Blame Canada….

-Southpark.

The job of the artist is to deepen the mystery.
-Francis Bacon.

Men Live by forgetting-Women live on memories.
-T.S Elliot.

Vanity.
-One of the 7 deadly sins.

I tell myself to cut the cord.Not to talk.I’ll tell ya,that fucker in the Manic Street Preachers had the right idea.Just get gone.I daydream about THAT more than I should, get in car and drive untill no one knows your name.Untill you forget your name.

Tourettes spreads the love.You gotta love this one.One of Ashleys ex’es and one of mine are now dating.Sweet as shit except for the fact that they are too busy fucking to write an old mate anymore.Slack arsed fucks…….

-Did you hear me knocking?

I smile as I come through the back door,the cold falling away as I dump my bag and move deeper into the house.

-Yes.And we left you there.

Ugly like a fairytale troll,cruel and pointed,rolling stingy joints as thin and pale as himself.Ladies and gentlemen ,The guitar Golum of 13th street.

Some band person was dropping dope off for the members of this esteemed musical group who indulge.Ho-hum.Everyone drinking like fish.A quater ounce and a sixer of Lucky are about the only interesting things here.

Its Dire.It really is.I am suspended in a web of surburbian semi-intrigue and shite.Where is the fuckin hidden camera? This is not funny any more.Rock and roll Big Brother and I better win Me an amazing album here….I am wondering why I took time out of my Oh so lacklustre roster of sweet fuck all to dip into the population.He said, she said, Mexican standoff “Why didnt you call?” bullshit.I didnt call cause I dont know what I really give a shit about right now.That good enough for ya? Oh look! not lying! You are not really equiped to deal with zero bullshit are ya kid? Whatever.I may not be doin a hell of alot but I sure as shit know what I dont want or need to be filling my 24 hour allotments with.I never leave my room.I sleep as much as I can because at least in my dreams its not snowing.

The sick thing is that it didnt even feel like a good idea at the time.I dont have to berate myself with any of that “What was I thinking ?” Shit cause I wasnt.Thinking that is.

I am to relationships what Bush is to Pro-choice.

Get the coat hanger.

One million people in this burb.I musta done somthing rotten in my last life.Ten past two in the morning and all I can taste is bile from hurling behind the bike shop on the way here.Right up the widow which was strangely satisfying.Looks like a Pro Hart super-inposed over 1200 dollar mountain bikes.The Spew bandit.I stole some mints from the bar a couple of nights ago and I am digging round in my backpack while typing with one bitten didget.I ran out of finger nails about 3 weeks ago.I peal the skin now untill my nailbeds bleed.

[ ‘Look for happiness inside yourself” he sighed not really caring.She turned blind with greif and screamed as he pushed her,yawning like a cat, back into her abyss.]

Back to cranking in the shower for Me.

I mean, you gotta work out what is worth what right?.My hand never pisses and moans at me or asks why I didnt call…….

I tend to turn all my past follies into romatic tales but not this one.No fucking way.Mikey said somthing to me tonite about it being some bullshit ammout of time untill we play again and I headbutted the kitchen shelf ,my head bouncing back.Clear blue recoil.Hes pretty unshakeable.I dont belive in much tonite.I am sick of hanging out in bars and talking the same garbage over and over.

I am trying to remember where it ever got Me before.Never felt as alone or empty as after a fuck anyway.First words that flood into my mouth like rotten wine “I gotta go….” trying to find my clothes in the dark.

No roaches here.Too cold.Bonus.Seeing that my floor looks like a junkie squat.The tins are starting to get interesting so in the name of science and total boredom I will keep em growing.[ “Is that blood on the sheets?” he blanched “Yeah….” she sighed “Yeah,it is”.]Every couple of days I think that I should get my shit together but there is no point.I dont have to see anyone or do anything.All my clothes are doom rags of filth.I smell ripe and have not taken my dreads down in,Dunno? 2 weeks?3?…Give a shit?.No.Where is bottom? How low can you go indeed.

Shouldnt be listening to QOTSA.Makes me miss My Brother and Monkey.Makes me think of the endless summer that I am successfully missing.[ “I saw you at the show but as I was destroyed on drugs I didnt say hey….You looked happy….”]

A drunk asked me if being in a band “Was Fun?” last night at the bar.”No” I deadpanned and stared at the floor untill he was so uncomfortable he left.His Shy friend,who endeared himself to me by standing up everytime I left the table, wrote out everything told him in Russian so that I can get it tattooed onto my corpse.”Why would you want somthing that is saying so ugly?” he questioned me, kind eyes ,in broken english twisting hands dark with moter innards,oily engine blood….”You got your truth and I got Mine” I answered.

She has given up smoking after 40 years.”You are my patch babe!” She tells me sounding kinda edgy a week in ,cold turkey.I watch the lights change at the intersection and wonder why she thinks that there is anything good in Me at all.I would be back on a pack a day if I had the money.She send me Valieran to make me sleep that doesnt and never will work on Me.. c/o the studio in which I have no place.I smile and feel pained at the sight of her hand writing picking out the letters of my name on the customs form a world away.

I feel like I have got a dust storm kicking its Tony Lama heels up in my gut.I survive on lurid candy,borrowed books and charity.The diet of Kings baby.Listening to Rose tattoo sucker punched by memories,wondering if you read this,if you still care while the speed addled junkie in the booth next to me plays weekend warrior and blows away the bad guys for Two dollars an hour…’Its the life that I need” moans Angry into my rotten ears.

If you only get one shot you were mine.Midnight adventures by candlelight.Shit,shit,shit.

I got over myself enough to remember some of the good shit that I left in my choppy wake.I had my photos hidden like a stash for a while there.Now they are back up on the wall.Till they are not I guess…..Some days they are easier to look at than others.

Wonder where Ash and Delux ended up.The mind boggles.I spent the nite curled up on the recliner in the same clothes that Ive been wearing since fuck knows when really….I am gonna boil em up for stock.”Je Rockpig Soup”…Jeanne said to me “You dont believe in “Stuff” do you?” while she fed me the other night. “Well I guess I dont” I drawled wondering if I was lying or not,buying time.”I guess that I dont” I repeated smiling after a beat or two.The realization making me happier than I have been in a while..

Freezing in a phone box with no door at 5 in the morning.I want a ciggerette and a bottle of jack and a hunting rifle.I hate my humanity.Its going off ,it has passed its used by date.I want lower and meaner.I want to see what it will take to really mess up my fucking atoms.Still 15.Walking through the halls of a Calgary high school with Annie.How did I get here.The painful shy sexy sweat hanging in the stale air .A lust laden teenaged mist.Over emoting drama students brittle and loud making me blanch in the face of their enthuisam.I am trying to fade into the brickwork.I roam the halls with my 16 year old friend,her small hand in mine,at the plays half time, feeling like the black hat wearer in a million westerns.Its the same.All over the world.There is one of me,one of you in every town.Nothing really new out there.

Did I mention that everything from the 18th of September onwards for me is a write off? .December can drop to its scabby Capricorn knees and blow me.I lay on my foam slab [very zen] from about 3 this afternoon just kidding myself really.I feel like one of those drones who loose their jobs and keep going through the motions.Get up, scream at the kids, kiss wife ,get in car….go to strip club,weep into a dry martini and tell all your woes to a 36DD stripper called Candy [“Im putting myself through Law School!”] who yawns when you sigh and look down, wondering where it all went so wrong,which is often.

There is nothing that I can do that is gonna be big enough right now.Mike is out in 12 days and I hate him for it tonite.Ross in a kilt frightening all and sundry at Heathrow,off to loving arms in Spain.And me hanging on a rope of ice in a town that grace forgot.Its a test right? I should be looking for clues…taking notes.Lemme guess? This will go down on my permanent record.How do I tell the well meaning people who brush past the yellow tape that I liberated from the caution horses on center street not to bother?.Not to try.Not to do anything.Their kindness makes me feel smaller.Makes me feel dusty in a cruel place.

[“It was a test,I wanted to see if you would call” He blustered at her while she watched the second hand make its way around the clock face in the studio.”Well” she exhaled “Guess that I failed”. Cue wind leaving all sails now.]

This place is poison to Me.Who am I kidding? Most places are.As long as I am there its Chenoybol.My fallout dances to The Ramones in front of its bedroom mirror.My fallout hangs out by the phone for the call that never comes……Sure, I have met some cool people and I keep telling myself that I am here for sound.That this album is all and everything.Mexico is a million light years away.Hollywood in 60 somthing days away, if I am lucky. [“My sister is in a band” She smiled at Lemmy as they lent on the bar.] No one knows how long anything is gonna take and me the doormat to the greater good is stuck here until then.If I am still here on NYE I am gonna fuck up as many people as I can get my hands on.Motherfuckers will be going down faster than catholic school girls…

I am so far from anything that could do me any good.I wavered on the liquid edge of a dream in which I was peeling myself like a flesh onion beating my way back to clean.Back to right.I dont even know what that is.Cant come back baby.This dosnt fit but flying over that bridge without a valid reason would kill me.

[“I dont understand what is so wrong with home dear? Why are you so angry?”]

I am toxic.Not explaining myself.Social interaction that gives Me two left feet.I dont know that dance.I lie there thinking of all the punches the I did not throw.One for you two for me.I get more ’cause I am a glutton and I can take it.Did you know that I have attended your funeral round about a million times now you rat bastard motherfucker?I can see the brass deatils on the casket.Smell the sick unchanged green water in the vases flanking the child molesting preacher who is telling the pack of trash who turned up for the free food at the wake, how to miss you.

Lies.

I was raised in the house of usher.Like carrion they would fall on your shadow the second that you left the room.I spent a decade picking tiny knives out of my back signed sealed and deliverd by my own kin.You would be able to pick them.The family with a yellow streak a mile wide.Oh! But they were SUCH big men With the guns,and the cars and the millitary action.Cheating on their wives.Ignoring their offspring…..blood calls.I had one friend in the convoluted gene pool that I belly flopped into.A cousin,he returned to what he knew.

Like I didnt think that it would happen.I dont think that I wore them out.I was the rank outsider from the get go.I will get around to all of them.I will tell them to their faces.Untill then I will walk the earth, a living revenge.

I think that there should be a trade in.I should be able to trade all the people that I hate for all the people that I have lost.[“Ok, heres My ex and my father and a couple of old Ranch hands…Gimme Eamon,Ash C and Rach? Awww! C’mon! Ok!…..Heres the fucker who did me over when I was a kid!…Damn! you are tough but fair! Good doing buisness with ya buddy.”]

Fair.

I wanna come and lie down next to your grave.Been too long but I remember where they planted you.Can I camp out?Set up a tee-ee over your tombstone?.That would be sweet.Camping in a boneyard.I wonder if anyone else does,remember that is….I know that you are not there.You were hardly here even when you were.Its all to stroke my hatred.I want to see you again for reasons that would make you curl your nose in discust I guess.Using you to fan my overburdened sence of injustice.Using you as a pawn .Thats what they used you for when you were to young to know.I dont lie to you.They killed you.The room spun for days.I sweated booze and morphine.

Left behind.

Its all about going really.You have never seen anyone look as hot as me as I walk away.I have got that down to an art,I file it with my other party tricks,Like tying a knot in a cherry stem with my tounge.Sure,I’ll show ya sometime….

I think that if I ever get rich I am only ever gonna fuck hookers.You dont pay for the sex you pay for them to leave..Shit man! If someone,anyone would pay me to LEAVE for any fucking reason at all? Baby! I would never stop fuckin goin!

When I get some mad cash I am also gonna wrap myself in bubble wrap and throw myself down a flight of stairs.And find the dude who got Johnny Cash’s guitar,pay him double and give it to one of the long running objects of my missguided affections cause I am cool like that…….

A slight asian boy just roller bladed past me.I am the only female that I ever seem to see in here.I have gotta cure myself from looking at what other people are up too.Its like being Bluebeards wife only to be faced with porn rather than the heads of fomer wives inpaled on stakes.He was ratty in a Mr Pink kind of way but not as endearing “What the fuck is he wanting with a full faced leather catwoman mask” I thought as I stumbled with a dead leg to the evil fluro lit shitter.He must of read my mind cause he turned and offered me an oily wink that was in slow motion.I reeled as I shut the door.No wonder I keep puking all the time…..

Enough for now I think.
SF4L
Michele

PS.
Miss Karen? If you have made it this far can you please write me on my private address as my other account is packing up left right and center.