Sweet is the law which nature brings;

Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous form of things;
We murder to dissect.
-Wordsworth “The tables turned”

One foot in the grave, the other on a banana skin.
-James Pride, Head of Clan Macabre.

Lester Bangs and me. The last of the white Niggers babe.

Got a rather terse email from an old friend. Delusions after too long on the glass pipe why must I keep all informed of what I am up to? I have no obligations. And I don’t like thinking about the fact that some of the people that I know or have known are never going to come good.
The proof is glaring. At 17 they were amusing, at 25 annoying, at 30 you stand on the bow of the “SS fuck it I am gone” and wave a crocodile tear filled good bye to them land locked dry on the dock in the country known as “Back in the day”.

Bye bye

[“After all that I have done for you ” I didn’t bite back as hard as I could. There was no point. Why engage?]

Meanwhile “Back in the jungle” to quote the ever-stellar New York Dolls.

And my heart is pierced by shards of ice, with dirty syringes and rusty bathroom friendly blades, carved like the eyeball in Le chien anderlieu. Kisses to you Mr Dali. The sun compounding my headache through the untinted windshield, listening to a band with a dead bass player from my missed dead city and I see from a great height all the lights in my internal grid that I must snuff out one by one. The electric hum gnawing its way down to a whine as they sigh out like broken hearted baby girls. “To survival.” I think at 120 miles an hour, your hand large and easy on my brown thigh.

I adore you baby with a desperation that will do us no favours but while you are good to me and I am burning this bright, get up next to me lover for I am abundant when it comes to you.

“And you didn’t let me go!” I finished smiling triumphantly. He grinned back like a wolf and said “Its still early days ”

And I sink and I sink and I’m gone.

I am utterly dismantled by longing.

[Like a badge / a loser stance / a toast / to zero romance. ]

It’s the anti-good. The songs that never get written. I really have no idea.

I have left such a gap between the reality of my mental state and How I talk to my few people that there is never going to be any hope of them understanding Me. This is what known in laymen’s terms as shooting ones self in the foot.

All sounds interesting in Germany. I wish that I didn’t feel that what ever mattered in me was leaking out of a small pin like hole by the second. Significant other tells me that I should be happy. That I have done what I said I would do. Sharing a bill with Iggy AND Rollins now and I am dammed.

Am I? How does one tell? Are there marks? A smell? Maybe a weekly support group in a dusty scout hall [“Hi! My name is Michele and I have been dammed my whole life this is my 1st meeting and “] I cant seem to write back to anyone, to touch base.'” TV Party” saved my life at 1 in the morning.

I dreamt that I was writing, that I was in the Cross and the lights kept going out, huge gashes bloodless on my shins I woke up at 2pm and promptly sank.

The house is empty now. I wish that I were the same. Have not trained for 2 days. Hate myself more than you can hate me. Significant other thinks that we are as messed up as FNM.Its all me I guess it’s the way that I allow them to make me feel. Its been going on so long and is so deep rooted that I cant see my way clear of it. It does not hurt, it tends to ache.

Europe next year then, I wonder when the abuse will rear its head? I don’t bite back because it is I who would break it. You have the waver if you were drunk/high. You are forgiven for anything then.

You are a / no talent whore / unprofessional / I don’t need you /

I stood in the dark while he raved, the drum guy sitting by the door astounded Endre? Why did you not press record just that once?

We have to pay off the record and there is talk of release soon. I wont quit. That’s what is expected of me.

With friends like this?.

I wont ask you to excuse me because I am bottom feeding at this moment in time. I wont ask for anything at all. What do I want? Mohawk Bens knife that I salivated over by the ice machine. I want to get up, be larger. Maggie just called and everything I said sound small and tinny like it was coming from a long way away.

I do no know how to ask for what I want.

And I do not know how to give it to myself. I feel too small to be pushy. And I can’t find a reason.

Beauty needs an acid bath and I want an eating disorder for Xmas. I am eating tuna out of a tin as I write this on my bed. I am getting worse and Courtney said that emeinem was not going to save her. Well I know that know one is going to save me either .I am a character part that gets killed in the second act. I am a footnote to mediocrity.

I cant even seen to speak English anymore. I trip up. Too ugly darlin’. No one wants that from you. Now when I say I cant talk I hang up as not to tempt myself into saying the dark out loud.

Lists. My brain demands lists that are sure not getting written. I should be out there but I can’t move. Ross and Ash will think that I am lying. I know what they really think of me and that’s what sears like abusive fire. There is no cure. The songs that are coming to me now will soil me for all time, not that I thought I could get much worse .

You can always get much worse.

Always.

He tells me to think of the things that would make me happy.

Today I quit.

SF4L
Michele.

The head is always fooled by the heart.

-La Rochefoucauld.

R.I.P Dimebag.

Where has that year gone where the hell did I put it? Been listening to Pantera all day. Looking at my tattoos under sweat at the gym. How fucked up can it be? Bout as fucked as getting shot on stage. Still messed up about it. But in terms of the big picture I am residually royally fucked up over a whole mess of shit.

I was unfaithful last night. I cheated in public and id be lying if I told you it wasn’t the best thing I have done in a while. I was all pirate girl velvet and top hats . Significant other has nothing to worry about. I was unfaithful to my BAND. Sitting in with Miss Maggie has opened up so much inside me that had been put down one too many times. We grooved and it was heaven.

I just looked up at the wall.48 days until the BDO and Miss Lilly says that I am a hero for training every day. No, I am a fat fuck up who wants to get it right for a change, No 1 son is as lax in getting to me as I am to him but I have to rope him in this week. Porn and me are printing stickers and shit before Ross gets home some time around Xmas.

I FUCKING HATE XMAS.

My 3rd grade teacher told me that I couldn’t write it like that because “The “X” is crossing out the “Christ” in “Christmas”” Fucking Catholics. The only thing Catholicism ever did for me was gimme an interest in kinky sex and a nun fetish. I think 999 % of Catholics find guilt sexy.

I find pain sexy. At least you know that you are really feeling something. I am going to get around to being my own Tyler Durden and invest in the lye kiss. Just don’t ask me what that mark on my hand is when we meet and all will be well.

I am fully bracing myself for the band shitting on my ideas for the BDO show. I would be having myself on if I were to think positive. More on that when it happens I guess. Looking forward to this last show at the X and then onward and upward, I am going to have to hang round and keep training. Been too slack for too long. Ran into miss holly today while doing my helmet less suicide run down Cleveland st from the Gym. She got a high distinction on the interview that she did with me. She looks very fetching with her new auburn locks .

Miss Lilly just informed me that John Lennon was assinated today and that Jim Morrison was born that and Dime . strange days on the snake upwards to domination methinks.

My long suffering big brother wrote to me about a show in sub zero temperatures in an asbestos ridden squat and told me that he has a pathological desire to train and is envious of my gym exploits. I can’t wait to see him again. I think that we are doing one of The Hard ons supports in Jan. We better be, I have yelled at Dave batty enough about it.

In non-related news I had a really rude dream about Henry Rollins last night. Me the teenager, god! Honestly . and Alice coopers “Im 18” was playing in the background for what ever that’s worth.

Ms Metz and Lill little tiger are coming up from the ‘gong for the last funeral next week, which will be cool. Miss M invited me to hers for xmas.Thanx, but no doll. I think that Jr is heading back to the pile.
I am going to go for a big run and then go and read in the park languidly watching cars full of red faced brats and harangued parental units filled with too much euro fair distinctly unsuited for this hemisphere and temperature, shoddy toys and glitzy wrapping staring at my solitary form with envy.
I gently burp and wave my middle finger as they glide by hermetically sealed in their 4-wheel drive that has never been off road. An honest one-gun salute.

It’s hard trying to explain my stance to significant other. Quel sigh.

Porn just tells me that he has set up some live journal shite on Sydney gothic please god no . The horror the horror.

Summer and nag champra. I wish that I was back at the beach but there’s something primal and dirty about any city in the heat. Not bad at all.

Fuck it. Im going out.

SF4L
Michele.

The roses every one were red,

And all the ivy leaves were black.
Sweet,do not even stir your head,
Or all of my despairs come back.

-Paul Verlaine, “Spleen”

Woke up bitter. Shoulda been a blues singer, all that fixin to die shit woulda fit me like a goddamn glove today. Everyone had a target superimposed on him or her. I swear, I wish I was making this up but I can understand where mass murderers get off right now.

Saw this gaggle I guess you would call it of bovine pregnant women and I couldn’t think in terms of children I was thinking tumours with no social skills, obese, ADD . the chips are stacked and the planet dying and there’s me on my bike trying not to scream or vomit. At this point in my time I view not reproducing as one of my greatest achievements.

I’m not gonna ask you to excuse me, you wanna read you read . The gym was master and confessional today. Sunday on a tredmill.Stunning.Don’t matter how crowded it is NO one trains near me give a shit? I think not. Fuck my idiot friends too. I cant stand my own shit I don’t need yours. I am polite enough at the best of times but there is a rope and I am twisting at the end of it. I do at least 8 stupid things a day and that is an ass scraping bare minium I am sick of other peoples shit. I get some variety going in my stupid action, the self-hatred is always the same but it provides solid bedrock for me to build my tower of spastic babble on where was I?

People who were calling me a “has been” 6 months ago are now writing me gushing emails referring to how far “back” we apparently go and “Could you get me into the BDO?” people are so shocked when you actually tell them to get fucked. Which is what I did on King St today. I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel awesome. It was the highlight of my weekend. I can’t believe I said it but it felt so right.

Something is tearing inside of me. I know I’m not alone, but you have your war and I have mine. All my failures that compound into cold sweat producing fear at the stupidest times. All time feels somewhat stupid tonight. It was funny you know, Miss Terror was spoiling for a fight when we all rolled out to see Area 7 in the most crap weather and I made nice with the Neanderthal that was picking on her while she sounded off. Why I hear you ask? good question . because past experience has shown me that they never fight the pretty girl no, the pretty girl gets of the hook while I get the shit kicked out of me.

I am over pretty girls tonight.

Failures. Today was the day I got married. Good for me right? I told significant other this rather morosely and he laughed. Which made it all shift and drop back into place quite nicely. Did really think that I could do it at the time? I wanted to. Significant other freaks me out. This is the first serious thing I’ve looked at in a long time and it’s messing with me. I never think that I should be with anyone. That I am a black cat bone to those I adore.

Dribble on

Blah.

I want to believe in moments and something good, that you can make a difference but toady I was panicked by my lack of hope. It all looked so fucking pointless. Wanted to throw the merge pile of shit that I own onto the street and set it on fire. Douse the lot. I want to walk always toady. I was thinking how angry I was all the way home. But it wasn’t really anger. I think that it was sorrow with a coldsore and a .22.Like when a fat chick looses heaps of weight but still has a chip on her shoulder. That kind of seething bitter vibe. I fold? I lose. This I know, but what has got me knotted is that I don’t know what the hell it is that I would be losing.

Some game huh? I do want to die on my feet in the field. I shouldn’t have shut up all the times I did. I see the bums on king st and I feel like I am so close to whatever abyss they inhabit. The liberty of really giving up. Anyone can go crazy at anytime Mental Ebola?

Fuck you if you are gonna be useless. I think that is the main angle I am running. I have more than enough useless on my own I don’t need yours. I am hard pressed to know what the fuck I need but let me assure you that a fresh lashing of steaming useless is pretty far down on my eternal list.

Why do I still protect people from me? I found the email I wrote you when I was stumbling after what was left, after you so casually blew it up . you know what? Fuck it fuck fuck you and fuck the fact that a year on I still think that I would get an answer or that it would make any sense.

On ward and upward

It’s hard for me to cut myself off after 3 hours at the gym. I dream about beating you to death.

SF4L
Michele.

Like a dog without a bone

An actor out on loan.
-The Doors.

Already too late, too late. What harsh lives we lead.
-Helen Garner.

Disaster beckons me.
Wants to get inappropriate with me, have relations with my somewhat desperate battered unattractive self. I want to take something large and blunt, beat myself in the face until my features forget themselves. A car accident.
The train jumps the tracks, there is water,there is darkness, there are hours of no reprive, of lying in agony, feeling myself get leached away from it all.
Self-abuse is no longer large enough baby.
I need an act of god. If I survived tonite I would have no grace or gratitude. I’m not that kind of girl.

My J.Cash Tattoo is next.

Covered in godamn fleabites due to the fact that I am doing all the laundry that has not been done in a year. A bum has gotta pay their way some how. If I rolled my eyes anymore at this point in my life Id fall over, a balance thing I believe. And of course the week that I am left to tend house all the fish go crazy and decide to kill each other. If you want the demented visual? I am yelling at the tank in the dark. In hotpants and a ratty Ministry tee shirt. And I think the catfish are cunts and they did it. Tigerfish on the bottom of the tank with its heart ripped clean out. Fat Tony is laughing in the other tank.

How sad is my fuckin life that the fish consumes me?
Bah.

Got given a cool new watch. Thanks Mr Jay Blurter.Funny how you know “of” people forever and then you meet em at the right time. He gives me all the right kind of grief and I like my life here at times and I guess that’s all you can ever ask for. Right?

Nah .

That’s a lie. In my dark hours and endless travels I ask for heaps but its none of your fuckin business right now.25 years since Back in Black came out and now I can never think of AC/DC with out thinking of Beltsy and I know that KC In Raleigh cant hear Skynard and not think of me. Music, Scent and electricity shall wield the sword of my somewhat sticky undoing I am so sure.

So fuckin hot and I am 2 fisting it with tea at 1 in the morning playing songs that make me remember too much by far. By far meaning they will never let me go I guess.

Found a list of all the people that I want to see again. It’s not very long but it’s pretty concise.
Heres to Him
Heres to me
-K-Cobain 1991.

I Knew/That you would never arrive/but my expectation/made me beautiful/even if it was a lie/next time you arrive at me/1st thing I will say is . goodbye.

Doing my head in by fishing in my recent past. Ross has decided that the clip for “RFS” was too cute or something and has now distilled my manga vision down to zero. All the cute shit has been cut out from what I can work out. He and ash amaze me. Pushed me to get out of my shell and work with my despised gender and now that I have done it and done it well for the first time in my fucking life they are back peddling. It’s “Too gratuitous” huh? It’s a metal disco extravaganza staring me in hot pants called “Rod fuckin Stuart”! I mean C’mon???? Days like this I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say fuck it.

Cool breeze just made its way in my window to calm me down.

Got a couple of cool things in the pipeline for the BDO .You are just going to have to show up.

I do not recommend using the foot of your bed for a desk. My back is fair yodelling with pain. And while on the “what not to do” tip file wanking in the bath with too much soap when over tired I almost came and went all at the same time if you catch my drift.

I think that he said that they were all high. I guess that would be about right. I find myself beating off to the flickering loop of the 3 of them in bed together. She reminded me of a cunning animal, long of tooth and desire. She angled her body towards him every pore open emitting lust. I just sat there and breathed it all in. Hell! Half an e and her crazy boyfriend of of town and I would of done her and her friend as well.

I don’t have a life. I just watch everyone else’s and do 80 minutes at a time on the fucking stair master and dream of seeing iggy search and destroy in 55 days.55 times 24 hours

Fuck.

Pornstar has the best theory. Don’t know if I have run it by y’all before but he thinks that after you fuck someone and feel dodgy about it they should explode.Nice.Miss terror is right into this as well and wouldn’t you know it we saw an exploding fuck of mine who ended up stalking me. I am well informed that several AVOS have been taken out on him since then. No wonder I have kept my pins crossed for so long.

Back to Sir Iggy and Rock and Roll ..

Blackie got to meet him on the 1st ever BDO then he gave me MY 1st BDO and now I am onto my 3rd and Blackie is freezing his ring out in Europe with The Hard Ons..Monkey left today. They are meeting up in Paris for Xmas.Rock and Roll loving with out the Lear jets. Cant wait to hear the fables.

Me? I aint got shit right now.A fat ass and a fading tan.

I can’t get it right today. It has taken me 9 hours and 4 loads of laundry to get to the foot of my bed to type this. I was stumbling round Marrickville metro in my roommate’s clothes like Alice down the hole, Alice that’s coming from Miss Terror I am so sure. Lifted a pack of nag champra and went to Woolworth’s where Jasco called me as I was trying to remember the rudiments for this kind of crap. This kind of crap referring to day-to-day living. I was walking into people and bemoaning my lack of net connection at home at the moment.

Poor fucker listened to the told and me that my bass player seems to be in high sprits and I was all butthurt that he hasn’t called me.

Back at the gym and aching all the way. Hate my corpse, I tell it so every day. Newtown can go and fuck itself as well. I don’t know man .

There you go, you caught me in a lie. I do know and that’s the agony of it.

Miss Terror has a far more involved life than I do. I have all the structure, she the know-how. It’s a good place to meet in the centre of. The weather has been oppressive and I have been eating nothing but fucking rice cakes. You could stick a Ming vase up my ass and use me as a packing crate.

My life is nothing but old Cds and dread picking. Bloodduster are in the studio round the time I wanted to tour with them and ever since we scored the BDO I have been getting calls from promoters that wouldn’t usually piss on me if I was on fire.

Got to love that.

Our manager gets home on Sunday so I will hand it all over to him. I can feel Ross’s laser eyes burning into me all the way from Europe. I forgot to tell him that we got BDO for a few days as he had given me the impression that he had it all under control anyway.

I try to imagine what I would do with myself if I didn’t do this.

Low clouds and too much rain that’s what does me in. I am just glad to have this week alone. I don’t really get dressed cause there is no one here. Josh sang me “Folsom prison blues ” last nite and I had to hang my head. I returned the favour with Jimmy ray Vaughn’s “Dengue Woman” while the others where on a break. Forgot how much I love playing with people whom can jam. I am not dissing my band but in their absence I am remembering where it was that I came from. I got real quiet as my errant brothers always heaped so much shit upon my humble beginnings.

I really owe Miss Terror and the band for this..

So I was in Newcastle then the ACT for more medical crap and then Sydney again.14 days in one place is starting to look like heaven.

Down at The Sando with Maggie and the sweet claw. That girl is in love with love and I am infatuated with endings. Saw an old friend and regaled him with my year in 20 minutes and watched his jaw drop.

In 14 more days it will be a year since you betrayed me. Hows that lack working for you there? Never told anyone what you did cause I have all the code that you don’t. Like I could give a fuck right now. I am rebuilding.

So I am jamming and I keep ending up at The Townie, that salubrious shite hole in Newtown never quite knowing how the hell I got there. The same faces sadden me. I guess that they are happy there but I want to go and shake them and beseech them to go forth. Into what I really don’t know so I keep my trap shut. I musta changed a real lot. I am pretty salty when it comes to theses parts; coming up to a fractured decacde, more out than in and they cling to the past and look right through me. They look exactly the same.

The eavesdropping is good and my nightmares are so bad right now that I have woken up sobbing. Sleep is not forthcoming so I am Mean Street. I am De Nero, Well, not really, I am riding deluxes old bike around Sydney at 2 in the morning and it’s a good place for me and my recently re awakened long dead heart to be I guess.

I see that we are on a show in Canberra on dec 17th.Nixon wont return my calls so I guess that I wont be able to inform them that half my band is awol till the start of the year. Not that I know. They don’t tell me shit. I got a message from our Producer Rob in LA the other day informing me that faith must be kept and that the boys arrive in LA in 2 weeks.

I think the only reason I am writing tonite is cause I felt like such a space cadet mewling to Jasco trying to find cheap laundry powder in isle 6.

I don’t want to be wanted by my past. By the ones who gave me away I can’t get there. Saint Tina told me that we would talk about it when I was home but we didn’t get around to it.

I don’t know how much I have to say on it all. Took me my whole life to deal with what I had to deal with and I don’t think that I should have to adjust my set because they found me.

Like I’m so fuckin hard to find.

As always I look at all that goes on around me and ask “What do you want and what is it going to cost me”?

Sat in your warehouse with your broken heart and you told me that I was beautiful and I rode home soaked to the skin wanting to heal my few friends and their big lives. I cross the road to the park and smile at the gold foo-dogs outside the ugly house. Gardenias are scenting the wet low summer and sometimes you can get to be more than ok. Sometimes not. You know the deal. I lie on the grass by the pool and smirk as the local spooky kids do shocked double takes and the bold ones come up and say hi, ask me what the band is doin. .

This is a load of ass and I have to go and get that rotting tigerfish out of the tank before the fucking crayfish totals it. Rock and roll so exciting non? Training day tomorrow and I am paying for all my sins don’t y’all worry about that. SF4L
Michele.

…………………………BIG DAY OUT -2006- ……………………….

70 days and I will be caged by sound in the summer,the sun dive bombing into the horizon the salt of my efforts bitter on my lips.I will be a dervish and a devil till I fall apart.Thin skin, hatred and desire.And knowing me a fair dash of self doubt and wanton stupidity.

So glad that y’all gonna be there taking the ride with us yet again.

What can I tell you? Until I don’t? Well,I love my fuckin job.

The boys are gone I am still picking the sand out of my dreads and trying to work my new laptop.All hail the Luddite with Tech wings…or not its up to you.I would be in the water and I would close my eyes and see the two thugs behind the fence at the last all ages that we played scaring the spooky kids ,big behind their gun and crude demands of underage sex and insults.I don’t ever question why I could live in a cave,why I could drop out for good….

Ash left the MD4 at home so it was a punk show in every sense of the word.I miss playing already.I wonder how they are out there.

If I get to meet Sir Iggy I am gonna fall apart.

Fuckin hell man! My 3rd BDO ! What a fuckin brat! My thanx to y’all as without you I don’t get to do this on such a large scale.Its 9 in the morning and I am up and running on nerves I think.Michael stormed into my room where I was sleep deprived and inhaling a pide with my equally as blurry but ever dashing significant other.

“BIG DAY OUT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!” he bellowed.

Would have loved to see the look on my face at that moment.Knew it was on but it spanks me like a hammer to the head more as the days roll on and its sinking in.Ever styling I turned to wonder boy and asked him to be my date.Then I gave Mike a hug that would have crushed a lesser man.

I cant belive that my reality is so …nice?…yeah….right now.I was reading back over this time last year donut driven and depressed.I still had not even begun recording on Sicksence.I was a mess.And now this? Just goes to show its Always worth sticking around to see where the fuck you could end up.

I am gonna end up on a treadmill listening to Vulgar Display,that’s my deal! Fuck!The eternal curse of the lard ass.

No more candy.Boo.

Got a heap of things that I want to write about back under the flight path once again.Don’t think that its anything that needs to be told rather just the airing of the conversation that goes round in my head all the time.Flew out of bed after having a dream involving Denise Richards in my parents bed.Not a bad way to start the day besides the parents bed bit.The world is waiting for my applications and movements outside the matt black front door.Skoota wrote me form NZ and I am lucky that the net is big and catches only the best fish.

That don’t stop most of the people I know from being totally fucking insane though.Beatings and drinking and I don’t know man…One of my oldest friends questioned my cold loyalty.I almost sprung from the couch and smacked him.Me forever sober and the bad guy ,Him drunk and swaying and we had never disagreed like that.His empathy will kill him under the ministrations of others misery and my coldness will leave me alone internal regardless of any surrounding heat so all in all I would say that we are all fucked because I cant see the half way point….

Is that why I do this? To see it in front of me? That its easier to read it? That its not as bad when I can dissect it?Cant save anyone.Cant dip in like the hand of god and pluck you out….Humans to be cursed with stupidity and longing in equal measures for all time.

The shack on the beach as always was a fucking godsend and Jr and I unwound fast and easy.I am a patchwork of different tan lines and sun propelled contentment.Well,until I am not.

Delux is in Europe somewhere in Converse and a Pinstipe suit.I will send this to him along with all of the goodwill that I can muster.I must be the perfect person to be away from.Guess that I should throw my rotten corpse in the rain room and roll the fuck out.

Here is to your astounding life and living as loud as possible.
Chin chin Motherfuckers.

SF4L
Michele.

As always…

…the thought of leaving this place now that I am here seems absurd. Somewhere in the bowels of Sydney international airport as I type, Ross and Ash are all angles through the customs gate back out into the world and I sit here on the coast on my new laptop hoping that I make the grade in their absence. Working on my tan line and eating hard green apples.

A laptop. A Luddite living large. Thanks Delux.,he got it for me and hour before I was due to leave on this trip with my baby brother. Filled it with 5 years of our collective band life and told me to do my worst. I am floundering in the deep end now. But on the more immediate level the salmon are running and I shall be standing suitably wind swept and Hemmingway with a big rod in my hands [get your minds out of the gutter] round lunch. Then all I need is a bullfight and my day will be complete.

Jr and the Lee fish are unwinding quite nicely, Jr has been cooking and I am loving it. We ended up on the beach 3 different times yesterday and I am looking like a piñata due shifting tan lines

I seem to be hyper aware of cruelty at the moment. I think of deluxe with his “Empty” entry in Uprooted. I think about how we would be livid if we saw someone treat those that we deign to love the way that we treat ourselves am also thinking how much sence to the point of a religious experience listening to Miles Davis is in this place.

I tell y’all what though. Getting quite sick of people who wont give themselves permission to be happy and who smoke so much weed that they never get anything together. My own vacillating depression annoys the shit out of me so I dunno why I must be made to bare witness to others like its some movie of the week. Thank you I will be going now.

Renato sends me involved text messages that can contain anything from Johnny Depps favourite poem to bad jokes. As I walked to the beach I received one telling me “I have been staring at you all day” Renato is our photographer at the moment. He once had an affair with Marianne faithful and I think that he called the new pictures “sassy”.

The single cover was an effort and a half but it’s all done and that’s all I give a fuck about.

Sassy? Jesus. SF4L
Michele.

Im gonna smoke that cone

Im gonna roll that joint
Im gonna get myself real high…
Viva Bris Vegas!!!!!
-Capt. Pointy Mc Assfuk all the way up north.

“Hey! I really like your band!!”
“Cool ,Gimme 2 dollars”.
-Me outside the venue ,1am Sunday.

“I mean” She said “That one cant help growing older.”
“ONE cant perhaps” Said Humpty Dumpty
“But TWO can. With proper assistance,you might have left off at seven.”
-Lewis Carroll,Through the looking Glass.

Im gonna walk all over you.
-AC/DC.
To recap the madness some I have to let you know how little sleep has played a solid role in my life over say,the last two weeks.

Sure,If I was on a private jet heading to the Swiss alps to get my blood changed after a sell out world tour I would nod off in my 15 year old brazillian supermodels arms ,wrapped in the mink throw that Donatella [“Bella! You rock!” ] sent me when I was in rehab and sigh like a soilder but alas….

Its all about ‘duster DVDs on concrete floors and stealing all the fun in the world that is not tied down.Cup o soup and five finger discounts.Friends that belive in you when you cant be fucked.Its the perfect kiss.

Ner ner fuckin ner…..

I have no fucking shame.Thats a given at this late stage.

A while ago Ross drilled me on being “Negitive”….We were jamming and all I could think was that I understood why Maynard have given up on street level communication.I am refuse,I am shop soiled Stained and negitive.But without the negitive the picture is never gonna get developed if you catch my drift here.

I think that it was more about the fag jokes than anything.Whatever melts your butter.

Its more along the lines of stress and weirdness.We did our last show at the Surry hills X and thanx to anyone who came down on a school nite to share the mad love that we have.Good lord! A pit on a wednesday can restore ones faith in the stupid things that transpire to get us on stage before you.Nah,it was really cool and I am glad that we did it.

Ah, the next night I was back again ,broke lookin like a little chica all dolled up for the dooom fest that is the Electric Wizard, Pod Peole, 4 Dead and Clagg show.I didnt think that I was gonna make it due to no funds but Sue and Dave blagged me on the door for which I will be forever in their debt.I think that Doom could play a valuable part in my weight loss action cause I had to go and take a dump 3 fuckin times due to bowel kicking bass.Then there was me and monkey sitting on the hard bit betwwen the cushions waiting for the drone notes like a couple of perverts.Mmmmm…yes….it really works…Bass is sexy.

Got to catch up with Nath from Paint it Black and talk of all things punk and disorderly with him and Kostic out the back.Ela calling from NYC and finally getting to hang out with Blackie in the front row for our beloved Pod People.

This song goes out to Blackie,his daughter and ….Michele.
-Josh Nixon On stage.

Electric Wizard were in a word,Mighty.I think that they played 3 songs but that filled up an hour and a bit.Pods new song “drum and Bass” was great.Cant wait till they do and album again cause I have almost played my copy of Doom Saloon clean.The stupid fuck who lives out the back of the x called the pigs and they shut it down early so we all felt very teenaged-thawted-wanna chuck a riot…Yeah man! Paris 68! burn cars! ….ahem…ok ok that was just me but that had more to do with the sudden shock of the ugly lights more than anything else.

Spoke to Justin from the Wizard and some how got myself door listed on the boat cruise tonite.Go figure?I know that monkey wants to go and I do as well but funds…gack…I gave ross my last 2 dollars last nite to get a pizza at one in the morning after the most bolshie stress fest photo shoot ever.Now that we are done with shows for a while I should really try and work out what I wanna be when I grow up….

Back to fable.

So Dave drives my doom drenched sated ass home and I pack for the fastest trip up north known to mankind.I pack like a 6 year old packs.I end up in the snow in a bikini or on the beach with a hoodie.Fuckin useless really.Check this out…

-Go see doom bands
-Get home and pack like aformentioned 6 year old
-Quasi pass out badly and stressing for an hour
-wake up with a start at quater to 4 feeling like I was slipped a roofie
-Dont pack any more cds cause everyone else will right??? [wrong]
-Take call from drunk signifiant other and wonder how you are both gonna last doing this toomfoolery.
-Get picked up by Ross at 4am in worlds smallest staion wagon.

I have to digress here for a second.Most of this band is well over 6 foot tall ,myself included.Do the math….We looked like a clown car at the circus.

-sally forth to get rest of band.
-coffee in the cross. I go and nick candy for the journey.

[15 hours later]

Blah blah blah…Brisbane.

9:32 am,Front seat.
Hyper aware that sleep is not gonna be much of an option while hurtling down an unsealed back road with Slayer pumped to distotion at a 140 miles per hour with your tired band.After last night I choose to belive that The Bass guitar owns the colon and the clit.This is just gonna be one long fag joke with no punchline.I have 17 dollars to get me though the next 5 days.If I had a gold tooth and a parrot Id be fuckin laughing.Am I laughing? In a word,no.I feel like a fat clown in this car and ive already got my fooprints all over the window.What the fuck is that smell???

Back to it….

To let you know cause I was asked by a sikfuk its kinda like driving from Tuscon to Dallas for one show.Yep,that long.And there is nothing in between.This place is fuckin huge and nothing hammers that point home more than being in a van.

We are on our way! Brisbane rock city on no sleep baybbeeee…I am shot gun and all I can feel is Capt Assfucks bony knees grinding into my spine through the seat.By the time we get to the border the boys hate all my music,not that its my problem cause they didnt bring ANY, although the listening of Elton Johns “Honky chateau” went down a treat.As did the Bob Marley comp that Miss Holly gave me.Forever drunk in the summer,palms upraised shuffling in a backyard to Bob…sigh…Loved those parties…Ahem…I never knew that My bass god had ,for a time played in a Bob Marley cover band.He was the only white guy up there with 12 passionate Samoan brothers the size of small economy cars.He gives a very rousing “Movement for jah people”.I am most impressed.A man of many talents.

50 billion joint and petrol stops and text messages and voila! we are in ginger country now.No shit,We arrive in Budrim,Hometown to the biggest ginger factory in Australia ,David Dean, blind ninja and promoter and the absent and much missed Maxwell.

Drive since 4 in the morning its now 9 at nite and there are 2 bands on before us.Ever notice how fuckin filthy you can get just sitting in a car? Or is that just me? [“What ever is that dirty woman on about?”]

Here comes Mr “I modeled my hair on Shane warne” Manager…
-Ya cant wear thongs.
-C’mon tiger its Brisbane!
-do ya dress like that in sydney?
-Yep!
-Well we dont up here have ya got shoes?Ya can go buy some…

Yeah,real bright blondie…Tell a dreadlocked 6’4 wild eyed muso to go and buy shoes at 9 at nite after he has been driving for 15 hours.A gold stamp and a blue ribbon to you mate.

This is when I turn and look at Ross knowing that we both have shoes but at this point dont give a fuck and I can see the cogs burning out in his brain and what he is gonna do.He gives him an earfull and I snigger like a retard.We put on shoes only to take em off to play.Horror Pa and a decent pack of people.Heads that made it back around from the last time we played including the crew from Moshpit music front and center.

So we all made it back to David Deans place.He is the fuckin coolest.He is Blind and feirce as fuck.A rare breed to be sure,that being a promoter who takes care of his touring acts.
Also one of the funniest cunts I know.
We were pulling out of the drive at the pub where only minutes befre I had been lying on the road telling anyone if they wanted me to move they could lift me…pulling out and Mike says “Can anyone see anything ?” to which David replies dead pan “Nah” Pure gold.He gave us perfect directions back to his huge home and got us all showered and into bed.Real beds…fuckin bliss.
You have not lived till you have had a blind metal head with a foul mouth giving you directions in the dark.Take my work for it.
The Deans are amazing and they fed and entertained us all morning till Dave had to go to Brisbane to get the Hellfest moving.

So there I am,bikini,gut hangin out ,big red flower behind my ear floating in a pool on the side of a moutain in a black innertube reading a Lester bangs book.Does it get much finer? I think not.I just started laughing as the scars on my ears tingled with glee.I question how the hell I end up in these weird situations all the fuckin time.Not complaining at all…..

Hellfest in Brisbane and how people amaze me.
Miss Metzy and Miss Lilli decided to make their way by train from the ‘Gong [“Lemme see your hands Wollongong!”] to Brisbane on the train to see us play.Unbeknownst to me they had hooked up with the No 1# Swedish sikfuk Eric to be there at the same time.Unfucking real.How do you say thanx for such devotion? Fucked if I know.Spoilt me with art and silver pirates booty.And here comes Cheech all the way from Cairns Jumping on stage to sing “Stand” with me at the end of a killer show…Worth more that the sum of all my self flagulating crap put together.

We had not been up in so long but all the tribe came out in force to support us.Melicious and Sir Swirly,Kento and crew,Jen and Timmy opening their arms and door.I passed out under a Pantera flag on Dannie’s bed looking at the photo she has of us from the last trip on her bedside table,Ross on the floor Ash talking shit in the living room and No1# son asleep….Me and Timmy on the bed earlier,voices gone but just playing guitar,just like its always been,the songs that got you to the point of your own songs,bitten fingers on strings and I will always come on home to this feeling… and soooo tired…Me, so glad that I managed to get this far and just easy burnt wanting to keep going….when I see you say the words in the pit…when I can be bigger than my life….

-And a big fuck you to Tourettes! those puppies need to be put on leashes!!!
-Frankenbok ot Hellfest.

And what do you know? Its 9 in the morning and we are out again.Mike and Ross drove while I listened to Kyuss and Jeff buckly,GnR and Rollins live in Chicago drowing in the green outside the car wondering why I dont just walk off the road never to return.That pull in me always…

I ended up being dropped on the side of the highway for a much needed 24 hours in Newcastle which ment very little sleep [The lack of sleep theme? Took me a while but I tied it back in….] and being on the train home at 8 in the fucking morning.Matt S,Style king supreme was on the same train back which made my journey sweet.Ah Sydney…looking out the window onto a ledge at Redfern seeing syringes scatteed like confetti.Bummer in the summer and I look like I have been punched by exhaustion.I am home in the sticky rain to do a photo shoot tonite….

The last shoot we really did was with Miss Annie in Canada and before that the autopsy.Ross has been running himself into the ground to get all done before he leave the country.The single has to come out and I keep thinking that he is gonna explode.So we all rock up and the stress is bullshit.Believe it or not I dont get involved because I am so discusted by the pissing and contritiction laden crap that is being flung.We all got through it and Renato had the paitence of a saint.

He also lit me like a teen dream so as tired as I was we now have the cover for the album and single.Tits ahoy! Too much porn for me at the moment.Gotta get my hand off it methinks.

Meanwhile,Mark Virgo is over in his lair editing the new clip.Its a bit disturbing for me right now cause everytime he sees me he starts tittering manically and rolling on his heels.Tells me that he shuts his eyes and sees my face and I dont think that its in a good way.What a fucking nightmare!.He is going through 5 hours of footage frame by frame to get all the best shots.Vale to him says I.So lucky that we have such a strong and clever pack of mates.He wont let me see any of it cause Ross told me that he was not aloud to.Not fair at all.Now we are gonna have to do the picking of the photos before the weekend as time is fleeting and we are all going our seperate ways…I am terrible when its comes to this belive me…

Got the show on Sunday which is sad and good all at once.I am gonna miss Delux like crazy but I would miss him more if he stayed here if that makes any sense.I want him to find a bit of refuge out there.Hes at the end of the line ,the poor bugger.

Come Monday? Monday I am gone again motherfuckers. I am gone again!!!!.Yes,yes,yes!In the middle of all the shit at the shoot Jr gave me a call and said that he is heading for the beach and as much as I wanna see the Hard ons I wanna fish and surf and shit for a while.Leefish and Jake are gonna make the treck as well and I can see the view now….

Comming back here was really hard for me,what can I tell ya? I make a killer beach bum… and I am gonna take this time by the balls and make it call me “Sir” while I still can.Delux is saying that he will only come home for good tours and that confuses me ,makes me feel less not having him around.People have gotta do their thing…Gotta email PC and tell him about the run that we have been offered up north in Feb. Who knows what is gonna happen after this.I didnt get a chance to record with Ash and the way I am with it all right now its for the best.I need to miss them again and I am sure that they feel the same way about me.Got to pack up all my stuff and go and get down with it all.Pens,fishing rod and fine company.I feel like I wanna be the natural progression of Hunter S, Ted Nugent and Hemmingway.And all in all I dont think that that is such a bad thing but I think that I will give the shotgun tounging and meat eatin’… oh and the drug binge action a miss…Besides that? I’d say spot on.

So,being that I dont want to annoy Ross while he is gone and that it is he that brings Whitetrash to you,I will try and get another one in before the 10th but if I dont? Be cool and all the good shit apon y’all.

Later.
SF4L
Michele.

Talking to myself all the way to the station.

-NIN

Im immortal when Im with you.
-PJ Harvey.

You might suprise yourself….
-FNM.

I should keep a pot of hot oil on the go at all times to dump on shouty junkies outside my window at one in the morning.

Just a thought.

Feeling it all over Me.
The grind.I dont know why I chose to write at times like this [“Cause thats what you always do you self important asshole.” Inner self.] but its better that lying on my bed going mental staring into Steve Tyler’s smoke shrouded eyes burning down at my lazy self from the poster on my wall.Ross and I ran a thousand cirles last nite and I had a terrible sleep so here I am ,awake and online trying to let the world know that my band exists.

Today is akin to pushing a mound of elephant shit up Mt Everest with a chopstick while a pack of angry midgets attempt to set fire to your ass.
Its one of those days when it all seems bigger than you could ever deal with.
And here I sit,weird as hell knowing that I am stuck in a place that thinks that pink shirts with scribbles on them are the height of fucking fashion.Where only the medocre and recycled safe are embraced.On a good day that is a call to arms…today its a reason to put my head on the tracks and wait for thre 6;15 to Redfern [all stops] to make it all go away.

So tired.
-Ozzy Osbourne.

Delux always brings up a million points,all sharp…I can see him so tired and so I am just gonna do my thing and hope that it helps.He said in a recent interview that its about being sold.Am I unsaleable? Yep,I am.
Is that a bad thing.
Hell no.
Destined to be exiles? I dread to think.
Not that it matter,not really,my brain is just farting away and I write on….

Its not the point.I like it when they all sniff around when you are high.We get close to fuck all support from radio.Sikfuks telling me that Rosie wont play us on JJJ.So much for an open minded youth network.Cock sucking pigfuckers.No one wants to take any risks anymore.As for the Metal scene? Jesus! Talk about beating my head on an ignorant wall.There are a few people who have given us a shot but all in all they are never gonna deal with us.
Give a fuck factor?.
Today?
Mild.I thought that they were “Open Minded” Thats why they got into the hard stuff…. What the fuck ever.
Rednecks in band teeshirts.
It feels good being low and venting this shit.Am I gonna sit around the whole summer after we have worked our asses off and pretend that this is not happening? I dont fuckin think so..We have done more in 5 fuckin years than most bands on this scene will do in a life time.And I dont plan on quitting.We didnt rip off some band from Sweden and call the sound our own.We are and will always push it.
You wanna be a fuckin clone? Jesus H Christ, I dont know how you look yourself in the fucking eye.Me and my boys are gonna be here long after you have faded away.

There are a few of you out there who belive in it as much as we do and I need for you to see this as a call to arms.I know who you are cause you didnt walk aways when the going got tough.You see it for what it is.The life line that runs through it all.I gotta tell y’all.I am fucking wrung out at the moment.Still going but fatal.Bored with my humanity with an itchy trigger finger.Can you see it?
Not pretty.
Yawning will cutting heads off…..I am giving myself licence to not care.

Somthing good out of everything one way or another as Miss Debbie Harry would sing.

Its not all bad.Far from it.I dont think that any of it is bad per-say.Its ass kickingly real above all things.Low clouds and my boys in seperate corners and I better do somthing real clever real soon.Fuck,I can hardly reassure myself.Newtown puts me in a bad mood.I text Miss Terror 10 blocks away ,both of us not wanting to venture outside our gaffs, my shaven armpits stinging,I dont look like me in this new clip…

What a gift.Now I am not me….if only we could do it all the time….

I went to the beach the other day and as I sat on the sand with George the blind dog and my mates I got a small sad feeling.The ocean makes you aware of how little you really matter.Kane tells me that nothing is real as we sit up all night talking and I accept happily all the old band shirts that he was gonna use for rags out on the boat anyway.In a rotting White Zombie shirt rolling joints with the TV picture rolling drunk in the background I add to the million late nites on dirty lounge room floors that I have under my belt and look for clues.

Isnt that what its all about?.Patching a picture together with found objects.Frank Black makes me wanna hold your hand daddy and watch the world fall away.I said that nothing felt as fatal when you were around and I ment it.Under your gun I am blooming wet and distance shall not break me on you.I got a thousand red candles waiting for your green eyed return to my side…..

Ash and I.Dont think that he is real fond of Me right now,not the first time..I know that he is gonna make me work like a mule to get back in with him.I hear what we do together and its worth it.
He will drag me over the coals for being distant.Sneer at my efforts.Thats what brothers do to each other I guess.Its always gonna be somthing interesting with us.Two self lothing wankers.Except that I admit it and he dosnt. Radiohead makes my ass ache.

So we got the new filmclip done.As soon as we saw the paddy wagon circle we knew that we were gonna cop it.Delux out the back of Michaels panel van at one in the morning ,his fresh tattoo throbbing sweet talking,Me trying to stash a beer down the side of the seat [?] waiting for my cue to get out of the car…

-We are just doing some filming for our band….
-Hi there!
says me in a Red wig and skin tight everything.

Much laughing and good luck wishes.Ross has gotta be the smoothest dude in the world.The lady cop thought that I was a statue as they were driving by.Once you see the clip you will realize why.

By the time the sun was comming up I was beyond wasted but the 4 of us got it done with as little fuss as possible.I shredded my voice on playback after playback and all the words turned to mush.I had no idea what I was on about by the time we were done.Its like when you say your name over and over.Stripped of meaning and we are all monkeys really.

Thank you Mark,Delux and Michael…xxxx…I finally get to make all my manga porn dreams come true.

So our last show at the Surry Hills X tonite and then in the van and on the way to Brisvegas for a few shows.An all ages in Nov and then thats it.Ross and Ash are long gone till after the new year as far as I can work out.I was gonna do my usual trick of fucking off and surfing for a few months but I think that there is more to be gained by hanging around in the smoke and staying plugged in.I can always pass out in the yard with the dogs when I feel like I have lost that summer lovin feeling.I had it in spades when I got back anyway.Ok,ok…I AM gonna do 10 days out on the water with the Leefish.We need to have a break away and I need to feel the sand twixt my toes for a bit…snigger…I will limit myself to a fortnight….hehhh…

Monkey is addicted to the Buzzcocks at the moment and its rubbing off on me.I am all about the double live G’n’R .The Hard-ons are doing a big Show at the ‘dale before they go to Europe so I will be there having my faith in all that is sonic restored.

I read once that things are always beautiful if you love them,if they mean something to you….So for what its worth right?

Later.
SF4L
Michele.

The worm that destroys you is the temptation to agree with you critic,to get their approval.

-T.Harris 1999.

Unsafe and falling short
Eyes rolling
Knowing
That your fucking out
But so modest
In your stoic stupidity
Some find it endearing
I am not among those numbers.

-The milk of human kindness.[New song.]

Shallow systems/on life support/no energy to abort yourself…..

[When your father died I wanted so badly to still be in your orbit.To love you.Years later I still think of it.Breathless,running back to you.]

March 05′ [not dated]
I am sitting in a crappy cantina on Santa Monica eating food that I really dont want or need cause it gives me a chance to sit down.All the vegetables taste slightly soapy.Its overcast but not so bad that I cant see the Hollywood sign and wonder what the fuck lead me back here again.I wanna buy white knee sox and dress like a chica gangbanger. I think of the way that the musles in her spine seize when she coughs.How I still want to love her.
Im thinking about how I starve while all around me snort their daily diet requirments.I love the things that she says when the relaxants kick her numb.I love that I know that 50 zanax cost $180 on the street,where to get the best coke,where the needle exchange is.Where to go to get the free HIV tests next to Starbucks.
All the information that couldnt serve me less.
And Me with clear vision seeing how ugly I really am,how ugly it all really is.
The first nite I ever had my glasses when I was a kid I snuck outside at midnight and lay down by the dead water of the pool.Waiting to see my beloved moon and stars.What a stinking fucking rip off that turned out to be.Just light.Cold sharp light.No blur,no shadow,no fuckin romance.I realized two things that night.I was gonna get my ass kicked by ideals and that I am a fool.
There is a really ugly print on the wall in front of me.8 steaming horses.I need that kind of strength.
Happy to be alone today.Hail,Hail,Rock and roll.

Back to today,
Cant wait to play tonite.Woke up to early today and I will be paying for it later.Home alone as the lads have headed for the ocean.Its almost 3 in the afternoon and I have been on this thing all day…..

You are dry and stingy.Your company makes me itch.I want to beat you.Wrap you in your polyester life like a meek shroud and dump you in the river.I question why your mild beaten self offends me so much.Short sleaved shirts and ugly ties.I want to hurt you.

I am not the kind of “girl girl” that anyone would save so I attempt to be Errol Flynn to myself.Not protectable.Not worth the fight.There is no reward. She gives fools gold and swoons unconvincingly.Bad bass lines and short skirts….”No one cares” we croon.

I spend lazy mornings trying to sweet talk myself out of bed.The sheer scale of the teenaged flavored bliss of having a room to myself gets me high.My gym membership is gathering dust and I roam around fleet footed in my mind and my friends book collections.Had a rather interesting time back at the family pile and was squired home by my rather stoic and witty younger brother.

Writing short memory blasts as they hit me out of nowhere.My mind is cluttered with crap.Serves me right for reading Kant and Jung before bed.You go through stages when you think that you are astoundingly interesting.This is not one of them.Althogh I keep noticing that even the happiest times are drenched in meloncholy.Fucking writers.To whit….

-I lay on the floor outside the bathroom smoking joint after joint,shrouded in smoke the sun rising hung over on the new year.My lover passed out blissfully in the arms of a waif in the kitchen.Me aware that I would always be too much to be desired in the face of his infidelity.So stoned that I thought that my spine was stuck to the skirting board.Someone had hit repeat on the CD player before passing out and all I can remember hearing over and over was “Theres a riot going on ” By Sly and The Family Stone.

No one held me but we all held on until we didnt.

[Rev Kriss Hades kissed my hand when we ran into each other in Newtown and told Me “Please come,we need more rockstars and you my dear are a legend’ and even if he was taking the piss ,so flattered,I couldnt of cared if I tried.]

Nice when your heroes see you back.

Kids in Slipknot teeshirts yelling my name and the pain that is tring to push my eyes out.Makes my teeth snap like a rat trap.I am still nothing but semi mobile decay.I drempt that I was smoking,I drempt that I was not here nor was I me.

Still trying to levitate the fruit bowl and Missing my Bro and Monkey even though they are just across town.Gets that you are so busy doing nothing….

We [ Delux and I]
are, with Mark the artists virgo flavored help are shooting weird things on didgicam come sunday with the good old “Marbo 2000[TM]”
-Dude its a trolly!
-A dolly!
-Mate! Its a fuckin trolly!
-Yes,but it WANTS to be a dolly hence “The Marbo 2000”.
-Oh!
-Yes! Now you’re with me!
-Cause its all about “The vibe”?
-Exactly!.

All I know is that I feel like I should be doing hardcore cyber porn in my new wig and that is never a bad thing.So I am gonna look like a fat version of Leeloo in the fifth element.There are worse things to do with your time right? Right???

Nothing is ever gonna be as perfect as I want it at any given time so I am juct gonna treat lfe like the mud at woodstck and get it rock flavored all the fuck over me.[Read;Someone is having gym remorse.]

I want to go and make a tea while I sit here and wonder if anyone is gonna show up tonite but we have a rather alpha male rat that thinks that its his god given right to waltz in through the back door and eat the dogs food.To tell you the truth I am just glad that I am sitting here writing.I have been as backed up as our upstairs loo [“I stuck a 5 cent coin in my turd and 2 minutes later I saw it floating in the backyard! Mish,the plumber is commin today….”] I have got it all going on but I cant seem to get to the writing part.

Sydney keeps giving me low cloud cover.I walk around with my eyes on the pavement thinking about my fearless friends in shattered bands and betsits.Sitting in the living room while endless joints fog up the room and the smell of engine oil trails me up the suicide steep stairs and curls around me while I sleep under a borrowed leopard skin doona and have V8 dreams and 385. stock fuel injected nightmares.

Ross took me on a date the other nite.Went to the movies and then to BBQ king where the fat waitress followed me up the stairs when I went to use the bathroom and maybe I am the rock Jesus who has gotta forgive all theres stupid cunts for being stupid….dunno where I was heading with that.Wouldnt be the 1st time.*burp*,scuse me……

I am tending to live my life in cold shapes and wanton hours right now.Really hanging on the summer to fully kick in while I sit here stuffed after eating cold lefteover noodles from the inspired cooking that took place at round one this morning.Toddski has been sending me cool movie ideas that all involve shit and Miss Metz and Miss Lilli and rockin on and seding me pix that make me smile.Can some one PLEASE make me a tea?

I know that I have to start working with Ash [aka: Sir Pointy assfuck Aushwitz Munchausen.] again soon.Its a weird one.I have all the stuff that I wrote on my fat fueled wanna be Big Sur adventure but I never feel like its the right stuff.Metz tells me that I should post all the lyrics and I dunno.I find myself being mean to Ash at the moment but I know from past experience that the second I let him in and relax that he will do somthing so cruel to me that I will question everything.I dont think that he likes it when I am still or even a little happy.I hate to think of the arguments that rage inside him.I know that we are kin like that.Hell,I dont like myself either but ….

Just made 3 cups of tea so I dont have to get up again.

So, in the storage room where all the boxes of my recent and not so recent past hang as deadly as a nest of vipers.Poised….I wanted to see where my head was at at the beginng of the year and lo! That was the last one that I had hoiked into the box.I felt like it was waiting for me.With its religious icon stickers and G’n’R pictures plastered oh so cleverly over delicate rice paper.

I can smell the stale misery every time I open it.And as gross and wrong as it its I have to remember how bad it was cause I cant go back.I would never forgive myself and after the fact it would render me hollow forever.I didnt even view myself as worth saving at that point.A porky shadow trailing around after my betrayer.The love of my life.Does it look easy ? Not having the one thing that I thought was forever still there? Its not.It comes in waves.And I surf on…

I dont think about is as much.I think about all of the good shit that has flooded into my life since I cut the ones who hurt me loose.About roadtrips to Newcastle with delux for tattoos,feet on the dashboard whitetrash to the core laughing our asses off and its all about AC/DC [Just ask Beltsy if you dont belive me…]For all the support that has been given,Blooduster side of stage,Playing loud,The stitch in the back of my ear that the Dr over looked that I think I am gonna keep for luck.Its raining out there now and I really cant be arsed walking back to Crown street……

Had to wash my hair 5 times before the water ran clear.

I wonder what Ross and Ash are going to get up to in Europe? I think that Ash is like a beer induced gremlin.Fine during the day but add hopps after dark and you have no one to blame but yourself.Heleen is keen to push us so I wont say no.I wanna go to Europe.Uber van fuckin allies.I cant wait to play Germany man.Me in my star of david tee shirt and kilt.Perverse is the order of the day dontcha know niggerroo?.Ross has been writing from the dark places that no one wants to admit to.I hope that he posts it.Lists of people that he thinks are worthy of death.I know that I make the top ten on quite a few of those.

So I guess that I may see you at the show tonight.

SF4L.
Michele

He who has stood the suprise of birth can stand anything.

-William Faulkner.

Maybe go out,maybe stay home……
-The Stooges.

Girl,you got no faith in medicine.
-The White Stripes.

Even if people think that you are full of shit at least they are still thinking of you.Evrybody has got their thing,their truth.Sometimes your the bad guy,sometimes not.Whatever right.Talk to my fucking splinter headaches ok?.All the hot red love in the world to my detractors.Kisses with tounges and multiple orgasms.Hell!,70 days till xmas you ungreatful pigfuckers,let me show the love.

If I wasnt insane before I am rolling all the way into the station now with Acid Bath pounding wetly into my every fucking fiber.God plays an SG and didnt put your name on the door……

“I think that you would taste like bongwater and candy.”
“Your kidding Me!”
“Nope…….”
-Last weekend.

Iggy and the Stooges at the BDO.I can die happy!

Just wrote to the firequeen Miss Suzanne in Canada.I can imagine that the weather is turning to shit over there right now and I cant belive it had been so long since I left.Glad that I am not in the snow.That country is like too many downers when it comes to the weather.

Where I sit right now all I can smell is the jasmine mixed with the gamey scent of my million mile converse.Hot love and summer in the city punks….Knew that you would dig the pix last week.heh…

It is all about the road for me right now.I have been all over the place.Listen to alot of the Allmann Bros and Skynard cause thats the way that I seem to be rolling.Think that Saint Tina has seen more of my slow healing ass in the last 6 moths than in the last 10 years,poor woman.

Got my stiches out a few days ago and I have some new sexy scars.I dont think that my Dr likes me much but he is shit hot at his job so who gives a fuck.Still freaks me out seeing how different they look….

Saw a shitload of old heads a the X show the other nite.Jon Devoy is still rockin the free world and we spoke of making much noise together.There are some people that you can always sing with and its gonna feel good and he is one of mine.Porn,Jonnie and Paul Mac dropped in a s well which was cool.I wore my kilt cause I am sick of waiting for Axl to get his shit together and I talked too much.Meh.

Been given the go ahead to start training again thank fuck.That was doing my head in [no pun intended] Have a backyard to lie round in too.All good.

Thanx for all the mail and shit.I am trying to get back to y’all so gimme time.Brain keeps farting…hope that I am there for you as much as you are for me, you quality motherfuckers.

Things are fading and I am open to new power.For real man…I knew that being fucked up was fucking with me but untill I got those stiches out and lifted a bottle of patchouli at the markets today I had no idea quite so much.Which goes to show that the visuals can fuck with me just as much as the emotional which is somthing that I needed to learn.

Keep an eye out for my playing Nick Cave To Miss Terrors PJ Harvey come early December and in more sonic news I am playing Bass For Special Ed.Dont ask me how I got into that but it should be loud.And Crap.Monkey is the killer front man.I am gonna be the untalented Krist to her effortless Kurt.

Went up to the studio and got a preview of the new Hards-ons stuff.Un-fucking-real.Bar none.I bow.

Sydney is not tooo shabby right now.I have a lair and lots of cup o soups and mates who feed me.Writing is rather slow going I am still trying to sort though all the shit that I wrote before comming home.I drop lyrics in my spirax’s and thenhave to dive back in and dig em out which is not much fun.

Saint Tina took me out to her storage place so I wont have to keep wearing the same fuckin clothes for another year.Thank christ!As I type I am wearing the Twisted Sister T shirt that Sweden gave me before I left…Ohla! And my Venom T….the list goes on…! Joy!

Had a fuckin ball when Duster came up the other week and I must thank the lads for taking such A-1 care of me and the monkey.Love bein on the door.It was hell cool standing side of stage at the Metro watching the faces of all the confused Bodyjar fans.The Northcote crew were in fine form and we ended up in a stripclub so it all worked out a charm.Remember;Mates are mates but aint no one gonna buy you an $85 lapdance baby,no matter how many times I asked…..

What else to report?Ross and I are doing the film clip this weekend I think but there is also a roadtrip to Newcastle to get Deluxes Bulldozer tattooed on his buff gut before he fucks off to Europe.Its a pirates life indeed.I have no idea what we are doing but its fun and smells like petrol so who gives a shit right?

Comming up to Brisvegas for Helloween.Nice nice Nice.Makes up for having to pull out of the last run.A thousand pardons..

Leefish just got here so I will see y’all later.

SF4L
Michele.