25/09/03

I have been running on empty since we made it back from Melbourne, not sleeping, thinking far too much about the state of my state so to speak [utterly fucked,thanx for asking…..] I am in the mood to ramble so thats what I am gonna do….How often do you think about emotional mutiny? For your sake I hope that it is not as much as Me.I should try and get my point across a little clearer here. Ok,It is the “Kick Me” sign that your broken heart sticks on your ass at your lowest…It doesnt really affect me,I removed my heart years ago.It was doing nothing but getting Me into situations that did nothing but waste my time and make me hate my all to human failings.Trust Me when I tell you that I dont miss it.I hung a photo of Sir Johnny Cash in the empty space only last week.Vale.It looks rather fetching surrounded by red votive candles,somewhere to retreat to in my dark hours..I know that Nick O is out there drinking enough for both of us.[You gotta get that tattoo now man…..]In a word?Gutted.I couldnt write about it when I heard[Thanx to all who wanted to be the 1st to tell me and thanx to the 1st who did”…He has gone to the grand ole opery in the sky pussycat”You know who you are.] We are gonna watch ’em all leave the building you know,it is our lot.Tears me apart.I hate day to day humanity,not really what you could ever call a “people person” so to speak.

Humanity makes Me want to vomit.Cant be any more blunt than that can I?.Music is my life line.Never had anyone stay up with Me and see Me through to the dawn the way My CD collection does THATS for damn sure.Do you know what I mean? Your loss if you dont but I doubt that you would be here now if you didnt get my drift. As you know we just made our way back up from Melbourne.I hate September with a passion so to that equasion add the tooth ache,the fight at the Greenroom for which my bandmates hung Me [Michael and Glenn? Two soilders that I always want on My side of the wire.Thanx for saving Me from getting totally smeared.] My shithouse birthday…Lets just say that the fun didnt stop for olde misery here.

Not all bad,dont get Me wrong It was great,show wise.Playing with Bloodduster was as amazing as I knew it would be.I fell off the table I was moshing round on like an utter tool when Tony dedicated a song to us.Yeah,I know,real fuckin’stylin’.My big bro Blackie made my weekend showing up at The Tote after The Hard-on’s killed it only scant meters down the road.I wanna take this chance to say sorry to the nice barman at said venue that Ross and I put on the spot with our quasi adolecent sexual stupidity.No one deserves that kind of verbal panzer division raining down on them when they are trying to do their job…..YEAH RIGHT!..[.I think that he woulda shagged Ross but that is a whole other sordid tale.] Miss Karen Cocks did a great job keeping our asses where they were ment to be [never an easy task] Got to rock with some great bands over the 3 nights that we laid waste.Wouldnt trade it….so many new sikfuks crawling out of the wood work.I am tired and smiling for that fact alone.You can win a set of steak knives if you answer My jaded ass this one question before I head out into the sunset to pay for all My sins.
Q:What do you do when the enemy is you?
More later.
Dropfire.
Lt.Madden

Part 2
Sept 26th 6:08 am.
Soundtrack? “I walk the line” By His Holiness, Johnny Cash………[on repeat.] …..People always saying how they “Love” stuff.”Oh!I love you/it/that/him/her”.I got to thinking on the way they throw it around, fire it like spit balls in class on the last day of school.I thought that if “Love” had to have a friend to hang out and shoot the shit with ,that friend would be “Yes.” They would hang at the mall and tell each other that they looked great then bitch about each other to lesser verbs later.I am on the rampage when it comes to these two words tonite and although you dont give a shit why you are gonna get told ’cause this is My fuckin’ page and I can do what ever I want….They both have built in exits.Are you following Me here?Look,How about I give you a little background before I get in any deeper and my brain explodes due to my rampant insomnia.I get hung out to dry,alot.This is because I dont give second chances and I dont buy into social reindeer games and bullshit banter.I say and stand by two words.I say and stand by them a REAL fucking lot.I say “No” and when I must rise to the occasion I dont fuck about or say it lightly but,and you can sue me, “Hate”.The last one is one of the only things that I have ever really had a real flair for to tell you the truth!I dont know where you stand on this but I tend to think that life is too long.Too long to put up with people and things that mess with your inner peace.The way that I see 99.9% of mankind is like someone who got totalled in a hit a run and then to celebrate getting out of the ICU decide to go and play in the traffic.Self abusers of the 1st degree.

Look,you are not under contract to make anyones life into a fucking theme park.If you dont want to do somthing or you dont like someone,stick to your guns…LOUDLY.Say it.The reason people shy away from doing so is because they are surrounded by
vampires[Read;friends,lovers,bosses,parents,teachers,spouses,girlfriend
. ..wah,wah…add lib to fade.]
who make them second guess their most base emotions.I call Bullshit.You feel what you feel and you are the sum of that,go on tiger,ya know you wanna.What is the worst thing that is gonna happen?Ohh boo-hoo, a pack of people that, if you could even get the bare minimum of guts up to tell YOURSELF the truth, you dont like ANYWAY are gonna leave you out?Gonna seperate you from the pack?Lemme tell you somthing,You are gonna die alone.You only have a 2/10 chance of buying the farm in your own bed… DONT WASTE YOUR TIME.Why the hell suffer fools if there is no need to??Clear the path and walk alone.Dont be so afraid of your own company.You can change your 1st call on “Love” and “Yes”.”Hate and “No”?…Wellll,The weather is not so good and the room service pretty crappy and come to think of it ,I am usually the only guest but all that aside…It is not a lie.When you say yes to somthing that you wanted to say no to in the 1st place?That is where the lying starts.And for what??You are now attempting to protect the feelings of someone that you knew in your heart that you should have denied in the fucking 1st place with little regard of what was best for YOU in the 1st place!Gimme a fucking break!!What kind of self abusing shit is THAT!??Then you go and complain…about your own stupidity,no less!!!….To anyone who will listen.Why?BECAUSE,YOU BORING LIFESTYLE CHALLAGED SPINELESS FUCK YOU NOW HAVE A ISSUE ALL OF YOUR VERY OWN!!You are a 4 alarm whiner.I see people like you as a car crash,I dont want to look,buuuuttttt…Damn!!Me?,My life flings enough shit my way every day thanx…usually friendly fire,excuse the pun.What?Awww!!C’mon!Friendly fire?Your own “Side”getting trigger happy on YOU! and yup,I am the ham fisted motherfucker of Doom on the IRONY tonite My heritic sikfucks,better belive it!I dont mind the crap from the civillians so much its the sniping I cop in My own DMZ.Why?CAUSE I WONT BE OR DO ANYTHING THAT I AM NOT.End of story.Sure I will work with you,we can teach each other.I am all good with that.But You know what I am and where I stand.I make myself clear from the get go.So,That pretty much,right there explains why you fuck with me on my own point…Because you dont have the balls to call the shot and stand by it and because I do?…Ha!Compared to you on a social level?Lets just say that I dont HAVE a social level.I went out there.It dosent work for Me.Hell,There was a time when I wanted to go and mix with the animals[Thanx Hank!],to see if I was missing anything..I decided that I wasent and made my way.ALONE.I found out early that I was not a pack animal.Big deal right?WRONG!And that,if you have made it this far,is what gets me hung out every time.I live by My own code on My own time and dont answer to anyone.Now, you would think that that wasent hurting anyone.Right?WRONG!It,as far as I have seen ,hurts EVERYONE and why???Cause THEY CANT DO IT!They tell me to My face how much they admire my,ahem,”Stance” on things …FUCK OFF,FUCK OFF,FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You narrow minded wannabees.You make me sick.This is not a “Stance”you clowns,I dont fall back.What?You think that I go home and stop being Me????#@!#@!That there is a”little lady”[….snort!] just DYING to climb out of the self created carnage that I am?So you can stick a label on her?Jesus-fuking-please-us!!!You SUCK!You WISH it was that “Movie of the week” cut and dried dontcha…No dice.

I was born right,maybe not right for anyone ELSE but I know that I am right for Me and at the end of it all that it the one truth that I have never backed down on.It is the only one that I own.If you have made it this far,ever been bailed up by me after a show when I am on a roll or listened to what I sing,I know that you know exactly what I mean and for a moments peace just maybe that will let Me sleep tonight,but I doubt it. Michele.