She could have been a burn victim,

an amputee, a dead body….Godadamn…I wanted to fuck.
-Pantera.

Nothing else matters….
-Metallica.

Let my heart go.
-Metallica.

Take my scars.
-Machine Head.

Just took the dog out for a slash ….its a bit chipper but I could hear the freeway humming with the 28 million drones that I am wasting oxygen with so fuck it..Im up now….I cruise to the end of the block nodding at the old timers that keep the same hours as me…dog is in heaven…first time she has been even semi walked in ages lookin up at me like “No fuckin way!!!!” as I try to get my lanky gait happening while no one is watching….

Then I see the sunrise.My stupid big life and I am standing in the middle of the road cause of the palm trees…..Fucking palm trees Man!…..Hair all fucked up in a wife beater with a greatful dog at my side while my sister does her tarot in a cloud of pot smoke.

All of it….Breaking my heart by the rotten mile….

Do a thing…. all the things you swore you were never about? You now whore yourself out to.I will hang with Oscar Wilde in the gutter…I own my stars you pretty thing….

Pills
“She had liquid Vicoden!!’ like
“The War is over!!!”

Thats how large it is to them ….And I write it all down…feed me…all of it…your too fucked up to tell your story so I will tell it.

She hates it when I have to go and think on her.I am out of the story right now as she has a much cooler friend…Thats cool…when I am needed again…I dont want to feel like this any more.

“I can still hear you saying we must never break the chain”
-Fleetwood Mac.

All that I wanted.You have it now…God ,I hope it was worth it.

Its the only lightbulb that is still on…the hunt…They are all fucken broken infected and stunning.

I dont hate them but I dont like me so I dunno whats going on there.

I dont know why…I write myself stupid about it…Hurts like a wake… It hurts Miss Suzanne,Jooles me olde mate…look at me human…she broke it…So now I rize like a lotus from the shit? Is that the way it goes??? No answers but shoulders so soft.Thank you.

I dont even trust myself today and I hope that sleep comes looking for me.

“How does it feel being a Cliche?” I asked him as he leared at my fast disapearing rack..I guess that I am as well…Hanging out in bars wishing Detroit-Iggy-glitterkiss-lean and I am playing pool like a mother fucker…”I knew I wus gonna fall in love with a green eyed brunette” he slured from behind practiced eyeliner and a mimosa of Bud light,trying to run his hand up my thigh.

My eyes are blue.

And that wraps up my whole life tonite.

I am glad that my lads are in safe port while the shitstorm rages….When does it not,I ask you?.I wrote a friend today that “The joy of being insane is getting to go crazy in heaps of different places if so inclined…” Its Rosscos bithday this week and all I can think about is how beautiful I felt at that goddamn Ranch party before I just faded away.I was sodden with the weight of a huge love.I couldnt stand myself…felt like I was giving off fucking sparks.

That was the night I lost him….

I like being in LA for what its worth cause I look around and see why I have to exist if that makes any sence.My lads are gonna be blown away by this…I pretend to be Annis Nin….A spy in the house of love/lies…same difference…I want salt on my skin….Nalpalm cunt on the loose…Mean.

The first time Wendy o Williams tried to kill herself she stabbed herself in the sturnum with a carving knife and then when she couldnt get to her heart she drove herself to the hospital with the knife still embedded…Can you see it twitch with every beat of her heart as she stops and changes gears? Can you see the look on the Drs faces?

Determination.

Hunter S Thompson shot himself in the head while on the phone with his wife because he “Wanted to go out at the top of my game”

How do you know what the top is? What does it look like? Does it have a scent?

[The back of your neck when you leaned into me in the lobby of the Metro that summer nite that I knew you would not have time to score so I ran around in your wake with a 50 of weed shoved in my favorate black lace bra….just incase you wanted me…. Me stupid on your rockstar self you cunt…I am so dumb …]

Miss Suzanne tells me that I cast a great shadow but form this height it looks like the Hinednburg…it looks like decending doom.I miss my lost thats why I cant stop screaming .I will miss your lost for you if you dont want to speak up.I am doing great…No shit…better than I have been in ages but my ghosts…[“I am almost back” She wrote me and I have missed her for so long “I swore that I would stay”]

She writes this to me….I beg people to stay…I am so sick of planting my only….

I got told that its loyalty or bust with me…And? You could do worse.

I am there

I am writing my spacy Hollywood hooker Santa Monica blues again And I am the black velvet that makes her diamond shine even brighter.

I sway …..I am starved.I want to break myself ugly on it again…I want to snake into the pit with you till we are all a fucking cavern of carnage…I want my pain to fucking own me…I will be heatbreaks bitch on a leash tonite…I will sleep dead…I will think about what is to come….How many I will fuck as I have been fucked.

Dont cross a writer.Not only do I never forget but I got it on paper

So fuck you for looking through me
Fuck you for only wanting me when you see me on TV
Fuck you for dying
Fuck you for leaving
Fuck me for caring
Fuck it all

………But I got palm trees bay-bee…How can I fail?

“Baby your a freakshow just like me”
Night’
Courtney.
Night.

SF4L
Michele