Im a winner,Im a singer,Do you want my autograph?
-Supertramp.
Click your fingers it is done
The moon has now eclipsed the sun…
-M.Manson.
And the bells from the chaple went jingle jangle….Do you love Me? Like I love you……..
-N.Cave.
Work/Civillians/Stupidity/Marriage.
-All the things listed under “Alligies” on my passport.
Tell me how I feel again?
Tell me what I am doing???
Go on you fucker…go for it.You seem to have me all worked out you shit shoveling fuck so why dont you get up here and tell me all about it with your PHD in Me-ology….
Late October 04′
Curled around Me he smelled sweet of gin and vomit.Long lines of boy-a-conda coiled around the ungainly bulk that I carry myself around in. “I am beginning…” he hiccuped and paused [“Oh for the starts!” I thought] “…..To fall in love with you.” He slurred and passed out.
Later that night as I disengaged myself from the tangle of him,I kissed his clammy sleepwasted cheek and muttered “I am not as great as you think I am” with a frown.Stumbled back through what was left of the party and out into the snow.
A fucktard of epic magnatude.Thats me this ugly ol’morning.I got a letter from an old mate in Rotterdam? Its late…somewhere like that…Anyway she told me that “Its good that you am so open” But she sounded a bit worried at the same time.It was sweet.
At least 90% of the bullets that are fired my way I made myself ,so what the hey?…
Back to the last 24 hours….
The alarm went off 5 seconds after I fell asleep fueled with opium soaked dreams thanks to re-reading Mr Mansons magnum opus in some kind of strange Vulcan mind weld with Miss Annie….sweating and running through rude fire with my sisters hand on my ribs fluttering like a small bird.
Car sick shoved in the back out to Malibu in peak hour traffic [“He did it on purpose!” I fumed as we made it home 5 hours later,still winding mountain road ill “It was so he could spend more time with you!”] My sister got all of her suff back.We had to find it by flashlight outside a guys yurt on a serial killers dream dumping ground,dirt back roads, in a 60 km an hour wind.
Your right,only fucking me……
But it must be stated, for the record,that you can be having the worst day of your life but driving through LA listening to The Doors first album is pretty fucking sweet on the old “I will survive-o-meter”
Outside of the grid the stars burn clear away from their smog shroud.Flirt with their reflections on the polluted water that strokes their vanity like a lover…I miss the desert.If it was in my power to flee for all my own selfish reasons I would be on the next bus…
But….
After many harrowing emails [“I dont think that you understand how fucked it is….”] My brothers arrive in LA next thursday. Its a wing and a prayer…please come so the circle is complete again..So strange to hear Deluxes voice again….He tells me that I cant imagine and he is right ’cause it was different for all of us…but I lived it for the same amount of time without him while he gadded about Spain with his beloved so I have a pretty fair idea.
They all are still on the path so that feeds me hope and burps me happy.
They are staying one more day To see SYL tear it up so that makes Me smile as I dunno if I am still gonna be here when they hit the House of Blues in a few months…always the way…..
Anyone need a Kidney?
I am not shitting here…I am totally up for it…..
So angry that I am givin off sparks [“And living in a powder keg?”] Who can say?…Really..[“Bonnie Tyler for one ,you twat…” Inner critic…]..There are too many stupid people and I am in training…Training myself to glide over them ,trapped under bitter ice ,frozen in their ignorance while I triple Axis over their fucked selves [“And Russia gives Madden the final 10.00 that she needs for the gold!”]
Today I was in the mind set that I should sew up my cunt and run for sexual amnesty cause women annoy the piss out of Me.Then I thought that if I was a guy I would stick my cock in a blender for all the same reasons….which leaves me genderless and even more pissed off than I thought was possible.
Its not gender here…the whole human race shits Me to tears.
Rememeber when I told you that Time haunts me? Well I am gonna gret my own back and start setting on and haunting time right on back…the time when I walk away…and how I do it.
There are a few songs on this album that I dared myself to write knowing that the subjects would be fully aware of themselves with in the content [“And dumb ass of the year award goes too….For the 7th year running!!!……”] Thank you,Thank you very much…*Cough*….I didnt have the balls to say it when I had the chance and I didnt want to veil references so I cut myself open…I should have read the fine print on that bright idea, but maybe that is the way its ment to be …make it so hard that I have to tell it over and over every night for a while.
If I feel that I kick the dirt out of a fear everyday? Even if its just gonna up and set on me the vrey next? I did good.
Like those old school kung foo movies!!![“…ramble…get to point…blah blah…*yawn*….”]…..and then ’cause they had so much poison in then they could not BE poisioned!
Immunity…thats what I was getting at.
[“Its so fucking good to see you again!’ Fell into each other like it was still going from the summer before…backstage and ranting as usual.Both got shy and shut up…You and I with our tattooed hands and big lives..]
Ms Love wrote the words that will always own it in this arena “Live through this with me and I swear that I will die for you.”
The B* is watching a movie staring a few people that she has introduced Me to in passing….Ah Hollywood.
[I told myself that the butt of the gun held my salvation.And as he fucked me from behind I kept my eyes trained on it, gaffa taped and silent just over the edge of the bed.In my mind I snatched it and bucked him off my back.Turned and pistol whipped him to a pulp.The film loop of this image flickering in my sick head I reached under,face grinding into the matress on a broken angle, and came buckets to my inner carnage.
Angels wept.]
Whatever….
I first heard this song the summer of our BDO in Australia when Ash was still living down in the Cross.I would get on my bike,pump my discman up to ear damaging volume and to the strains of Slayer[“God hates us all” was the disc-de-jour to get sucked under an 18 wheeler to that year for some obscure reason…], bolt across the city from my hovel in Glebe hoping that we wouldnt fight and that it would be one of those days where it all came together.
From the first bars I was in deep lust with it and couldnt belive he had written somthing like that for Me.I listened to him as he sang some of his ideas to me and after a few false starts I got some kind of handle on it and rolled.
I had written the lyrics a few weeks before in a huge funk and decided to cast myself as the breaker rather than the broken.
I cant tell you how amazing it is when we get it right. And how shattering when my voice wont come to the party or I just dont hear it.Crushing both ways.
Being raised in the mucho shitty but never the less oddly erotic Catholic faith ,I always found the idea of The Novena to be very alluring in the face of so much Smiting, smoting and begetting.It was outside the doctrine to me and fell more under magic.9 prayers for nine days and your wish would be granted.9 lives …Nine conversations with God a day on the hotline….
I guess this song kinda pans out if God is Tom Waits
and your Church is a bar in Tulane.And its 3am.
Or something like that.
-Novena.
If I were you?
Id leave myself alone
If I were You?
Id stay at home
Keep out of trouble see?
But what do I know?
I am only me….
Whatever you thought you knew?
lead you astray
And by the time that you got back?
Id gone away.
How much more left to lose?
Love is like fruit
Easy to bruise
I couldnt stay and by your side?
I’d still gone away.
I wear you
My blood tattoo
We’re gone
What else could I do?
Dont make Me leave you behind
Cause you know I will
And the only time that you should doubt Me
Is when you think you can live with out Me.
How could I?
I just dont know….
You never thought that I would go
All that you thought you saw came apart.
hurts you/need it
Cut you and you bleed it
Do you try so hard when theres no one looking?
And Perry said that theres nothing shocking…..
Where did you put it?
Where did it go?
Tell Me,Where did you leave it?
I know
You always think that your the last to know…
Not much fun to be had
Not where your going…..
Dont make me leave you behind
cause you know I will….
Stick my hand in the lions mouth
My Traitors heart points south.
How could I?
I just dont know.
You never though that I would go
All that you thought you saw?
It came apart
I broke your heart.
………………………………….
I am gonna go and flake out,try and shut my fucking brain up.Take it easy as the Eagles would say [*gack*] and I will get back to y’all later.
SF4L
Michele.
