Fuck.

Its the details.The things that I was always running to fast to notice.Smeared like wax,dripping coma slow on the periphery. But now,in shock,I seem to have all the time in the world. Not that I know what the hell I am meant to do with it.I see the traces of us that you have left behind and it soothes me no end. I was flicking though us online and I found the cute picture of us outside the Annandale when we had just come off tour. Made me happy that you had posted it along with my all time favorite picture of us onstage in Berlin at Whitetrash.We fit each other so well and I think that that is why I have been unable to give myself to anybody else.

Not that I am much of a prize right now…..

Whats the point?

The thought of someone touching me,trusting someone enough to get me naked? Ain’t gonna happen.Be easier running through hell in gasoline lingerie.Think that I am gonna need a damn sight more therapy before the thought alone doesn’t make me toss my cookies.

Its seven degrees out there tonight and although I still want to murder my roommate I am throwing up bountiful thanks to Elvis that I am not outside in my shed even though I miss it so much. That was one cunt of a winter people but strangely I was still happy. I had space and privacy no matter how arctic that’s why.

Working on the material for my beloved band. Poncing around my shoe cluttered bombsite of a room like the bosomy spawn of the illicit gay union of Robert Plant and Chris Cornell .Looks like me and the amazing Miss Nina and going to steal 48 hours in July and head back to “The cat palace” ( aka-Marcus’s house) so I can proceed to kick out some more jams with my dope drenched partner in crime. Nathan,drummer mon amour,has been sent the tracks thus far.Hope he gets a sonic boner for them.I depend on my drummers live so much.Mikey was my anchor in Tourettes as Gene was in Meldrum. Now more so than ever since I am playing bass as well.

Its a heartbeat dig? Keeps me tethered to the stage.

I also have a month of Wednesday night shows to look forward to as well.Feeling a tad rusty but I don’t feel comfortable practicing at home anymore ( living at home,sleeping at home,breathing at home…..) which is pretty much the most low down shame you can imagine. So much for having a sanctuary.Sanctuary,pigs ass.I will have to do it though.

Blackie tells me that he has been playing every day and I am so proud of him.I know that I am going to snivel when I see him get back up there again. He is not getting well as fast as he wants to but as I tell him the progress that he has made is amazing and the fact that he is still here at all is nothing short of a Ron Ashton sanctified miracle.I spend allot of time wishing the most heinous things on the two fucks who did this to him.

Think “Final Destination” and your kind of coming close….

Been felled by huge waves of homesickness for LA.Not being home for the 4th of July two years in a row is utter bullshit in my books. Freezing here under the weight of my weight and a depression that ebb’s only to flow back and fiddle with my shaky foundations like a priest with a choirboy.10 pounds lighter though.

And love is caged. I find myself walking more.I walked to Central station the other night.I trot all over the place broke and cold but able. I am able to do what I want when I want. The thought that you are not feels like a steel cap boot stomping on my heart. I want to send you miles of words on paper that smells like me but you have left me alone in the ether. I call your number senselessly hoping against hope….

Hung with the Foxcore tonight for a much needed catch up. My amazing friends who make me feel like I am worth so much more than I think I am. I am so lucky to have some amazing friends.

Its cold and I am tired. I wish that I knew what the hell was going on back there. Look at me hanging in the wind.

Does this hurt and confusion make my ass look big? Is it my color?

If I told you how much it hurts me you would take me out back and drill a bullet though my brain.