Ugly.

Ugly-

adj-lier-liest.

1. of unpleasant or unsightly appearance. 2.repulsive ,objection,or displeasing in any way. 3.ominous or menacing; an ugly situation. 4. bad tempered,angry or sullen; an ugly mood.

Means that no one can see you.They are not programed to.

“Gimme beauty or gimme death mama! I want flawless! ” she begged.

You WISH dip-shit. Madden,its never gonna happen. It never was. You were fooling yourself. Trash gets taken out. Ponder upon that……

(“BUT I HAD IT!!!!!”)

Yeah. So?. Its gone.  If it was ever real in the 1st place.

You ain’t gonna get it,you ain’t gonna get sweet fuck all. But you saw it didntchoo? 

( ” I Did,thine eyes saw me in return,the sweetest gift”)

You had it.

( “WE had it”) 

Were anointed with it at every throbbing pulse point.

( “I wanted you to tear the heart from my chest and it it raw”)

His fingers calloused by years of strings and reverent. Lips followed fingertips and on that beat up bed you were a goddess for the 1st and last time. He looked at you like you were Christmas and the new year rolled into one. You would have died for him.Stabbed yourself beneath the statue of Johnny Ramone to prove it….Hollywood Forever.Now never…..

Gone.

(“Why didn’t you wanna kiss me no more? Huh? Huh?)

The lack is an absolute ! The space it left behind fatal. Eternal. Hungry?

(“Mmmmm!” )

The lack is cancer wrapped in a fillet of finely sliced HIV on a tossed bed of mixed jaundice,septicemia and hepatitis. Bon appetite stupid. Would you like a side of lymphoma with that? 

A poisoned feast.

( “For desert this evening we have melanoma flambe over leprosy crepes!” Highly recommended!”)

( Dig in Michele….”)

Death all over. But YOUR not gonna get THAT lucky pirate child.

No.No.No.Oh HELL no.

There is no easy out for you honey. You have to carry round the hole.Just like Medea. Wind will blow through it and whistle Dixie ( “Look away,look away….”) Cobwebs shall be strung it its melancholy curve and you have to keep going.Unnumbed and unaltered by the easy amnesty of the grape or the lanky,sinuous arms of morphia or her evil rat faced brother meth…..

No easy out for you sweetpea magee.

Unfiltered, you have to re-live it every day. It will find you in your sleep. It will hunt your shattered self esteem licking and sucking at its canine teeth. Hackles raised and shaking with tension.

You know it wont stop till it hits the bone and then,even then…..

I remember all times that I was called me ugly when I believed that I was loved . My defences were down. What the hell dirt like me was doing thinking that I was worthy of anything at all still baffles me .Its imprinted on me that there was no chance. I will never work that one out…..My wires are still tangled to this day.

But I am transparent now. People look right through me. The number of people I know diminishes day to day. If you resist eventually people stop trying. You know that they don’t really want to see how you are. They just want to witness the car crash and take tidbits back to the other jackals that you once thought were your friends.

Stop trying.

They stop extending because you bore them.You bore yourself. You are just another number now. Another member of  ghost parade ,you stupid fucking girl.The next time you bore some one it will be with a Phillips head screwdriver between the 3rd and 4th vertebrae.

Hunted.

Its embarrassing isn’t it? To try and go out in public only to have to run away. People ask how you are doing and you dare not speak the truth. Read you thesaurus again. Talk to yourself. Why bother doing anything but? There is no closure, no answers and they assure you  (“They!” she hisses like a snake…)  that this is as close to closure as you will get. This open wound running around your life un suctured. No stitches. Open,unhealed, collecting maggots like lonely  kids collect stamps and action figures that they never take out of the boxes.

Send letters to non existent addresses. Cackle as you insert blank envelopes into the red maw of the post box.Watch friends jump ship and lie to you because you are not as well lit,per say, as other options that you brought into their  lives in the first place.

Read history re-written in the viral gutter press and all the while attempt to retain dignity. Go on ugly,do it. That will keep you warm at night. That will cure all that ails you. That will serve and protect like some internal police force.And the check is in the mail.Duh.

That will kick you in the fucking face over and over with steel capped boots while you are down more like it.Asshole.

I am unread so I write to flex. I write because I am a writer and I stopped bent backed though fear like I stopped my whole life. No one wants to be defending themself  or on the outside like I am now so like good little dogs they will take their licks.

What has it won me.? My life? Big fucking deal. What is that worth now? Nothing at all. Absolutely nothing.  They all lied to my Modigliani face.My blue period Dora Marr bone structure.

And what is it worth?

The city of angles has its dream laden gates closed to me.All my friends there are now disconnected numbers when it comes to me.I try not to think about what I have lost but it weighs so heavily upon me.

Ugly.

Hardtail,dyke,bitch,whore,slut,cunt. My poison bouquet.

I lay it daily on the grave of  hope.I feel the ghost breath in my ear as I sleep whispering such endearments into my over polluted dreams. I will never be touched again.I Said I had one shot and I took it. It failed. I am done.

People under estimated my strength of will all the live long day.

So now I watch the bones shift according to the daily barometer of misery under the flesh of my face. I don’t know myself.I look like no one I have ever seen.

Goodbye,goodbye. You stupid fucking dog.You dumb bitch…remember?

I sleep with a knife.

If I had the courage I would end. But I don’t.