Hamburg

Germany.They have tequila-flavoured beer here. I shit you not. Baby bottles of Jagermeister at the tube stations…

As Ross has taken off to Berlin for the weekend I have decided not to leave the hotel room. Yeah I am being snot. I haven’t been dressed all day and I picked my hair out.

Have also had 4 showers and used all the towels…Woooo! Rock heaven.

Fuck, where to begin.
It all seems so unreal. Britta and me leave on a press tour after we play 3 dates in the Netherlands. See???How fucking unreal does that look? I feel like the whole world is on just for me right now, as I sit here there are fireworks going off outside the window to Elvis.I couldn’t make this shit up, as I tend to veer away from perfection. And as far as I can work out this is fuckin perfect.

My new tattoos swelled up on the plane and the 1st shower in Germany was great. We basically got here and then went and played, it was that fast. We were on this thing along with Mortal Sin and the Tatts called “Rock over Hamburg” Killer fun.

Then we were back there opening for Carnivore a few days after Wacken.Holy Moses got me up on stage to do “To drunk to fuck” an honour! There is footage somewhere. Pete Steel was absolutely charming.which is why I gave him the bottle of red wine that I stole from catering back at the hotel at 2 in the morning.

I am looking tired cause I fuckin am! I cant seem to catch up but what I can do is get used to this.

Funny shit living in a hotel and having no money.dethrowned royalty. Think that I got me a hotel heart as well.

I don’t have my usual array of pictures up. That way I can make like it’s not as permeant as it is and that I don’t miss my significant other as much as I do. I have to get my alien papers here. The mind boggles. We are not going to leave until we get what we want. And one way or another I usually do.

[“Your not coming back” He says over the long distance delay. I can’t even think about it or I will lose it before I even start]

I have had a few weird moments. Kids with camera phones. It’s flattering as all hell.

I am off to Paris and Spain to embarrass myself in front of the worlds press. We just got confirmed for Bloodstock in the UK at the end of the month so I got a mess of press there as well. It’s a job now, this is actually what I do and it takes my fucking breath away.

So, here I am in room 503 at the Monopol hotel in Hamburg. Smack in the middle of the red lights. Being the bone deep scumbag I am I could not feel more at home. There is a closed street here. All the hookers in the windows and what not, so in the name of science and so on [humour me ok?] I decided that it would aid my development as a human being to go and window-shop some of the finest workingwomen in the world.

“Women verboten!!!” Said the red sign at the front of the miracle mile.

Not for long….

I have had fuckers calling me “Sir” for years so I strapped the rack down and went in. Miles of women under UV lights, blonde hair glowing…. perved my ass out and the got busted by 3 Aussie metal heads on the way out.
Heh.

Ross has got me learning German and I feel really dominant even asking the time. This is one language that should be dressed in black leather and called “Daddy”

I have got my counting down though. There is an all night porn channel here that has all the phone sex adds on a loop and as they say the numbers they flash up. Kinda like an adult’s only sesame street. Whatever works right?

Its so weird being in a situation that was only a fantasy for so long but when I look around I know that I am doing the right thing.

The ground crew at our label are astounding. Being believed in by the real thing makes up for being shat on by the wanna bes at home for so long.

The new single looks awesome and the album is out on the 13th of October.Aramageddon are gonna bring it back to Australia as well so you will be able to get it,don’t fear.

This shit is gonna be all over the place so please bare with me. I took a million pictures; I mean the fucking scale of this shit and then to wind it all up on the last nite watching Moterhead by the side of the stage with 50 thousand people out there. Awesome.

I think that I owe Mick Cox and The Rose Tattoo boys my life. I don’t think that I have ever been treated so well. Mick is the one who gave us the leg up in Germany. Those guys are treated like gods here. You have never seen anything like it. And I got to wish Angry a happy birthday before he went on.

Teen cream fan dream.

The whole fuckin thing.

It was really great seeing Mortal Sin tear it a new ass on the first night in. I was in the pit just beaming. We all ended up staying in the same hotel so it really did feel like us against the world.

Seeing the reaction to us a few days later was really funny. There was nothing else like us on the bill [As always} but rest assured I am already writing to a whole heap of new euro sikfuks.Got to play the press tent and do some TV interviews.gotta tell you, the press tent and backstage is a total trip. It was a case of who didn’t I meet….

I will just post the photos ok cause it does my head in.

I think that we did good the boys were amazing but I know that I could do better. I am gonna have to. I am finally playing for keeps. Just got so used to getting fucked over that I didnt think that all this was really for real.

It’s hard as fuck to diet when in the land of the free smorgasbord!

We move into our camp in Altona on Monday so I will drag my ass out of the table dancing clubs and Cafe’s and do a zillion sit ups. The gaff that Miss Sheree has got us used to be an old supermaket.5 stories and a full studio with back line. Can’t wait.

More later.

SF4L
Michele.

Ive paid my dues,time after time.

-Queen.

Jesus come close now,i think my time is near.
-PJ Harvey.

Can you hear them?,they talk about us.
-The Go-gos

Of course I have a head cold on the eve of rock bailage to kroutland.
Got tattooed today for a few hours and I couldnt feel a thing.
Told you it was gonna be all about ink and fuckin.[Not at the same time,like.]

My heart hurts along with my rubber bits.[ Due to an enviable and fantastic ammout of desperate overuse thank you very bloody much.]
I just lie there and watch him sleep like I will be able to pull on it like a reserve while I am gone. Me ,Miss Kitten and flame haired goddess Raquel,well,we all know that time is running out and no one wants to cry.
I have no fucking idea what I am doing.
Besides beating myself up for never being grown up enough to pull it together.
I will be dumpster diving thru the continent. Fuck it.

No one is in touch with me at the moment.

Saw the beloved Saint Tina and my pirate brother Jr.A festive dinner and much evil gossip was had by all.

I dont know if I cant get it together cause I keep telling myself that or what? The house is asleep and I was an idiot and missed my window to pass out and hence? Writing shit that is in no way evocative of the inner terror that is looming within once again.

Failure is in no way an option though.Be warned,I am gonna kick so much ass I will go down a shoe size by the time I am done.I am always gonna be insane that is just a fucking given so I gotta keep going. There is too much that wants me to stop.All the little net cowards and my zillion detractors my 8th grade Nemesis and more than likely the monkey hiding in my butt.

I just have to get real and hit the high seas again.the funny thing is is that getting up there and doing ma thang is the fucking least of it.It is the other fated 23 hours in the day that give me greif.I am proud though,zen packing at its finest.I have one change of clothes and a fresh journal to defile…..oh…..and no money.

ahem

Just gotta piss in the wind I guess.I mean,we cant stay here its too depressing by far at the moment as a band.No one in this whore of a ringmeat addled scene wants to take risks and as shitscared as I can get at my lowest I know that that is exactly the path of action that needs to be taken.

Fear is one fuck of a motivator thats for sure.

I cant stop now.And what praytell the fuck would I do?.I win,I am always gonna win even when I think that Im not.So fuck off.

sigh.

So there I was loading stripey homeless person bags of ratty clothes into Jrs car once again thinking about when and where we would all meet again.Saint Tina protective of all my journals in their shit Hello Kitty school case,back into dusty storage for fuck knows how long this time.

Its gonna be summer there.I am gonna stand on the side of the stage and watch Moterhead.Point and laugh at hippies,sleep on the ground.We are all ment to be at the airport at 9 on saturday morning and my stomach is curdling at the reality of it all.Its the getting there that kills me.

I have not seen Ash since we played the last show.The boys tell me that he is good and we are jamming on thursday.Why do I think I am not going to sleep till I get on the plane?Hmmmmm?

Wish I still smoked.

Nah.

I guess that I will hit you guys up after the Rose Tattoo show.Thanks for all the good times at shows and shit since we have been home.Really,you dont know how much it keeps me going when to tell the truth,I could not be arsed.

see y’all next summer.
SF4L
Michele

It aint easy livin free.

-AC/DC.

I been workin from 7 to 11 every night,really makes life a drag.
-Led Zepplin.

This one goes out to the one I left behind….
-REM.

( To be read in the style of Dylans “Subterranean Homesick Blues” If you hold your nose it makes it more authentic,trust me I just did it….)

A-hem.Ready?

Red bull, diet pills, situps till you puke, denial, porn,Huge cocks just smashing shit in, tuna outta the tin, bleach, itchy cut,s tattoo scabs, ill intent, broken windows, whores i like, sweat sweat sweat, broken teeth watching you sleep when I cant ,the teeshirt of love ,bodies colliding half asleep fucking cause every cell wanted you fire on the road bepanthen fall apart to come back together and I never had anything like you before never really cared if i lost again,until you until now……

Or maybe not…heh.

I am gonna take nothing into the wild blue yonder this time.Have whittled 8kgs off my fetid corpulent frame,I piss Chernobyl due to all the red bull and supplements currently using my kidneys as a punching bag.My eyes look bigger on the bitter plains of my face and when I cant sleep i find myself tapping at my now visible sternum as if waiting on admitance.

A whole year twisted away.

Skin thinner move faster.
(“You are the boy I want to be” I wailed internally as he fucked me harder ,driving ,his whip hips nestled perfectly into mine like Russian dolls,tattoos slick with sweat and lust I came twisting pinned beneath him,his teeth locked on the side of my neck…..)

Almost time to go to war.
cant sleep nothing new there.Well,I can,just at all the wrong times.

had a shocking dream about my sinuous whore of a sister the other night.I woke up with a blood nose just like i used to whenever she was on a coke binge anywhere in the world.It was uncanny.She and Cary would be on a 2 day bender in London and i would wake up heart pounding blood streaming down my face in bed at the ranch.

I wonder if she od’ed? had not really thought of it again till I sat down so I guess in time it all really does fade away.I know she dont think of me at all.I was of no use to her in the end so why would she.She didnt have a heart to break.

Blady blah.

Gooch sent me a mess of pictures from Ozzfest this year.He and Big Val looked great.Big Gene is out there too with Strapping and you never know right? I mean stranger things have happened…..

Like Playing Wacken.

……………w-oah.

I think that this could be an uncool situation.I am leaving in …what? under 2 fucking weeks???
Mikey came round to hang tonite after a flurry of text messages.He said that the jam had gone well and asked if I could show up at the next one as its the last chance we have before playing HAMBURG.I am printing large trying to knock it into my feeble head that its really on.

No luck.

Just listened to all the new shit in my empty bed (it is now 4;42 in the morning] and still ?……nothing.I sit for hours looking at the euro conversions on ticket prices to gigs that we are playing on in 15 days and…..

Nada.

What the fuck is wrong with me?
ha! A long list but I am after details here.
I woke up at 6 tonite after missing yet another days trading.There is a list scrawled on my wall in sharpie,shit that makes no sense in twilight once I wake up,panicked shorthand written in the dark the night before (Boxes? hairshit,getshoes….)

And I gleefully dont give a rats ass.

Its got to the point when all my wantonly stoned affiliates are even looking at me with unabashed amazement bordering on dope fueled disdain.

(“Dude?Aint you met to be in Holland or somfink?”)

lalalalalala…..

Let us harken back to the 1st tour os shall we? (quel shudder) The first time that we really hauled ass as a unit we I ended up in the depths of hell convinced that my gee-tar player was trying to make me kill myself.Prior to it all turning to shit though I was as fresh, eager and well prepared as an untampered with boyscout.

And it didnt matter one fucking bit.I still ate it in a big way.

I cant see myself there.I cant see myself anywhere most of the time .Saint Tina is on her way and i doubt if i am gonna see Blackie and Monkey before I go.There are so many people in my last life i woulda chased up to say goodbye to but as it stands why the hell should i? They give noteth a shite about my warrior ass so I will let em rot choking on the marketable anarchy of King street,the salable cholesterol that is blocking the atreries of the last great punk enclave heart.

Fuck off all lary trustafarian infidels.

Much great conversing was undertaken by No #1 son and my stinky Pj clad self on the brown couch this evening.My tattoos nowhere near done and my period looming like the raven we spoke of all that has come befre and lead us here.Bloody hell.I have,from all we spoke about,worked out that I am gonna be ugly as all fuck out there and merciless.
Thats about it.And that made me smile.

I guess that I will make it out of the house at some bloody point.I find it hard to remember why I need to do this but then I remember that the magic pixies have forsaken me and that there is a mess of shit that I need to do.This week is gonna fly and then I will have a melt down next week and then I will be 8 miles high as my most adored Byrds would sing.

Mmmmmm.Germany.Lots of Museums and War history to set my black heart aflame.Coffee shop[s and David Bowie.Starving to bones and looking grumpy (“Ve are nihilists Leboski! Ve Believe in Nozthing!”)

Who the fuck knows right?

I find myself tied in all kinds of strange emotional knots that I have never had to deal with on this level before namely being separated from my significant other.
Although briefly married about a squillion years ago I have never had to consider leaving someone in my mentally unstable choppy wake before and its weird.

And I know that its gonna get a whole lot weirder.

I am working on being loved.Not easy.I advised significant other to leave me at LEAST 3 times a week,as a mate you understand?
fucking insanity really The way I am wired is so fucking confusing to my self most of all. I Say that its cool if he goes to hookers while I am on tour as I would prefer that to mental infidelity.I mean,when you gotta knock the top off it right??….
This it what comes form being raised by wolves and believing that I was ment to be a boy for the 1st 14 year of my life .
He IS my mate and loves me cause I am mental so he gets where I am coming from.
Its a mano to mano type thing.

Somtimes I know you cant be faithful so I ask for loyal instead.

There is a chance that it will all be sweet but not alot in my life has been “Sweet” so i tend to do alot of early preparation so to speak.

(“Batton down the hatches!Hes been cheating on you with a brain dead 18 year old bikini model!”)

You know the fable……

Ho-hum,I wanna make it through this with my Hello Kitty heart intact.

onward and upward………

There are a fair few cunts that I would like to crease before departing this fair isle once again but as they know who they are I would rather them live in fear for a few months….Although I must say that a few have faded from my shitlist recently.Not through lack of hate mind,Just because they are pathetic and faded and meh…..

I mean why bother? Who wants to punch someone in the chops only to end up with a shard of crack pipe inbeaded in your knuckles?
I rest my cast.Its watertight you know?

What did I learn over the last year home?
Well,I saw who was really there for me at my lowest ebb and they were not there because I was a name to drop at the pub,they were there cause they saw something in me worth loving that I can never see and for that I was humbled and grateful.
I learned to fight smart,that I could live small,that I could let go, gleefully at that,of the childhood dream of getting big here,
That the people who run the show here are amoral pig fucking vampires who are not even worthy of my scorn,that its good not to run the race here,That being a SikFuk is indeed for life but most of all that I can survive fuckin anything and that I did.

And not to get inked before you go up on blocks.Fluid retention is a cunt.

Cars out there sounding loud in the rain.I should try and pass out so I can get it together tommrow.

I guess my last week here will be an unmitigated flury of tattooing and filthy sweaty sex.
And to quote Sir Lemmy.

“Thats the way I like it baby,I dont wanna live forever!!!!!!!!!!!”

( and dont forget the joker )

A-fuckin’-men.

SF4L
Michele.

Making enemies is good.

-The Backyard Babies.

It is complete now,two ends of time are neatly tied.
-Andy Preiboy.

Still waiting for my ship to come in.
-The Divynals

“Bye Bye”.
She waves like a spastic child,From the wrist and from the heart.

I am sleeping alot and at all the wrong hours.Takes me a while to get there due to panic and stress but once away I am home and hosed.
I dont have to do anything there.
In fact I think that a Coma my be the ultimate in the art of avoidance.

My life is fatal.To relate it to a movie it is the final scene of Fight Club.

Ho-hum.

Fuck logic.

Have I packed?
No.
Do I care?
No.
Does any of this seem real?
No.

In a way I guess that it is serving me not to get completely wound up about it all.Throw shit in bag,get on plane,rock….and so on.

I will never get to the poison root of what is wrong with me.

My tattoos are fucking huge though.I cant seem to get enough pain out of it though, so thank fuck for sharp stuff,although thats not really making the grade either.Bummed.

But more to the point,I am not making the grade at all so its all hand in hand.

No one is really bugging me at this point which I am most grateful for..It just keeps on rolling and I tend to believe that I am some what of an inconvenient friend for most.Only made to be wheeled out when I am at the top of my game.

This place will roll with out me and I will roll on.

People are treating me different anyway and its weird.Nah,I dont know what it is but I get approached by people that i would in NO way expect to be into what we are doing and it keeps my lazy mind from narrowing any further at this point.

That is a good thing.

I have never had to leave anyone behind like this before and I dont know if I am emotionally stable or mature enough to do so.I keep saying that I would not wait for me and I wouldnt.

I really am not a fan of myself.More so at this point than any other.

I bug Ross heaps but there are no updates.We are gonna be jamming on weekends and I guess that Ash has decided what will be on the next album without consulting me yet again.I always get out voted.Mikey is up with his dad at the moment and I am seeing St Tina and Jr on her birthday which will be well cool.

Still cant speak german……..

SF4L
Michele.

Touch me Im sick!

-Mudhoney.

Rain,rain,rain…bah.

This is the “I cant sleep so anything to avoid my great big mess of a life” entry.

Need to get more ink cause the nights are getting longer and the darkness is rising like a brackish tite that I dont want to go under.

As always at this point in my rather stoic development,I am taking cash donations.

Also taking the piss as it takes little or no effort.Revenge is sweet.Red Bull in the other hand is not.I had never ever tried it till I went to work at Club 77 and now I need 2 of the fuckers to get me upright in the morning.Bah.

Stayed up all night in an empty bed gripped by panic and laziness.Meg wants to shave my head for me and its looking like a better idea all the fuckin time.

The house is empty and so is my head.Scratch that.What a fuckin lie!

He can never tell anyone that she was his whore.That she did anything that he wanted her to.Crawled across the persian rug like a posion thing,to melt onto his cock like fuck flavored ice cream.His phone turned off along with his decency for stolen hours.
His tounge on the base of her spine.
His other life spinning in the wind.
He knows and that is enough.At this point she only remembers what song was on the radio as he rammed into her.

Away from the moment,watching them do it like they invented it.

So yeah,Im writing alot,weird shit as above.Wondering who is really on my side,hating far too many people,stressing about going and how I am gonna run my life out there.Berating myself for not being more intouch with the tribe but I hardly even get round to myself right now.

Its been a year since my exile on the beach and I would give anything to be there again.Swinging big winter cicrcles on the sand,”Silver Spring” coiling round my frontal lobes.All I got now is the traffic outside my door and a heap of gritty memories.

My mate Scotty wrote me.A year on from Bakersfield and tells me that hes got a new band.That he loves and misses me and thats all you need aint it? A few people on the planet who remember your name?. It works for me.
Makes me kinda bummed that we have to postpone the states again.I am gonna loose it if I dont see Toodski and the Goochmonster soon.

Scratch that.I lost it years ago.

It can all go wrong alot faster than you thing.It does not pay to be cocky around such matters.

I have so much shit that I want to get up here before I go.All the crap that I spewed out over the summer and never worked out how to send to Ross.Does anyone read this shit???
Answers on a post card to……

SF4L
Michele

Little things I should have said and done,

I never took the time….
-Willie Nelson.

In my life I loved you more.
-J.Lennon.

I really wanted to come down and write last nite but all the powers that be were not in my favor [people sleeping on floor ect, so Here I sit on the brown couch once again attempting to push myself into some kind of existence.I slept all day due to the fact that I sat up twisting on some self made sharp point all night.
Joy.
Ash dont really talk to me anymore.Scrub that.he just dont talk.Guess that we will chat on the road at some point.I think that we start rehearsing again this week.Ross sounds happy living with meegs and such and where ever number one son is I hope that its good.

Still watching my life slide by.My room looks like a bomb went off in a clothing bin.I have to nick some boxes from somewhere and get in packed.
Think that I have spent most of my life packing. Dino wrote me from LA.Asking where my sister was.Who knows?Its been a little over a year since we have talked and knowing my track record we will never speak again.I ended up liking her punk roommate at the end of the shitstorm more than I liked her.
Still broke as all fuck.I will pay em all back some day.
Biancia yelled at me for not calling her for my heavily discounted rock n Roll dental work and lo and behold I still have not got round to it…I am an asshole.
drenched in melancholy.
poo.

This whole tour seems unreal to me.denial? Meh….who can say.
I feel people distance themselves from me more and more as better things befall us.Who knew?All I ever had to do to get people the fuck up out of my grill was be successful.

I know that there would not really be any love here for us in the end bar the faithful.And that is ok cause I gave up on trying to impress people who dont impress me a real long time ago.Pre high school even.So off to where the sun is shiny and the label support foxy and enduring.

I get to watch Moterhead all summer from the side of the stage.

Gonna be interesting to see how the Rose tattoo show goes.I love Mick Cox with all my black heart so its gonna be cool to see him there.He pushed really hard for us in europe and I will never be able to repay him.We played a show that Angry walked out on once so I dunno what he is gonna make of all this.

Feeling like a bloated paint by numbers picture at the moment.Logging in round 8 hours ink a week.saint Tina is getting Nervy about the end result but once my arms are done all I have left is my J.cash tattoo and I am home and hosed.

Dont wanna look like all those grumpy rock chix in their overpriced faster pussy cat sweaters and polka dotted finery….heh…fat chance!

(“gee! i am gonna get an old school chest peice!That will REALLY set me apart from the pack…….”)

I try [minimum effort] Not to hate as much as I do but the older I get and the less the shit dont go away the more correct I find myself.Sue me.

As I am want to do when I cant sleep and that is all too often ,I go back and wander round my past.Indulgent to the first and last.

I hate most of the fools that I encounter there.But there bare a few that I miss….

You will never get this letter.I have no idea where you are now but I assume that you are still out there. We used to talk every day.I was young and I didnt know what to do with the way that you loved me but besides that we were friends.I would play your mixed tapes till they broke ..You took me to kosta who ended up Tattooing me for real,for commitment and when that asshole drummer of mine did a runner you picked up my pieces with letters,hardcore porn and miles of metal magazines.

As I was racing round with the Hard Ons ant the big day out in 03′ I saw you for a second but is was not our time to make good I guess.You always saw me up there and I am grateful for that.You inspired me to write the 1st song that I did with this band.I wonder if you have followed my life from afar and that if you have that you realize how much you had to do with getting me here.

Wacken and Europe dude!I dont have a number or an email for you.So many things have happened and you were the one i wanted to call.

I hear from time to time that you are well and still quite and living it.Fitzroy is so far away now.I never thought that we would get this far away from it all.

Look,I couldnt sleep and you were on my mind.Maybe we will never meet again but through my misspent youth you shone the brightest and took care of me.Thanks.I mean it……..

Its raining again.Ross Tells me that 10kgs of luggage is about the dizzy limit.I am just gonna get on the bird in what I am wearing.Fuck it.Back to Australia round the beginning of November but you never can tell…

Just thinkin out loud.
SF4L
Michele

We didnt get the grant.

Rossco called me before to tell me that we made it as high as we could without getting cashed up.
He was at pointy’s,playing bass.

So,
I wont be able to see anyone or do anything before we leave.
Please dont ask.I am busy.
I cant be swayed..
Take care and if I dont see you at “Come Together” I will see you at our last show at 77 .

This wont stop Me.
Nothing fuckin will.

Stay true and know that it will all be worth it in the end.

SF4L
Michele.

[Still in fuckin Sydney,Fuck.]

And I gave my heart to know wisdom,and to know madness and folly;
I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit.
-Ecclesiastes.

Your everything,that’s why I cling to you.
-FNM.

Crawford shook his head.
“Its fear, Jack.The man deals with a huge amount of fear.”
“Because he got hurt?”
“No,not entirely.Fear comes with imagination,its a penalty,it’s the price of imagination.”
-Thomas Harris “The Red Dragon.”

Not as much hatemail this week.BO-ring……..Think those half-wit palookas run on a lunar cycle cause its always round the same time as I go up on blocks.Heh.

Gooch went out and met up with AIC on the road.Sent me photos that made me smile…..Big Val and Mike Inez sending love to my vigilent little butt.Miss em.Cant wait to get back into the ring again.A decade of their love and support.Hell yeah,I walk with kings.

“Soon baby” Croons my muse who STILL looks like Jenna Jamerson after all these years……

The crazy dude who live next door to us got kicked out.They found a box of 32 hand Grenades in his room.Which was pretty much under my room.Sad I didnt get to know him now.Sounds like we had a mess of shit in common.

32 grenades is alotta boom right there.That and a rocket launcher and we coulda had us one hell of a high time on King St on a Friday night.Sigh..Ce la vie….

I got Deluxe some huge faux diamond studs to cheer him up in the face of all the shitstorms that he has been weathering of late.That and he has been admiring Pharelle’s for a while.Ross,Putting the “Bling” into DIY metal.Gotta love that.

Got Willie Nelson on a loop on my internal I-pod.”On the road again…” He croons while I sweat bullets and fail by the fucking hour with no credit card and no net….berate and hate myself paralyzes and the seconds tick by inactive and cursed.

Big calander on the wall still says “March” I fuckin wish! I still wouldnt have it together but on the other hand I would still be hooning around in my private lagoon ,eating mangos with significant other.March was a good vintage for me this year.

Back to now.Its 20 somthing days till we go.I dont have the money and its fucking cold.I am eating cheese and being kept company by a small black recently de-sexed cat with a bucket on its head.I can hardly stand the glamour.

X and The Rollins Band are gonna be doing shows in LA and you can bet yer bottom Dollar that I am gonna be pissin my fan-boy pants front and center for THAT!

Its down to days now.And I am not doing anything but watching the headlights of my future as they speed towards me.We got a drunk driver with a lead foot here lemme tell y’all….
I could not get out there tonite.I poisoned myself with too much sleep after weeks of none at all.Left the set of our new clip after another all day shoot [I will get to this more later] had a shower and passed out from 11 sunday nite till 2 monday afternoon.My typing is fraught with peril due to long black false nails.Best you dont ask…..

Do you ever wish that someone would just come and “Do your life” ?
I must be a teenaged defeatist from wayback….Just the crap bits like….well,all the shit that is not kicking out the jams,getting tattooed,finding money or fucking I guess.

Its now 2am on tuesday morning.I am wearing a Pantera longsleave that Tony [SF4L] sent me from Orange.I almost pissed myself when Rossco handed it over.I can pretty much guarantee that all the pix that come back from Europe are gonna feature this here garment. Miss’is Lili and Metzy made an appearance on the second day of filming due to the fact that I could not get to the Mz Ann Thropik single launch the night before,a predicament that gutted me.They left after presenting me with a ruby studded pirate ring and taking armfuls of barbed wire roses in return.Spoilt me……

Diamond Lil and The Pornstar are always amazed at the bounty that you Sikfuks shower apon Me.Lil cant believe that y’all know me so well.I smile to myself and think back over all the years of “Whitetrash” and the times we have before and after the shows,miles of emails and think that nobody knows me better at this point in my life and I am glad.

So heres the fable…
Guy called Judd tilyard [aka “Francis Ford” and “Speak up!”] decides that we are worth the trip from Brisvegas to make a Video.Bless!.He and Delux conspire and needless to say it came out nothing like the script and no one got any sleep.My rack should have its own agent at this point…..

Due to Deluxes prowess with a pair of bolt cutters we broke into a 4 million dollar warehouse and set up camp for 2 days.When I arrived back on set for the second red bull powered sleep deprived day I found out that Judd had slept there guarding all of my Beloved Finbars lights.We all called him Francis Ford after that.Well,I did anyway and thats all that fuckin matters…read on……

Its for the song “Gear”.You know the one,The one that heaps of people think that I wrote about them….peh. The one that trades my smack habit for a love habit. Both are fucking fatal.Love scars the inside.

I know who I wrote it about in the turbo charged summer of 03′.And I know who fills my happy minds eye when I sing it now.So,We did it all in half speed which means that every playback is stretched out to about 7 minutes and you gurn like a fucking raver in the summer of love with 3 E’s jammed up your quoit and a fist full of glowsticks.Quel sigh..

Most of the second day was me in a white wedding dress that I had destroyed.Max found it while dumpster diving and handed it over.Kinda looked like a cross between a wench [“Freshen ya pint Guv’nor??”] and Chloe Webb in “Sid and Nancy”.Cool Cool Cool! I got to dance through a Field of 300 lit candles,shitting myself the whole time looking at Mikey arming the fire extinguisher [no lie.]

Knives blood and Red velvet beds….Me and significant other dressed up as mad pirates kissing like hollywood in a field of fire….The whole world dropped away and all I could hear was the blood pounding in my ears….Times like that its not too fuckin shabby at all.

Hearing the track over and over makes me think about what a sad place I seem to write from.Not to worry.All the shit for the next album is so valiantly brutal I will be galvanized nightly by pure hatred to deliver.

Get so caught up in the shitfight to get “There”That I honestly forget what the fuck I am doing .No Lie.Its easier than it sounds.Always need to get in the studio,the road,airfairs…….

A few things got me back in line after being “Out of hand!” as my adored Jay Blurter would say.

The 1st thing being a CD that Number1# son slipped into my bag over the weekend……

Anthony recorded all 78 minutes of us tearing up The Gaelic Club from the desk.I am listening to it now remembering how sick I was that night,phlem falling out of all available holes like toxic rope,listening to ash bitch…..Thats me.Thats what I do.Thats why you sell plasma and do all kinds of dodgy shit….Remember?
Yep…

2nd thing being a girl….

She never really tells me what the deal is.Shes kinda shy which is why her putting me in my place hit home…I like the way that we have become closer over long nights.The shape of her in my arms feels tender and correct to me.I bury my nose in her green hair and feel her heart beat next to mine.
“Go an’ do the fucking clip dude” she squints up at me “Thats the reason for everything your doing,the music….”
She sees me glance at her Tourettes tattoo,Bold on her forearm.She scratches at it and smiles at my slack jawed awe.

Never fails to amaze me that people are so passionate about this.I forget.They want me to actually do what I do.The mind boggles as the heart swells……

And shes right.I just chase my own tail.Told Delux that tonite that “I feel like Rodney Dangerfeild with fuckin tits here man! I get no fuckin respect!” He told me that he was driving so I sighed and hung up.

Got one or two more days or recording with Ash before he heads back west.I think that will cover it for LA.I pray that it will cause I gotta get moving while that pointy fuck is gone.Ross always takes his side.

Me and Saint Tina had a bit of a charged call the other nite.Bottom line is that some of my natural family have come outta the woodwork.I dont wanna know. I dont even know if I know HOW to know at this point.Trying so hard to make something of my big fuck up of a life.I try and tell Saint T that EVERYbody wants something from you…..thing is, that outside the lines that I have set for myself to preserve my ever fleeting sanity,that I really dont have it…that is,anything to give.

Saint Tina tells me that she and I have the same eyes and after all these years I cant care.Nothing ever means what you think it will in the end and I guess thats just the way that it goes.

Significant other tells me that maybe without my anger I wouldnt have a center,a driving force.Hell,he may be right but I am not in the mood or position to even want to test his theory at this point.

No anger there though,just numb indifference.

Clock is ticking and baby,if you aint for me you are against me…..

Look at the tribe that we have built.Got that ruby on my finger glinting and winking at me as I type away.Its all I got and its more than I ever imagined that I would get or deserved.

Got your postcard from hawaii doll…miss your firebrand hands.

Miss Suzanne,I know where you are at and we will pick up where we left of.Of course I wanna sleep in your basement baby.I could think of nothing finer.I am avoiding packing up yet another room,peeling posters from the walls.My usual mayhem.Not respecting myself or what I might need I let the hours bleed together knowing that even at the worst of it Hatred has got the wheel and revenge will take the second shift.

I feel like I am a ghost up here now too.I imagine the road winding to meet my wheels and the flat prairies in the summer rather than the snow,Where the hell has the last year gone and more pertinently am I returning a conquering hero?

Here was me hoping that being an instrument of vengeance would involve being thinner and somewhat more stylishly dressed but as y’all know I will take my kicks where I can get em.

An interlude that made me smile today.

I received a stunningly malevolent phone call this evening gleefully informing me that an old adversary had been deported back to his country of origin while trying to flee back to London.I laughed so hard that juice [Orange,no pulp.] spurted out of my nose.

Guess that there is some tenant is society and within the realms of politeness that stakes some claim to not be joyous at the downfall of the fuck puppets who messed with your inner Peace.

To this I call “Bullshit” With much flag waving and setting off of fireworks.

I believe that there are few things finer,well, other than a good shit,the Saints winning the Super bowl,Hardcore pornography and playing a sold out show THAN revenge that kept your hands clean.

I hope that nothing BUT shit reigns down on the people who knowingly hurt me after I had given them my everything so, on that front ,I had a good day. You can call it petty all you want I dont give a shit. Thats the difference.You bow to society and its mores that you secretly despise and I say it while you just think it.That shit will eat you up.Its the lies that you tell yourself so dont go Turning your nose up at me you hypocritical cunts.

LORD THAT FEELS GOOD!
*phew*

Ner.

For the making of the “Gear” Filmclip.
All the blackhearted thanks in the world to….

Rossco Deluxe.
Judd Tilyard
Significant other.x.
Number 1# Son
Sir Pointy Mc Assfuck
Maxwell Deamon
Finbar the Great
Matt and Matt
Miss Lex.
Meegs Jay
All at 140.

Trying not to be a ghost,those who are ment to know what I mean…
SF4L
Michele.

You know the pain thats in my heart

It just shows that Im not very smart
Who needs love when you’ve got a gun
Who needs love to have any fun.
-Black Flag.

When ever there is a big change comming I retreat into the halls of my memory.The bastions of my past where I can roam barefoot achy lonesome and sorta happy.
All the silver bullets that I polish to war readiness are distilled of all my hurt and all the lessons that you would be wise not to forget.
Forgiveness is a ploy.People are evil knowing that their prey are gonna let em do it again and again and again and again…..

Do you honestly have time for this?

[He only hits me when hes drunk….]

If you make excuses for anyone who damages you in anyway and you take them back into your life you deserve every thing you get and My respect for you is non existant.End of story.

YOU SAD STUPID ALMOST RAN
YOU SHEEP IN DUMB FUR
YOU CIVILLIAN
YOU LANDFILL

Sure,I am sooooo full of hate.Rather be full of hate than full of SHIT like you.If you have all these issues with me why not call me on it face to face? Cause you know I am right.
Cause there is a chance that I will haul off and belt you?
Better still that I will laugh ??

You know how I know I am right?
Cause I get all these whiney fuckin emails from cunts that I hardly know who are so self important and paranoid that they ALL think that I am writing about THEM.We got alotta guilt and crack smokin goin down in the burbs’ to-NITE kids….

You know what ?
On alot of spanky levels my life could not be finer at the moment.No shit.Got 2 international record deals,World tour,health is the best its been in years,writing songs again,joined at the genitals to someone that can I throwdown with and have been doin so for almost a year solid…….

BUT….

If you think that the voices in my head have shut up and that the monkey has stopped rattling the cage you deserve the shitstorm that I am gonna bring down.The older I get the sharper it becomes. The line gets thinner and my hate more refined so to speak.

I didnt know where the songs were gonna come from this time.I had no idea.I was a burnt out shell.Then I wiped the crap from my eyes and had a good hard look around myself.Fuck! Just walking down King St on any given day makes me fucking homicidal.People and their excuses.The skin that I am in and how much I hate it.Denial all around me.

All the things that I hate and find in myself and how the hot knife SMARTS but ya gotta get that fucker out at the CORE…….

[When he first got me there he looked at all my scars and told me that i was beautiful and thats how I knew what i know now and that it was worth the fear of open arms and exhaling but i still got my gun my gunmygunmygun…………]

Its 3 in the morning and I just woke up again.Had one of those weekends that I gave up on everything.How is it that I will be in LA in a month? It just dont compute.I cant bring myself to tear my room down yet again.A life led in boxes and storage.I am in for the long haul.

I try to see as little of my band when we are not playing or on the road.I guess its because I know how tired of myself I get and how much they dont need the day to day reality of me.

Going back to alot of places is gonna be really strange.People are so dumb…guess what? If you fucked with me a year ago? 2 years ago? Hell! A Decade ago you are still unforgiven and yes,I still fuckin hate you so dont buddy up to me now and think that its gonna be cool.Its never gonna be cool.My shitlist is etched in stone…….

Everthing they love you for in the beginning?

You know the rest.

So ,I have not been out.Have not seen anyone.I tend to do this as it makes it easier for me to slip away.Good to know that I will get a little more summer into my life this year.Untill then its all about the hustle and the ink being pumped into me.At fucking last.

There is so much that I want to be putting across here but I cant seem to get it together.Why? Hell,I got a million fuckin reasons on that front. Wish that I was sleeping at the right times.Went over and recorded with Pointy the other day.Strong stuff.I will never be able to articulate how much I dread the process.Its double or nothing since the Canada debarcle.I am hoping that LA clears the slate for me.

No one in my band gets me so I stopped trying to explain.Its not worth it.I have no idea what is worth what.But I am on a steep learning curve and I am more restrained as time marches on so what the hey.All that matters now is the great music that we make together.And we do.

Deluxe is working as a homicidal truck driver,Mikey delivers Pizza and teaches drums,Ash never works but always has money for coffee,drugs and beer.I know,I cant work it out eather.

In the year that I have been back in hateful whore like Sydney I have seen Blackie maybe 10 times.Life just going and getting in the way.Miss K and cat have done a bolt from the Crown St shoebox and landed up north,Me and monkey seem to rub each other the wrong way so I dont bother,Gooch in AZ,Toddski in NY battling his shrew of a wench,Leeroy is rebuilding and I miss his soft company almost always.

So all in all no one is gonna really notice that I have gone again.

I dream of the coast and the still nights heart pounding over the dunes.Fuckin hippy.I write lists of what I am gonna pack [sweet fuck all],

You know,All the boys that were once my mates and insperation,whom I looked up to….none of them came true.They were the “Big” guitar gods and scene kings and they all gave up and had kids and shit.I would rather fail knowing that I tried than ever settle for second best.We bump into each other sometimes and all I can feel eminating from them is a sad resentment.They always know exactly what I am up to as well.Funny that.In me wanting to become the boy I could never be I became the man that they wanted to be.
Aint life a motherfucker?.

Strange the way shit works out in the end.

I will get back to y’all sometime.

SF4L
Michele.

Blue jean baby,LA Lady….

-Elton John.

I’ve got nothin better to do….
-Black Flag.

I dont think that I have enough time to get this right and I think that I did it to myself.

I wish that I was numb.
Smack myself in the face a million times.Did you READ “The Shining”…Its what Danny Torrance does to his visage with the mallet at the end that makes the most sense to me.

Not a real lot else does.Blackie called me before and said that NZ was a blast.I had just woken up in bad temper and dirty clothes and when he asked me how I was livin a sob hitched and caught in my chest.So how am I doing? Seein men about dogs and trying to get there from here? I see myself in a swag in Robs beachy backyard counting stars and I know that I have to keep going.

Onto my second redbull…hold on…..shake shake shake as KC and the sunshine band would sing…..

I got more ink the other night thank fucking god…..Significant other is a machine.Both arms done within 5 weeks.Ow.I should buy shares in Bepanthan.

Sitting at the Townie last night With BE,Miss Terror and KJ made me ill.I stumbled home muttering and feeling woozy.I cant wait to get the fuck out of this narrow minded burb.Gonna miss my mates but I have a haunting suspicion that in the grand scheme of things that nothing is fucking worth this.

Writing and writing.Blades and killin things.Enemy’s kept close and detractors kissed for their wanton efforts.Trenty poo “Every day is exactly the same….” MMMMMMM! can I get a witness motherfuckers?

A filmclip which is gonna cause me no end of greif.It will be cool.Its For “Gear” miss Annie Canadas fave rave track.
Still trying to get in as much recording with ash before he fucks off to Perth to visit his family.

What am I tellin you here.I was full of wisdom and shit when I tried.Come to our last 2 shows ok?

Who knows when the fuck you will see us again…….

SF4L
Michele.