I dont want to sail on this ship of fools.

-World party.Somthing takes a hold of me….

I imagine everyone survives.

Home alone.Cool.Well,Kinda.The B* has passed out so I am singing along with AC/DC inbetween sewing crap on my shorts so they will last another year [I hate shopping with a passion that is all consuming] and playing my fave guitar [Thanx Wonjo!] in front of the idiot box.Oh yeah,and writing this. I am obsessed with Lenoard Cohen’s song “Everybody knows” at the moment.It is the song de jour, and I am driving B* Round the bend with it. [“Al-RIGHT !!!So everybody fucking knows!!! I get it!!!!] It is that Dm that makes me come all undone. I am an utterly shitful guitarist so when I learn somthing I tend to play it all the time ’cause I think I am so bloody clever!

And mock as some do…[heh! I will not name you here! snigger!]…It is still how I write most of our stuff. My music goes the way of the dodo but I dont mind cause the lads write better tunes than me.But thats where it starts,Dirty living room floor and a headache.

Thats how it feels to me anyway. Writing about that person who does not know I exist again at the moment.Big hurtful goodbyes and tears that just dont wanna shift from behind blind dry eyes.

Words that scorch as they leave my mouth.Words that never get easier or less caustic with time.Lye words.Acid words.Poison words.
Sounds that need sedation.Noises that dont get invited inside.Riffs that pull you from a sound sleep sweating.

I am fucked on levels that I cant even begin to get my addled head around at the moment.At least I am holding my ground and fully aware of what ails me.I will spend a lifetime trying to kill My very own heart.What there is of it.
Or its gonna kill me.

“Love Kills”
-Alex Cox

3 more shows and then we are out.Looking foward to playing out Manly again.Been a while.

I am all fried out tonight.So much going on.Got some A-1 mail that I will tell you about today.Made me feel like Kiss in their heyday! I know that it is not your fault but some of you Sikfuks really should put your parents on a leash!.I knew that it was bad out there but….dont worry about it. Just makes Me belive in ya’ll more than I ever did.

Its early and far too quiet.The whole world seems too still for my liking.Mike is out,Blackie on tour,Nanda AWOL and the B*,as you know is passed out upstairs.I am being strangly selfish with her time at the moment.This is not the 1st time we have gone our seperate ways but it seems so permanant.

Who woulda thunk that I was gonna get sentimental about Chez Rock? Jesus Ker-ist! Gonna go give myself an upper cut and make some tea…..Almost over my utterly filthy lung infection.As I write I am listening to a band called “Cosby” From the ‘gong.Not bad!
I am always stoked to get demos and the like.When ever we hit Smackcentral [aka;Melbourne] we always end up with a shoe box full of great stuff that keeps us listening all the way up the Hume…..

Mmmm-mmmm.I just want to get out there.I also want more ink and a support slot with Superjoint!
Miss “I-gimme-mine” indeed!

Its not even a full moon and I am acting like an asshole.Its not so bad ,I just cant wait to be a tool somewhere other than this place. Hell, for what its worth I would be an idiot anywhere right now as long as I get a chance to play every night and a few hours sleep every couple of days…….

I am sitting here pretending that I dont have a whole house to strip and pack…Throwing out so much shit!!! Ross is being a salve on my burning brain at the moment.All the boys are being amazing in their own ways. Me? I am the water boy to their team of cool.

I think they are the only people that I have ever let back into my emotionally retarded life.The shit that we put each other through!…To digress….

I dig your letters so!

Ah Princess.This makes you think? It makes Me think too…makes me wish that I was driven by somthing else for no other reason to see it differently for one pure moment…..Only to come back and fuck it up even more….

My laziness knows no bounds tonight.It is freezing so I put on the socks that were under the computer desk…they are ripe and do not belong to me.Tasty huh? I know ,I know…one day I will wake up and be a fully functioning adult.Like Hell!

I have a few people that I still look up to.People who have done some really shit hot things,well.in my eyes anyway.Painted,played,written….and so on. And without question about 99% of them are totally fucking miserable.Not saying that I am Xmas and the New year rolled into one or anything.Peh! No even on a good day….I am going somewhere with this…hold on…..

I will get to the point then let the hand break off and roll back……

Even when my life blows dogs?
It is mine.
I chose this.

All these super talented people that run circles around my ragged ass all locked down into jobs and lives that they hate.Lets just say that it playing on my mind tonight and it saddens me greatly.

Told ya that I was thinking too much tonight….I am jumping from one subject to the next.

Now the rolling backward bit….
[I am gonna get hung for this.]

Todays theory is “If I gave myself an “Out” I would go as hard?”


I am not advocating this stupid emotional version of ‘Jackass” for all and sundry but you know that I am a fan of the open ended question and the big olde think.It stemed from a rather abortive conversation I had today.
“What if?”
“What if what dude?”
“Well ,em,you know?”
“Ohhhhhh!” If I “Fail” is that what your getting at?”
“Ye-p” She gulped

For the 1st time I laughed.I mean ,I really laughed.That is what is so fucked up with the mainstream.I dont defend my actions to frightened morons.Well not since I stopped talking to my family.[*shudder*]

Oh Man.Now this is some top shelf shit right here! Speaking of families here we go on the great letter I got from an ,ahem! “Upset parent” Really classic stuff citing me as some kind of spawn cause …..

“I was going the the “Favorates” on our home computer when Your site came up.When I asked My teenaged ( ) about this,( ) got defensive and angry so I decided to read into it for myself [Good one Mom! You are finally taking an interest in what Jr is into!!! You asshole!!!] You are a negitive person and you spread nothing but ill will with your music and forum……”

Man,it goes on and on.

Well here is my side of it, you dumb shit. You are a weekender. A holiday uncle.A part time parent.You mean about as much as Santa clause to an Orthodox jew at this point.What? You had a kid cause you thought that it was the done thing? That it was a fashion statement? Its a life time commitment you moron. FUCK YOU!!!

I have never even MET half of your sons and daughters and I give more of a shit about happens to them on a daily level than you .I know what they are up to and how they are feeling…Why? Because you dont listen to a goddamn thing they have to say.There is always somthing more important.I may look and sound like YOUR worst nightmare but it is you who make me SICK to the pit of my being.

I get all this mail.
-Michele,my parents hate me
-Nobody understands Me
-I wanna die.

Etc and so on.And do you know what? It is SO fucking correct. It is so real.And yet you are made to feel like there is somthing wrong with you.Sure,There might be,you along with me and the rest of fucking humanity!

You remember that line in “Parenthood” When Keanu says “You need a licence to have a dog but any asshole can be a parent”…I think that you should not be able to breed unless you are gonna look out for your kid.

I am never not on the end of the line for ya’ll and you know it.Big- tattooed- drop -out -socially- ill equiped -plays- in -a -band me.The bad guy.
So riddle me this Ma and Pa?
If I am the bad guy?
The fuck up?
Why do your kids write and trust me?
What the hell are you doing?!@#! You have these amazing Kids that you have not even taken the time to get to know.

They rule.
You,on the other hand,

Now I know that this is not the most mature argument that I could have got myself into and I am sure that I will get burned at the stake…again…yaw-n….which is why I am gonna wear my asbestos Slayer t-shirt and keep going.

You could feel the guilt dripping off this poison missive.One letter does not make up for all the years that you were not there for you child.Sleep easy in your smug all knowing shade.You cannot stop your kids from hearing me.We are all in the shit together.

And guess what? You put them there.You gave them no choice.And we all like it here just fine.

You are not your parents.You can do what ever you want.You can feel like shit and damaged as all hell and that is cool.Cause it will pass.It will get worse.It will be what ever it is and whatever that is? On any fucking given day is yours, and you? Well,you are the shit.

I am gonna go and sit on the balcony in my sleeping bag and watch the night.Hook into some good tunes and chill.