London.You cant take with you what you dont trust.

-Letter to Jacobi.

Suckin’ on my jaw
Pullin’ on decay
It didnt work last night
and its not gonna work today.
-New song on next album.

My last attempt at this was pathetic.Usually its that I write here and neglect my journal or visa versa. I just havent been writing at all outside a few well constructed emails.
And here I am on the road,in a band and even if I told you what I had been up to its not all that different from anything you got from me the last time.

We play our last show tonight and go back to Germany.I dont mind all the crap that comes with this job its just not playing that kills me.I get foggy on why the hell I am here.Playing in a band finds me doing what I want to do [ie;sing] less than anything else. Ha!
God hates me.

We ended up sitting around waiting to play. thats about it.

Me and Ross went to dinner with the owner of our record company.Thomas Jenson.It was really cool. Ah me! My life! One second I am in a marble clad silk swathed bar,complete with tinkly piano music .. drinking virgin bloody marys and seeing myself flash up on a lap top screen in Rose tattoos new filmclip and the next back in a squat in the same outfit I have lived in for the last 4 months being a Myspace whore and trying to push the band out there.

This is why I laugh till I weep.Its fucking insane.

Going through the whole “Flight or Fight” thing again at the moment.Oh Love! You dont like me much do ya? Ya let me think that I can do it,that this time I can make it happen…


I think that my stomach is eating itself.I dont sleep right.I get letters and everyones life is a friday nite up in lights shit fight.Saint Tina says “We always say that things will get better next year and they never do….” The good vibe is worn down by mid january.

Gotta do the horror trip home now.back to Hamburg for a night and then being as brain dead as I can get on the trip home.I am hating it all but most of all I am hating myself.
Its hitting a peak.

I know that in reality nothing would have changed when I get back but it all does.I drop in and out like a holiday uncle.When people ask how it was I edit and tap dance to distract them from the fact that I am not really saying all that much.

Surrounded by all these happy motivated people makes me feel like even more of a stain.

Just get me out of here.get me away from my band so that I can miss them again.Remove me from the “holier than thou”.

If Ross dont have the keys to the studio we are fucked.I dare not go and wake him up to ask him as its only 10 in the morning and we are all aware that this is the last solid sleep that we are all really gonna get till we get home.

Metz writes me and asks me if I am happy or excited yet.If I knew that i wasnt walking into an utter shitfight I would be.And here was me thinking that I was doing so fucking good and all.

Its the getting there that kills me.I hate travel.I need to get some balance into my life cause every sinew and fibre of my being is says..

“Pst! …HEY! Lard ass! You dont need to go home and work! what are you???NUTS??? Drop out dude! Go to the shack and re insert your head up your butt,I mean,who cares right…..”

And this goes on for hours and keeps me awake.

I wonder why I dont drop out all the time.Its mighty hard to get back up again once you do.So many people to see when I get back home and although I know that it will be a long line of grand tea soaked reunions I am numb and I want to crawl under a rock and fucking die.


This is my duality.Want to be up in lights dont want anyone to be near me ever.

The Squat that has put up with me and ross has been amazing.Phil,one of the dudes that lives here is an old spewtown warrior from way back.I have watched every dvd that the man has.The food and company has been brillant.Alas,I have not been running as shooting is the new black this season in Brixton and that I fell into my addled brain again.

Having arguments via email with this time delay is trying and sad.Quel sigh.

Thanks to all who have gone out of their way to be amazing on this run and to all who got the new album.

Get me to a gym and a good shower! that way I will be ready to rock shit with y’all at 77 on the 23rd.

Im gonna try and take a break so I will have somthing to give you.