Wednesday somthing blah…dunno?…Nov 10th mebee?

Dont say you want Me,Dont say you need Me,Its understood.
Dont say your happy,Out there without Me cause its no good.
-Depeshe Mode.

The spiderman is having me for dinner tonight.
-The Cure

I am so sure that this would have been alot more lucid a few hours ago. Cause god only knows I was feeling mighty purposeful and hard -assed storming down Center street at about 1 this morning with a fire under my ass and a song in my heart but instead of running right to you I dicked around in the fetid bowels of my hotmail account and answered emails and signed guestbooks.

And here I am.I am all for memory loss at 4 in the morning in this shite netcafe.I should also get into the habit of wiping old mash notes.I am a sucker for self punishment thats for sure.

Weird but y’all can blame my sister for this rave tonite.There I was,the kittens using my lame ass for a scratching post and my peanut brain running the minute mile.I have gold star in “Coulda….shoulda” at the moment.Picture if you will,Moi,in training for the sadistic olympics when I kissed the tattoos on my wrists and muttered somthing about “….send me a fucking sign or a ciggerette….” when Lo! A cloud appeared before me carrying Jenna Jamerson raining Lucky strikes…nah…..I looked up at the digital read out on the clock and in lime green [Think Poison “Look what the cat dragged in”] and Volia! The Time? 1:11

Every time a clock hits all the same numbers Me and the B* claim it.I dunno why! Never said that this was rock and roll mensa buddy!Read on…..

So I did a runner feeling very stealth and some what sexy in spite of,well you know, being Me.And here I am.

The Rev Al Sharpton once said “What do you choose? Convenince or conviction?”

I am going through a real lot of that right now.I am not gonna back down or get out of it here.I just spiral hard.I have a real lotta time on my hands and that is somthing that I have never been real good with.I am a grunt.Put me in the feild and I come to life.I have been stuck in the DMZ with nary a firefight on the wire to get my jaded blood pumping….Yeah yeah I know….poor Me right? I sound like a suck ,granted ,but I am not gonna write if its not warts and all.

Being a lead singer is about as useful as an ashtray on a moterbike 99% of the time….

So I tango with the blade every once in a while.

B* told me that she was proud of me.I felt winged monkeys fly from my butt.

Ok more sonic tales.I holed up for 2 days.I gotta tell you,its real easy not to leave the house…ahhh digressing again….Mikey in in “The church” with Endre and Nate getting the PERFECT drum sound.I have not been down there in a few days cause I tend to get in the way and its all serious as cancer now.This is what we bet the farm on.22′ inch bass drum that I sure John Bohnam is smiling down on from where ever he is.The room is pretty boomy when we are jamming as you can imagine but miked? Load loser for sure.Hot Damn.

Being as we tune so low and that I have been around my boys to learn a thing or two this time,I am really keen to see how they pull the bass and guitar parts cleaner so to speak.I cant fully convey how BIG it all sounds.

So I guess that I will be roped in sonner or later….

Passed out on the floor on my room,Head exploding trying to get all the names for these tunes in place ,when Miss Sue storms in with a six string for old iron sides here.So very kind.I am sure that the rest of the band will be cursing her sooner than later.

I really gotta pull my head in.I am like some kind of fat narpolic mess.I just crash most shamelessly anywhere.Like that drunk that you always step over to get to that bathroom at the party ? Thats Me.

Big Mike told Me while I was zoned out in front of the idiot box at Dylan and Nikkis tonight that his life took and upward swing when we rolled into town.Just when I think that I cant be shocked someone tell me somthing nice and it fair takes the wind out of my sails.

Let it be known that I belive everyone here to be on Lithium or acid as NO one is this nice.

How down am I at the moment???….Read on……

I did not go and see Vince Neil on comp tix [No less!] tonite at Cowboys [Thanx anyway AJ] So that may give you some idea of how far I am gone out on the perimiter here.

It’ll serve or slay me,Y’all know the deal.

Love letters suck.SUCK! except when ya 1st get em….I am gonna abort this before it gets stupid and at 5 in the morning its bound to get dumber than dog shit.

I know that alot of y’all who read my shit write yourselves.Now,I gotta ask you cause I have always wondered if it was just Me ,but do you always write the endings? In life and on paper?

I am a feroicious coward at the moment when it comes to human relations and I tend to put it down to being the eternal epitaph writer.That and not having recovery time.Nah,Not having the inclination to get burned [ Again…yawn. ] and or my ass kicked.

My long suffering sister has sat through many a night of me talking about how the best relationships of my life….NEVER HAPPENED….Thats right campers.They never made it to the starting gate and they RULED…Why? Cause I am a writer thats why!.I always looked great,they always said the right thing,the sex was out of the ballpark with no wet noises or clashing teeth…..I mean,work with me here….

Ok…Lemme learn you one.Back in the hazy days of my excellently misspent youth I ran a nightclub that shall remain….fuck it…. “Rogues” on Oxford street.Spastically underaged I bluffed my way into running some of the biggest nights it had at that point.Oh yeah,and I fell in love.

The only reason that I have thrown y’all this juciy tit-bit of my sordid life is because I still view it as…TA-da! The big fuckin’ Kahona.It was perfect.Every inner city rock Queen should have one of these tasty buggers on her romantic resume. A Pale,tall,underfed,english,suitwearing Coke head.I mean???Hog heaven much?.

And why do I rate it so even though the poor bugger is now cooling his heels on Her Majestys request [read;Jail] ????

BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED.

Therefore it was perfect.

Although at the ARIA afterparty a scant few years ago I felt my spinal fluid drop and lo and behold there, all sweaty and coke bloated in my myopic eyeline, he was…..he gave me THAT look and told Me that he always knew that “You was gonna take over the world babe”.[ sigh…damnit!] Deni swanned by and winked at me and although I wanted to act like an up myself wanker I regressed to a stammering 16 year old and bleated “Why didnt you want me?” before promptly staggering off and hiding behind a couch.

The end.

I have no idea why I am sharing all of this dreck with you this butt freezing morning.Trying to learn about myself? Fwa.I think I am pnone to “Diconceted” evenings….You know when you go through all the names that make up a life.You wonder if anyone is out there.Faces get blury and memories cast long shadows.You find yourself thinking about the People that just up and lost themselves in the time line that is your life….well,I have had a bit of that action going on and in leiu of trying and the loss that can accompany such bolshie fuckstick romantic folly I write here.To you and to myself.

And who knows…I may just end up getting some sleep out of it sooner or later.

Ash cooked the other nite.I am hoping for leftovers as I got kidnapped by a blonde rastafarian.Long story.

I am sure that the dude nodding off behind the counter is wihing that I would just fuck off.Back into my files I will dive and with and iron will and great resolve I shall kiss it all goodbye.Not in the mood to be a pack mule for heart breaking lies.Syonara motherfuckers.Ciao Miow.

If you took the word “Motherfucker” from me I would be a conversational cripple.

Holy shit! Its 6 in the morning.

This has gotta be the biggest load of dreck ever.

Thanx for putting up with it and me.Your letters lifelines……

And Miss S? The GnR quote saved my rotten ass.Thank you.

SF4L
Michele