Tonight is endless and taking its toll on me in ways that are too painful to document.

I don’t have the skill or the dialogue at this point.I doubt that I ever will.

My stomach is churning.For days. I wake up weeping. I’m holding my breath and I hate that my life turned out like this. Feeling this way is like gargling napalm.Tap dancing on broken glass. I want to do some damage to myself but I know that I would not be able to stop. He just kept going….Fair is a theory.It does not apply to me and what has happened to my life.

( i was meant to be …… )

Take it.Take it all.Take my friends.A new girl on the side of the stage.Use them for whatever you like.Everyone I know will be panting at his feet tonight.Because he always gets what he want.Destroy everything that doesn’t bow to you. I hope that you see me in every shadow just like I do with you. Roll’s on and over everyone.Treat’s them like dirt and watches them take it and come back to him. When he broke my heart he should have thought about what he was doing.But it don’t matter anymore,only matters to me.

(the same animal…remember…? )

Everyone will be there but me.I left.I am the one who left but that was because he gave up on me.

I will not be there.I was worth more. Its killing me not to see him. That he is breathing the same air as me,in the same place.Everything in me wants to be there,making sure he is ok,Crazy.I still worry about him……

(when i gave myself i did so to the death.serious as were my full stop.i was another pause on your did not want did not want us.not at the end……)

I am such a dumb-ass. There is an alternative reality that I exist in.The one where my love and I live in my country.Happy and content. Where everything worked out. Just like he said he wanted it to.Lied…..

That other reality? That is where I am going to be tonight.

Tonight wants me dead.Wants me in pieces. I am so tired.

I am going to sit on the porch and play my guitar before it gets too cold.My roof is falling in panel by panel.Just like my life.Start jamming in two weeks for new shows so I want to have everything ready to go.I have not worked with anyone in so long that my nerves are shot. I know that my shit is a hard listen but you can only write what you know.Its even harder to play without crying.I have cried at every fucking show.

My lyrics look like cheese on paper but sung? They have wings.

( we never got to write.i thought that we would have made a great album together.a great life together.just another thing that makes me so sad…..)

If I was to die tonight / Close my eyes and not wake up

Know that you were my feast / That your presence filled my cup

That the idea of you melted on my tongue / And that I never for a moment doubted

That you were the one.

That I was afraid to let you see / that you would always be able to claim the best of me

Didn’t want to get hurt

Oh well……..

But it was you.

And still it remains.



Forever and always.

I never for a moment doubted that you are the one.