Unforgettable.

I used to love the looks on the faces in the front row.How they would strain to get away from Me. I think the thing that tickles me the most is the hate .Love the hate . Why?

Because they could never hate me as much as I hate myself.

Amen.

So now I sit here like a broken magic 8 ball.No answers,just questions…..

What would be the reason? The purpose?

Prey tell because darlin’  Tonight ,I am all ears.

I spoke with an old friend tonight.One who really tried to pull me out of the black whole that consumes like some kind of misery fueled cancer by the day. I combat its rapid advance with running and over training. I have to be exhausted. Leaves less time for my thoughts to get the better of me.

So,one of my oldest and only friends who I attempt to keep at an arms distance just like I do with everybody these days. He asks me how I am doin’.

Crickets and tumbleweeds.

I know that he wants me to be well. To be the ornery old ass kicker that he knew. I sense frustration in the few that I know cause I am still broke up .I am still a mess. I don’t leave the house less I have too. I ain’t the life of the party no more….

He told me that he ran into someone who stopped him on the street.Said he had seen us play once,said that I was “Unforgettable.” Dig that huh? Unforgettable.

Well.

That and 5 bucks will get you a coffee.

I want to forget myself.

I don’t think that I will ever relax again as long as I live because a s far as I can tell people just live to fuck with you.To take back what they have bestowed. I must have a hot price on my head because I think that people are,at this point in the hunt,competing to kill me.

Or make me kill myself.

Remember what Kurt said kids “Just because your paranoid,don’t mean their not after you”

Bitter? I guess.In a way.

Back to my friend.

I tell him that I don’t know what the point is and I hear him sigh. This is why I cant talk anymore because in actuality no one wants to hear it.They are wondering why I am not “better” yet. Why I didn’t dust myself off and yee-ha into the sunset like I always do. They cant quite fathom that I am finally broken,band-less and bereft of love. That if  love is offered I run like Jesse Owens.

We say goodbye and hang up. I lie on my bed and keep the vigil. There is nothing out there but a bitch wind and a cranky moon.

I don’t want to know anymore….

Because I know its a lie. Love is a lie.I know it will leave. It left me on the day I was born and has not stopped going ever since. I wanted it so bad too. That’s what kills me. I thought that I had met the one who could deal with my darkness and my huge life. So I put every motherfucking egg I could find into one basket.

It was so hard for me to believe and to trust that I was loved. I was convenient I guess? I don’t know what the fuck I was.

I’m throwing out 5 things a day. I am tiring more and more by the day.Trying to relieve myself of my life. To be clean and fast. My knee is grief incarnate still and the dentist hit the nerve in my jaw today with his slap happy anesthetic ministrations. I crawled into bed fully dressed and proceeded to pass out from the pain. I try so hard to keep it together.

So move on and away from here. I have got no explanations left to give. I have nothing but a shitty guitar and a heap of second hand clothes.

Kids writing to me.Its sweet. They are too late though. Whatever I was then is long gone. They ask me about songs, for advice.I tell ’em that I am great at being right,just ask me. I can help everyone but myself but aint that always the way?

Physican heal thyself and so on?

I will go to my grave wondering why all the love that I had stored up was not good enough.

Ment to be going out tommrow. It wont happen. I think that I agree to shit just so people don’t ask me. I should be doing more with my time than writing crap but its like throwing up.You don’t want to but after you do you feel born again.I have read every book I own and was not smart enough to raid my brothers collection before he high-tailed it to Japan. I work on my writing.The shit that is not up here. I like the people in my stories. They are as tough as I once was. Before the fall ,so to speak.

I think that I am gonna take a break for a while.

Break for the broken