[The jungle]

“I was high!!!..You KNOW that I am a different person when I am high!!!…I didnt know what I was doing!??! I didnt think that you would care THIS much…besides,it didnt MEAN anything…..”
-The beginning of the end.

Fides suadenda non imponenda.
-My new tattoo.

It never means anything to you and I guess that is why the road that we have traveled together is now stating to fork.Nothing effects you unless it is standing in the way of you getting what you want.I hope that occurs to you when I am gone.I will regroup and I will leave you behind.Maybe I mistook a black hole for depth.Is that it? Ignorance for charming guile maybe?…..

I no longer flatter your existance or beg to serve your beauty so I am of no use.I see so much of what I was at the height of my powers in you.The shapes that you have assumed from Me.They are yours now.I hope that this is what you wanted…

Let it be known that although discarded, I still left of my own free will.

My last goodbye.

My problem is that I am around the people who are what I left behind when I got clean.For what its worth and I know that some- fucking- where honesty counts for somthing [not here, not by a long shot….] and being that I have not slept yet again I figure what the hey?

I dont really give a fuck what drugs they are doing…But they have a real problem with Me not doing any.


Not as if anyone else can fuck me any worse than I am getting fucked right now.

I am gonna need you to work with me on this ,ok?

I want you to,after reading this you smart arses, to close your eyes and channel beauty…the most beautiful things that you can imagine….and now,distill it all and make it human.

And brain dead.Flatlined but still alive…..

That,what is now before you,in your minds eye, is the last thing that I loved.A blissed void,perfect……

Writing this is giving me a migraine as smooth as glass.

It is an exersize in zen frustration.Junkies,pill poppers,drunks,addicts….and I am the bad guy.They wait till I leave the room to speak.Like I could give less of a shit?

I messed up bad last night.I begged entry to the void.Just to get some reasons to the spiraling insanity that has been taking place, some answers.Should have held off till it was a “powder” night…..

I am the reality check that is unwanted here.I wont lie,I wont engage in their shit therefore? Not real popular.

I still tell people who write me looking for the inside track that to live and succeed is all that matters on the revenge front and I guess that is why I want to see all these killing words on the screen before me on what feels like the countdown to my aramgeddon.

Red Dragon images fly before my eyes, I think of the great T.Harris discribing his characters “Becomming….”

I dread to think what comes after this on a level of personal development…thats why I have to get up ,dust myself off and go again.

Free of all that harmed me.No matter how much I once loved them…..

I dont even know where to start.Ain’t that a bitch!The only writing that I have been doing is to you guys and up here.My notebooks are poised to strike me like vipers as punishment for the scatched lists I have been repeating over and over on the surface of their virgin innards.

I feel like I am stuck in a Dali painting on strong acid.

[….. And to every question she was asked she sighed an emerald green “Nothing” and returned to much of the same.]

I am drinking a soda cause my bloodsugar has dropped and I dont want to pass out….not yet…..

I am so hated.I dont mind.At least,as misguided as it can get,its honest.Where I have been fucked on epic levels is not there…its the ones I believed loved Me.I know,I know, what the hell was I thinking,right?

Don’t think that I was…..

Did I love what I thought was there?
What I saw in the beginning?
Something that had gone a long time ago?
A ghost?

I think that I have stayed in the arms of my misery because I dont know how to say goodbye again…My time is almost up.I dont want it anymore but the thought of living without it?…..

Big breath kiddo….Make it count Madden.

And so I start on what is going to be my greatest Epitaph to date.I think of all of the times that I protected these cunts from the anger that they had caused within Me.How they got lazy with all that I was because they were on the inner circle,how I did their damage patrol again and again….

Opened my doors
Fed them
held them
Listened to them
Took them back agaist all that told me not to
Picked up the phone
talked them down from the ledge.

I stood in the way of darwinism and should be punished accordingly.I should have let them go.It was natural selection you see?

The lack of respect is stunning.I asked them for nothing but the truth.Hurt by the truth is a razor cut,
Hurt by a lie? A landmine.A bouncing betty….Can you grasp the distinction?

I will leave you all one thing in my wake.Think of it as a gift.I will leave you without Me and with each other.I wish that I could stay to see what happenes when one void meets another….I guess that it will be somewhat endless.

I would be flattering myself to think that it will really matter to you.Nothing matters to you….But I promise you this…..You will live long and regret Me.

On this I give you my word.