Its mercy, compassion and forgivness that I lack not rationality.

-Beatrix Kiddo.

I want a little bubble to burst in my brain and take me while we are playing.I drempt that is what happened.If you look up “Fucked up dreams” In the dictionary there is a photo of me looking bruised and suitably morose.
Note to self; Stop re-reading old journals that have lists in them….oh man?!……

Delux tells Me that we are to do another filmclip before we bail.I hope that Matt&Matt are on hand. I need their magic. Getting Me ready to go before the camera is somewhat akin to polishing a turd.

I wonder what song it is for now that there is a live clip for “Damage” I am guessing at “Small Enemy” I would dig doing “Faust”. I know that we are jamming this weekend and I am hanging for it.I need it.We all end up in a tiny room and I get so fucked up on pure intent that I wont let anyone leave.I am the last kid at the party.The ritlin kid that your parents made you invite ’cause the rest of the class was comming and you couldnt leave one kid out……remember? You didnt want to sit next to me on the bus and you were mad pissed at your parents for doing this to you on your birthday…after all,you only turn 6 once…..My Poor band.

I hope that I get them there.

The endorphins rush me as my brain cracks. We all pay and pay baby,we pay in kind, we pay with lifetimes and it is not as if I ever thought that it would change.
My credit is shot and I feel hunted and the sadistic part about it ? The De Sade part?Well that is that I am not running.
How can you take somthing that is not there?.

Kurtz is dead.My inner fanboy is crying like a bitch and I am gonna watch my holy Apoclypse Now until I cant see.Or the heads blow out on the VCR.Or B* hits me…..

Maybe my new job can be the caretaking of his island? I would be good at that.

Delux is redoing the site which means that you are gonna cop a flood of my “I cant sleep….” bullshit and all that it intales….

B* Just jammed “Edward scissorhands ” in the VCR.I am tired and the sun is comming up.

Everyone is weirding me the fuck out on a day to day level and I keep thinking that I write all this because it is the last hook that keeps me tethered here.

Kid myself that the world is reading and admit to it. Know that I am a self marginlized asshole and admit to that as well.Proving? Sweet fuck all really.

Am I down?
Nah.I am forever lingering by the docks of shit creek sans paddle in one way or another.Just like you really.
That fragile state.That seemingly effortless sphere.
Then she sang a song.
then she wrote a thing.
then she died.
the end.

Fog rolling in. Cant see for shit.My heart going so fast. Waiting to be struck.
Knowing that I will strike back.

Ducking and weaving like Ali.
A cure for all that ails you.

See you at the next show.
For you ,for me, because of us and to spite the fucking world.