It aint easy livin free.

-AC/DC.

I been workin from 7 to 11 every night,really makes life a drag.
-Led Zepplin.

This one goes out to the one I left behind….
-REM.

( To be read in the style of Dylans “Subterranean Homesick Blues” If you hold your nose it makes it more authentic,trust me I just did it….)

A-hem.Ready?

Red bull, diet pills, situps till you puke, denial, porn,Huge cocks just smashing shit in, tuna outta the tin, bleach, itchy cut,s tattoo scabs, ill intent, broken windows, whores i like, sweat sweat sweat, broken teeth watching you sleep when I cant ,the teeshirt of love ,bodies colliding half asleep fucking cause every cell wanted you fire on the road bepanthen fall apart to come back together and I never had anything like you before never really cared if i lost again,until you until now……

Or maybe not…heh.

I am gonna take nothing into the wild blue yonder this time.Have whittled 8kgs off my fetid corpulent frame,I piss Chernobyl due to all the red bull and supplements currently using my kidneys as a punching bag.My eyes look bigger on the bitter plains of my face and when I cant sleep i find myself tapping at my now visible sternum as if waiting on admitance.

A whole year twisted away.

Skin thinner move faster.
(“You are the boy I want to be” I wailed internally as he fucked me harder ,driving ,his whip hips nestled perfectly into mine like Russian dolls,tattoos slick with sweat and lust I came twisting pinned beneath him,his teeth locked on the side of my neck…..)

Almost time to go to war.
cant sleep nothing new there.Well,I can,just at all the wrong times.

had a shocking dream about my sinuous whore of a sister the other night.I woke up with a blood nose just like i used to whenever she was on a coke binge anywhere in the world.It was uncanny.She and Cary would be on a 2 day bender in London and i would wake up heart pounding blood streaming down my face in bed at the ranch.

I wonder if she od’ed? had not really thought of it again till I sat down so I guess in time it all really does fade away.I know she dont think of me at all.I was of no use to her in the end so why would she.She didnt have a heart to break.

Blady blah.

Gooch sent me a mess of pictures from Ozzfest this year.He and Big Val looked great.Big Gene is out there too with Strapping and you never know right? I mean stranger things have happened…..

Like Playing Wacken.

……………w-oah.

I think that this could be an uncool situation.I am leaving in …what? under 2 fucking weeks???
Mikey came round to hang tonite after a flurry of text messages.He said that the jam had gone well and asked if I could show up at the next one as its the last chance we have before playing HAMBURG.I am printing large trying to knock it into my feeble head that its really on.

No luck.

Just listened to all the new shit in my empty bed (it is now 4;42 in the morning] and still ?……nothing.I sit for hours looking at the euro conversions on ticket prices to gigs that we are playing on in 15 days and…..

Nada.

What the fuck is wrong with me?
ha! A long list but I am after details here.
I woke up at 6 tonite after missing yet another days trading.There is a list scrawled on my wall in sharpie,shit that makes no sense in twilight once I wake up,panicked shorthand written in the dark the night before (Boxes? hairshit,getshoes….)

And I gleefully dont give a rats ass.

Its got to the point when all my wantonly stoned affiliates are even looking at me with unabashed amazement bordering on dope fueled disdain.

(“Dude?Aint you met to be in Holland or somfink?”)

lalalalalala…..

Let us harken back to the 1st tour os shall we? (quel shudder) The first time that we really hauled ass as a unit we I ended up in the depths of hell convinced that my gee-tar player was trying to make me kill myself.Prior to it all turning to shit though I was as fresh, eager and well prepared as an untampered with boyscout.

And it didnt matter one fucking bit.I still ate it in a big way.

I cant see myself there.I cant see myself anywhere most of the time .Saint Tina is on her way and i doubt if i am gonna see Blackie and Monkey before I go.There are so many people in my last life i woulda chased up to say goodbye to but as it stands why the hell should i? They give noteth a shite about my warrior ass so I will let em rot choking on the marketable anarchy of King street,the salable cholesterol that is blocking the atreries of the last great punk enclave heart.

Fuck off all lary trustafarian infidels.

Much great conversing was undertaken by No #1 son and my stinky Pj clad self on the brown couch this evening.My tattoos nowhere near done and my period looming like the raven we spoke of all that has come befre and lead us here.Bloody hell.I have,from all we spoke about,worked out that I am gonna be ugly as all fuck out there and merciless.
Thats about it.And that made me smile.

I guess that I will make it out of the house at some bloody point.I find it hard to remember why I need to do this but then I remember that the magic pixies have forsaken me and that there is a mess of shit that I need to do.This week is gonna fly and then I will have a melt down next week and then I will be 8 miles high as my most adored Byrds would sing.

Mmmmmm.Germany.Lots of Museums and War history to set my black heart aflame.Coffee shop[s and David Bowie.Starving to bones and looking grumpy (“Ve are nihilists Leboski! Ve Believe in Nozthing!”)

Who the fuck knows right?

I find myself tied in all kinds of strange emotional knots that I have never had to deal with on this level before namely being separated from my significant other.
Although briefly married about a squillion years ago I have never had to consider leaving someone in my mentally unstable choppy wake before and its weird.

And I know that its gonna get a whole lot weirder.

I am working on being loved.Not easy.I advised significant other to leave me at LEAST 3 times a week,as a mate you understand?
fucking insanity really The way I am wired is so fucking confusing to my self most of all. I Say that its cool if he goes to hookers while I am on tour as I would prefer that to mental infidelity.I mean,when you gotta knock the top off it right??….
This it what comes form being raised by wolves and believing that I was ment to be a boy for the 1st 14 year of my life .
He IS my mate and loves me cause I am mental so he gets where I am coming from.
Its a mano to mano type thing.

Somtimes I know you cant be faithful so I ask for loyal instead.

There is a chance that it will all be sweet but not alot in my life has been “Sweet” so i tend to do alot of early preparation so to speak.

(“Batton down the hatches!Hes been cheating on you with a brain dead 18 year old bikini model!”)

You know the fable……

Ho-hum,I wanna make it through this with my Hello Kitty heart intact.

onward and upward………

There are a fair few cunts that I would like to crease before departing this fair isle once again but as they know who they are I would rather them live in fear for a few months….Although I must say that a few have faded from my shitlist recently.Not through lack of hate mind,Just because they are pathetic and faded and meh…..

I mean why bother? Who wants to punch someone in the chops only to end up with a shard of crack pipe inbeaded in your knuckles?
I rest my cast.Its watertight you know?

What did I learn over the last year home?
Well,I saw who was really there for me at my lowest ebb and they were not there because I was a name to drop at the pub,they were there cause they saw something in me worth loving that I can never see and for that I was humbled and grateful.
I learned to fight smart,that I could live small,that I could let go, gleefully at that,of the childhood dream of getting big here,
That the people who run the show here are amoral pig fucking vampires who are not even worthy of my scorn,that its good not to run the race here,That being a SikFuk is indeed for life but most of all that I can survive fuckin anything and that I did.

And not to get inked before you go up on blocks.Fluid retention is a cunt.

Cars out there sounding loud in the rain.I should try and pass out so I can get it together tommrow.

I guess my last week here will be an unmitigated flury of tattooing and filthy sweaty sex.
And to quote Sir Lemmy.

“Thats the way I like it baby,I dont wanna live forever!!!!!!!!!!!”

( and dont forget the joker )

A-fuckin’-men.

SF4L
Michele.