Fuse.

There are nerves involved every week.

Wondering if we will top the numbers from the week before. Heinous weather conditions had me set on red alert as always but my friends braved the torrential rain and as always made my perpetual adolescent dreams shimmer and shake once again.

I heard through a third party that my once beyond signifi-cunt other is mooching around Palm Springs tripping the light fantastic.How nice.Damn skippy it fucking hurts.I have been losing my mind out here with concern,sleepless and migraine molested with tension and worry.So glad that he contacted me to tell me that he is ok in light of recent legal trouble.

Not.

I bother why? Its stellar stop frame moments like this that I know that I am,without a shadow of a doubt, the total and utter embodiment of stupidity and I despise myself for holding on.A dear friend informed me of the contact made after the show tonight.Charmed I am sure.

I have so much egg on my face that I look like a fucking omelet.

Ok,ok….enough of that.

Back to what matters.

The room grows more lush by the week and the owners of the two dollar emporiums in my area cackle with glee at my approach.I am of the school that there can never be enough fairy lights. It looks obscene and me and my kick-ass team have the construction side of it down to a fine art.Max,Rickards and Richard make it so easy for me to give the illusion that my bedroom has been reconstructed in an inner city dive.

Bless.

Houselights down,candles a-plenty and Richard opens the show.People start  filing up the stairs and the room rapidly fills.Blackie takes over next and we tear through our duet and I feel treasured.All these people here to see us.I have felt like shit for so long now that I savor every single second of this,the way the faces give me light,push me with their  muy appreciated  presence to push myself.My big brother who forced me to look at myself as a musician again,a contender, when I had lost my mind with a shattered heart,when I had been made to feel like I did not matter,when I had allowed myself to be belittled .My dear friends who share the stage with me week after blessed week.

And my heroes.

When I was but a scrap of a snot nosed know-it-all upstart and I mean milk teeth young, I saw X swagger through a show with so much dirty savior faire it left me breathless and somewhat moist.I also got brained by a well aimed VB stubbie. Some people have the presence that sets them apart.Ian Rillen had it in spades and still I miss his cheeky grin as he would pinch me on the ass just to make me blush as I made my way through the rabble at The Excelsior.Steve Lucas has it in stereo and he shared the stage so graciously with me tonight that it made me swoon.He held the room in the palm of his hand.I got to sing “Wild horses” with him.My heart is beating faster just thinking about it.It was amazing.

I raised my voice with a legend.

So up I get.Time to close the night.I opened with “Amazing grace” and then dive bombed into “Habit” so far ,so good….

*pop*

All the power goes out.The room frozen in shocked silence.

Untill………………

“FUCK YEAH! I JUST BLEW UP THE FUCKIN” ROOM !!!!!!!!!!!! YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

And the audience went nuts.We were in it together.Phones and lighters joined the myriad of candles already dotted around the room and I was off.I sang my guts out and it was amazing.No power ,just all of us in the dark.I was crying with the sheer joy of it,every point of light became a salt star.I have never felt so utterly connected to a musical moment in my life.

I was on fire.

The whole room was singing with me in the end.I am crying as I write this.I am sure I will revisit it again and again.

Ugly for so damn long and you all made me shine. Can I tell you what you are returning to my battered self esteem week after week? Your company making me feel like I am worth it.

It will go down as one of the greatest shows of my life.

Look…..

I may be an idiot who does not know when to quit.And granted I may love wrong and unwisely until I fall apart.I may have panic attacks when I need to go to the store because civilians plain freak me out .I live by night and lie about my age.I am fat,graceless and socially irredeemable on every level you can conceive and quite a few you can’t.I never managed to grow up or for that matter stop dreaming.I am from small town nowhere with an 8th grade education and a missing tooth.Scared from the bullies and bastards that fucked with me and that I felled along the way.I am loud,rude,opinionated,neon hearted and have no firewall.

But when I see myself the way that you see me? The way that you look at me when I am up there?

I can’t go wrong.

Thank you all from the bottom of my black fucked up heart.

I gotta tell you,blowing a fuse has never felt so damn good.