Nothing I do is good enough for you.

-Tori Amos.

The beginning doesn’t matter, as long as there’s a good end.
-Tamara de Lempicka.

It takes a kind of shabby arrogance to survive in our time, and a fairly romantic nature to want to.
-Edgar z Friedburg.1959.

Self-trust is the essence of heroism.
-Emerson 1841.

Self trust eh?
That’s a big ask. Trust at all.
Raise your hand if you have never been betrayed and bask under the golden green light of my radiating envy for all time for you are truly lucky.
The guy across the road is walking his cat again. I live in a crazy neighbourhood. Little New York. Big 3 level terrace houses. Why have a TV when you got a view like this? The best show to tune in for is when the nymphomaniac junkie next door is in the throws of breaking up with her lover du jour. This happens at least once a week. Yells her ass off, throws shit out the window, begs him to stay and then? Then she blasts schmaltzy love songs from the mid 90’s late into the night.

We are all looking for something I guess. The cat man, the junkies, the lovers…. I am sounding like a crack addled version of “The rainbow connection” I have often considered looking at life like a treasure hunt with out the pirate ship and sea sickness. I am such a horder. I think that most socially crippled writers are. Just suck it all up, fine tune it and the move into the palace that your memories have built, pay no rent and reel back for all time.

What can I tell y’all?
For all the things that happen and change nothing really does. Get low and wonder if you can really fool yourself into anything that even resembles peace and or safety. Can’t move my head to fast ‘cause it starts spinning.” Get gone!” croons the main voice in my head tonite sounding a lot like Ronnie Van Zant.All I need if that whistle to make it complete.

Want to be told something. Not sure what or if it even matters. Anything to drag me away from my own boring internal circles. Watching people getting dropped home in taxis, me making up whole nights for them as they stumble out drunk. My tendons feel like they are coated in sand.

First day out of bed in a week after being laid low with an utterly filthy flu that kicked the shit out of me 5 ways to Sunday. Whenever I get that sick it’s usually round the time that I have decided for one reason or another to pull my finger out of my ass. Then I end up going through the whole “God hates me, wah wah wah….”Thing that seems to come skipping along hand in hand with snot and self-pity.

All in all it’s not so shabby. Got some good shows coming up and we are playing an in store at Utopia. All the things that you once daydreamed about…. The 1st in store I went to was for The Hanging Tree [Flynn from Cogs old band] at the old Utopia across the road. Francis and me blew a heap of money and rocked out. I loved it how all the old school metal heads that worked there would look down their noses at you if you had any questions. And now I get to rock out. What a buzz. That’s the kind of shit that keeps my depressed ass rolling.

Knowing that we are going back out on the road? Hmmmmm…. I am trying to dissect that in my phlegm choked head. Knew that I shoulda made a tea before I sat down to do this. Fleas everywhere. Gah!

Watching the planes on the flight path. Hawaiian Ginger drifting round my room like an under aged drunk at a house party and these are the dark hours that get me into so much trouble and I think that I would like an adventure for Hanukah Daddy.

I am pretty highly strung at the bet of times so it doesn’t take much to get me thinking along the lines of self preservation some. I just hope that we can all be polite enough to each other to keep the wheels spinning for as long as they need to be. I have to get gone when the drinking starts cause I seem to be the perfect target for abuse. Ho fucking hum. Looking forward to seeing what they make of us in Europe. How can they not fall in love with Ross? Hmmmm?

Sitting on a chair covered in a KISS tee shirt, at my desk, looking out my big window. Anything on the side of the road is fair game right? Volia! One desk for moi. So it’s not all that bad tonite. It’s just not what I want it to be either and there lies the pain in my ass so to speak. Being sick all week knocked me out of jamming with the boys. The last time I showed up late to Troyhorse there was a mess of people standing round the door listening to them wail, nodding heads and what not. I joined the Frey. I tend to believe that they sound better without me.

Ash is writing all the time and I guess in my own convoluted way I am as well. He tells me that he wants something “New” out of me and my blood runs cold cause I really don’t know what is left inside me.

I don’t know if I am ever going to get past the fact that as a musician I fell like I don’t “Do” anything. Look at me now. What do I do? Fuck all. This is a fact that got pile driven into my dying heart by our guitar god when we were recording Sicksence in Canada. I got no education and no social skills. Perfect huh?

I am just rambling, looking for answers when I know that there are none and not what I would really want to hear if there were.

Deluxe is calm for a change. His beloved Max is home for a stint of domestic bliss. Great to see him again after so long. I approach Max with awe, as he is the only thing as far as I can assiataine on gods green earth that makes Ross happy and that is no small feat.

Significant other is on an absinthe binge this evening, in the bath no less. Monkey and Blackie are at the Dale.Leeroy fish has no phone lines left to him and that’s pretty much how it’s all rolling. I am just glad that I have my voice back for the weekend. I thought that I was a goner there. Was talking to Saint Tina tonite thanking her for the Hello Kitty love pack that she had sent me from Hawaii [Hello Kitty on a surfboard? I rest my fucking case.] Telling her about headlining the Galic club this weekend.” Well! That will be cool,” She said. “You will make some money on that…” Laugh? You betcha! Till I fucking cried. I have made 20 dollars in 5 years and that was cause I cracked a shit cause everyone else was getting petrol money.
“But Michele. You don’t have a car…”
Cue me loosing it at Sound level till I got my share.

Tres pathetic.

Well, that’s not the case anymore. After years of being a shady fuck I have finally got a car. Now I just gotta get round to the licence bit. See, round the time when you are ment to be learning to drive and all that stuff I was shoving Eccy’s up my bum, cruising around red-light districts and making a big lairy nuisance out of myself. Just ask porn star if you don’t believe me. So now in the autumn of my fast youth I am going to get sorted.
With “L” plates.

Hehehehehe…Not the most practical time to buy a car but ohhhhhh baby…WHAT a car.
Finally beckoning the primal call of my rev head roots.
A matt black 1967 Valiant.
I look at her and get a wide-on. Named her “Jenna” after you-know who.
My motto is that even if you know that you are doing something dumb and impractical do it with excess style and a heady dose of “Who gives a shit?”
Exactly.

Just went to have a shower to wash the nausea and sweat from my traitorous corpse, rattling, still trying to shake the last of this illness. And as I was berating and hating myself beneath the spray, a line shot up and sucker punched me from the beloved brain of my ever-hallowed Sir Hank.
“Keep yourself Respect in tact” He bellowed at me.
“Wah!” I yelled and dropped my loofah.

Do I? On a good day I like to think that I give it a nudge. But the point is I think that its one of the more honourable goals.
I think that it’s a good one to strive for.

I still think that I have the same points of integrity that I had when I set out into the world. There are some who would disagree but that belongs to them and they are welcome to it. You always get hung for evolving rather than changing. I stick to my guns even when they jam and backfire in my face. Maybe it’s the only code I know. Maybe it’s not your code. And maybe I don’t care. Howja like them apples?

I wish that I could forget sometimes. Forget what has been said to me. It’s a part of social interaction that I am NEVER going to get. The cruelty. Oh man! Of course I have dished out my fair share but what I have NOT done is reneged on my fury when the smoke cleared. I do not beg for forgiveness. I will give my all until I am fucked with and then you are dead to me.

I have always been this way and people get up in arms when I do it to them. They take my good nature for softness and stupidity, which is the dumb assed mistake that costs them.

Are my methods unsound? More than likely but at least in this society of sheep and sycophants I have a method that is mine.

My room is perfect tonite. I feel like I am sitting on top of the world at zero hour in the morning. Between the 2am riders on the road to nowhere I can hear the wind and crickets telling me that the city is not always nasty baby. Nothing like a false sense of security with a foxy soundtrack. I will take what I can get. I think we all get to that point sooner or later.

I never seem to write enough. I know what I want to say but it all turns to crap the second my pen hits the page. I am going on a kind of retreat after this next lot of shows. Going to try and rope myself in and see what I can wring out of myself. That and fish and have a few sneaky crying jags sitting out on the point watching the sun extinguish itself in the ocean for another day. May do me the world of good.

It’s the last runner I can do before we all jet and its been in the making for months.

Go somewhere where you like yourself. Burnt and clean I like who I am strong footed in my village when the locals are almost protective of me and the time that I have there. I feel dizzy but I am sick of lying down.

Archie from Doom fox rolls up and says “So I hear that you are playing Waken with us this year.” [Flicks shag cut hair] Goes on to tell me what a hard drinking rock god he is and that he is going to get me fucked up. I put down the stack of glasses that I have collected and tell him that he could never run far enough to get away from the damage that I would inflict on his skinny ass if he tried it. That shut him up.

I don’t care how hard you think you are. Stand and deliver on stage or fuck off.

I don’t think that I will believe it until it happens. I can’t place that kind of stock in much if anything anymore. No expectations? No disappointment.

The toilet is busted again so I have got my legs crossed to avoid going all the way downstairs. Just going to chill beside my Japanese “Apocalypse now” posters that Significant other got for Me. Sticky and mental.

I like the liberty of not giving a fuck what people believe to be true about you. Judge me lest y’all be judged motherfuckers.

A different thing…..
I want nothing but the scant few people I can be bothered to love to be happy. There is not enough magic if you know what I mean. Someone told me once that it’s called a breakdown because it’s broken. That swirled around my head for days. We always want to get the last word in no matter what carnage we cause. I am all knotted up about the human condition at the moment. I should get a hobby.Hell! While I am at it I should get a life.

Why do we all deign to make it so fucking hard on ourselves? So we will have something to report back to the other monkeys at the zoo? Is that it? We need to create drama so people will see us standing there waving our arms around like gibbering idiots under the loathsome weight of our own self inflicted misery? Learned behaviour that can be as addictive as anything else I guess. I don’t want anyone looking at me like that. I spend phenomnal amounts of time trying to be as small as possibe.to slide under the line of vision and avoid wars that are not my own.

Picking up glasses for pink shirted bell ends on a Friday night once again.Quel fucking sigh…. Was not going to do it but Porn was at his wits end so here comes Queen snot to the rescue. Hell, He’s always been there for me and as long as I have a voice and can make sound check at 4 its no skin off my fat ass [Although I wish that it was. I need all the help that I can get….]. Think that I am going to wear Miss Terror’s tiger hat for good luck and protection.

See you at the show.
Don’t get none on ya.
SF4L
Michele.