Perhaps even one’s feelings get tired when one is alone with one’s self.

– Ugo Betti- 1946.

-Lt! You ok?
-Fine.
-Its just that…umm….
-Whats on your mind boy?
-You look tired Sir.
-You got a hole in one with that Pvt.Now get back in that foxhole ,keep your head down and stop
asking stupid goddamn questions.
-Sir,Yes Sir.

[You woulda been here with me seeing this cause god only knows,you saw something in me before I managed to see it in myself…I cant see you as a grown up but then again I havent managed to see myself as one yet either….]

-Heavy ghost action on the perimeter tonight Lt….

This is an incomming that I really dont need……Stiff shit right?

I know that there would be fuck- all point in going to bed cause all I am gonna do is lie there covered in a fine sweat staring at the ceiling, turning the light on and off so many times that the roaches will start snorting amyil nitrate, wearing spandex and doing the hustle….I dont really know where to start with what is on my mind at any given point when I sit down to write this shit.It keeps me outta trouble to a warped degree.Keeps me form walking round the dirty streets scoping for potential snipers nests.All I know is that I dont think that there is much that I would not give to be able to sleep a whole night through.

Tell you who is keeping Me awake and crazy burning in my fucked up flesh? Its the ones that go and leave you behind to guard their memories.Not just talking about dying.People just fade.I am keeping company with a Shey Stadium of memories tonite.A triple live at the fucking Budokan crowd…The one gift is that they are just the way you remember them…No one gets old or sick and you can kick back on the porch in the house jerry-built in your busted up scar ridden non- denominational heart and laugh your rotten asses off.Lets just say that there is a reunion in my memory tonite .The beers are cold and the living is easy.

[I know now that you didnt want to be saved…That doesnt make me feel any better..]

3am is when your hurts hurt.I feel like I am out on the point.That I have to keep some kind of watch while the rest of the world sleeps.I shit you not..it has always been this way..What am I watching for? I dont know but I hope to hell that I know what it is when I see it.All I know is that I have been waiting on it to arrive my whole life….Fuck the “Burning it at both ends” Theory.I napalmed my candle.All over this silicon titted bitch of a city a million freaks and fuckups are doing the same watch as Me tonight….She is cruel and never returns your calls,this place. Hot and she knows it;does Sydney….Fucks you and forgets your name.You gotta be a sadist to do the roach shuffle in the harbour city darlin’ ……..

I have got half finished shit lying round all over the house.Sway like a willow in the flight path and try to leave myself alone for as long as I can every day.Silence is golden….

-If I close my eyes I dont exist, and the glory comes in never being missed….

-Mission statement-
M.Madden 03′ [New song.]

I woke myself up today calling room service asking them to come and get the lawn furniture out of the pool in my penthouse.Yes,room 413…where I was staying With Axl Rose and the fat kid from the Goonies. I know. I need help. It then turned into a sushi bar in my 5th grade classroom. I hate hearing about other peoples dreams unless I am in them so I am gonna shut up now.

I wonder why people ask for my advice.I tell them not to….I am a AWOL fuck up of the 1st degree.Everything the hardline…Ah! My New York brother…I hope to hell that you know what you are doing and I understand why you feel that you have to give it, give her a second chance. Me? You know where I stand on that….That iS why you asked right?…good luck man….

Oh yeah! Right! Like I am so tough! Just stubborn as all fuck…I break myself before anyone else even gets a look in. No one could do it as good as me anyway….

Downstairs for the 1st bucket of tea for the day and that longing for a Marlboro that I think is gonna haunt me forever. Mike behind the kit in the lounge..rolling…effortless…I smile and fall over the chair in the door way.Suave eh? Our house has a heartbeat that lulls me.I groove on living with The coolest drummer in the world [ TM ] like nothing else. Hola! But I LEARN shit too! I can now nail “Too fast for love” [really badly but what the hey!] By Motley Crue. Sweet! Oh yeah…you know the 3rd round in the chorus of “No one knows” By QOTSA? When Dave really cuts sick? Well I am now armed with the knowledge that that is called a “Swiss triplet”.When Mikey 1st told me this in the van on the way to Brisbane I was drooling! I was swept away in the stellar vision of 3 blond nympomanics in a hot tub….mmmmmmmm…….

-“Get It!!! Like, 3 chicks and…” -me
-“Yeah Mish…I get it” -Mikey.

He sighs and on we roll….
Like a newborn spat out of our kitchen into the un- friendly sun,to the backyard and the saddest attempt at clothes dyeing ever seen….quel sigh!…….

On my journey into, what I belive to be freedom from the bondage of a heap of shit clothes that I do nothing but swear at,kick into the hallway for Mikey to climb over or fall asleep under.That or in a pique of rare and bullshit sentiment,I decide that I cant chuck out cause they are sodden in memory. It is every womans DNA. We head hunt your clothes..I still have a sweater from my now frequently mentioned 1st boyfriend.[ Hey Mike!]…We cant take scalps without getting arrested so in leiu of your locks? Your jagermister t-shirt will do JUST fine….where was I?…

Ok so I rounded up a heap of almosts…you know,like… “This hoodie would ALMOST be do-able if it wasnt the color of baby shit”…I got a choke hold on my inner Tonia Toddman and dumped a shitload of black dye into my faithful off white goods and waited for the magic to happen..All my clothes all black…zen…O-ren ishi…Huh??.Ok.fuckin’ great! so now I look like an escapee of a Star trek/Matrix/Alien style prison ship.Kind of a gnarley grey action…I look like I would be in the weightlifing scene in a b- grade “dykes in the slammer” flick.I dont think that this is a totally bad thing…

Like Homer J Simpson says, if at 1st you fail? Well it was a bad idea So,I left the washing machine looking like two sqiuds had fist fucked themselves to an inky demise.Armed with this sage advise I went and buried myself on the sofa and spent the afternoon reading Dan Simmons books,listening to old soundtracks , “Monkey grip” by The Divinyls being a stand out, eating Lychees and burping gently…..The outside world? The outside world can fuck off.

At 7:30 I did a call thru interview with Keiren up in Newcastle.I am always kind of relieved when it is not live to air as I cant NOT swear…I always hope for good questions and the boys came through.I have never talked pets to deli trays before! Look foward to getting back up there in the New Year.

The Saints got hammered again.[ “The NOLA ‘aints”…sigh….] I love my team but it is a painful kinda love..feels like bad gas pains,I always wanna slap em’ round like a red-headed step child.When it gets to this point in the season all I want is to be propping up the bar at Daisy Maes in Tucson with Gooch,Gil and all the rest of the crew.Why the fuck am I writing about football??? I am missing my far flung crew thats why..It is late and it is moods like this that have me ending up with BRUTAL phone bills….I think that I was born with an Indian bone.My feet are always itching to get gone.I am never gonna belong or stop so I may as well keep going.I am cronic- sonic- bum.

The sun is gonna be up real soon….

Fuck it! You know what? I am gonna go and tango with my ghosts under busted fairylights and a full moon to the coolest juke box in the world…Kicking up dust and ciggerette butts in lazy 12 bar blue circles holding on so tight…..I am gonna laugh with my gone ones till I cry.Hold em’ in my rare sleep and be thankful that they still drop by on my onery old ass.We will charge our glasses.Here we will live forever……

– So of my stupid sincere youth
The exquisite failure uncouth
Discovers a trembling and smooth
Unstrength,against the strong
Silences of your song.
-e.e.cummings.
[ Goodnight Eamon….]

I will catch you all at the Annandale tommrow night.
One hell of a fuckin’ ride ain’t it?
My advice?
Hold on tight.
Drop fire.
Michele.

All in all I think that i am doin’ OK.So thanx to all the sikfuks who write me and ask but I think that it is wize not too think about HOW you are doin’ and just do.Some days i think if I stop I wont go again but i know that i dodnt have dibs on that feeling…

After all the songs that Me and Ash have beening going through we have finally come up with the 1st unholy trinity.The boys are gonna be nailing them while I am away at bootcamp.I still havent totally unpacked being ,in genral,bone fucking idle.So, there are notebooks that are trapped under decades worth of shit.