…….NON IN AETERNUM MOTHERFUCKERS…………

Baby,baby why cant you sit still?
-The Black Crowes.

She dances on black sand…
-Clutch.

What is most beautiful in virile men is somthing feminine: what is most beautiful in feminine woman is somthing masculine.
-Susan Sontag

Ambition is only vanity enobled.
-Jerome.K.Jerome 1889

My hotmail has fucked out so if you need me? Get me thru the site or can it.

On the back of my new notebook that I am alredy knee deep in two things are written.One says “Everything is sweetened by risk” and the other says “Hollywood death punx!Fuck you! SF4L”

Draw your own conclusions

I am always too late or so early that I manage to talk myself out of any kind of practiality. The streets were like mirrors tonite as the soapy noodles lodged in my gullet,speechless across the red table from you.

I dunno if it was a love song cause I dont know if I was ever really in love.Its so late but that dont really matter and I wonder if you are out there abusing the white powder that used to have us chained……

[“I am gonna write a song about you….” He said all Ohio eyes and bold intent…I bit the end of my straw blowing bubbles wondering how many pairs of legs that line had spread like butter….wincing internally hoping that I had never used it in the same way….He talked about himself and his band at length and then asked me what I did.I lied but it didnt really matter cause he wasnt listening anyway.]

‘Cause baby, my head is going so fast and I have so many tiny things that I want to say but I cant get loud enough and do you think that they would call the cops if I started screaming?

Babe, you should see her in her cowboy boots she looks just like I did before I didnt and when the BMW pulled up next to us near the Dennys on Sunset the driver could not look away from her luminesence, an occurance which almost bores Me in its regularity, so I counted street lights while the tendons in my neck creaked….

So a new band house for my brothers and I want top pull money out of my now bony ass.I think that I have become the boy that I wanted so badly from my miss-spent youth.I have become all the things that I feared the most.I pull my beanie down over my deformed ears and twitch like I mean it…..Tick like the name of my band and I foam you fucker and bile tastes good…I am gonna fuck myself over and break my black self again for the sheer fact that I dont think that any one else deserves it.

Am I gonna move to Long beach to be with my boys…That is the 64 grand question tonite my friends.I am getting all dirty here…. The filth is invasive and somewhat welcome after the snow capped sterility of one position fucking and bad weed that I fled from.

Long Beach will keep me out of trouble and in the circle of my brothers but I find myself around all these halmed beauties stealing flowers and wooing…I am a wreck…I am a kleptomaniaic who is a crap skater…I am not fighting weight and my words taste rancid and too well oiled and they lit the doorways blue for a reason my lost love……Cant register the hit.

My whole world is blue lit I cant remember what you taste like and I cant tap the vein.I cant tap the vein and I look onwards like I am in some noble persuit rather than running round the world in search of a backline a marshall cab and a shower.

I am alone here which is never a bad thing but I can see you.I hate the nights when I can cause that reminds me that I am human and dying and that the time I had with and about you I stole and that makes my intent toward your company criminal and I cant bail myself out of the palace of memories…not again….

I never ment that much to you if any thing at all.

I am an alien wherever I go.The Gangsters told me that I was “Toooo perfect” and then asked me if I used to be a Man.Its never gonna change.Stupidity and fear reign supreme and beats you like a whelp when you are down.I asked him if he kissed his mother with that mouth.

I have not assulted anyone in over a year.They will not get that from me.I cant honestly say that I have it to give….listening to the Corb lund band as I tap out my never read nothings […..and you gave me till 07’ daddio and I thank you for beliving in me when I cant see myself.] You are gonna be on the road forever like the way the sky is forever and to see you out there again.

LA makes you think “Why Not?”
She is the hottest state of non grace and she wants me dead and all I can do is smell her on my fingers from the night before and smile.
She dosnt give a fuck about me…I am too far from the swamps and I listen to Clutch and sing like the inside of a church is my fated palace. The ship that is the crossroads of the world sails by my window and the power that it takes to be that jaded as I gaze slack jawed could fuel a small city.

My mind is running on a two second delay and I swear on all that is holy that when I sleep its Spanish moss that haunts me and the nights that I breathed the brown air.That there is somthing calling me but that I will not leave you? Do you understand? The room is spinning lover …ya wanna dance?.I was the most beautiful bride in the fucking world but I should have married myself….

[“So Michele, Why did you quit taking drugs?”… “Beacause there were not enough drugs to not make me hate myself as much as I do ,so I got clean and now you can pay the price…” ]

Now I court electricty.I call her,Stalk her…I will be before you again and I will be a fucking car crash I will be and unnatural disaster and you will watch.You will not be able to avert your eyes and I dont even answer to my fucking name anymore…I just roll on…And the questions?

I only answer yours…only yours….cause no one cares about me the way you do…..

Asking me about Dime and my ink starts itching.All I do is talk about you and my brothers.If they want to know me I am not hard to find I am here where I have always been…..I am in the stationary isle at the Beverly Hills Rite Aid at 4 am lurking while all the 2nd string stars come in trying not to be seen filling their scripts for oxy-contin while I pocket pens and swan out on heels of fire.

Fwa,Fwa,Fwa…..

[ What the fuck are you doing to yourself out there tonite???I am swooning here?….]

Raining again and the dogs go as crazy as me.

I cant remember how it feels to be up there and that frightens me more than anything ever.I keep bumping into things.I find new bruises all the time….some fat junkie hopped up on memories instead of smack.

Blood.

Do ya think that knives jerk off over blood? That is what they dream of?.
I am sifting through hearts desires and beating the clock.The shape of your cheating shadow like a tattoo over all my yesterdays.

Emo fuck wit 4 somthing in the morning and I give greif like a whore gives head.

Delux said that when he comes and stays with me down south that he is gonna drink thse 40 oz Buddwisers cause if it was good enough for Skynard….and Mikey? I watch you over and over on the DVD and think of how much of me you gave me….Ash with the vison and the pink heart…

I will not speak for a year
I wil order ammo on the net and shoot rats from my porch
I will listen to alot of nina simone and howl at the moon
I will be unfindable
To myself and then?

Sleep wrapped in my own arms.

At Graumans Chinese theatre in the rain and I dont know where its going but I know that I wont stop…I walk past the street where my crazy ex boyfriend usta throw all my shoes out the window every time we had a fight.He thought he was Ike Turner and I gave as good as I got and I think it was the animal tranks that made me walk away in the end….and these people who see me now and see me so small…they have no idea….

Example…
I was at a party on the weekend.Not by choice.And look at the mirror on the table….. and the musos and artists all rounding yelling at each other cause dont you know? The louder you yell the more relevant you are….. you mean more.So I sat on the floor with an old Rolling Stone while they honked and hooted above me and I know that I am saving myself….. as the ashes from careless ciggerettes fell around Me acompanied by the incomming of famous names being clumsily dropped from above “Yeah me and Manson…..slipknot….”
Breying and they dont see me and I dont care.

The day I want to be seen again?
I leave that up to your imagination.

SF4L
Michele.