadow trailing around after my betrayer.The love of my life.Does it look easy ? Not having the one thing that I thought was forever still there? Its not.It comes in waves.And I surf on…

I dont think about is as much.I think about all of the good shit that has flooded into my life since I cut the ones who hurt me loose.About roadtrips to Newcastle with delux for tattoos,feet on the dashboard whitetrash to the core laughing our asses off and its all about AC/DC [Just ask Beltsy if you dont belive me…]For all the support that has been given,Blooduster side of stage,Playing loud,The stitch in the back of my ear that the Dr over looked that I think I am gonna keep for luck.Its raining out there now and I really cant be arsed walking back to Crown street……

Had to wash my hair 5 times before the water ran clear.

I wonder what Ross and Ash are going to get up to in Europe? I think that Ash is like a beer induced gremlin.Fine during the day but add hopps after dark and you have no one to blame but yourself.Heleen is keen to push us so I wont say no.I wanna go to Europe.Uber van fuckin allies.I cant wait to play Germany man.Me in my star of david tee shirt and kilt.Perverse is the order of the day dontcha know niggerroo?.Ross has been writing from the dark places that no one wants to admit to.I hope that he posts it.Lists of people that he thinks are worthy of death.I know that I make the top ten on quite a few of those.

So I guess that I may see you at the show tonight.

SF4L.
Michele