Muse.

They would take cocaine,eat microwaved hot pockets and play Tony Hawk  for twelve hours straight.

I would slowly skate up and down Santa Monica blvd and wonder when and if my time was ever going to come .Surrounded yet again by fine boned sociopath addicts,broke and fat I wandered LA like a homeless person with the dogs that no one but me ever walked.

It all fell away as such times do,a laconic west coast landslide into the ocean of the past and I still wonder how it affected me.On what levels.Because even after all these years new epiphanies bloom within me and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were planted at that time.I saw that if I was never going to be beautiful I better be loud or funny as fuck.They stumbled half cut,intoxicated on what their superior genetics got them with little or no effort on their part whatsoever,the rubes that it reeled in.Trust me,I learned what nonchalant beauty can bring a gifted grifter at the feet of the masters.I miss the city of angels.The city doesn’t even notice that I am gone.That is what makes it so attractive.

You have got to love a city that plays hard to get.

Every headache is an aneurysm,every bump a tumor.Its lack of sleep that makes me unravel.I ain’t wrapped so tight right now.It takes you under.

I have been hiding out in my beloved bunker yet again.The week is almost done with itself and I am back on the deviant door tomorrow night.Had a great late single ladies Valentines night out with Lili White Tiger and Miss Annabelle.We ate sushi and the went to see “The girl with the dragon tattoo”. Who knew that a revenge rape scene with a giant William Burroughs-esqe silver dildo would make me so very happy? When Lili showed me the Swedish version first she almost had to sit on me to calm me down.I was cheering.I was buzzing like a cheap TV.

A good night was had by all.

Miss Nina just sent me the poster for the show on the 30th of march.I almost soiled myself laughing.Ray Ahn is like a fine wine getting better with age.He is not only one of the greatest bass players punk rock has ever produced but the most amazing artist as any fan of The Hard-on’s can attest to.To see my name on any of his work is humbling beyond measure.I will have to get this one printed and framed.He astounds me .Hope to get another show in before then though.

My nerves,the fear of not being good enough are forcing me into many hours of hypnotic practice daily.I am self taught so when I finally work out a riff I stay on it,high on the meagre but tasty achievement for hours.Which is what happened today.My voice is also in fine form so I just want to show off.I am not really much good for anything else.

My memories find me waking up in a cold sweat with Hello Kitty locked in a death grip kimora.(“MIOWWW!!!” “Sorry baby,Sorry!”) I remember even before we began the stories would swirl though the booths and bathrooms on the strip,telling me what the deal was,that a prince was really a thief. I held my mud and kept going.What ever destiny had in store for the two of us was not due to arrive for many more years.I had never believed in myself but I believed when it came to us and all that we could become….

Back to there here and now.

Don’t make nice to my face.Don’t ask me what I am doing and how.I have the inside line,it all gets back to my scared ears in the end and you have no idea what you are fucking with and what I am capable of…

Beware of sheltered lunatics in clever costumes with manic opinions.Beware of cunning Republican hearts throbbing ill informed beneath tattooed rib cages.The poverty deluxe aroma of patchouli and sloppy hand rolled cigarettes can never mask the stench of marrow deep ignorance.Takes allot of money to look as poor as you…..Your views on pro-life,adoption and my gender make me sick to my molten  core. I am not the cowgirl that you want to fuck with.Take your medication,sponge of the government that you claim to despise,lie to yourself and fade from my life forever more.Asshole.

Safer for you all round.

I never have to wonder why I hate people as much as I do.They write the script and I get to be Ray Liotta once again.Not bad work if you can get it  I’ve gotta say.

Songs arriving down the line at a great clip.Spent the day with Saint Tina yesterday.Seeing people see us never fails to amuse me.They have no idea what we would have in common and why we are having such a good time.We talked our shoe shopping asses off and she covered me with kisses and went home.I am still bad with people loving me.It makes me question their lack of taste not to mention their sanity but when I can leave myself alone for a minute it is appreciated and pretty damn cool.

I yelled at the dude at the newsagent for not selling me the winning lottery ticket.Again.He thought I was joking.The fool.

Ross,forever being a bigger person than I will ever be ,went and had a coffee with the guitarist from our old band.Why I really have no idea but each to their own.As I embark on another cycle of my career with some of the most talented people I know ,I have to smirk thinking about that loser with his kraut Yoko writing jingles for used car yards.

Someone up there likes me.

I wonder sometimes if I should let shit go and forgive.Nah.Now why in the hell would I do that? People are too wishy-washy.Try too hard to make it all pastel and politically correct.I am not living in Monet baby,I want Miro.I want Picasso! I want fucking Titan in all his oil rich massive glory.I want it loud and covering the ceiling of my inner white-trash Sistine chapel.I want more.

And why not? Why not live by your own technicolor sonic mandate? I have set my existence up to do nothing but.

As always my writing is centering on a most surprising,unexpected but most welcome object of wild and wanton desire.I must send up silent thanks for them because some absolute corkers are coming down the line.Well that and torrid, terrifying fables of my not so distant past and what it has turned me into.Out on a longing limb once again…Lord Elvis on Dilaudid high,it is so much easier this way,in my fecund imagination.Safer by far.And one never knows what gifts time and tenacity will bestow.

Fucking teenager.

Being in a band with Marcus has really inspired me to apply myself to what I am doing,to train it daily and its helping me a lot.

I have solid subject matter,good and bad,past and pure dirty imagination and I am honing it,distilling it over and over. Up all night ,me and Hello Kitty hanging on the boat of my bed drifting though the dark, armed with black felt tip pens,miles of paper and gallons of peppermint tea.Still wouldn’t mind having a servant who took dictation though.

Time to buy another lottery ticket.