Wild panic sets in when The Ramones, Motorhead ,Herb Albert and the Tijuana brass and pornography don’t help.

Shit is raw when ” Whipped cream and other delights “ played at top volume don’t get me shimmying round the kitchen in my Godzilla slippers while I wait for my Mi-goring noodles to cook.

That is how you know the situation is serious. I have not shaved my stems nor taken a photo of my butt in three days. Three days???  Are you shitting me here?? This is a code red on Planet Amazon. This is fubar. ( Look it up for Christ’s sake you morons! )  I have been drawing from the deck of my sacred -as -shit Hello Kitty tarot cards over and over all night long while Apocalypse Now paints the TV screen with its eternal perfection and Elvis, in his Demerol dunked wisdom ,won’t send me a clear read.

( Hello Kitty death card? Priceless.)

I have been burning bacon and peanut butter  incense and dancing spasmodically round a glow-in-the-dark effigy of his royal jumpesuitedness while throwing handfuls of  Mexican Quaaludes in the muggy air like pharmaceutical confetti but alas,to no avail. So here I sit cross legged before you in a freshly customized Mickey Mouse tee-shirt that makes my rack look edible,emerald green silk panties curving around an ass hotter than donut grease and a thunderous bad mood.

It is ten to three in the morning. The weather doesn’t know what the fuck it is meant to be doing. Penguins are staging ritual suicides off rapidly melting ice flows and I expect it to start raining mutant frogs any day now. We boil,we freeze,we boil,we freeze… add lib to fade….Gimme sugar skulls to melt upon my tired tongue, pink candles for desire,arnica for the bruising that has arisen on my hollow heart following the caviler blows your indifference administered careless on my affection for you,you,you,you,you……

(can i forget your pierced tongue dancing with mine and the taste of tobacco sending my senses pirouetting across the stage of-maybe-he-feels-the-same-electricity?can i forget your fast kiss on my stomach and your huge hands holding me? your moan into my mouth like a white flag,a gold star to my desire for you,to please you?can i forget? cuming hard and fast over the phone you so far from me? you telling me that i was filling your every thought and that it got me high? caniforgetpleaseiwanttofogetletmeforgetineedtoforget,,,)

All I have to look forward to is my new punching bag and throwing knives to be picked up on Friday from my sketchy rat faced weaponry dude deep in the cordite stained bowels of Chinatown. I also have to get a picture  of a certain someone printed up to pin on the old wooden door that I will be shortly turning into blade brokered splinters. Mija needs a target to keep her anger on the boil. Know thy enemy. Know thy heart harmer….

Because I don’t want to get all stupid and Christian about shit now do I?  Forgive and whatnot ? Oh honey no!

See most animals of the female persuasion would curl up and die right about now. See,the dealio here is I didn’t need you to make me feel like the most fuckable twist in boots but I sure as hell liked it, I liked it a real lot and when y’all took that away?  When you let me keep on liking you because even though you were not really into me but dug the attention and all?  Well…that right there is where you went and messed up, my darling discount dime store Don Corleone.

I thought that you liked me ( “You really, really like me!” ) and now I feel like a fool and trust me on this,the last thing that you need is me feeling foolish. See, I don’t deal real well with romantic embarrassment being that it’s rare as rocking horseshit that I throw my hat into the ring when it comes to this kind of caper. Oh baby! I was set to tie a giant  “Its a new car!!!” red ribbon around my lean languid self ,load up with a six pack of corona and a bucket of fried chicken and home deliver. And now look at the mess you done gone and made…..

I like to think that I am wrong and you and me are good.( “We are better than good.”)  I would love that to be the case. Honest injun I would! That we would laugh about all this tomfuckery , then you would shag me senseless till I got a nosebleed and passed out while still impaled on your many impressive inches….. Hell! I like to imagine you explaining it to me in great detail while I have you on your knees, hands bound behind your back in a fast cooling pool of piss. Did I mention that I have a piano wire noose lovingly wrapped around your scrotum and my .45 aimed at your thick head ? Make it stick like glue baby.Make me believe you and mama will rip that nasty old duct tape off your wrists and fuck it all better in the shower . Convince me good you snake tongued turd or I am going to pop your nuts with a flick of my tattooed wrist right before I blow your brains out.

Multitasking as ever. I do declare! There are just not enough hours in the day……

My long suffering shrink tells me that I have got to stop,you know,with the fantasy’s and all. I sit in that white leather chair week after week and I try to make her understand ” Look, it’s like this”  I sigh wearily though steepled fingers leaning forward earnestly on my tanned thighs  ” Do you want me to fantasize about it or do you want me to actually do it? It’s your call.”

I hate it ,I hate getting blown off ,taken for granted when I placed you so highly in my hit parade. My winged monkeys tell me tales of seeing your drunk ass in strip-clubs while all I get is radio silence. Goddamn you to hell and back you asshole. You hot sexy asshole….I am starting to think that getting hurt in this life may be the only gritty foul sustenance my salty short time sixth- tour -but-hey!-whose-counting? -grunt-ass needs. I mean really? Let’s take a gander at my embarrassing track record as of now shall we?

My ex ends up with a opiate addled,string lipped glory hole with a heartbeat,I ruin a nice boy or two, the object of my erstwhile filthy desires is busy in bathtubs with Asian hookers or then you have lusty lanky lads so caught up about what I have done and do with my life that they get all dick- tied and chicken out.

Listen up and listen good pilgrim,I am done with taking pictures of my anatomy for dick packers who don’t appreciate my good taste in smalls and my bitchin’ tan line.

Sir? Your Indifference has huffed out the hot pink  and violet pilot light that was keeping my junk nice and toasty for your terminally dumb ass.

Now I am mad.

Thank you for that darlin’. Really! I mean it. Anger is and shall always be my finest fuel and your rejection of my stellar affection has just put a tiger in my tank. Grrrrr. Mad leads to radio silence and miles motherfucker. To self focus and a whole Louis Vuitton suitcase full of fuck you. I am so pissed off right now that I can’t even rub one out. You suck. I just wish it was my anatomy you were sucking on.

Many a dark night of the soul has been spent marinating in Pink Floyd and Blue Oyster Cult while  wishing in vain  that nice boys flipped my finicky switches but it is just not to be…..In the words of my darling Lady Thrax-a-lot, if they  look like that fucked up sorting hat in Harry Potter,have a speech impediment,a few sordid scars and a sailors soul ? We are cactus.


I an useless at not thinking about you. You know what? I bet if you called me tomorrow?  I would curl up in a horny ball and  purr.  Oh well. Time for me to take a spoon of concrete and harden the fuck up.

Problem is I wouldn’t feel so bad if you didn’t make me feel so good…..