[Still in fuckin Sydney,Fuck.]

And I gave my heart to know wisdom,and to know madness and folly;
I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit.

Your everything,that’s why I cling to you.

Crawford shook his head.
“Its fear, Jack.The man deals with a huge amount of fear.”
“Because he got hurt?”
“No,not entirely.Fear comes with imagination,its a penalty,it’s the price of imagination.”
-Thomas Harris “The Red Dragon.”

Not as much hatemail this week.BO-ring……..Think those half-wit palookas run on a lunar cycle cause its always round the same time as I go up on blocks.Heh.

Gooch went out and met up with AIC on the road.Sent me photos that made me smile…..Big Val and Mike Inez sending love to my vigilent little butt.Miss em.Cant wait to get back into the ring again.A decade of their love and support.Hell yeah,I walk with kings.

“Soon baby” Croons my muse who STILL looks like Jenna Jamerson after all these years……

The crazy dude who live next door to us got kicked out.They found a box of 32 hand Grenades in his room.Which was pretty much under my room.Sad I didnt get to know him now.Sounds like we had a mess of shit in common.

32 grenades is alotta boom right there.That and a rocket launcher and we coulda had us one hell of a high time on King St on a Friday night.Sigh..Ce la vie….

I got Deluxe some huge faux diamond studs to cheer him up in the face of all the shitstorms that he has been weathering of late.That and he has been admiring Pharelle’s for a while.Ross,Putting the “Bling” into DIY metal.Gotta love that.

Got Willie Nelson on a loop on my internal I-pod.”On the road again…” He croons while I sweat bullets and fail by the fucking hour with no credit card and no net….berate and hate myself paralyzes and the seconds tick by inactive and cursed.

Big calander on the wall still says “March” I fuckin wish! I still wouldnt have it together but on the other hand I would still be hooning around in my private lagoon ,eating mangos with significant other.March was a good vintage for me this year.

Back to now.Its 20 somthing days till we go.I dont have the money and its fucking cold.I am eating cheese and being kept company by a small black recently de-sexed cat with a bucket on its head.I can hardly stand the glamour.

X and The Rollins Band are gonna be doing shows in LA and you can bet yer bottom Dollar that I am gonna be pissin my fan-boy pants front and center for THAT!

Its down to days now.And I am not doing anything but watching the headlights of my future as they speed towards me.We got a drunk driver with a lead foot here lemme tell y’all….
I could not get out there tonite.I poisoned myself with too much sleep after weeks of none at all.Left the set of our new clip after another all day shoot [I will get to this more later] had a shower and passed out from 11 sunday nite till 2 monday afternoon.My typing is fraught with peril due to long black false nails.Best you dont ask…..

Do you ever wish that someone would just come and “Do your life” ?
I must be a teenaged defeatist from wayback….Just the crap bits like….well,all the shit that is not kicking out the jams,getting tattooed,finding money or fucking I guess.

Its now 2am on tuesday morning.I am wearing a Pantera longsleave that Tony [SF4L] sent me from Orange.I almost pissed myself when Rossco handed it over.I can pretty much guarantee that all the pix that come back from Europe are gonna feature this here garment. Miss’is Lili and Metzy made an appearance on the second day of filming due to the fact that I could not get to the Mz Ann Thropik single launch the night before,a predicament that gutted me.They left after presenting me with a ruby studded pirate ring and taking armfuls of barbed wire roses in return.Spoilt me……

Diamond Lil and The Pornstar are always amazed at the bounty that you Sikfuks shower apon Me.Lil cant believe that y’all know me so well.I smile to myself and think back over all the years of “Whitetrash” and the times we have before and after the shows,miles of emails and think that nobody knows me better at this point in my life and I am glad.

So heres the fable…
Guy called Judd tilyard [aka “Francis Ford” and “Speak up!”] decides that we are worth the trip from Brisvegas to make a Video.Bless!.He and Delux conspire and needless to say it came out nothing like the script and no one got any sleep.My rack should have its own agent at this point…..

Due to Deluxes prowess with a pair of bolt cutters we broke into a 4 million dollar warehouse and set up camp for 2 days.When I arrived back on set for the second red bull powered sleep deprived day I found out that Judd had slept there guarding all of my Beloved Finbars lights.We all called him Francis Ford after that.Well,I did anyway and thats all that fuckin matters…read on……

Its for the song “Gear”.You know the one,The one that heaps of people think that I wrote about them….peh. The one that trades my smack habit for a love habit. Both are fucking fatal.Love scars the inside.

I know who I wrote it about in the turbo charged summer of 03′.And I know who fills my happy minds eye when I sing it now.So,We did it all in half speed which means that every playback is stretched out to about 7 minutes and you gurn like a fucking raver in the summer of love with 3 E’s jammed up your quoit and a fist full of glowsticks.Quel sigh..

Most of the second day was me in a white wedding dress that I had destroyed.Max found it while dumpster diving and handed it over.Kinda looked like a cross between a wench [“Freshen ya pint Guv’nor??”] and Chloe Webb in “Sid and Nancy”.Cool Cool Cool! I got to dance through a Field of 300 lit candles,shitting myself the whole time looking at Mikey arming the fire extinguisher [no lie.]

Knives blood and Red velvet beds….Me and significant other dressed up as mad pirates kissing like hollywood in a field of fire….The whole world dropped away and all I could hear was the blood pounding in my ears….Times like that its not too fuckin shabby at all.

Hearing the track over and over makes me think about what a sad place I seem to write from.Not to worry.All the shit for the next album is so valiantly brutal I will be galvanized nightly by pure hatred to deliver.

Get so caught up in the shitfight to get “There”That I honestly forget what the fuck I am doing .No Lie.Its easier than it sounds.Always need to get in the studio,the road,airfairs…….

A few things got me back in line after being “Out of hand!” as my adored Jay Blurter would say.

The 1st thing being a CD that Number1# son slipped into my bag over the weekend……

Anthony recorded all 78 minutes of us tearing up The Gaelic Club from the desk.I am listening to it now remembering how sick I was that night,phlem falling out of all available holes like toxic rope,listening to ash bitch…..Thats me.Thats what I do.Thats why you sell plasma and do all kinds of dodgy shit….Remember?

2nd thing being a girl….

She never really tells me what the deal is.Shes kinda shy which is why her putting me in my place hit home…I like the way that we have become closer over long nights.The shape of her in my arms feels tender and correct to me.I bury my nose in her green hair and feel her heart beat next to mine.
“Go an’ do the fucking clip dude” she squints up at me “Thats the reason for everything your doing,the music….”
She sees me glance at her Tourettes tattoo,Bold on her forearm.She scratches at it and smiles at my slack jawed awe.

Never fails to amaze me that people are so passionate about this.I forget.They want me to actually do what I do.The mind boggles as the heart swells……

And shes right.I just chase my own tail.Told Delux that tonite that “I feel like Rodney Dangerfeild with fuckin tits here man! I get no fuckin respect!” He told me that he was driving so I sighed and hung up.

Got one or two more days or recording with Ash before he heads back west.I think that will cover it for LA.I pray that it will cause I gotta get moving while that pointy fuck is gone.Ross always takes his side.

Me and Saint Tina had a bit of a charged call the other nite.Bottom line is that some of my natural family have come outta the woodwork.I dont wanna know. I dont even know if I know HOW to know at this point.Trying so hard to make something of my big fuck up of a life.I try and tell Saint T that EVERYbody wants something from you…..thing is, that outside the lines that I have set for myself to preserve my ever fleeting sanity,that I really dont have it…that is,anything to give.

Saint Tina tells me that she and I have the same eyes and after all these years I cant care.Nothing ever means what you think it will in the end and I guess thats just the way that it goes.

Significant other tells me that maybe without my anger I wouldnt have a center,a driving force.Hell,he may be right but I am not in the mood or position to even want to test his theory at this point.

No anger there though,just numb indifference.

Clock is ticking and baby,if you aint for me you are against me…..

Look at the tribe that we have built.Got that ruby on my finger glinting and winking at me as I type away.Its all I got and its more than I ever imagined that I would get or deserved.

Got your postcard from hawaii doll…miss your firebrand hands.

Miss Suzanne,I know where you are at and we will pick up where we left of.Of course I wanna sleep in your basement baby.I could think of nothing finer.I am avoiding packing up yet another room,peeling posters from the walls.My usual mayhem.Not respecting myself or what I might need I let the hours bleed together knowing that even at the worst of it Hatred has got the wheel and revenge will take the second shift.

I feel like I am a ghost up here now too.I imagine the road winding to meet my wheels and the flat prairies in the summer rather than the snow,Where the hell has the last year gone and more pertinently am I returning a conquering hero?

Here was me hoping that being an instrument of vengeance would involve being thinner and somewhat more stylishly dressed but as y’all know I will take my kicks where I can get em.

An interlude that made me smile today.

I received a stunningly malevolent phone call this evening gleefully informing me that an old adversary had been deported back to his country of origin while trying to flee back to London.I laughed so hard that juice [Orange,no pulp.] spurted out of my nose.

Guess that there is some tenant is society and within the realms of politeness that stakes some claim to not be joyous at the downfall of the fuck puppets who messed with your inner Peace.

To this I call “Bullshit” With much flag waving and setting off of fireworks.

I believe that there are few things finer,well, other than a good shit,the Saints winning the Super bowl,Hardcore pornography and playing a sold out show THAN revenge that kept your hands clean.

I hope that nothing BUT shit reigns down on the people who knowingly hurt me after I had given them my everything so, on that front ,I had a good day. You can call it petty all you want I dont give a shit. Thats the difference.You bow to society and its mores that you secretly despise and I say it while you just think it.That shit will eat you up.Its the lies that you tell yourself so dont go Turning your nose up at me you hypocritical cunts.



For the making of the “Gear” Filmclip.
All the blackhearted thanks in the world to….

Rossco Deluxe.
Judd Tilyard
Significant other.x.
Number 1# Son
Sir Pointy Mc Assfuck
Maxwell Deamon
Finbar the Great
Matt and Matt
Miss Lex.
Meegs Jay
All at 140.

Trying not to be a ghost,those who are ment to know what I mean…