It is easier to stay out than get out.

-Mark Twain.

Men must live and create.Live to the point of tears.
-Albert Camus [1962]

Fire dreams that liberate me.Fire the great leveler that does all the dirty work.Gets rid of my warped humanity.Wake up smelling like rotten leaves and ash in the cold darkness.Itching with fear.I wait for the sun to come up and tell myself that I am rested.

Padded by disorder and a dirty tired ache that knows me by name I tell my corpse that it will have to feed off its stockpiles cause I cant be bothered eating right now.Corrine and Jules give me some where to run and chai tea.

Miss Shelia, I know that I swore on a pinky promise to you,drunk and swaying on one of our last nights together that I would not cut my ears off but the pain is becomming so bad that I went and bought a scalpel.I cant sleep on my sides.Feel like comming back to Australia and buttfucking all the Drs that blew me of with a stainless steel chopstick.cunts.I have sat,weeping with pain in front of the mirror.I started on one and the pain was so great that I almost passed out.I will keep on ignoring it.Or courting it.

Miss S? I ask in advance for your forgivness.

I count on the little sleep that I can get to move me away from the grind of “Hurry up and wait” that takes up all my daylight.I walked into Ashleys studio yesterday.I had been doing my very best Taxi driver impersonation through the snow and I just ended up at his door.He smiled at me and got back to work. I camped on the floor for hours.No words exchanged.I snuck off to call my sisters shit phone that always comes up as engaged.Felt like crying but couldnt make the grade when Delux skulkes by my cubicle door looking kinda sheepish.We smiled.

The tin can that we call home has no heat at the moment.As I lie there in the bunk that is at least half a foot too short for me covered in borrowed blankets and atleast half my wardrobe, I recall all the letters that I have sent out .All the times that I have told myself and others ‘What are you prepared to do to get what you want?’ that is what keeps me going because there is nothing that I would not do.

I hate children.I got stuck baby sitting the other night.I will need years of therapy for this.One of them is crying at my feet as I write.All the parental units that I have encounted on this recon are all seemingly retarded by riguers of reproduction.They complain that they have no life and then when they get a day away all they do is talk about the kids.It is the thing that I WOULD wish on my worst enemies.

Had a charming coffee with Miss Annie at Blends yesterday before I enbarked on my “Damaged loaner meandering throuh show cursing god” mission.She is quite astounding.All of 16 and the smartest person I have run across in a while.Much better than baby talk and stale pee.I have just plugged back into music to save me from going postal.Mike and Delux have taken the bus out in the snow and black ice to dump the tanks and get gas.You truly work out the meaning of desperate when you cant pee on your bus at 2;41am and its minus 15 and snowing outside.I find myself shaking my fist at the skies quite alot.

Back to baby sitting.To any of you who know me …would you even trust me with your loin-loss for starters?…It was harrowing.Oh yeah…Babies dont like Machine Head.Well this one didnt.

I think that I have a hankering for a job that involves spitting ,ass cracks and a tool belt.Did some work on a event site the other day and with a ratchet? I am a god.Queen with a spanner.A greese monkey goddess….Sorry if I am getting carried away.Mikey was uninpressed with the forklift action.Its all for the greater good.I am donating my pay to our legal team as is the rest of the band.We are still in pre-pro right now and the real slog starts in about 10 days…

Which would go hand in hand with us moving out of our bus.I have been lucky enough to score sofasurfing points an a few houses that are thankfully free of offspring.I can hack a few weeks at Dylans as long as his lesbian kittens stop shagging each other in my dreads while I am passed out.Miss Suzanne has also extended a room to my bad self and an chance to play with fire.Miss S makes glass beads and the like.She bestowed an awsome broken heart necklace that I adore apon me for my always insufferable birthday.She is a pyromanic who is impressed my my trumped up arson charges.

Well met says I.

Looks like the B* is off to Japan.I am still hoping against all hope for a Xmas in La.Today I dont really give a fuck and as welcome as that might be it is also a dangerous state of little or no grace to find ones self in.Always an ugly thing trying to rope ones self in again.Got lonesome for the south the other nite at Mikes birthday party.I was telling someone the story that sums up what NOLA means to me.I was told once not to think of New Orleans as the most dangerous place in the US but the 4th safest in the carribean.Ya gotta love that.

Tell Me LA Sikfuks?
Did you find your own way here or was it via my sister.How is not important in the long run the fact is that you made it here.

Coffee shop shuts in an hour.I am gonna rug up and get the fuck out of here for a while.