( its about have all meshed into one big lump of hurt now.all of my sins.its all in the telling.its all in the tale.its all you and none of you at all.i stand by everything.i deny nothing.why would i? its all mine, all live and up all fucking night…..)


You want to tell me how I feel again?

I’m sorry,can you speak up? I didn’t quite catch that…..

So, all I can do is ask myself , why did I bother to tell you how I felt about anything at all ? You were not listening baby,you were just waiting to speak. Pointless. You couldn’t even see me right there,right there in technicolor, in front of you. So back to what I told you about what I felt? I told you why? I am some kind of unholy stupid that is why. I should put myself down. Take myself out.


(Yey Ramones!)

I know what you are doing.

And it’s ok. I’m not being sarcastic. It’s the human condition.I can’t point a finger at you. I will have three pointing back at myself. I am a born sinner,unwanted and unworthy. Dirt ground into the soles of my million mile feet. So you are doing just find, just breathe easy…it will all be over before you know it.

I get it. Consider yourself got. I watch. I am a collector. I understand.

You need to believe that it was something else all along so that you can continue to hurt yourself. That there was someone else that I was heading back to or away from you. Not true. You think that they all haven’t done to me exactly what you are doing right now ? Dream on. Well, go on then, if you must. It’s not as if we haven’t all done it before.Guilty.  Cherry picked around the truth of the matter. That it was not working out. That it couldn’t be saved. That one was in love and the other was relenting or bending to a fleeting desire. It’s life.

But look me in the eye and tell me this. If I really wanted to be with someone else wouldn’t I be there ? I do what I want and I answer to myself. I would be exactly where I wanted to be,with whom I wanted to be with. I can hardly be with myself at the best of times…..

In fact ….you know what? I quit. Done. The desires of my desires can just fuck right off. I am going into hibernation because nothing is worth this. I ruin all that I touch. It’s time to retreat. If I want to be found I will write. Talk myself in around and through just like I always do. Because this is true. This it it. My brother tells me how many days he thinks that he has left in his Noble life. I get to thinking about how many of mine I have wasted on those that were unworthy of my hunger. Of a passion that scared.

That endless fucking hunger.Perfect kisses. Oh fuck you for calling me beautiful,fuck you for wanting me…

So under. I hold my breath and think of the true men in my life,the ones that I can count on who love me for all my fallible follies. Who respect me on an even playing field of sound and protect me fiercely. My band mates. The ones that I have been waiting for.

What is true? This I ask of myself.


My desire for desire is hindering me. So let’s murder it.Blunt force drama. I hate it about myself above all the other of million things that I despise about myself.  That my relentless addiction is to attention. I want to snare the king of the hill. I want to be wanted by beauty. This is my Achilles heel. This is my undoing. I don’t know what I am trying to prove. I wonder why it’s so important?

Is my life destined to be a fucking John Hughes movie? Revenge of the fat ugly smart mouthed girl for-fucking-ever?

I burn it all out. I burn it to ashes. I have the mark on my forehead. I can feel it burn.

Tell me again after I have told you the truth that I am a liar. Tell me baby. Tell me over and over again and then wonder why I keep myself away from you. Why even if you cross my mind I don’t seek you out to see how you are. We used to fuck. You pumped your anatomy into mine,we did it over and over and your need for bullshit drives me from you.You make me a stranger. I told you not to do this and you do so this is what happens. Now tell me again, did I lie?

You lost me when you decided that you didn’t believe in me and I am too hung out and strung out just trying to survive my life to step into the dock in your invalid courthouse of emotional bullshit to defend myself against your bogus paranoid charges.

There is no case.

This is why I don’t reply. I can’t win. You made your mind up at the start about who I am and who am I to try and change it? I respected you too much. Unlike what you have shown me.

I told you what I am. I told you it was black or white. And this is what you get. You corner a dog it will rip your arm off. You knew this and you pushed it .You pushed it so you could prove to yourself that you were right. That I was not the one.

So what did you win? How is that working for you?

I’m gone . I would have come around but it was never fast enough for you. Patience is a virtue. You were and shall remain a prince. I never lied.

Don’t fish with me. Don’t dip your amateur hook into my sucking deep blue sea my boy. You are gonna need a bigger boat….

I am finding bones and silence. My corpse responds to the slightest of movements. I fall back into tighter flesh. I starve for greater vision. I am repetitive and loyal to my causes.

What is real?

What I will hunt within me. I am the enemy. I am going to trip my wires and blow it all  away. Wild beasts will devour the remains.Even the score within. Oh you mean boys who try and touch my tin heart. I felt your hand on my hip in front of our peers,I ran to you from the stage and I thought that it meant something ? Why did you even bother ?  I can’t even touch myself now, I still want you to want me. Hope kills me. I feel so fucking stupid right now and I don’t know what to do.

So you can go. I will stay. I am the rotting remains but at least blighted and shattered I belong to myself and no other. Worth nothing, I own the ruins and I scan the perimeter again,eyes like a hawk.

Don’t make me come and get you. Don’t think that I wont fuck you up. I have nothing to lose. I can see for a thousand miles ,there is sand and gasoline running through my veins.

And you are ?

I’m sorry I didn’t catch that ?

And you are?

Blackmailed and forfeited? Addicted and self pitying? A parody? A king of nothing? A blind vampiric fool?

And you are?


I will sip your acid baby,hand me the glass,wet my pout. I will fuck your lean shadow and cum unholy and streaked with your blood. Stain the sheets and bend like wire around the nothings that you taunted me with. Go give your scant everything’s to the girls that beg and primp. I am on the edge. I will dance on your graves.

I am forever when all you could handle was a moment and I hate myself so much that I always think that it is my fault. I woke up with you and all I could think was that you would never want me again because I am not perfect enough. I’m for flawless and I fail. With  distinction. I didn’t want anything but what you were willing to give ,I like the space that you took up in my mind. I thought of you and wondered if it was still me that you were fucking when your eyes were closed.

I wanted to make you lose control so then you would never forget me. That I would mean more to you. I don’t see it like you do which is why I don’t live among your kind. I was weak, I wanted you so badly that I would get wet when I saw you, when I saw you before you saw me and wondered if you would take me.

If I could be her for one night.

Do you still think of me?

I scare myself at these moments. Did you see something raw and unguarded in my starved blue eyes that scared you too ? Is that it? Did you recognize it as your own? Will you run when you see me out there in the world and pretend that we never ? You believe in endings as well don’t you ? You employed the word “Inevitable” when asked about your last emotional evacuation. We all go. Just take me with you….

( in the softest of voices as i rode your sweating length in my mexican crypt of a room airless ,our breath keeping toxic time together you sighed into the shell of my ear ‘choke me again…’and i did.and i will.and now it is nothing but a loop jammed on my internal projector that i make myself cum to with a speed and dirty ease that is almost …. )

Greed is  great undo-er and bringer of harm. I have an addicts mentality when it comes to everything. I can’t stop. I can’t stop eating, starving, running. I can’t stop. And I wanted you. And if I don’t erase you I will want you still. I want you still.

You don’t want me.

No sane man could. I am just a challenge. A diversion.

Fact– I know what I am.

Fact– You lied. You said you could handle it, me. You gave me that impression.

Fact– I am and shall remain a fool for believing so I now stop.

This is not about the mythical “You” or “Him”. Past or present.There is no you or him. There is nothing.

(“I bet you think this song is about you,don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you?”)

Don’t try and find me. Any of you. Past, present or future. Stick to your flimsy word.

If I want you? I will find you. Bet on it.

I go under.