Rot.

 

It’s never going to end is it?  Shit like this never does for people like me.

That’s fresh. I don’t know anyone like me and if I did they wouldn’t be real high on my “To do” list. I would avoid them like the plague.It’s agony.I think that I should cut my phone off. It’s just a few who have my number but I stutter like a fucktard when they call and ask me questions that any sane person would have the answer to.

“How ya doin’?”  they say sunnily.

“Fucked” I reply.

This does not lead to great conversations. And now my Dr’s are throwing their hands up. Magic. I’m not improving despite valiant efforts on their behalf and mine. How do you cure greif ?.This question keeps me up many a night. They are now rumbling about medication. Fuck off.

Its the bottom of the 9th for me.

Came home from my appointments feeling like I had been broken,saddled and  ridden into a wall. Curled up on the floor and slept for a few hours which means that I will be up all night pissing and moaning to myself. Joy.

I just cry and keen like a wounded animal.I remember the beginning.The holy start that defined my heart.When he asked my mother for my hand in marriage. All the forever moments that I die by. It’s all picked daily and market fresh. It never goes away. How do you love someone who does not want to be loved and who wants to destroy you when they are done hurting themselves?

How dammit? Fucking tell me how to live through this.

Have you ever noticed that the ones who destroy you just keep going? That they get off scott free? Can someone tell me how that fucking works? I have incandescent moments of rage that I turn inward. You told me that my love was not real because I did not  hate you. Oh Darlin’ I never could hate you….

(Guess that you are filling her cock-struck peanut brain full of fake horror stories about me just like you did to me in the beginning about your ex’s. Its never your fault is it baby-boy? Funny how so many don’t get back to me now after you have dripped your poision into their ears.But all the ones that I thought were my friends,that I gift wrapped and handed over to you still have your number on speed dial. Funny how that works. She’s just another hole. Picture me when you come. Dog.)

Glass veins full of mercury laced sand. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.

I miss your kiss. The open-mouthed silver tongued dance our mouths would do. I would keep my eyes open. To drink in as much of you as I could.Did I know,somewhere deep inside, that one day you would take yourself from me in ways that I could not follow? Is that why I stay up all night tending my ghosts? Re-reading letters from what could almost be 2 different men, trapped at war forever in the body that that I loved and swore that I  would be buried beside. The you who loved me and the you that hated yourself.

Oh baby.

The weight of loss cripples me. The love lost. I miss our bed full of blue eyes and the forever you decided to derail.I will never have any answers. I will die unknowing and unknown by you ever again.

So I pretend to live.

Saw my name on the poster for the next show I’m doing. Reminded me of when I was something. I really don’t know why I am doing it. Just to prove that although the one I trusted killed my self esteem,my heart, my confidence and hope of ever having any hope again that he didn’t kill my voice?  He used to say that he loved it, me singing. Fans would be nice to me and I would be accused of fucking them. No wonder I have totally shut down.

Its an opening spot so 20 sick inducing minutes should do it. Covering Roky hurts though but my voice is real there. The other shit is mine and its fucking harrowing. It’s so ugly.It warms my heart that people want to see me play. Or feel sorry for me so they put me on the bill.

Hard-ons are playing tonite. So is Summous. All my mates getting on with their lives. Bless ’em. They are all so talented. I send messages saying sorry for my  eternal absence after sweet invitations have been extended to me. I never show up and when I do I run away. There’s just no point.

Sat on the stage at The Melvin’s,my dead grandmothers ropes of crystal beads and pearls dripping into the hidden shadows from my neck, swallowed by the lace of my Edwardian blouse. The mosh populated by the fast greying remnants of generation X.I let it wash over me and bailed 3 songs into Primus. I looked out into the crowd and it twisted my tender insides. I have to go.To leave. One friend tells me not to put myself down,she says to work out who I am ,rebuild and storm the castle. I use to think like that. On a good day I still do.

Good days are hens teeth and rockinghorse shit. Beyond rare.

But as Miss K calls it ,the “Black dog” has its decaying teeth sunk in my sad ass to the gums right now.And it ain’t gonna let go.

I see the bones shift in my face.I’m shutting down.Fuse by fuse burning out.

We all rot. I hide myself in solitude.In words because I can’t talk. I deflect any kindness. I wear people out with my silence until they give up. (You showed me how worthless I am and for that I thank you.) I need everyone to give up. It will be the only thing that saves me. Kindness gets me to thinking about making out with a Remington,tonguing the barrel like I once kissed you.Bitten fingers carressing the oily black trigger. Of the train tracks,the mournful whistle blowing,the spine shattering conclusion.

I am so fucking tired tonite. I don’t need fucking Dr’s bargaining with me. I had what I thought I needed and it wanted me dead.I now trust my judgement and dead heart on nothing.Love tried to assassinate me.I should have stayed distant and flippant and mean. Never let my heart get touched.

But baby,I had waited so long,so so long and you said I was the most beautiful woman you had ever had and we burned in Hollywood and fucked till we passed put and you woke me with roses and starbucks,whispered into my ear…..

“I am gonna marry you”

And I believed you.

And now?

And I die.And I die.And I die.