Edit.

If you edit you die.

Compromise can be a little death too if you let it,if its only you that is doing it so be careful dumb-ass.I know what people think about me its just that its the least of my worries is all.All I am is dead.Just like you,just like all of them. So it gets lonesome on the perimeter,cry me a river.I am not out to maim, just to express myself.

When I main you will know about it,rest assured.

What is the point of writing if you are not firing from the heart at that given moment? No disclaimers, no nets ,no back peddling.I will always get tared and feathered for this.I know the dance.People say that they wish that they could do what I am doing and then tear me apart behind my back.I am cool with it.It was part of the job description.I am not going to assume all the right poses and then fail to deliver.I will leave that up to the subsidized coward contingent.This bleeds and has dirt on its knees. So ,you don’t like me.Am I losing sleep? What do you think?

Hey! Check it out! We have something in common! Most days I don’t like me either! What do ya know!

I damage myself with it,with my actions and I know that I will,I see it in slow motion as it is taking place.I show myself and deserve no mercy.But I refuse to stop because if I do my self hatred will turn to self loathing and that is not a line that I care to cross.I don’t want to have that pity party for myself.

Lower.Its like the limbo of truth.How low can you go?

If I don’t adhere to myself and what I am? Then I am as bad as the ones that I hate.Its pretty cut and dried.Its also a brutal and ugly way to live but if you can handle the endless shit that comes with it,sticking by your convictions and what not,the highs are far beyond anything that you can even begin to imagine,trust me.Fleeting and rare but yours alone because you earned them. I can deal with that.I think,from what I have observed on my lifelong resonance mission,is that the alternative would kill me.

My poor Saint.She wants me to be happy.I am beginning to think that its not in my overall make up and besides,people that are happy all the time come off looking like morons to me.Which is not to say that I am sad because I am not.I just have a hard time finding solace in shallow pleasures.I have always had to work hard for my victories.I am not a natural at anything,I have never had that kind of grace or talent but the things that I have trained myself to do? I ain’t complaining,I do ok.

My poor mother.All she wanted was a sweet little girl and she ended up with a nut-job who just slipped through the abortion net.She gets me now and is a total star when it comes to so much of my unorthodox being but I am still apologizing for the mess that I am and that I made.

I think that I will polish up my acting skills and start lying.Its what humans do right? Its how we protect people from what we are.She has suffered enough.

I am trying not to be tired.To move.To take part in my existence.I am thrilled to report that not only did I go to the store today but that I also did laundry.This is major for me.I shit you not.I keep my eyes on the ground and surf on the malicious whispers.There are a lot of plug ugly motherfuckers clogging up the daylight hours that’s for sure.No room for beauty,for the ethereal.I want to force them to listen to Coltrane but my effort would be for nothing.The drones are lobotomized from birth,heinous foot soldiers on the short march to extinction.Like I said,I keep my head down….Of course now I am back in my nest of a bed banging away on my computer,digging myself deeper and not giving a flying fuck. I am not going to leave anything behind but words when I finally buy the farm so best that I leave as many as humanly possible.

Big old paper tail leading right up to my headstone if you please.

First show is tomorrow night.I am always so glad when they are done.I am kinda looking forward to it but not.My usual palaver.I think that I keep singing because I don’t know what else to do.That’s just  today mind.I may and undoubtedly will change my mind about it again and again.

If anyone has a pair of rose colored glasses… Nah,forget it.Its just another cop-out.I am not immune from the cop-out factor.Some people go to the pub, to Fiji,to a whorehouse… I go to ground.Everybody has their thing.My lesson in life is not to inflict my methods on the masses and hope that they pay me the same respect.

People get angry when they see you doing your own thing. Its kind of endearing.

I’m sitting here trying to think if I want anything from anyone.Solitude will suffice.If you are not on my shit list I want you to be happy or at lest self secure in what ever it is that you are doing no matter what or how self destructive.Each to their own dig? Outside of that I just want to be left alone.Yep,that sums it up quite nicely.As I find myself quite lamentable and rotten company at the best of timesI think that its a win-win situation all around. I am only good in short bursts and in public.What? I don’t think that there is anything wrong in admitting to that.At least I am aware of my capabilities and what it is that I am fit to provide in social situations.Gimme a redbull and watch me wail.The original cheap date.

I used to be really good at late night lamenting and hardcore bonding but my intensity got me tossed aside more than once so now I stick to what I know I can do.People think that because my life is regimented and ruled by non socially acceptable tenets that I am a bit thick,that I couldn’t possibly relate.That’s cool.I am not going to argue.You dig me or you don’t.I am not out to try and win anyone over.

I cant even win myself over.

Resources do eventually run out.I was never cute so thank fuck I didn’t rely on that to tide me over till the end of my days.I like that my existence and talents are specific and limited.That I hone the few things that I am rather that racing around trying to be everyone’s everything.Not to say that I didn’t do that on occasion when I was a kid and duly got my ass handed back to me on a silver platter of shame and remorse for my folly.The more you extend yourself to people the more they hurt you.Ask any abused kid who has tried to win over their abuser,they will set you straight in a New York minute.

I have never had much of value within me anyway.Not a shopfront worth doing a smash and grab on that’s for sure.I appeal to the connoisseur and the pervert.The connoisseur because they can see the few precious things that I hoard and hone and intrinsically know their value.These are treasured interactions and sadly few and far between.The perverts because they are just that and to the naked eye I am just a big fat freak.These are the drooling foot soldiers in the army of stupid that I find myself at war with daily.Arduous.

When people find me  Interesting or attractive I question both their motives and their taste.I don’t have the reserve energy to indulge them.

I write to write.I write to give myself a sorely needed self inflicted discipline.I write because its all about me and my fucked up waxing and waning ego.I do it so that I don’t die.So that I stay on the point hopped up on fear and sour adrenalin every night.I do it because I always have and because it the longest and most enduring relationship of my long past its use by date life.

Choice is a magnificent thing.I chose not to read and it saves me a lot of grief. Some days I chose to read to toughen myself up.To use the words of others as a whetstone to sharpen my fury on.It depends.Isn’t liberty beautiful?

Trying to get un-tired,un-jaded and un-fat.There is one hell of a trifecta right there.

Do what you do.Its yours and the longer you live the more you will find that not a lot is so make it count.

Guess that I will sing and see what happens then.