Beautiful.

 

When I first saw you it sucked the breath from my lungs like an air strike. Like those cheesy movies when the edges blur and fade out. Violins. All of the sudden everyone fell away.There was no one there but you.Sitting there smiling up at me……………….. 

The summer is 4 on the floor this year.Its easier to come to life later. The heat tells me to go harder.

I’m going to sell a kidney and spend the money on plastic surgery and a .44.

Its hotter than a fat man’s ass crack here. A heatwave ,and not the Motown number of which I am very fond of.

 Old people falling over  like wrinkly bowing pins outside the market. I stop on the way home and stick my head under a tap in some random front yard. Its relentless.The lawns all look blond,crew-cut down to the dirt and mean. The earth bereft of moisture. An angry asian man yells at me out of the window.Like I give a fuck. I shake like a puppy ,drenched, flip him the bird and keep walking home.

I’m bone dry within half a block.

You know,I would have set myself on fire if I though it would have made  you laugh. That “Tee-hheeee” laugh that I loved. The way you would impersonate me twisting my mouth to the side. Jumping up and down with my hands on your shoulders.

That kid is dead.

The gap is big and I can see it stretching on forever with no reprieve.

Horror rounds of the dentist and doctors today. I am now filed under the mental health act. How about that huh?

I’ll tell you all about that. It sucks the high hard one. Why do they bother asking me how I am doing? I am a homicidal, body dysmorphic recluse with PTSD.

How the fuck do you think I am doing?

I had to wait till late to train.The sun almost down, I shot out of here like someone had lit my feet on fire and my ass was catching. Ran.

 You don’t want to know what happens to my fragile balance if I don’t do it. Got home ,sweating like a rapist and I plugged in the colored light bulbs that hang on my porch.

Approached the bench. Guilty of  imperfection, I tore my muscles apart for another day.

The lights made me recall the last party I threw.

(Cue flash back.)

How I gathered all my friends and family together to celebrate you. The holy day of your birth. How I presented my life to you,gave you everything that I had that you didn’t want. I guess that it,me,all of it wasn’t good enough for you to commit to.

I get it.

You are a natural beauty. No wonder I bored you with my effort and eagerness to please. Big dopey dog at your feet trying to hard. Wish I was cool like you.

Wish I was beautiful like you.

Beauty such as yours gets everything that it wants and then pulls the wings off it. Boredom? I assume that’s what it is.I am wingless now. I am earthbound. Forever the grunt while you, like Icarus, flirt with the sun.

I come undone when I see a picture of what we were. Your smile. Those husky-dog blue eyes,full of lust and desire putting on a show under the lights. I didn’t know I was fragile until you broke me. I didn’t know what love was until I was yours.

I am dead in the water.Lame.

And you are still beautiful.

Me? Oh hell. C’mon now.I’m just a small town fat girl with a chip on both shoulders for symmetry and balance. You can get who and what ever you want. You used to remind me of this as if I wasn’t grateful enough to be the one that you chose.

Me,the flat footed,rotten toothed maybe.

Me. Me who was so good at loving you. Us ugly girls try harder don’t you know?

So,after puking on the jasmine bush I rinsed my mouth out with the home brand soda water I am so fond of inhaling ,wiped my mouth on the hem of my sodden stench laden Jack- in -the- box tee shirt, recalled you calling me a whore and kept going.

Why? WhyI keep going?….. I don’t know.

I battle myself everyday.I told you I would never fight you.I told you my guns were unloaded when it came to you. I was weary,so tired. We had fought the world to get to where we were…..

I  drifted dangerously from my fragile frag-grenade laden moorings today and thought about when I had my breath last taken away.

My memories are not safe. But that is where I return to time and time again.A mix of an orgasm and Hamburger hill .It feels good for a second then you get your ass kicked.

When I smelt of Christian Dior’s Poison. When I would stay awake just to drink you in at my leisure for hours. Lean over you and breathe in your dead oxygen. How I knew that I would never love another. How you warned me and I didn’t listen because I thought that I could fix everything and how long I had waited for the chance to prove it.

How cocky I was. Boy, oh boy,did you learn me a thing or two! Betcha golly gee by wow you did!

How ,to this day and I believe ,all days to come, that you were beautiful.

I try too hard. I’m always outside myself watching. Doing a critique.

Telling myself to stand taller, lose more, run faster, eat less, write more,get tanned, get inked, get lean,get a fucking clue. It’s remorseless. A flesh fax spewing endless lists of hatred. It’s not like that for you.You know the fruits your perfection brings. That everyone will do anything just to rub a little of your golden charisma up on them. Another hole to fill,another heart to break.

We had some fun didn’t we baby? I write and I write and I tell myself not to edit not to hold back. The roaches out here are tame and drunk on the heat.Stumbling with it over my floor. They ask me if I want a beer. I smile and refuse.Sweet to offer though…..

Been playing my guitar because its too hot to do much else. Finished another 2 songs. Next show is in march somthing unless I get off my ass and book more.I cant be bothered. Now that I have got the 1st one out of there way I figure I should keep showing the world my disgusting lack of talent. I am actually proving a public service. I make people feel better about themselves.

“Fuck! she sucks! I am doing better than I thought”

See?

I dream of LA too much.

It’s a can tied around my fat ankle. I can hear it rattling when I run but I don’t want to cut it off. I hold onto everything like a bower bird. Even the bad stuff is still stuff in light of all that I have lost. 

(Can keep it?. Can’t I? please ? It followed me home! It can sleep in my room Ma! Please…please!!! )

I see pictures of you and die.

Beautiful.

Smell your scent lingering on the wind.I fold like a letter and it sends me back into us. When you looked at me like I had a diamond wedged up my ass and you were gonna retrieve it with your tongue.

beautiful.

Your laugh and when I could cause it.

beautiful.

It’s just breathing honey.It doesn’t mean a thing. Any idiot can do it.

I said that I couldn’t live without you and guess what?

I don’t.

.