Agony.

Could I do it again? Rumbles from the Bay Area and I think about fronting a new band but I am so empty.Going back to my once beloved California? I can’t do it. Where has the time gone? Three years? Michelle. I miss you so fuckin’ bad.We all do.So much fell apart after you died and even with your ashes by my side I still don’t believe that you are not coming back.

And when I think about all the ones that I hate that are still alive.It makes no sense.It should have been your ex. No one would have missed him.But the lack of you is unbearable.

(I only back the best.that is why i loved you…..kiss your whore for me…shut your eyes and picture us in bed…you remember…at our fucking finest…gonegonegonegonegone..)

Getting dental work is horrible.Hair,skin,fingernails…they all grow,replace themselves,replenish.Why not teeth? It sucks.Sitting in that chair I am convinced that I must have been some kind of baby eating despot in my last life and am receiving oral torture in this lifetime as payback.What you think is going to be an easy filling turns into root canal surgery.Heaven. On not one, but two teeth. Lucky me right? I can feel my pulse beating in my face. It feels like the cowbell in “Don’t fear the reaper” Horrible.I woke up early and and trained today because I knew tonight was going to be an absolute write off..My Sonics poster was on the floor when I fell out from under my of my Everest of nanna like winter bedding.I dug out some two sided tape and put it back up again. ( i took off all my jewelery ,tied my hair back and put on converse because i was going to kick your fat ex girlfriends drunk ass when we went to see the sonics.i wanted her to start something so,so,so bad so that i could finish it,so you could see just how much i loved you.just how far i would go…) Everything ties back into a memory.

Everything.

I could not trust myself around him.How can you be friends with someone that you want to be with still ? Someone who has someone?

( “Especially one as  skanky,vacant,ugly,emaciated and pathetic that other someone,your replacement no less, happens to be.Yay.” Love,Your inner voice of reason.xoxoxo.)

The answer to that is that you can’t. Well,at least I know myself well enough to know that I bloody can’t.I think of him and my knees buckle and my mouth floods with adrenaline. It never goes away.Everyone tells me that it will get easier in time,the lying cunts.What the fuck do they know anyway? It doesn’t “Fade” or “Get better”.It’s not a photograph or a bloody cold. It doesn’t do any of the things that they say it will.It grows like a tumor,a cataract over my will to live,it blinds my future, it just gets harder and worse.He is heading home into someone else’s arms and orifices anyway so it doesn’t matter anymore.Well,ahem, I tell myself it doesn’t matter anymore but,well…..I,on the other hand, am heading to hell in a hand-basket and the gym.

Just maybe not in that order.

I hate people.And I have nothing left to lose.

Hate,hate,hate.

I was glowering up the street the other day when a family tutted at me.I steamed on. Later they were walking past me again when the mother of the pod decided to share her opinion with me.She blocked me in front of a packed cafe.She got up in my face.Belligerent fat cunt.Thin mean mouth.Cheap tinny perfume.Whip thin husband at her side.Two snooty kids making up the rear, snickering.

“You” she proclaimed “Should smile!”

And with that she looked at her family and back at me with smug satisfaction.

I pulled myself up to full height and she looked a bit wary.Good.

“I’VE GOT CANCER!” I bellowed at the top of my lungs right into her fat face.The cafe fell silent and she burst into tears.

Can I just  tell you it put a real spring in my step.

Hate……………..

Existing on peppermint tea tonight because it hurts too much to eat.It sucks.So its just me and and the old grey matter tonight.Great.Not a real peachy prospect.Lilli and Jom will be drinking their body weight in the city,Miss Emma is away,Blackie and Miss Nina are off to see Gary Newman and presumably dance like robots and it would all be too much effort anyway.You know,social interaction.Its not really my cup of tea. The only cup of tea I have is rapidly cooling on my bedside table. I can’t be around people.It’s all too hard.Who am I kidding? I don’t want to leave my shanty.

I can hear the sirens bounce up and down the freeway chasing the V8 P-plater’s. I am down with big car accidents.Why the hell not? Bring it on I say! Little baby automotive apocalypse’s. It would be the finest form of  natural selection in this neck of the woods,that’s for sure. They are usually pinhead Leb’s who yell shit at me anyway so fuck ’em. How sweet would that be? I can picture it so beautifully.They are giving me grief at me while stopped at the traffic lights,blah,blah,blah…..not paying attention, the driver floors it though a red  and gets T-boned by a semi trailer.

Splat.

I would mosey on over and take photos of them dying on my phone to enjoy later.I would roast marshmallows over the flaming engine block.Find out when the funerals were and snigger behind my hand in the back row.

Admit it.Make peace with yourself. You would too.I say what other people only think.

At least alone I can lie here and flick though all my memories and float on codeine. Real party animal huh? Tonight I am going to be on the dance-floor at the Whisky with his arms around me,our heads thrown back singing at the top of our lungs as CJ Ramone tears it up.Then I am going to be in the pit in Oslo as we watch The Germs.Dio fronting Sabbath under a full moon in LA. Judas Priest….all by his side.

Guess who will be crying themselves to sleep then ? And no,you don’t win anything for the right answer.Its a no brainer..

I get letters from faceless people with made up names. I read it all. It’s the least I can do.They tell me that they are out there that they read me. Which brings  a strange prideful  feeling of reassurance cross pollinated with the embarrassment somebody watching you take a dump. Ah ego! Where would all of us writers be without you? People telling me that it’s all “Sluts,ruts and whore” that lured my love from my side but to keep the faith.I brushed my teeth again instead.

I passed out for five hours my computer purring like a cat on my chest.Woke up made tea and here I am.Lucky you.

My few friends are really starting to worry now. It’s kind of sweet. They know that I have shut down.I get told to “Get over it” and that its “Not normal.” When the hell I have ever done normal is beyond me anyway. Never really featured high on my hit parade so to speak (“Ohhh! Normal!!! I give in a 92 out of 100 ,its got a great beat and makes me wanna dance!”)

“He is with someone Michele,you can’t be alone forever” they harrumph.

“Just fucking watch me!” I think as I smile and nod.Smile and nod.Smile and nod.

Maybe it’s good that nothing ever changes for me.That I am mired in small constraint and stoic routine.It’s easier this way.

(How do you treat you friends? are they made of Indian rubber, do they bounce back? Are they like those old school Timex wrist watches,you know the ones,they take a licking but keep on ticking…you must have enough friends. i didn’t want a friend,or a buddy or a fuckin’ mate,i wanted all that and more.i wanted forever.)

Ho-hum.

Cant I take time out to inform you how great I was last Sunday? Or so I was told and I will take such kindness where I can get it.Came home and passed out after a 12 hour day of shooting.My fragile heart flared when I heard that the director said that all my takes were perfect.I inhaled red-bull and thew myself into leggy contortions on a bloodstained concrete floor.See,not finishing high-school didn’t pan out that bad after all. I have been fighting off another cold ever since though. It was the skimpy threads I am so sure.Jeremy’s amazing mum had me swooning in the kitchen with tales of handing Keef a flower at the tres intimate Stones show at the Enmore theatre,photo’s on the fridge to prove it.I got glitter over everyone and everything that came near me,became attached to a ram’s skull that I carried all day and got to taunt a Mexican wrestler lashed to a crucifix.

I looked pretty good.Hexy’s costume’s were amazing.I didn’t feel like I matched them but I still went for it. My amazing Miss Emma looked like a ball breaking dream. Ah. My incredible friends. Lilli Whitetiger,amazing roommate,photographer and support came and helped .I turned around and she was shooting,or doing costumes…a godsend that one.”You are so cute!” she squealed at me and gave me a hug and pulled away covered in fairyfart. I was shocked when I looked in the mirror.I don’t feel cute on the inside anymore.Or the outside for that matter but I painted it on and the result was a pleasant surprise.

Loveless you see?

(i wonder if you would have been proud of me,supportive like i was of everything you did or just accused me of fucking everyone on set…as time drags its hot heels forward kicking my  butt all the way,i wonder if you liked anything that i did at all.…)

It was such a long day but we all made it through. Emma drove Me and the White-tiger home where I proceed to almost pass out in the shower full of gaseous energy drinks and covered in strange bruises.

(Recommended listening for the last few paragraphs “Show Business” by AC/DC )

How was your weekend?

Was trying to line up another show on my super talented brothers coat tales before he hit the continent but we ran out of time.First Sydney show will fall on the night of my sainted mothers birth when he returns.If you have not heard his solo magnum opus yet you are missing out.This show will serve as a kind of re-launch,belated but oh so necessary.. Friday July 22nd sports fans.More details to follow and so on.I will get it up on My space and To Miss Annabelle who so kindly runs a face-book page about me (!) . Its going to be a great show.

I mean that from the bottom of my black heart.My mouth hurts and its 5:37 in the morning.