Monday something in November.

You Know that I love ya baby.
-Ash, after 3 days solid drinking at 3am walking home in the snow.

Yeah,Until you dont.
-Me, after too many years sober.

Fuck with me.C’mon,bring it on!
-Face it.

I hold onto Rock’n’Roll even when it,when she, dosnt hold me in return.
She is a stone cold bitch and she has owned my heart ,as black as it is, from day one.
When we are talking? When she wants me the way that I crave her?
Its hardcore aural porn.
Its the rail of coke that never ends.
The bottomless bottle of Jack.
Not only am I in the endless loop of love, I am proud to have her on My tattooed arm, All doe eyes and wet suggestion.I can hardly keep my tounge out of her sugar pink mouth.
She is the one who licks my scars and pushes me on stage.
She is the face that I see.She sits cross legged on Rosses bass cab ’cause “Then I can feel you baby….”
And eye fucks me wet and hungry the whole show.
I do it all for her.
For my mistress Rock and Roll.

Problem is that she is holed up at The MGM Grand in Vegas with my Amex card and not taking my calls right now….but I can win her back….you’ll see……..

I think that being astounded is good.I am good at admiring people.I make a great fan.I guess that I dont have a whole lot of friends cause its not easy to find things,traits in people, that you can admire all that often.You know what I mean right?The ones I have got are keepers.And the 3 that I live with?

I owe them my life.

I cant belive that we are all still here to tell you ther truth.I think that when people,well some, come up against a brotherhood like ours that they get a hearty dose of envy.I dunno why most days seeing that the internal aligences within the 4 of us shift faster than Paris Hiltons fuck puppets, Ouside the loop?They cant understand it so they wanna destroy it.

Let me learn ya some.

Me and these 3 men that you see here?

We have delt with enough bullshit to turn Vegas into the fucking Amazon.Lovers?Husbands?Wives? They will come and go…..I remember everyone who has fucked with Me and mine and you will pay….but for now?

We have got a point to make.The bullshit that we have endured to get this far.The “Metal” labels,fans [Snort!] and bookers that would not look at us because they couldnt shift their peanut brains outside of the square.Keep your narrow minds,heap as much shit on Me as you want.I will take it all.Im good like that.I am like a fuckin rock and roll Timex. I will take a lickin and keep on tickin.You think that I?,That we,have not taken worse than the petty shit that you have delivered?

Turn your back,fuck me over ,rip me off………

I will take it all and I will come back for seconds.

Call us what you like.I creep like disease.Every Sikfuk owns a peice of what we have built.You cant buy them.They see through you for the fakes that you are.We are all lifers.Every town motherfuckers.We are comming for your children,They have been waiting for us.

I have never belived in somthing as much as I belive in what I am doing on the other side of the world sleeping on the floor in Buttfuck- minus -god -knows- what in Canada

You know, I sit there in Miss Suzannes old lazy boy recliner watching hours of spastic cable TV.Numb with longing and depression,not knowing from one day to the next if we are gonna get shafted.Bandages itching under my filthy long sleave,Behind me,swearing at his computer, is Delux,tireless self educated and true.Hammering it out again.When it comes to the fine print I dont know my ass from a hole in the ground.But there he is.In my motley punk assed corner.Telling Me where and when and how.Just like he has done from the get go.He never talks down to me and takes all the time in the world.I need a visa? He is onto it. Ticket? Leather pants?….whatever.He is the one who rolls us when we think that the wheels have fallen off.He holds me up.What ever girl is left in me he lets run wild and dosnt take my self abusing bullshit.One word from him when I am down can sear like acid but never could I have drempt a better Lt to my folly.I still wanna be him when I grow up.

I gotta make it clear,I dont belive a fucking thing that Ash says.I will knock heads with him untill the day that I die.Most days we cant stand each other.Yet, I would give the motherfucker a Kidney if he needed one.He hasnt let me finish a sentence in almost 5 years and has said shit to me that I would have walked all over anyone else for.That is how he gets away with it all.He is like no-one else.Ever.The soul of Phil Spector on crack and candy.The longneck Hero.The other side of the noise that I need like air.

He completes the shitstorm inside me.Hours of building these big soundscapes in where I run barefoot and no one can hurt me.He gives me this.We will never really have anything in common and in the big picture thats cool, but I know that the sum of my life would somehow be a lesser place if I looked to my right in the midst of it all and did not see him there.

Oh Mikey. My open wound. My number one son.The eternal perfect doubter.My spine ,my back bone.My wet blanket.I wouldnt change his misery guts for the world but I would give him peace if it was mine to give.Mikey who teaches me and makes the beat sing back to Me.My drummer on damage patrol who makes me want to be bigger.I would also go back in time and kick the shit out of any of his kin or otherwise who gave him the greif that he still carries.Perfect in my eyes the engine of my hatred on stage always driving me on.Mike who fights like Jake la Motta,who has listened to me shotgun on dark long roads when the rest of the band was passed out in the back of the van for hours.My drummer,the only one I have known who has never laughed at my secrets.

These three men,my brothers,are greater than the sum of anything that I ever dared imagine I would do.

I am sure that we all want to kill each other at least once a day.

So,
You can see why I dont give up.This dynamic would never happen to me again.I can be a bit thick at times but I am not stupid.For what its worth,how it wounds me and heals me, Its got to be the one thing that does not lie to me.The stage does not lie to me,The blood,sweat running like rivers,In the name of the bass,The guitar,the drums,amen. All of it is my only truth.The truth That wants me to go harder that pushes me out of the cell that I lock myself into out of habitual depression.When I was a kid and getting torn apart at school I would say that I had 5 brothers.I wished it so hard that it happened.And now I do.

All of us are going through our own versions of hell.The sort that you cant talk about.We are together almost 24-7.Mikey just spent 30 somthing hours in his room.I dont blame him one bit.You have to be able to fight and get on with it.A lesson that has kicked my grudge keeping butt,thats for sure.This band taught me how to fight like a man,not a bitch.It was a good lesson to learn.

It was fucked at the studio today.I felt like it was all going to drift beyond our control.I went into “The church” and if talking to Elvis and Johnny Cash is praying well that is exactly what my agnostic self was doing.Sat there with a guitar in my fucked up arms and I begged.I made a zillion promises,told all the availble saints that I would get and keep it together just dont leave me broken out here in the sticks.

Red crosses for Marie L in Nola,Voodoo childe slight return,Blood stained novena,Jesus,Mary,Janis and Jimmy M with your lizard flick hips throw me a fuckin line., you name it,I was betting the farm.

Dont take this away from me before I have had a chance to prove myself,to pit myself against myself in the arena that I have craved forever.

Then I went and smashed up some shit.

And gave the last of my change to some crackhead out the front of the Safeway.When your life is turning to shit you get kinky supersticious ,belive me.Being up for the last 48 hours trying to flip my body clock didnt help much either.

All I know is that if we hadnt of met Endre and clicked the way that we did we would have all been on the 1st bird out within a fortnight.No shit.It was dire.None of us are willing to let go of this,whatever it is its a hell of alot bigger than the now five of us ever imagined.

I walked into that studio like I was facing a firing squad.

Ross did warn us that it was gonna be insane.No shit,Its like the shower scene fron Psycho on a 24 hour loop.Endre put his lanky arm around me and said that we will find a way.This dude has put it all on the line for four guys from Australia.[ Yeah? I am one of the boys?You got a problem with that?] And here was me thinking that I was gonna go hard before…They will be scraping my blood off the walls when I get done.

So from room to room I walk,like a tripwire dodger, and gave them each a kiss,[ Ash thought it was Ross,kinda relived and disturbed that it was me,Mike,a shy smile,Ross “Dont Touch Me Michele!” but he took it….] threaded my way through this magic place,with there amazing people who make all my killing words come to life and keep me out of jail.Who give me a fucking reason,the only reason to keep going when I can see none.Out into the snow to you.

You who read and belive.You the un-named endless.

All I can go back to is that we are all dust.Gotta be be bigger you know?

Here is to fearless futures.Here is to you.To us.To my brothers who never read this shit anyway and so will never know how I feel.Maybe that its better that way.Dont want ’em gettin’ soft on Me!

I will just keep hacking and changing the shape that I am in.Dont have a car so I will fuck with myself instead.

The weekend was like Caligula….more on top of what I told you in the last one.The heights of such decadance are exhausting to me tonite and I know that Delux is gonna spill the beans and incriminate the bejesus out of me so I will have some decorum for a change

Ner.

Believe half of what you see and fuck all of what you hear.

It was the Hash that finished everyone off in the end.I sat on the sofa reading ‘High Times”

As always thanx for the letters.Your belief keeps me running.
Oh,
And Hate is my fuel.
SF4L
Michele.