[insomnia reigns lord and master..]

Envy
Gluttony
Pride
Lust
Wrath
Sloth
Greed.

People who dot their ‘I’s” with circles make me itch.

I smoked Kents then….I was a child.
On the night they asked me what I had taken,what I was on,I recited a cold list a pharmicutial litany and left the room.She cried.I dont think that I did. After the fact I sat on the floor in my closet,a mountain of shoes piled at my feet…My name written over and over on the walls.I looked up into my hung clothes,The Rolling Stones faint outside the door and I ran the orange cap of My last fit over chapped lips like a poison lipstick.The ugliness of surbubia looming like a raven….

….she said leavin soft Broken teeth,eyes stiched shut,comacoam coma china white monkey girl lost bones rotting wet tiles razor dropped neon scars she fucked him ahead of time fated said she never should have tried to be me and i laughed a road out of my big rotten mouth and ran down it my feet burning waving at the crowd not that you expect anyone to fix it did you? I didnt think so i didnt know what you ment but I was super lucky for you like a charm on 7 on the one we jump ok? hello?…he-llo? is there anyone there?

I have that feeling that you get when you smoke a whole pack at a wake.
When some one asks you “What are you thinking?” and you tell them the truth.
I curse my faulty wiring and The black spots that fall like metal static every time I shift my gaze.Its 10 in the morning here and I cant go and lie down again,I just cant….I feel like there is a small animal trying to eat its way out of my chest cavity.Today eats a bowl of steaming dick.
What can I do?.

cant sleepaginagainagain….

I could do what everyone else did but you and I both know I would rather be this small and this hurt than cop out.I am trying to recall when the force of me became so fucking still.I need jumper leads.3 told me that he needs me round.He is cool but I am a fuck up.Sin is amazing,she is so small,makes me feel like a huge lumbering animal when she puts her hand on mine.

My sister is looking at me with a distain that I guess is a sadistic way I encourged.Cause I am down in that hole babe.Have my wings been “So denied” Layne? Is that It?

Fuck I feel ill.Life will kill you in the end.

The boys get here today and I know that is another reason that I cant turn My head off.I dunno what time they are getting here.Little or no fear of the house waking up as Hash chocolate was consumed all night.I keep going through the small ammout of shit that I still own and throw shit out.How low can you go.All? Nothing? I am being trailed by a hellhound so I dont think that it really matters anymore.

But still y’all write me.I am lucky.Thats why I spill up here.You wouldnt want me to lie to y’all now would ya? I cant.I am too busy fucking myself in the ass.Tough? I dont think so and I never clamied to be.Strong.Like a cockroach…Me,Cher and the roaches will be the only thing left after the big bang.

My somewhat inert stress filled existance.In a month I have to bail again.My sister is out to London again in 20 days.I could follow her out I guess….I am all about Bowie in Berlin…Miss Alexx may be there at the same time….Waiting on Miss Billie to contact me with possible floorage details….

Have you ever wanted to peel your whole body and start again or is that just me? I have not left the house in a week…it all bleeds together.

Like I wasnt gonna do this life time to myself.I lie there, my eyes making small dry clicks, and I think about what lead me to this.To want to be this so badly and all I could come up with was that no matter how shit the grind is when I am up there I am at some kind of truce with myself.

So many times I could have made it easy on myself and when I am this broken I curse myself out.Its all so vivid to me…I cant get away from it.I wonder if I am condemed to all my past folly?

[“I keep looking for the tophat in the crowd” He wrote “But its never there.”]

The way I am feeling I dont know if I was ever anywhere.

All I ever wanted was answers and I think being fed lies is what warped me the most.I think that I should stop writing for a while but the racket in my head never takes a holiday even if my hands do.I think that I should stay offline and have and internal screaming match with my deamons…This is always in Me,this state of non-grace…at a low roar….but the cage on my back is a rockin and a-rollin today.

I am a science experiment
I am a widows lament
I am an abortion breathing
I am a faithless lover leaving
I am Manic
I am blind panic
I am totaled
I am a body bag
I am a toe tag
I am the accidental death of a child
I am the sinner meek and mild
I am the wound that never heals
I am the maggot in an expensive meal
I am the cancer that grows and rots
I am the cream of the curdled cop
I am the mortition weilding the knife
I am the infidel within my life……

My nose is bleeding again.I let in run onto my tounge and somehow knowing that my blood is boldly amusing its self outside the constraints of mere veins calms me.

I am so tired but I know its a trick,I know the second
I lie down it will flood me.I am secure in that fact.
I seem to have misplaced myself.
I will send out the dogs,release the hounds….

I cant find any practicality in this,in Me.If I was 15 with a new bong this would be heaven.But I am not.

Is the art in the letting go?

By your leave.

SF4L
Michele.