Hate.

Corpse is breaking down.Corpse hates me.

Today I hate Corpse too. We are having a Mexican stand off.

Maybe there is an art that I have not yet mastered that informs you how to deal with endless grief and loss. I still see you in my dreams and it is there that we are perfect. This is not real. I feel that I am much of the same.

I hate this.This endless fucking loss.

I hate my body as much as you once claimed to love it. I dream of cutting my extremities off. Peeling this foul animal that I am.

Pure white lightning hatred of the self. I should sell tickets and barf-bags. Limited season! Be sure to book early!!

( I hope she is,or should I say,that they are as fine as paint motherfucker. Hope she can take it as good as I did. We both know that ain’t never gonna happen.You must have all but erased me by now huh? Lined up all your new little fuck-holes? You never would have stayed true to me,I don’t know what the hell I was thinking…. I should get some kind of “Dumb ass of the century” trophy huh? ……Oh,but when I believed in the little boy buried beneath your bullshit. Mama knew just what you needed,didn’t I?  Hmmm?  I gave myself up to focus on nothing but you baby. Never-e-fuckin’-nuff for you, my baby boy……)

Hate.Regret.More hate. More hours. Days. Mostly of myself. Let’s bring it in to 99.9 percent.Let’s round that son-of-a-bitch off.

Jarred my knee the other day,been tiptoeing round like a frightened fool ever since.Just do weights and no road work and it’s driving me insane. Had all this time on my hands so I have been sleeping and having fucked up dreams or writing oodles of sub par dreck. I starve my body of sleep and now that I can’t run away,literally, its taking me under. I have all these things I wanna say but….

What is the point? Time forgets you and moves on. My annihilation of everyone outside of myself is almost complete. I don’t talk on the phone cause a friendly voice can undo days of resolve in the aloofness that I seem to think will save me.

Save me for what?

When I said forever I meant it.This is my lot now. Sweat and self hatred weave and conspire themselves into my widows weeds.

I have been dreaming of the beauty that I once knew and shared. The lack when I wake up is tangible. So I press weights.Answer a few emails and kill my computer before temptation to dig up my buried past gets the better of me.

One of my only friends asked me to write to her,to tell her of my trials and tribulations. She has a kind and true heart. How can I explain that I am the walking dead.That I keep just enough social graces on the end of a short chain to keep me from being incarcerated. That it is easier for me to write here where no one is really looking that tell someone who still cares and then fall apart.

And that is what I do.That is what will happen.I will come undone in the face of kindness.I am hospital food and sensible shoes emotionally at this point because the feather boas and rhinestones studding my dreams got my heart all broke up and my pretty little ass kicked.

So back to bland and blackout.Back to dental work and a jaw that feels like its done 7 rounds with Mike Tyson.I can taste the anesthetic for hours.Tomorrow I have an extraction to look forward to. Joy. I’mfinally fixing myself. For what? What is the point of getting my corpse right? Outside of my obsessive need for control?…..

I have no idea.

I doubt that I will ever be ready for my close up.

I miss myself when I was great and by his side.For the start of what I thought was going to be the rest of my life. Nothing holds that much friction or allure.

I doubt that it will again.

I love the kind hearted, bless them, who inform me that I will move on and love again,that time heals. All that shit that you would read in a fortune cookie or a tabloid horoscope.Time shows me nothing.Time tells me of lack and a graceless state. These are people who don’t really know what I am capable of when I set my mind to something. They mean well.

I don’t. I just don’t happen to care anymore.

(Oh! I hope that you are happy and that she is hot and tight.I hope you see my face when ever you close those pale blue 1000 mile eyes and stick it into whatever ass has presented itself to you tonight and all nights. The Hollywood hustle that serves them up,a smorgasbord of smut just for you . To me? You were irreplaceable. To you? I was a receptacle with an accent. I was a fucking fool and I will hate myself for it until the day I die.I throw up when I think about you touching someone else…..all of this till the day I fucking die.)

Which will not come soon enough.

Tell you what killed me? Seeing my baby brother getting married a few months ago. I was so happy for him and his girl, don’t get me wrong.I even got off my fat ass and made a speech. What killed me was not having the one that I had given my heart to next to me. That it should have been us. That I meant it and he didn’t? 

I used to sleep with my engagement ring pressed up to my lips.

How do you recover?

Allow me to tell you how.

If you are me and lucky for you ,you are not,you don’t.

Got that? You don’t.

You tell everyone you are fine so they don’t lift the edge of the scab to check for themselves. You do your little dog and pony show so that they leave you the hell alone and then you go back. You go way back to the delicious beginning when on your first real date he slept the whole time and you watched him,watched over him. When he would talk in that voice to your little burrito of  a pug  puppy and it would melt you. When for the 1st and only time in your life you thought that you could have a child….

The depth is fathomless.

That’s where you go. You do not thrive there by any means but still it belongs to you. The one time in your life that you loved.The one and only time that you trusted. And lookie where that got your dumb ass.

You stupid bitch.

Hate.