You know the pain thats in my heart

It just shows that Im not very smart
Who needs love when you’ve got a gun
Who needs love to have any fun.
-Black Flag.

When ever there is a big change comming I retreat into the halls of my memory.The bastions of my past where I can roam barefoot achy lonesome and sorta happy.
All the silver bullets that I polish to war readiness are distilled of all my hurt and all the lessons that you would be wise not to forget.
Forgiveness is a ploy.People are evil knowing that their prey are gonna let em do it again and again and again and again…..

Do you honestly have time for this?

[He only hits me when hes drunk….]

If you make excuses for anyone who damages you in anyway and you take them back into your life you deserve every thing you get and My respect for you is non existant.End of story.


Sure,I am sooooo full of hate.Rather be full of hate than full of SHIT like you.If you have all these issues with me why not call me on it face to face? Cause you know I am right.
Cause there is a chance that I will haul off and belt you?
Better still that I will laugh ??

You know how I know I am right?
Cause I get all these whiney fuckin emails from cunts that I hardly know who are so self important and paranoid that they ALL think that I am writing about THEM.We got alotta guilt and crack smokin goin down in the burbs’ to-NITE kids….

You know what ?
On alot of spanky levels my life could not be finer at the moment.No shit.Got 2 international record deals,World tour,health is the best its been in years,writing songs again,joined at the genitals to someone that can I throwdown with and have been doin so for almost a year solid…….


If you think that the voices in my head have shut up and that the monkey has stopped rattling the cage you deserve the shitstorm that I am gonna bring down.The older I get the sharper it becomes. The line gets thinner and my hate more refined so to speak.

I didnt know where the songs were gonna come from this time.I had no idea.I was a burnt out shell.Then I wiped the crap from my eyes and had a good hard look around myself.Fuck! Just walking down King St on any given day makes me fucking homicidal.People and their excuses.The skin that I am in and how much I hate it.Denial all around me.

All the things that I hate and find in myself and how the hot knife SMARTS but ya gotta get that fucker out at the CORE…….

[When he first got me there he looked at all my scars and told me that i was beautiful and thats how I knew what i know now and that it was worth the fear of open arms and exhaling but i still got my gun my gunmygunmygun…………]

Its 3 in the morning and I just woke up again.Had one of those weekends that I gave up on everything.How is it that I will be in LA in a month? It just dont compute.I cant bring myself to tear my room down yet again.A life led in boxes and storage.I am in for the long haul.

I try to see as little of my band when we are not playing or on the road.I guess its because I know how tired of myself I get and how much they dont need the day to day reality of me.

Going back to alot of places is gonna be really strange.People are so dumb…guess what? If you fucked with me a year ago? 2 years ago? Hell! A Decade ago you are still unforgiven and yes,I still fuckin hate you so dont buddy up to me now and think that its gonna be cool.Its never gonna be cool.My shitlist is etched in stone…….

Everthing they love you for in the beginning?

You know the rest.

So ,I have not been out.Have not seen anyone.I tend to do this as it makes it easier for me to slip away.Good to know that I will get a little more summer into my life this year.Untill then its all about the hustle and the ink being pumped into me.At fucking last.

There is so much that I want to be putting across here but I cant seem to get it together.Why? Hell,I got a million fuckin reasons on that front. Wish that I was sleeping at the right times.Went over and recorded with Pointy the other day.Strong stuff.I will never be able to articulate how much I dread the process.Its double or nothing since the Canada debarcle.I am hoping that LA clears the slate for me.

No one in my band gets me so I stopped trying to explain.Its not worth it.I have no idea what is worth what.But I am on a steep learning curve and I am more restrained as time marches on so what the hey.All that matters now is the great music that we make together.And we do.

Deluxe is working as a homicidal truck driver,Mikey delivers Pizza and teaches drums,Ash never works but always has money for coffee,drugs and beer.I know,I cant work it out eather.

In the year that I have been back in hateful whore like Sydney I have seen Blackie maybe 10 times.Life just going and getting in the way.Miss K and cat have done a bolt from the Crown St shoebox and landed up north,Me and monkey seem to rub each other the wrong way so I dont bother,Gooch in AZ,Toddski in NY battling his shrew of a wench,Leeroy is rebuilding and I miss his soft company almost always.

So all in all no one is gonna really notice that I have gone again.

I dream of the coast and the still nights heart pounding over the dunes.Fuckin hippy.I write lists of what I am gonna pack [sweet fuck all],

You know,All the boys that were once my mates and insperation,whom I looked up to….none of them came true.They were the “Big” guitar gods and scene kings and they all gave up and had kids and shit.I would rather fail knowing that I tried than ever settle for second best.We bump into each other sometimes and all I can feel eminating from them is a sad resentment.They always know exactly what I am up to as well.Funny that.In me wanting to become the boy I could never be I became the man that they wanted to be.
Aint life a motherfucker?.

Strange the way shit works out in the end.

I will get back to y’all sometime.