You cant say we never tried..

-The Rolling Stones.

Stranded,Im so far from home.
-The Saints.

Watching you walk,you know your really attractive…
-The Sunnyboys.

At the back of my mind I hear the engines whine…
-Henry Rollins.

I enter anothers ground deeply,with many walled cities and towns at my back.
This is “Heavy”
-Sun Tzu.

“You shouldnt judge me”
“Then Prove Me wrong then, you sappy cunt”
-Conversation today.

Mikey had his copy of Back in Black on tape, so in our crappy hire van that kept pulling to the left we hit the road again……

Woke up to a letter from my 80 year old Grandmother.I dont know who it was for because it didnt really have much to do with me besides my name on the envelope.I dont think that I am anyone that any of them claim to know.Now more than ever.It dont worry me but I think that it tends to fuck with their atoms some.

About last night……

I am glad that they were with me cause there is some shit that no matter how well you write or how engaging your conversation that you could never describe…Shit so perfect and unto itsself that if the rest of my band didnt see it I would have thought that I drempt it…Some theing are got to bear witness to with your tribe….

It was 180 miles to the show and what felt like double back again.All the way down the coast to an irish bar called [what else?] “O’Malleys” in Grover Beach.Think the ‘Gong,Geelong or Newcastle I guess.
Small town fuckin’ anywhere….
At 4 somthing this morning I looked across the black ocean with the cliffs ready to fall at our left and the oil rigs like lit up lego deep off the coastal shelf to our right…A full moon on the water past the rich houses where we stopped at a private compound and peed on their flower beds…

Pink Floyd on the radio and we all sighed in different ways for different reasons because this is all that there is.
Aching first fight back and the ringing in my ears wont stop but this is the only thing that knows my name and dosnt want to fuck me over,that wont leave Me….
The life that I want.
A smart machine at war.

I was kinda pissed when people started walking out after the first few songs but then,all of the sudden, more people were there.A girl told me timidly as I was giving off steam in the car park after we came off that she and a few others called their friends as soon as we started.I was high on stage.Told em that they would be boasting about seeing us here.They loved it.Chicks touching my dreads like they were gonna get bit.The opening act The Carnies had a song that had the refrain “Its gonna be a bitchin summer…” which as you can imagine is my new call to arms….We sold out of what little merch we had left and are gonna do a CD burn for the up comming shows.

They didnt know what the fuck to make of us so nothing new there.

Cool seeing my boys all angry and dirty up there.We all needed it and it pulled us back into a unit.

[I will take it too far/its not a smile its a scar.]

If you cant be what you want pray tell Me, who the fuck are you gonna be? I know what I am I know what I can do.I cant take grey.If you are not with Me you are against me so fuck off.

Grey is what wants to kill me the most.Grey is the enemy.

Time is fleeting and I am getting hot footed and freaked out.When and where are we gonna be playing again after this month??.Europe could be so cool but I want to be in California for the summer.My corpse is laughing at me as I was not ready last night.Its goading me telling me that I am not worthy of being up there if I cant deliver .The ache feels good cause it reaches me through all my defences.It will kill me or I will accept the challange.My Abbs are terroized.I forgot how much of my body I really use up there so consider me told.

I gotta do somthing about the conditon of my condition so many emails are gonna get fired this week to Drs round the way.I have been putting so much off for so long and I guess that if it was only about me I wouldnt care but I got a platoon .I have more outside of my selfish circle.I fuckin hate Doctors.

All I know is this is what I am ment to do.

Search and Destroy.
-Iggy Pop.

Mikey asked Me if I “…had enough hate” refering to getting back up there after ..well…shit…And I thought about it and I have been doing myself a massive dis-service.I got bogged under greif rather than high on anger and hatred.

Silly rabbit.

I got into a fight even before the show started [Angry wife in car park calling me out/ backed down when she saw the size of me/take your domestic crap away from me/you cunts/I rolled my eyes and left thenm to it]
Which I think kind of impressed the bar staff and amused my band but it made me ill to tell you the truth.Made me feel like all the gates were open and defences were low.I am a shit magnet by nature and I am never gonna turn that down or back off but as we are all to painfully aware now being yourself can get you killed.If that ,being said ,is what it is? Its more of a war than I first belived.I have been whupped before and I have given some back but fight dont be a faggot and hide behind a gun…..

She came back and watched me play then wanted to be friends.I fuckin hate civillians……..

Makes me long for the land of my birth in an odd way.Kick the shit out of each other and then go back to the bar.

So I hung with some good people and signed alot of stuff.Sang as well as I could with a head cold and a shocking PA and admired my brothers filthy playing.NOLA was as always a clusterfuck.We went to the 7-11 after the show to get shit coffee and the indian guy asked if we were the band that kids were talikng about that had just played.Rock stardom by the hot dog broiler.Hola.

Classic radio all the way home.Highlights?
Pink Floyd
Yes
Skynard
Led Zep
Tom Petty
Stevie ray Vaughn
The police.
Stevie Wonder

Sweeeeet.

I love the add for the hip hop station in Hollywood “All that is good today and from back in the day!”

I start singing that “Soul glo” add from “Comming to America”

Mikey reminded me that when we all started this almost 5 years and 3 albums ago that I always said that we would be in America doing this.And I did.I used to say it so much because I needed to belive in it just as much myself.All the shit that we did and are gonna have to keep doing.The ebb and flow of the 4 headed hydra that we are.

On stage one day and working in a carwash the next. Keeps you hungry if it dont break you first.

I am home alone tonite.3 and Rockstar Shane have gone to Hollywood and Sin is doin her thing,the B* is high somewhere in the guts of London and I think my boys are at a kegger.I am sure that I was ment to be somewhere but I would rather be here with you.I woke up with Shane jumping on me and I was so tired.I slept from about 7 this morning till about that same tonite.I got the dogs for company and I wanna crash again real soon.The house is a brothel and while me and Sin dont mind it makes 3 a bit sniffy.Poor fucker.2 gold dust women in his living room for months on end.Bah! They will miss me whan I bail…or so I like to think.

Gotta take a slash gimme a sec….

Had 2 girls wanting to take me home last night.I looked behind me to see who they were talking to.Kept tryin to touch me.I declined.Too wrapped up in my imagaination and the one that I pine for to fuck around on the road.I blushed and looked rather unsuave about the whole thing.
I dont think that they really ment it anyway .The last time I got in on with someone at a show she just took my hand and bewitched me out into the back ally.Fuckin Minx.It was over so fast and as good as it was it put me off all at the same time.

They dont really want you.They just want to be seen with you and what they just saw.Never look at me untill after they have seen Me up there….

Van talk was all about that.Ash said the last woman who held his attention was a german biochemist who called him silly.I can see how that would work.Mike has got his beloved Lex back in Sydney and Delux and Demon are the surest thing I belive in.With or without glitter.
I revolve around my sister,or I did,I have learnt alot…of what I have to let go of….

I still want the one who does not want Me.
I still have the same old dog eared black and white snapshot of us from the Manning bar in the summer of 03′.That photo has been more places than you……

My motivation zero/everyone needs a broken hero…..

The mental cases upstairs are doing their midnight furniture moving to hard core gansta rap yet again.

I have a clear target which is all I hoped to get from last night.

So strange being able to see what was going on.I dont know if I really like it or not yet.

Ok ……Heres another one for ya…

Ash hit Me with the bomb that we were gonna write more for the album when we got to Canada.So he fucked round for a week and then called me in.I dont know what drugs contributed to this one but it was new wave disco all the way.

I wrote my part in it in Kings cross after some evil flirting had taken a bite out of my ass…and I kept going back for more….Fool.

We both name songs different thing while we are recording which gets confusing but after we tracked this I dubbed it “Rod Fuckin Stuart” .Its got nothing to do with the lyrics at all but I cant think of one good reason to change it.Its sleezy and it makes me think of fucking/blacklight posters/methamphedimine/wine coolers and the dopey cunt that I wrote it about but could never…minger!..BAH!…who cares ??! Read the fuckin words then when we drop it live you will look clever singin along.

We always do what ever the fuck we want musically as a band,We always have and if you dont get it I couldnt give a shit… but that being a fact it still made me smile with glee to think of all the so called metal purists that are gonna have smoke pissing out of their ears when they hear this one….

I give you..

-Rod-Fuckin’-Stuart.

You
You want me to want you
So that you can hurt me
be the one to desert me

But Im quick to your Plan
And I know what your doin’
and you cant ruin a ruin…..

Nothin’ left here for a theif like you
and I like you??!!
God help me but I do

How to get me
how to let me let you get me….

I gotta lie down
I feel like Im gonna drown
Turn around and let you?
At this rate I wont live long enough to regret you

There will never be enough love here for me
look all you want and you will never see what I see

I file all that I once loved
under regret
that way I wont forget how bad it is

and it really is…..

Later.
SF4L
Michele.