Brixton, London.

[Ellonie Felonies squat…]Sternly, remorselessly, fate guides each of us; only at the beginning, when we’re absorbed in details, in all sorts of nonsence, in ourselves, are we unaware of its harsh hand.
-Ivan Turgenev.

Now she gets her kicks in Stepney not in Knightsbridge any more.
– The Rolling Stones.

To me, Max is already the automatic hero of this adventure as he got me my own room. My envy of him and Ross is boundless by sketchy definition. As we pulled up to the lights and they jumped out to get cheese at tescos, I watched the cross the road so in love so happy.

I told them that they need to bottle this, as it is a fine vintage.
Ross went thru me for being sad at the airport, asked me why I couldn’t just be happy to be playing in England, which by he way I am. It didn’t occur to him to ask me what was wrong.

Men can be so fucking thick like that.

I wouldn’t have told him anyway. He thinks that he is sick of us?Fuck!
At least he can get to the one that makes him happy.
I adore Max.he is fucking brilliant. Wants to get me a job putting up hookers cards in phone boxes. Tells me that it’s wicked money and a laugh. Both of which I am up for right now.

Ellie just walked in and said that it’s good to see me. No one thinks that it’s fuckin good to see me so that will keep me purring for a few days.

There is some hassle with living in Germany and I cant say that I really give a fuck right now. I guess that we will move to London then. Hell, at least I can do shit here. Got off the bus today and dove into a bin at the terminal to rescue reading matter. A copy of FHM and a paper. I have been fed well and reading since we got here.

Got a show tomorrow night then Bloodstock then another week of being here with no money. I went to exchange my last 20 bucks that I had from home and the wanted to give me 5 quid. I told em not to bother. We skip for food and wing it. Ellie has adopted me if we move back which suits me just fine. Ross and max have got a new gaff across town, Mikey is re connecting with the jazz crew and I couldn’t give a blue baboons ass where Ashley winds up as long as it is as far away from me as possible.

I ignore him and he snipes at me like the bitch that he is. I don’t care. I am in it for the band not the I used to trust him like a brother but 5 years of steady lies and dripping poison into any bond we may have shared can ruffle your tail feathers some.

How can you trust someone who doesn’t even tell you that they have moved house? I sat on his front step for an hour.

I don’t pity him, as that is just a polite form of contempt.
Manners are not my strong point at the moment.

All are downstairs watching Easy Rider but I don’t even want to be in the same room. Ross thinks that I am being rude, which is a bit of a pot vs. kettle situation but I think that we should all avoid each other as much as we can. I think that its self-preservation. I know that it’s smart.

Wow, I don’t want to spend another 12 hours of my life in a pot smoke filled room with a bunch of drunken wankers and Ashley re writing history to impress his new best mates of the night. I know what I don’t want and that is what I am going to stick to.

I have never been homesick like this before. Not that I would really be going back to much, I mean this band is it for me. They are great players a fuckin machine but as ellie showed me her room under Nick Caves black and white stare I felt my chest hitch and wanted more.

There is one set of arms that I would run to. He gives the hello kitty in my scared up corpse a girl boner. I miss him so much.

I just can’t see it today…
Tomorrow I plot out where I am going to run. Jogging in Brixton.Guess I will be doing that in daylight.

My eyes are killing me and I hate everyone.
Tell you more soon.
SF4L
Michele