Return.

To what?

And the 64 grand question in play here is “Can you?”.

Can we ever return?

Missing the past can get you into an absolute world of hurt with no clearly marked exits and maybe a more practical bent is needed for such delicate repairs,one that my fat fingered self does not possess.Us sad humans and our big boo-hoo hurts…

People don’t really want to give you a clear slate and on that note maybe its better to leave well enough or in this case  not well enough the hell alone.

Even when you want to build bridges some people just live to draw your cowered attention to what they perceive as the “Mistakes” that you once made. Over and over again. Some days the air is rare and the incoming constant. If you want me around just to tell me what you think that I did wrong over and over again what is the point? Why is such precious time being wasted? Either accept my efforts as admittedly sparse as they can be at times through embarrassment or just plain shyness or fuck off.

Simple huh? If no one is going to man up and lay the cards on the table well then I guess its up to me yet again.I figure that every day is another twenty four hours closer to death and why mince words?

Open  ended disclaimer as of now: Ain’t no saint,never claimed to be.

And guess what Einstein? Nor are you so calm the fuck down and get off your high horse.

I write to think in solid form.I write to leave a trail,to have proof.I write because I am a goddamn writer and I am not holding a gun to anyone’s head to read it.Its on you.I don’t care if you find yourself up in this and nor should I have to.Mother to none and one day you are going to have to hold your own hand.

I wonder in retrospect if I was some kind of fine boned imported prize. A trophy. It makes me so sick.I wonder if friendships meant anything pure and true because it seems to me when people didn’t get what they wanted ( a fuck? a relationship??a song?! ) from me my stock plummeted.I feel like the human Black Friday.That is what hurts the most. Were all those good times  a stepping stone to get their fuck on with me? To get me into a band?? I thought they were my friends! Let me lay down some back history here…When I fell in love and for better or worse no matter what the outcome was or what anyone’s opinion was for that matter I did,with my whole black heart and shrapnel shredded soul,there were people who,to put it lightly,were not impressed.Well,when it became clear that I was off the market I was dropped like a hot potato.

A friend indeed.

I was made to pay and it sucked and hurt in equal measure.But that is not the point here.

But the falling in love part? I would do it all over again even if the outcome was the same.

So were they? Were they friends or predators?  Were they my friends or was every action I treasured in their company just an underhanded wooing technique?

And why do I have to keep paying for it?

My relationship consumed me and there were allot of people that were not happy about this.People that I thought really loved me.Funny that ,so many of my friends were so happy to see me in love at last,totally stoked. Rats are smelt….

So now after much dust has cleared I am attempting to rebuild bridges and I am not pointing fingers.Just an honest shy and sparse attempt but I have to tell you its hard to be friends with people who wont move on.Who wont let me move on.If you don’t want to forgive me for my loud life and choices that is cool and your decision that I completely respect but allow me to advise you some about now,don’t keep throwing my life in my face because I have got one hell of a pitching arm on me and my aim is true…now wait, a second…

No.No ,No.No! Because that would be engaging in the very behavior that is infuriating me.

I gotta take a good hard look at this.I know what I did and didn’t do and  I know what I did wrong.I have admitted to it all and am trying to make some fragile amends.I know what I could of handled better and I honestly regret that I did not.But I am not going to continue to eat shit for something that I paid for harder than anyone will ever know.

Newsflash,sometimes I find it amazingly hard to communicate.I don’t play well with others.But I am not a masochist and I refuse to engage in sick reindeer games.

And I will not be flogged for a life less ordinary or because I thought that a friendship was true when it was just a ruse to get me into bed. Fool me once my bad,fool me twice?….

I am glad that I had the love that I did.I am glad that I have been alone since it ended.It was and remains the love of my and his life and I am not looking to replace or relive it for that matter.I have always been good at being a solitary animal.Most foundlings are.We were created to operate as such.How I conduct the matters of my hard heart is my business.

Maybe this is another version of natural selection.I would be lying if I claimed that the thought didn’t cross my mind.The thought crosses my mind endlessly.

Just sayin’…….