Ice.

I forge ahead with bold and daring new endeavors not ready for them eventuating in any way shape or form.

I set myself up every time.I keep thinking that something will eventually shock me back to life.I dare myself to live because I have not the courage for any other option. I think of when I was wanted and treasured and my blood moves slower with the weight of the ice forming in my veins.

I see what was mine from a great and perilous distance. My existence ,full of sweet fuck all,exhausts me. I am good at pining and sleep. All that I hate in others is what I despise in myself.

I keep throwing myself forward.I keep going to see what happens next. Don’t you?

My big brother tells me that he has new strings on his guitar for tomorrow.His courage is awesome to behold,his recovery a blessing. I cannot wait to bare witness to his peerless talent,to see him on stage again as I have seen him so many times before. I thank all the available gods for his continued existence on the the planet at the same time as me. Fuck your notions of blood ties,fuck them swinging. Your true family find you in the end.

I read his text and I smile.I have not played my guitars since I returned from down south where I played my ass off writing for my band. I hate living here so much and no matter how I look at it all it is a Mexican standoff and I know that it will be me to go. This is where I shower,shit and sleep. I don’t feel comfortable playing here. Its beyond dire. The whole family thing? I am so glad,blessed, that I do not have it. Tied to useless people that you have nothing in common with. I attempt to spend as much time out of the house as I can and I shudder and jam my ear plugs back in when I hear a key in the door on a rare night that I find myself ,well,for want of a better word, home.

This is not a life.This is no way to live.

I think that I am going to start packing up my existence once again.Boxes of books as high as the ceiling,clothes I am to fat to fit into. I don’t want to look at my possessions any longer when I cannot be in my supposed domicile to enjoy them.It hurts far too much. I do not want to look at myself. Miss Nina has schooled me in the ways of intermittent fasting and clean food. My body is morphing once more.Shifting its hazy perimeters again. I remember the bones that lie beneath and the clear vision that comes with fury and physical diligence.I need to amass funds and solutions  will come. I need to get my head in the game to play these Wednesday night shows again.

I let myself down.Never gently.

Good things present themselves to me and I am superstitious,I dare not articulate them though fear that they will disappear. My shabby cards are held close to my buxom chest.I stay low to the ground.

We loved each other more than we loved ourselves.I still feel myself bleeding out towards the coast and I wonder if the mercy that we show each other could ever be a firm foundation for our truncated future. Do you want to get it right? Maybe there is no place for me by your side, no place for anyone. I am drawn to our kind.Addicts are so very charming.They have to be as they are always in the position of having to refresh the cast of their lives as they can’t hold onto any one for very long.They always have to make new friends as they use the old ones up at a rapid rate.

Know your animal.

Its a dog and pony show when the monkey holds the reins. Vampires. They suck it all out of you and then move onto the next host.The jones must be fed and the pure hearted are grist to the junkies mill.I didn’t even know that I had a heart until you broke it. Isn’t that just the darnedest thing?

We are as close to forever as our kind can come. We know this. What ever shabby stand-in is by your side? I can forgive you for your bottom-of-the-barrel bonanza. She is a band-aid on a bullet wound. She is a stop gap with a cunt.

Glad that I am a husk.It cuts down on perimeter defense time but rest assured I still walk the point.There is nothing of value left within me. I am a mute.A novice. A celibate cripple. I am less than zero.

Thank you.

I don’t want to play tomorrow.I am so rusty.The ones that think that I will rise again? I am ashamed under the raw light of their misguided faith.I don’t want to let them down. It is freezing out there tonight under the full moon but you have to believe me when I tell you that it is even colder within me. One of my oldest friends,my compadre,so far from me now tells me that “You always win” He is unflinching in this belief and I want so badly to be the woman that I was when he declared it so,back when I lead our band like a pirate queen. He writes to me of my loyalty and how it is one of my finest traits.

I shut down to survive. I am a coward when it comes to relations,to love. I do not have the right tools and I am not mean enough to play the game.

I will sing.

And I wonder somehow if you can still hear me?