Wake me up when September ends.

-Green Day.

Im worth a million in prizes. -Iggy Pop.

This is all gonna be pretty all over the shop as I have been meaning to get here sooner so I dunno how easy it will be to follow.Sick of veiled blogs and such so lemme set you on the right path before you dive into the linguistic shit pile that is Whitetrash….

My health has been shot to shit for a while and that finally landed me in Hospital.Its all lookin good right now so I am happy there.Dr’s dont like it when you ask if you can keep evil things that they have removed off your corpse.I was serious.I wanted to make an tumor and scar filled snowdome.Tissue ,glitter and formalihyde.Every home needs one.

Its a good feeling,feel like I am on the verge rather than the edge for a change.My head is all stitched up rather well.Think Frankenstein.Cool.

When your health fails? Oh brother!…I just want to get back on the horse now.I have been feeling so low for so long .I think that you get to forgetting yourself and I could see myself getting smaller every day.Had a real run of bad luck and betrayal on top if it all which served to compound my self hatred and misery rather spectacular mannor, so as you can imagine this is a good move for me.

Recovery is a pain in the ass for sure but what can you do?

So here is the fable thus far……

Stopping and starting trying to write and failing.I am just glad this week has flown by as fast as it did.Back to the smoke real soon and the commuting back and forth for dodgy health capers.

For now its done with and for that I am greatful.I am gonna make a tea and attempt to fill you in on the last few weeks or however the fuck long its been.

Passed out in Metzys bed under a poster of my band.A cool feeling indeed,I had a really good time in the ‘gong.Needed to have my mind taken off my mind so it was a sweet deal.Played a few cool shows and I dont know what it is but signed heaps of stuff.Jom,Metz and Lilli making it all go the extra mile and for that I thank Them.White tigers and yelling at the football.Gold.

I get to hang with all the right people if I let myself.I gotta remember that…We sat on the bed and looked at all their artwork .They put themselves so far out there and I end up getting to be a fan in return.They run circles around me.

We were talking about the whole writing angle and I said that I dont wanna be so cryptic with the whole thing,I wanna a take a Truman Capote pill.They all drank Vodka and let me relax.Outstanding.

I road shotgun home with Ross,Ash in the back seat arguing with himself at a hectic pace,laughing with my stomach crawling,Falling through the front door at Miss K’s,somthing like 3 in the morning Ross wanting my Buddwiser Bikini for some photo shoot,We said our good byes [“Michele! I am gonna wash it!”] and then Miss K sprung into action and didnt let me think as we picked through my hair and waited for time to roll on and take me home.

Cant remember a fucking thing about the trip back.Curled up best I could under the army coat of doom and flaked out to a stunning degree.Voila! Theres Saint Tina.It will forever be beyond me why she still likes me,not complaining just curious.

[Lights are so bright and I want this looming outcome but I dont wanna be here….]

-Is this your full name?
-Yup.
-Date of birth?
-Yup.
-Are you allergic to any medication? -nope.
-Do you have any questions?
-Yup,if God is a woman what kind of underwear is she into?

-Conversation with orderly at the doors of the theatre.

[‘God! Why are you trying to be funny???This is so fuckin real!!!Breathe….and keep ya fuckin trap shut……]

-Good morning Michele! No drugs for YOU and we have decided that we are not going to knock you out for this,now just lie back and……
-woah…WOAH!!! Back up a second here!..WHAT!??? I am gonna feel this????
-Its going to be just…
-JUST FUCKING WHAT!!!!…ect ect…

[There is no god and it serves me right for fucking myself up when I was young and even more stupid.Note;Coke fucks with your heart and then when you really need drugs? No dice.Self inflicted.No pity]

So I am making deals with myself as I lie back on the table.6 in the morning puffy and dehydrated.I hate fucking hospitals.Its a given.All my facial pericings taped down and the radio in the corner is playing “Superstision” by Stevie and you KNOW I gotta laugh as I try not to look at the hand getting closer to my head.Pain like I have never known as needles that felt as big as trees,pound ,citric and burning through angry tissue.

[……….getmeouttaheregetmegoneohfukfukfukmufukinheartnoc’monyoucandothisfukfuuuuukkkk.]

Too aware on the table and I beg them to cover my eyes,hearing the scalpel taking away from me,my head sounding like a bad peice of steak and I am just prone there ,stunned.I can feel my legs jumping and my Dr above me.Blood running down the sides of my neck,Voices over me, the meat.

And then it was done and I was being asked about my Tattoos by the orderly who dumped me in a wheelchair to take me back to Saint Tina looking like I have got 2 maxi pads strapped to the side of my head.

Look, all in all after the last year and the way I have been feeling? it was a relief like no other.

I am an advocate of shit that makes you feel small.The local is starting to wear off as we head over to Radiation.I am thinking too much as we walk through the doors….

Its almost church like in here.I look out into the garden and see the survivors like nuns,their heads covered or shaved ,scars in unexpected places tracking pain over the skin.Leaving their evil greif giving proof.

My head feels like someone dropped a fuckin anvil on it but being here now I have gotta laugh at all the shit that has had me worried,this is so now and I see it all,my life, down at the end of a very long tunnel,This is true dialetic living.I am getting measured up to have radiation pumped through my skull.Sorry if I seem a little distracted.

I am telling myself that its all gonna be positive as they peel back the bandages and my sweet Dr asks me how my drumming is going [?] and expresses amazment that I was awake through the whole thing.Head trauma=shite.Belive me.I thought that taking a shot to the head was bad…I digress…..Just trying to focus on the good shit [ “Its over? Its kinda over? They were smiling! thats good right??? No! Fuck They are all on drugs! not telling me….blah blah blah…”]as I go out into the waiting room.

You wanna feel like your life is xmas and the new year all rolled into one?
Spend a while hanging out in the Chemo ward at your local hospital.All these people, no different than you,once vital,surviving the utter indignity that somehow they got fucked over when the dice dropped.
I could smell the tight pain.All the chairs with hours of agony soaked into them with those blankets that old women make folded over their backs waiting for cold tired fighters. The teenaged girl across from me with the fluid soaked brian tumor so large that it was distorting her eye socket and over the whole thing was an mist-like blanket of dignity that left me humbled to about an inch tall.

Everyone just living their lives.Someone fucking with you? Old friend decides to hate you? Overdue bills? Shit job?-Whatever.
You gotta ask yourself,How small does your old life and all that it contains look when you have to fight for any fucking life at all?Think of the single minded clarity that you would have to find day after draining day through all of the pain and fear.

It made me feel greatful and gave me something to aspire to.

So there I am lying on this fuckin table and I have this machine on my head the size of a fucking car and everyone does a runner out of the room which is not the most confidence inspiring thing as a huge door slides shut.I focused on the one peice of jewelery that I had snuck in and thought about the tears mixing with the blood.That this was for the best.Almost passed out but didnt…….

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Not feeling as fucked up but I still get some killer head aches.Blackie and Monkey arrived in the rain when I got out of hospital which was the best suprise.I gave Blackie my theory on radiation and how I have been trying to levitate the fruit bowl.He told me that there is usually a cool off period before my superpowers make themselves known.Cool.Monkey and Tina just rolled their eyes.

So thats that for now.We start our Surry Hills wed nite thang this week.Should be cool.Be sure to ask Mikey about his jaunt with The Black eyed peas.Nice indeed! Dunno how Ash is and Ross sounds calm which is good.

Its a beautiful day out there so I am gonna go and get all up in it.
See y’all down the road……

SF4L
Michele.