Wake me up when September ends.

-Green Day.

Im worth a million in prizes. -Iggy Pop.

This is all gonna be pretty all over the shop as I have been meaning to get here sooner so I dunno how easy it will be to follow.Sick of veiled blogs and such so lemme set you on the right path before you dive into the linguistic shit pile that is Whitetrash….

My health has been shot to shit for a while and that finally landed me in Hospital.Its all lookin good right now so I am happy there.Dr’s dont like it when you ask if you can keep evil things that they have removed off your corpse.I was serious.I wanted to make an tumor and scar filled snowdome.Tissue ,glitter and formalihyde.Every home needs one.

Its a good feeling,feel like I am on the verge rather than the edge for a change.My head is all stitched up rather well.Think Frankenstein.Cool.

When your health fails? Oh brother!…I just want to get back on the horse now.I have been feeling so low for so long .I think that you get to forgetting yourself and I could see myself getting smaller every day.Had a real run of bad luck and betrayal on top if it all which served to compound my self hatred and misery rather spectacular mannor, so as you can imagine this is a good move for me.

Recovery is a pain in the ass for sure but what can you do?

So here is the fable thus far……

Stopping and starting trying to write and failing.I am just glad this week has flown by as fast as it did.Back to the smoke real soon and the commuting back and forth for dodgy health capers.

For now its done with and for that I am greatful.I am gonna make a tea and attempt to fill you in on the last few weeks or however the fuck long its been.

Passed out in Metzys bed under a poster of my band.A cool feeling indeed,I had a really good time in the ‘gong.Needed to have my mind taken off my mind so it was a sweet deal.Played a few cool shows and I dont know what it is but signed heaps of stuff.Jom,Metz and Lilli making it all go the extra mile and for that I thank Them.White tigers and yelling at the football.Gold.

I get to hang with all the right people if I let myself.I gotta remember that…We sat on the bed and looked at all their artwork .They put themselves so far out there and I end up getting to be a fan in return.They run circles around me.

We were talking about the whole writing angle and I said that I dont wanna be so cryptic with the whole thing,I wanna a take a Truman Capote pill.They all drank Vodka and let me relax.Outstanding.

I road shotgun home with Ross,Ash in the back seat arguing with himself at a hectic pace,laughing with my stomach crawling,Falling through the front door at Miss K’s,somthing like 3 in the morning Ross wanting my Buddwiser Bikini for some photo shoot,We said our good byes [“Michele! I am gonna wash it!”] and then Miss K sprung into action and didnt let me think as we picked through my hair and waited for time to roll on and take me home.

Cant remember a fucking thing about the trip back.Curled up best I could under the army coat of doom and flaked out to a stunning degree.Voila! Theres Saint Tina.It will forever be beyond me why she still likes me,not complaining just curious.

[Lights are so bright and I want this looming outcome but I dont wanna be here….]

-Is this your full name?
-Yup.
-Date of birth?
-Yup.
-Are you allergic to any medication? -nope.
-Do you have any questions?
-Yup,if God is a woman what kind of underwear is she into?

-Conversation with orderly at the doors of the theatre.

[‘God! Why are you trying to be funny???This is so fuckin real!!!Breathe….and keep ya fuckin trap shut……]

-Good morning Michele! No drugs for YOU and we have decided that we are not going to knock you out for this,now just lie back and……
-woah…WOAH!!! Back up a second here!..WHAT!??? I am gonna feel this????
-Its going to be just…
-JUST FUCKING WHAT!!!!…ect ect…

[There is no god and it serves me right for fucking myself up when I was young and even more stupid.Note;Coke fucks with your heart and then when you really need drugs? No dice.Self inflicted.No pity]

So I am making deals with myself as I lie back on the table.6 in the morning puffy and dehydrated.I hate fucking hospitals.Its a given.All my facial pericings taped down and the radio in the corner is playing “Superstision” by Stevie and you KNOW I gotta laugh as I try not to look at the hand getting closer to my head.Pain like I have never known as needles that felt as big as trees,pound ,citric and burning through angry tissue.

[……….getmeouttaheregetmegoneohfukfukfukmufukinheartnoc’monyoucandothisfukfuuuuukkkk.]

Too aware on the table and I beg them to cover my eyes,hearing the scalpel taking away from me,my head sounding like a bad peice of steak and I am just prone there ,stunned.I can feel my legs jumping and my Dr above me.Blood running down the sides of my neck,Voices over me, the meat.

And then it was done and I was being asked about my Tattoos by the orderly who dumped me in a wheelchair to take me back to Saint Tina looking like I have got 2 maxi pads strapped to the side of my head.

Look, all in all after the last year and the way I have been feeling? it was a relief like no other.

I am an advocate of shit that makes you feel small.The local is starting to wear off as we head over to Radiation.I am thinking too much as we walk through the doors….

Its almost church like in here.I look out into the garden and see the survivors like nuns,their heads covered or shaved ,scars in unexpected places tracking pain over the skin.Leaving their evil greif giving proof.

My head feels like someone dropped a fuckin anvil on it but being here now I have gotta laugh at all the shit that has had me worried,this is so now and I see it all,my life, down at the end of a very long tunnel,This is true dialetic living.I am getting measured up to have radiation pumped through my skull.Sorry if I seem a little distracted.

I am telling myself that its all gonna be positive as they peel back the bandages and my sweet Dr asks me how my drumming is going [?] and expresses amazment that I was awake through the whole thing.Head trauma=shite.Belive me.I thought that taking a shot to the head was bad…I digress…..Just trying to focus on the good shit [ “Its over? Its kinda over? They were smiling! thats good right??? No! Fuck They are all on drugs! not telling me….blah blah blah…”]as I go out into the waiting room.

You wanna feel like your life is xmas and the new year all rolled into one?
Spend a while hanging out in the Chemo ward at your local hospital.All these people, no different than you,once vital,surviving the utter indignity that somehow they got fucked over when the dice dropped.
I could smell the tight pain.All the chairs with hours of agony soaked into them with those blankets that old women make folded over their backs waiting for cold tired fighters. The teenaged girl across from me with the fluid soaked brian tumor so large that it was distorting her eye socket and over the whole thing was an mist-like blanket of dignity that left me humbled to about an inch tall.

Everyone just living their lives.Someone fucking with you? Old friend decides to hate you? Overdue bills? Shit job?-Whatever.
You gotta ask yourself,How small does your old life and all that it contains look when you have to fight for any fucking life at all?Think of the single minded clarity that you would have to find day after draining day through all of the pain and fear.

It made me feel greatful and gave me something to aspire to.

So there I am lying on this fuckin table and I have this machine on my head the size of a fucking car and everyone does a runner out of the room which is not the most confidence inspiring thing as a huge door slides shut.I focused on the one peice of jewelery that I had snuck in and thought about the tears mixing with the blood.That this was for the best.Almost passed out but didnt…….

Not feeling as fucked up but I still get some killer head aches.Blackie and Monkey arrived in the rain when I got out of hospital which was the best suprise.I gave Blackie my theory on radiation and how I have been trying to levitate the fruit bowl.He told me that there is usually a cool off period before my superpowers make themselves known.Cool.Monkey and Tina just rolled their eyes.

So thats that for now.We start our Surry Hills wed nite thang this week.Should be cool.Be sure to ask Mikey about his jaunt with The Black eyed peas.Nice indeed! Dunno how Ash is and Ross sounds calm which is good.

Its a beautiful day out there so I am gonna go and get all up in it.
See y’all down the road……

SF4L
Michele.

I shot a man in in Reno just to watch him die.

-Johnny Cash.

My pants are so tight Im like a swimsuit model or something.
-The Hard-ons.

Ya’ll gave me a kick ass birthday and heaps of cool J.Cash stuff.What more could I ask for?

Not that I asked but I know that you know what I mean.
Sorry if my head was up my ass when you talked to me but there is so much shit going on for me right now that the circuit breakers come into play and render me mute at inoportune moments.

So glad that ya’ll showed up.Every show I catch up with more and more of you that I have not seen since I got back and it always gets me lit up.Hearing ya singing back the new shit already is awsome as well.I love it when fuckers take my stage poison and apply it to their small sad make-up smeared lives.Your not that important.And I tend to balance my hate pretty evenly,ie: all and sundry.

You cannot back down,you cannot fuck with me and then suck up.What part of that dont you pea brained fools understand? I am not going away,I am getting better at this every fucking day.I am a fine fuckin wine,I am a custom car,I am gold you cunts and there are alot more people on my side waving my flag.We have got a respect in our tribe that will confuse you till the day that fate chooses to plant you.

I dont give a fuck what you are up to.I am not showing up at your shows or haunting you chat rooms so what does that fuckin tell you?

Hmmmmm?

I am sitting here humming “The Spanish Flea” incase your dumb ass needs thinking music while you try to work it out.

And that is why I am the King.

Eat me.

…………………Back to the killer week-end……………….

I had about 3 hours sleep in total and due to that I spent almost all day in bed.Hell yeah.Watched DVDs all day and msg’ed my fingers to the bone.Jason PC and Delux are sending photos of their cocks to each other and I didnt make it to the gym.

That is rock and roll.

Getting my new ink in Oct and if you are good I will show ya….

Tonite Blackie cooked for me and he and monkey sang “Happy birthday” to me in the Kitchen. Yellow roses too.

Spoilt spoilt spoilt.

But as I sit here stuffed on vegan fare, I curse my dumb humanity.I have had a wicked few days but yet I pick the scab off my slow healing heart.Monkey asks me if I think that I will ever stop wondering what they are up too….it gets better over time,becomes smaller,less, but I know that they dont give a fuck and that I am cursed to give too much of one.

On to better things.The shows you fucks! You make it all so fuckin good.Cambletown Bill tells me that “You preach too much on stage but I will put up with anything for the music!!!” A drunk backhanded compliment if ever I heard one and at 2 in the morning I have heard em all.

I am never gonna shut up.Why the fuck would I?

Hows that full moon treating you? Lord! My crew got mega dog rooted at our beloved 77 the other nite and I have been offered a room of my own for the summer! YEAH! I have not really had a room to myself since the shed in 03’….tooo long. Miss Karen has been amazing and I will still see her at the gym all fuckin day but ya’ll know that its about a matress on the floor and a 6 foot poster of Sir Iggy Pop surrounded by red candles.

Teenager forever? Hell yeah.

Heading home to Saint Tina and Sir Leeroy Fish Divine after we rock the ‘gong so forgive me for being off line again for a while.There is some shit that I gotta take care of,may tell you the fable once I get out the other side.

Just read Deluxes Tattoo…”Michele Always Wins”

Damn fuckin skippy I do.

So this week is all about Miss Karens hair and new house keys.Lord!

Still wanna do some shows up north with Bloodduster.Once the bass players are done with their cock trading I am sure that we will work somthing out.I should get gone.

Later.
SF4L
Michele.

I never wanted it to end this way..

..But flies will always lay their eggs……..
-M.Manson.

That right there is some depressing shite,is it not?

Peh!

A crap day.I mean, the water is fine,The sky clear…….

Just my grumpy ass is in emotional traction.Having one of my “GOD! People SHIT me” days.I shit myself the most.

I just spent a non-productive day in my bunk.

I ran till my legs turned to jello last nigt and it all caught up with me.I think that if I did not have the gym at the moment I would be throwing rocks at cars…Ross and Mikey are jamming all the time.They are hensforth to be known as “The green Stripes” They rule…I like sitting on a roadcase in the dusty shed just feeling the bottom end pass through me.Ash is down stairs writing his ass off.And me? I am just trying to stay out of everybodys orbit I guess.

What do I think of when I am pressing weights……

I think about my blood at first.Rushing,unsteady, picking up speed to boiling point.Then when it starts burning, I see faces.I see situations.I am a sweating Orsen Welles.Rebuiding the film of all my betrayals, lovingly, frame by frame.All the hurts…I drag them out.I pull them behind Me.I carry them like a cross.And it fuels me.It flashes before me and I keep going.I go from Gangly and unco to pounding through a jungle.I cant see.I am in my own loop.

And it is there that I finally mean somthing.

It is there that I exist.

I am king.

And that, Charlie Brown, is how you burn off 5 hours a day……

[Jack of all trades master of none.Honking surburban wankerites.Sigh.]

I dig watching people at the gym though.I make gnarly drooling faces at the little girls who stare at me in the change room.Little fuckers.The old Sicillian women nod their head in approval at my armpit action and the Chinese women dripping with jade sound like wild birds chattering in the steam room.

I dig living in a place where everything is written in French.I have about as much culture as a tub of low fat dip at the best of times so I feel elevated…kinda…not really. Still cool meeting foxy chicks that sound like Peppe la pew though….

Vietnam dude has not been to the gym this week.

I have been meaning to tell y’all about Him.He was never in Vietnam I am sure,Too young.But you know those dude that look like they should have been? [ “You dont know man…YOU werent there!!!”] Well,thats him.He has got these totally burnt out eyes and does the equivilant weight wise of bench pressing a small european sports car with one hand.I keep expecting to see him dart in,and he darts,with a string of ears around his neck.He puts a strap around his HEAD for christs sake, and does weights with his neck!!! You gotta see it to belive it.

I wanna yell “INCOMMING” just to see if he dives….

What else?

I like jumping in the pool and watching everyone else jump out.

Delux call the aqua aerobics classes that hinder his lap time “The mongolid minefield” which never fails to crack me up.We are a nightmare together.He turns me into a real bitch…not that I needed much help.

Meh.

!0 hours in the bus tommrow through the Rockys [“Hey Bullwinkle! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my ass!!] all in the name of rock and roll.Sweet.If I had it my way would play every night.

Got the shits.People suck.

[“How are you today?” “Breathing”…….]

My options are…
1] Blow somthing up.
2] Break somthing.
3] Pick a fight.
or
4] Go over to the park,wish I still smoked and watch the squirrels being puke worthy cute untill I get so hacked off with It that do somthing……

Dont get none on ya.
SF4L
Michele.

Is there no standard anymore?

-Pantera.

I will always love you….
-The Cure.

It is what it is.What more can you ask for in the long run?…The word is that Ash is heading to London for a few weeks in Novemeber so catch the shows while you can as all is gonna be left of where I was standing a scant minute before is a little puff off acme style cartoon dust.My tan is fading and I miss the beach.Yep,you got it…a month of sun and salt this way comes.

Then all the summer shows will roll like sonic waves. Picture me listening to Janes Addiction and scratching the salt out of my dreads and there you have it.

Toddski is all about the Hot monkey sex and memories in NY right now.Never think that your emails dont reach out and touch me in places that I dont bother washing.I worship all my pirate mates.Mr S on the border who tells me that he is working his way through all the years of whitetrash.Mr cynic saying hey at Bondi,Miss Amy dreamlet…

….you are all fuckin stars.

I am such a blagging cunt.I nicked a pack of nuts for Ross and here I sit throwing em in my cakehole as he does joints on the lowdown in lounge.

Stevie wonder and Bob marley…erm…Sisters of Mercy and pantera as well….My disc man is attached to me all the time.

Didnt wanna write yesterday.I listened to alot of my beloved J Cash.Got taken out to lunch by a smooth motherfucker who is messing with my dirty atoms somewhat.Bah! headshy freak.

I find my self at Deluxes monster gaff after dropping guest vocals on a new Mzannthropic song.I made a tool of myself but it sounds sweet.I found a love letter in a dumpster and am now waiting to go to Club 77 to take pix so I can get a story happening for our next epic filmclip.

I feel like we are all on some kind of sexy poverty stricken vacation at the moment.No complaints.furious missles being sent back and forth from Cali…MmmmmMMM!!!! Gonna be so cool.We had a good jam last week and knocked through all the trax that we have not been doing live yet and they sound good.No complaints.

Leeroy had the most bullshit weekend up here with the tribe that began with losing his wallet to kicking in his front door when he got home…poor bugger… buy him a brew and ask for the fable…worth the price of a beer.

Let it be known that I still roll a brillant 3 paper joint.

Been training all the time and not writing enough.I have a bitter vein running through me that I would rather not tap at this point as it is all comming out too “Samey” not what I need right now.Doin that thing when I walk around listening to one song till all hours thinking that my life is a movie that only I can hear the sound track to.

Sin got me hooked on a band called Snake River conspiracy when I was living in LA.Its all about the Cure cover.Owch!

Gotta go.
Later
SF4L
Michele

I think about you too much….

-Message sent 3 days ago.

It’s all too much right now which leads me to believe that it is never really gonna be enough.This is a short sad rant from the net cafe on the corner of crown st with little money.

Lets shear it down….
I am not that important,nor are you.

Breathe.Feels kinda good when you look at it like that huh? Ya gotta excuse me I have not trained in 3 days and my levels are shot.I don’t look like Mr Pitt in Fight Club yet and that is not acceptable.

Ended up a 77 till all hours with Lee who lost his wallet.Told a Russian gangster that I was a hermaphrodite cause I wanted to get into a fight so bad….soooo bad…..Told him it was 8 inches long and that I was never alone on a friday nite.

Too much grief around me,people telling me that I am too blunt.Not everyone is gonna come good in your life and letting go is arduous to say the least.

Still love the shows.Not writing enough.Good things this way come I tell myself.
Why does everyone give up so easy?.
managed to offend all comers at Bondi, too much to go into here….
I shoulda stayed at the fuckin beach.

Blah blah blah.
buy me a fuckin coffee.

SF4L
Michele.

Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her,

If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry “Lover gold hatted,high bouncing lover, I must have you!”
-Thomas Parke D’Invilliers.

Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with?
-The Buzzcocks.

Bet Keith Richard doesn’t have to go to the fucking IGA after playing fucking Wembly to compare fucking prices on fucking homebrand soymilk……
-Journal entry. In the van, 4am leaving Melbourne.

Find myself forgetting.Tonite I cant remember beauty and it slays Me.I itch all the time and that leads me to think that I am allergic to myself. I am thinking if I make it through the next decade even 40% intact its gonna be a fucking event and a half.

With cake.

Think about them gone. Thin and coked. People tend to up and dispose of each other. My friends from AA write me from the jungle. My city underwater.Toddski writes me from NYC and says that he is sorry.Saint Tina expresses relief that I did not buy the house I wanted there. I hope that my friends made it out Ok.You think that you should pray or something at times like this but you know that God is not listening……

When I sleep I dream and it’s kicking the shit out of me. You were giving me a Motorhead tattoo and come hither eyes. You voice rides bareback. Your voice carries a blade…..

Nothing left here for a thief like you
and I like you
God help me but I do…..
-“Rod-fuckin’-Stewart”

Fear can be quite arousing if you a pervert like me……

Speaking of perverts,Skoota the NZ Sikfuk supreme met Ron Jeremy. I am green bro! Skoot is a bonafiedhardcoremotherfucker.He came out to catch our first two gigs back. Star.

Been fucked over?
Need a bit of faith in divine comeuppance?
This ones for you……………read on.

Gotta tell y’all about this one….Back in the hey day of The Ranch I was up for sheltering fellow punx and assorted fucks from round the world. Breakfast was never boring…The NZ contingent spat up a skater who I thought was pretty cool so in he moved. Jim Greico deck and the like. Anyway he turned out to be a blagging cunt who sent me a horror email after bailing without paying his way telling me what he thought of me…cheers ya fucker.

Fast forward a few years and he has the gall to want an add on myspace.

You were a bitch then K and you still are .Go fuck yourself.

The best revenge is living well.

So I guess that it’s going something along these lines….I am at my big brothers place, He is at work and the beloved monkey is passed out on the couch. My dreads still reek of the beer that Cameron poured over my head as I gave head to Matt-lo’s guitar ala Bowie/Ronson and that was before I got bit on the face in the pit by some drunk who grabbed my fist before I had a chance to swing and punched himself with it doing all the hard work for me.Stellar.

I love going on the Road with Blooduster.

Feeling burnt today. Met up with Leeroy,Miss Karen,Number one son and Miss Lex for breakfast. Much gossip and strong coffee. Lee and I snaked up Crown street talking our eternal shit.[“you cant have a car chase with OUT banjos playing dude, its an insult to the gods of V8….”] He got me the most awesome jacket. A real Seattle special. And listened to me blather on about how I want to buy the old Bentley bar and change it into my cult HQ cause god only knows that a girl has gotta have goals. It was raining and I got a bit broody.Meh.

Had the best fucking time in Newcastle. I got to have one of those “Ugly duckling does good” peak Hollywood moments when I got to go onstage to do “DFF” with Bloodduster.I ended up on my back covered in Tony and Matt.The crowd were killer as well and I was stoked that some people came out to see us [hey Melanie with the Mohawk]….. does my blackheart a world of good.

As you can imagine it was all pretty sordid so I will give you a beat poetry version of the weekend without naming names. Pull a cone as then it may make sense.
I doubt it though.

Till the wheels fall off
for gods sake don’t drop your pants again
Green jager bottle means go motherfucker
pizza makes you shit
and porn makes you happy
sure I will sign your hand
a home invasion
a metal pipe to the head you say?
Ole!ole!ole!
Can’t love you if you don’t call me within the hour
fried food and
was yaw always a girl?????
depends, were you always a stain
delux telling me
that I am gonna get beat up again
Sammy and his broken heart
as Pc does the fat guy jump off the drum riser to make me laugh
Me and monkey side of stage
and encores make my heart go like a bomb
Bizzos and I rant
bit on the face
beer all over and Pc gives great motorhead
Miss Karen on the desk like a pirate
Stat rape of Anthony on stage
Hash cookies and call me call me
A message before I go on heart shaped shit pink bubbles.
Leroy king of the fish 3 weeks surfing coming up brother
Miss Amy the dream let
Evan, you will go far
Crack smoked off tins
7″ singles
you did what to your sister???!!!!
nah! Smell it!

…………………and it all went to 11.

Thank you.

This place is so cool. I can chill here. But I got issues dolls. And I aint talking bout the Korn album….Nah,just these impulses that tell me to lose it. I was on the crapper before and The shower screen was begging for my fist or my head…do ya ever?

Did a totally perverted photo shoot with the divine Mz Terror of Mzannethropik.That woman can get me half dressed and blurry before a camera like no other. Not to sure what half the drivers on King St in Newtown thought about copping an eyeful of my ass poking out from under the bottom of a black latex chong-sam.And me swearing like a trucker…gold that.

The pix came out like a dream and there is no one else that I would rather have tying me to a bed and mounting me like art with a ball gag wedged in my gob.A sultry way to spend an afternoon for sure.Its all in aid of smut and the fact that we are doing a show together at Bar Broadway on sept 17th.

Me and Dee-Dee Ramone have the same birthday.Cool huh?

Been lucky enough to be on the door for everything since I got back into town. There is so much hot shit and Now that No1# son has lent me his pushy my fast shrinking but still epic ass is burning all over the place. See ya at the Landsdowne for Nunchukka and the mint chicks on the 6th.I am out all the time.

Monkey just scraped her ass off the sofa and off to bed.Alot of hangovers in out tribe today.I don’t even try and call Ross [aka-The magic number/delux/The champ/the reason/Nigger-roo…etc etc…]after a few shows in a row anymore. Phone is off. He was described as “A junky rock star deviant” by a not so happy lad the other night, which you can imagine, had us both barking with evil glee. You can bust a nut for a lifetime for such kudos. Sweet.

Ahhh.before I forget I wanna say sorry to all the Brisvegans who have written me.You know that we wouldn’t pull out without a good reason.Didnt want to get ya up the duff….We will see you a month later and the wait will make it sweeter.

I am “Dog rooted” as it is known in our camp.My spelling is turning to shit and I need to sleep.
Later
SF4L
Michele.

For my silence now.

-Fracture.

Where most of us will end up there is no knowing, But the hellbent get where they are going.
-James Thurber.

Long time no nothing fuckers!
Hope that this finds you well cause it finds me being a total scabby tanned rock pig.Cheers.Did ya miss me?I missed the shit outta me and that, gentle reader is why I was gone for so damn long…….

Bring on the summer.

[“I am not gonna let you put yourself in a position where you could be hurt,not now man” -Leeroy in Melbourne.]

Before I bore y’all to death I want to concour with my beloved Bassgod…It IS all about him.Always has been and always will.

And I know how goofy [“Duh Nigger-roo!”] I looked side of stage watching Bloodduster at the Hi-Fi in Melbourne on the week end.At least I was ON the side of the stage suckers……

Been a while huh? I feel like a holiday uncle.It could not be helped and you were warned that I had to go.I am at Blackies house banging away as I am so broke that it is the only chance that I get to do my laundry and access a computer.Ah Sydney! Relentless whore of this country.I am being taken care of by my few and tearing out great shows with my band.Being this close to the bone makes me feel sharp and feral ,not such a bad combo.

I ended up living in a fishing village freaking out all the locals for a few months.I am longing for it now but even the blessed Saint Tina has told me to get in the van and rock so I am getting on with it.

I am so tannned that the band tell me I am the color of tandorri chicken.

So I ran and fucked around at the beach daily.Talked to myself alot [Highly recomended] had a few mental nights where it all came apart lived on dried mango and wrote my ass off.Heaps of Black Flag and Fleetwood Mac.Read alot of Henry Miller and fell into the whole “Big Sur” vibe a million miles away from California.

I think that its the first time in my mottled existance that I have been nice to myself.Wrote alot of letters.Some just to write then forever unsent and some to touch base.Went through a real lot of stamps.

Lots of sunsets……

Fell at my moms feet for a few days and then landed apon Miss Karen who has sheltered me with her cat clunky on a king sized futon in Surry hills ever since.

The New album is perfect.

My heart is still black.

Bench pressing 120kgs and spend my life in the gym cursing my curves and listening to Rollins live in Chicago.The ante has been upped to Pantera as I need to lose more weight.

Melbourne was ace.I have to stop making up words.Stayed with our fairy godmothers Jen and Kate yet again.I was so wasted tired by the time that I got into the shower after text messages and dodging the Cherry Bar at 3 in the morning that I was keening like a wounded animal.I still had soap scum in my ass crack from the cold shower at Sodens the night before.Hail,hail rock and roll.

Then I couldnt sleep.

It has to be said that I was so wound up after the Hi-fi show that I went and knocked the top off one in the toilets.

perve.

The boys are playing like a fucking machine.Got more and more shows all the time.

A head turned up from my past and was suitably remorse ridden.I did not push him down the stairs.
I am clint Eastwood ,Me.
What I did do is succeed.7 years on I was where I said I would be.He called me friend and I let it go.Paul H was a prat to me but you get that too.

So good to see all and sundry again and to be inc. on a bill with 2 of my all time fave bands.Me and Leeroy are rolling again so he is touring and merching with us all the time.We were rocking out like mad things to Pod and smiling like goons.

I dunno what to tell y’all.I am rusty and somewhat guarded.Big brother has put me on the door at The Surry hills X tonite so if you want to find me I will be swooning to Nunchukka and Hytest.[“This whole set is for Michele and this is a song about Michele ‘sept its called “Sammy jo” 2-3-4!”-Luke from Hytest last week.]
Got to dig a band that makes you feel that loved.

Much like Ross I am walking all over the place in my 2 dollar thongs that I have almost worn out.I cant get the weather right after 2 years worth of brutal winter.I see people all bundled up and heres me in a teeshit.Hardened by the Canadian winter for life.

Watcing a shitload of “Trailer Park Boys” thanx to my cousin Kirky and a bum offered me change in the park! Ha!

Doing a filmclip in about 6 weeks that is gonna have pixilation all over it like a sexy rash.”Rod-fuckin’-Stewart” is the song and thats all I can tell ya right now….

Miss Maggie is lending me her bike cause she rules.And cause I am over walking.

Thanx for all your support and stuff.

And if you dont dig it? Go fuck yourself.

SF4L
Michele.

…………….Survive Your Life…………..

There was a time when I was so broken hearted love wasnt much of a freind of mine…..
-Aerosmith.

In the dark of night,those small hours ,I wish you were by my side…
-INXS.

Reach out and touch faith.
-Depeshe Mode.

We’re setting sail to a place on the map from which no one has ever returned.
-World Party.

Tearing Me apart…
-Rollins band.

Later Los Angeles…Its been [sur]real……. Packing and its a bit after midnight on my last night in the city of [fallen] angels for a while…bummer in the summer…..I just wanna crash out…
Slight of hand?
Slight of heart……

I wandered round Hollywood,our new album providing the soundtrack…sweet glory after crooked battles ,ya gotta belive me on that….

Guess that I got sick of looking at the bad copy of someone I knew,a shadow of myself and saying “Who are you and what have you done with my battle plan???”

I am not gonna have a TV where I am going…I hate that shit…The 3 months I have lived here the fucking thing has been blaring non stop…I have got my well read copy of “The art of war” and no commitments till August…

“Michele who?”

Exactly.

I was nodding my head as I tapped that last line in so its sinking in…ohhhhh baby……

You dont want to know but fuck it, I am gonna tell you ’cause I know that I am one fuckin’ inch off loosing my peanut mind dumping all my shit in the cactus garden out the front of my dogshit covered abode, dousing it with lighter fluid and….

My clothes have been fucking while I sleep and multiplied…nah…they have been binge eating…I was reduced to a shadow of my former self, weakly beating my loose fists on top of my backpack, my vision bluring…I gotta tell you, I dont know where the fuck I am going and I can say 110% that I dont care anymore.

I have seen tooooo much this time….

Now, the trick is to get it to serve me and not on a platter if you know what I mean.I went and collected Ross today and we got a bit angsty in our favorite mexican cantina
[“You have to ask yourself…are you a mexican? Or a mexicant?…”]
Just the usual…no funds and all the keys to all the doors that you want are held by flaming cocksuckers of little and or no destinction.Color me butthurt and swinging.

Makes me go harder

The damage is beautiful….BEAUTI-FUCKIN’-FUL….and I tell myself as I roll on to London that you dont lose anything you cant afford.I need to tell myself that right or wrong cause if I dont?….

So,I didnt see that awsome someone that I wanted to see before leaving California as I am sure he was hanging his head somewhere..After waiting 2 or so lust laden years as well..Bad dog for fucking round with my sister while I was out of town…My pain is so hot…it makes me holy…I carry round everyone else’s fuck ups…. If I love it? Well then I lose it…

silly…tsk…tsk….
Trix are for kids…..

Feels good to type it.I am sick of protecting people who hurt me…I am sure so many of you do…I am amazed at how many of you read this…Thank you.I dunno why I am thanking you but it feels good so what the hey…

I no longer think that ignorance is bliss and for the perve that I am ? Take your hollow boned beauty and shove it up your ass.
Rot with a straw up your nose.
With your crappy promoting….
Do you like my wings of fire?
Do ya?
CAUSE I FUCKIN LOVE THEM!

You cant keep up?
I am talking to fast?
Didnt kiss your ass ’cause of good DNA?
Didnt jump when you called?

Not my problem.I am sorry! See this fork sticking out of my ass…you know the rest…..

I didnt know if anything good was gonna get shaken loose out of me on a personal level but as I sat in a bar with delux I reved up and spat it all out and all I could think was “Where the hell have I been hiding???”
What ever the last small internal year has been I must have needed to see it.See the other side of my bolshie war games.To be beaten by my own hand and ask for another lick…Please sir may I have another?….

You dont know how much you can take untill you really push yourself.The people that messed with my atoms have never set themselves that challange.
So I let em go.
I know that I lernt more from them than they will ever learn full stop.You know how I know this? To learn you first have to be able to think….

“Steeeee-RIKE!”

Felt like shit at the time but now I am thinking that it just might be the gift that keeps giving.

Big old scar covered mile a minute me…with my tiny black heart pinned to my rotten wrist…. me who is always gonna fall short and never forgive myself…me with too many questions and too many years sober…

Take it or fuck off.

I think that I am gonna ask myself on a date…I told ross that I have written “That” Album and I hope that skin crawls…I am gonna sing my cursed romantic nature and hate machines out on stages all over the world.Big rotten corpse tied to my touring back….

I think where I am a bit letdown when it comes to my emotional adventures in retrospect. I let a real pack of tossers do the honors ya know? I look at the ones who caused such disarray and such great songs and they are pathetic…I am bummed…They look so small away from the burning moment that we shared and that affected me so.

Remind me to fire my casting agent would you?

Cheers.

Today I am not of service to the people around me so that talk over and around me…I am starting to think that highschool never ends…it give me the giggles now which is peachy keen….

shake off these chains…

I keep dreaming of cold grey oceans and being very loud and alone…clean and spare and that gets me hatching plans that may gimme some very cool foundations…

[We were all gonna get the same tattoo and the plans fell apart….and they tell ya that everything happens for a reason….]

So Ash is riffing…playing…I am writing and reading my dictionary…these are good things,very good things indeed…I dont really want to leave Hollywood… But there is much to do.

I almost shat when I saw that The Hard-ons got a mention in Spin magazine out here…its the small stuff that makes you smile…

So many cirles…I hooked up with a few really sweet people here and that gentle readers is no easy feat…I did a kind of,I guess you would call it a platonic courtship….
Its feeling like too little too late right now as I was crippled with shyness everytime I saw her so I would make a cock out of myself to make her laugh.Big doe eyes flashing behind a coal black fringe….

We will have the joshua tree my friend and I will give you all I got just because..small hand in mine and sometimes on the freeway god is in the tips of your fingers.

I liked the AA meetings here.I like all the survival.No one is gonna plant me till I am done.I like the sidewalks and talking to the hookers outside the car wash on Santa Monica at 2 in the morning..

I like more and more now the things that make me feel good away from my former self.The cunts I had around me….

I have also in my divine feedback soaked wisdom decided that all ,well at least most of the shit that people want to hang you out to dry over is the shit that makes you great….so fuck em’.

I dont want to edit or say sorry.So I wont.Why start now? I am better and faster alone.

So thanks to the princesses who break good hearts
Thanks to the boys who make pain an art
Thanks to the liars who came on like a friend
weaving their poison that never ends
thanks to the break outs and wanton break downs
thanks the the wanna-be time wasting clowns
thank you my detractors and haters all
thanks to the biches who tripped me to fall
thanks to the bands that lied with such grace
go run your small town circles and stay the fuck out of my face
thanks the the liars and theives and their kin
you made me so strong ,please, come on in
thanks to my family
bitter at best
thanks to the fuckups and all the failed tests
thanks to the shallow the drug fucked and false brave
open your dead jaws as I piss on your grave….

The palm trees
the skaters knees
the aa meetings
the strained greetings
the betrayed that wove the tale
that im gonna sing till i die
why try
when it all gets delivered right to your door by
junkies and hustlers and two bit whores.

I got my discman and my deck
I got the best band I know
wilt while I grow…

I have no idea if I am gonna be hitting y’all up while I make my way back around the planet to God-knows-what but know that I am out there.I will get back to y’all sometime but I have to do this for myself.You guys are the heroes of almost all of my crooked tales.All that you have given me? I hope that I have given it back somehow…Take care of yourselves cause we are gonna go for days when next we meet.

see you on the other side
SF4L
Michele.

Miles and miles of perfect skin I swear I do I fit right in…

-Hole.

Becomming Godsize. -Pantera.

They will say you are on the wrong road if it is your own.
-Antonio Porchia.

I cant shut my brain up and the house is empty so I am gonna spew out my life onto the tiny screen once again.Cause I can.Its fuckin sweet knowing that there is some liberty left dont you think?…I adore the people who cant take the threat of me…I love your insults and all the energy that you put into me …I distill your essence and use it back agaist you…I am gonna be the last thing you see…

[your scars make you bigger than the sum of what you were when you were born and that is an act of greatness…I swing by your greatness…And you are great…never forget how great you are….]

Shame that you dont have the balls to ever say it to my face….

That wold be the rock solid reason that I need to train every day….you are so weak and I adore you…hear me!….ADORE you for it you simpering little purist fucks…Muah! Muah! Muah!

Just called Sach who is driving round in circles at LAX [fun fun fun!] waiting for my sister to get off the plane…so I guess I will be seeing them both soon…she has the unique talent of treating everyone like shit and yet they still do her bidding…remind me to master that crafty little trick in my next life.

Trying to pack ten months of shit into 2 hat boxes and a vietnam issue backback is totally headache inducing…I just thought that science would have carried us further by now ya know? Where is my silver suit and my meal in a pill???I think that you should be able to shrink your clothes or somthing…that, and maggie the dog has hidden one of my only shoes.I have 2 pairs here in LA as I left my combats in Calgary…Ross reasures me that they will be reunited with me in Sydney at some stage…I got those fuckers second hand in the summer of 97′ in fitzroy and they were already fucked then so I have a bit of an attachment to their smelly selves.

Delux handed me a ziplock bag on the sly the other day that filled me with glee…No ,not fuckin mushrooms you deviants!…he had hacked out 3 of his dreads so I sewed them all together and much to his disgust and amazement they are now living on my head.Makes me feel closer to him…chuckle….

I have been home alone all day and having very strange dreams when Scotty called me with a monster hangover from practice…told him that it served him right! I doubt that J even remembers his drunken dialing antics…ya get that on the big jobs…

You know,I dont even know who in my band is making the mega treck thrugh Europe [cue cheezy synth line] with me…Ross is outta credit on his phone and cant call…the shiteful thing about having a cell phone here is that you pay when people call you!! A dirty fuckin scam indeed…

As always,I am telling you guys what the deal is while leaving the people closest to me completely in the dark.I dont know why I do that…I view myself small here…its only the way to fly…..There is that perverse kinda feeling that they will scratch their heads and go “I had no idea!”

[I asked her how he was in light of his jail time…she flicked her hip and said “He had skychanel! He had play station!!!!” I wonder why I even bothered asking…nothing really means shit to anyone I deal with…no one cares…the first truth of always…..]

Did I ever tell you how much I hated my last dentist in Newtown? Rip off merchant supreme? Well she is gonna be getting a vist from my angry ass when I get back…all the work she did,much like Elvis,has left the fuckin building….

Cunts….

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Eye hate God and COC are both on tour right now and I am broke so as you can imagine I view it all as rather cruel at the moment.

Ok I am over that now….Dunno what is gonna happen next or where I am gonna end up…I just know that in my imagination it is like a louder version of Kill bill 2 and that makes me one happy little fucker…I have to admit that I am looking foward to snubbing my nose at what ever winter has to offer in any other part of the world after being the vet of the frozen fucking north….speaking of which…Ryan SF wrote me from Calgary telling me all the news [Sorry I have not got back to ya yet bro…my hotmail is fucked…] and during the course of all the gossip he tells me that my ex amour wants to write to me now???Huh???What a fuckin pillock! Yeah,wants to talk to me now that I am to far away to roll through and beat the hide off him…let all take a moment to look at that last sentence and reflect WHY it is that I cannot sustain a fucking relationship shall we???….ok! Thats enough! eyes to the front…..

All dodgy road capers of the sexual kind have been rather how shall I put it?…meh?…Yep that will do….No wonder I never fuck other musicains cause if they feel the way that I do we are all up shit creek.Its pretty unsound to finger fuck young lasses and let young lads do you all cause you are somewhat bored?….I think all except Mikey have been banged on this trip and the general consenus goes back to….you got it….meh.

I wrote to PC the other day wishing him and the lads a good tour through Europe and to ask if we can hook up for some shows with them later in the year which I am hell keen for.

We are upping it a notch live and I want nothing but hate faces in the pit.I am so fucking fed up right now that by the time I hit the stage I just want to explode…Been listening to a killer grind band from Portland called Fornicator so that all goes into the mix,they fuckin rule.I guess that its my not so private desire that people continue to underestimate what I am doing and what we are as a band cause my victories taste all that much sweeter when I dip them in the blood of doubters….

I wish that I knew how type….. this shit drives me mental….I keep painting my stumpy nails black with 3’s nail polish..they look like crap…I like it….

I think that my friend quota is spent and has expired.Thats why all this net malarky is good for me…its the arms distance thing that does me so many favors compared to the daily fuck ups and overs the I find myself trying to navigate…yadda yadda….

I love it when I get fowarded negitive stuff…reminds me to keep going if for nothing else that to piss on the faggots who dont have the balls to live it…..

FUCK! It has put me in such a good mood!

I know that I have to pull my head from my butt and re-enter the dragon so to speak in Hollywood tommrow night…people have really low expectations here which is good for me at this point in my life because I get to roll through like a ghost…. I have been tinking about y’all alot of late and I applaud and thank you for standin by Me/us as a band cause I know the shit that we cause…all those fuckin “individuals” out there [cough!] who are pure metalheads [oh my sides!] The way I see it is that you roll by my side and for what its worth I have your back and you mine…I would rather this that a bunch of gauntlet wearing pussies who spend all their time trying to be clever on forums….. The fact that we have to defend ourselves is proof that we disturb and that is its own reward….

I still wanna go and see SYL at the house of blues…hope that it all pans out….I need some heavy pit action so that I can fall on the plane all beaten….coollllll…!!!!!!
I love that 3 years later it still bugs people that we are such good mates with those guys and that they continue to support us and we them every chance we get.

hardy fuckin ha…..

So,To those of you in LA I will see you at the Cat Club on tuesday and to all back home I will see you on the road in August..

My sister just barged in the front door all whirlwind with travel and tales so I guess that I will be privy to tales…she just walked out the door again so that means she is off to score…I know…I question what I am doing here every fucking day….I will be clear of the greif that my love has brought before you can say……….

“Grammy for best new hard rock /metal artist goes to….”

You dont like it or Me? Tell it to the judge motherfuckers!

SF4L
Michele.

California.

When we have nothing left to give/there will be no reason for us to live/But when we have nothing left to lose/you will have nothing left to use….
-Fugazi.

Now I know why you’ve been drinking…
-Soundgarden.

Once in a while youd be better off listening to fools for a change..
-COC.

Yey…here’s to me being a total fucking twat and leaning on the wrong button the other night after hunting and pecking my way through 3 jam packed hours of whitetrash…yup…I lost the fucking lot…Its now Wednesday morning and I have composed myself enough to try again after watching crapulent TV and eating Chocolate lucky charms out of the box.
I got 2 tired punx passed out on my bed which means I am gonna have to get over the minefeild of dog shit and land in the master bedroom sooner or later….

Had Evil J calling me tonite from backstage at the Mudvayne show asking when my sister returns.Then he handed the phone over to Scotty who always puts a smile on my dile.I nag him incessently to hook us up with SJR cause its my lifelong dream to get to open for Philip Anselmo….you know what? Stranger things have happened….
Like today…
On the floor on my sisters crapola phone trying to do and interview on a web station that Harley from the desert had hooked me up with.You know how some cunt once said that there are no stupid questions just stupid answers? Well he can go get fucked cause LORD do I get asked some dumb assed shit…I came out swinging so I dunno…Harley tells me that he is up on the forum now and will post a link so ya’all can hear me make a dick of myself again…

Shameless is good…
Shameless with your bass player is even better,,, Shameless if you world it right on the sunset strip with a pocket full of CDs and a big mouth gets you meeting Ron Smallwood who happens to manage Iron fucking MAIDEN!!!!
We were loitering with grave intent out the front of the Key Club where there was a biG hoity ho-ha music thing and we scared a whole lot of people wearing laminates into taking our cds…You throw enough shit at a wall somthing is gonna stick sooner or later…

Gooch tells me that I am crazy and that is nothing that I didnt know.He and Val are going back out on the road with Ozzfest and here I sit hoping next year that we are with them…

Saw Miss Monica from Fasterlouder on the strip as well…we played her the new shit in her car and left her smiling at the Rainbow which we were to fuckin broke to get into as always so we walked home and another cunt of a cabdriver tried to rip me off untill I unleashed a torrent of very unsavory language at him…They run their metres at triple speed if they think that they can get away with it….

I started trying to get all my shit into one place tonite to lock and load and it gave me a mighty fucking headache lemme tell ya….

I dunno how I ended up with soooo much crap again and the thought of getting it all through customs makes me fucking shudder.Ross said somthing about a 30 hour stopover in NYC but I tuned him out and imagined getting eaten out by Jenna Jamers…ahem! Sorry…where were we???

Bordem sets in and now some of my dreads are green….

The perfect one gets back from old blighty tommrow…I cant belive that I have got to jet so soon….

But let it be known that we will be back on the road in August in Australia…there ! I have said it so stop asking Me!We are hammering out a tour and a new DVD as I write this so tell us where ya want us to play and we will see what we can do…..

Gonna be fuckin weird to get back thats for sure…I am gonna go AWOL at last! No computers,no band no fuckin worries!

I will be in touch when I can but mid May onwards y’all gonna have to cut me some slack….The point has been sharp and I have to regroup to take it up a notch again…

I will write again before I leave LA but after that I dunno….I will be handing the Myspace over to Princess Jacobi if she can do it….Unfortunatly I have some shitty hospital time ahead of me…boo…I want Ross to flim the carnage but when ever I mention it he goes somewhat green….

Naff naff naff…I love that hacks get the things I want cause I know that when I snatch it out of their hands its gonna mean SO MUCH MORE!

The WT that I lost had a shitload of stuff out of the hallowed [OH! my SIDES!” ] diary that I cart around the world like the zit sprinkled teen that I am destnied to be for all fucking eterity…just spoke of landscpae and longing which is a good 80% of my life at the best of times…

All its comming down to right now is the fact that I have finally gone full blown Veggo [I can see Blackie smiling right now!] Going to more meetings to keep my head clear and the Johnny Cash belt buckle that I want…ohhhh yeah…..

I have really enjoyed talking to y’all on myspace and thru email but remember if you need to get a hold of me for real at the moment I cant get to the hotmail and its making me nuts so hit me up through the the site and all will be sweet.

Need more Slayer patches!My Illicit Hoodie is customized crusty punk style within an inch of its life!Its the leather I never had! Ha!

Kinda sweet really.I am finally the kid that I wanted to be when I was a kid…Still as uncool as ever but it fits me like a glove.I still want to see my 1st boyfriend again who started me onto so much cool stuff…I was raised right [thanx to Saint Tina..] and I want to thank him cause there are a few pople in your life who tip the axis and I cant imagine where I would be now with out them …dead or lost…I know who I owe and I want to see them all again…..

Take 3 and Sin the couple that I have been living with…I have had no cash and was a sorry fat lump when I got here but they are good people who saw somthing good in my broke ass and extended that goodess to me just like I did at the Ranch a zillion times…its the first time that such ongoing peachy Karma has been applied to me so I am pretty stoked.I washed up and did laundry and they were hip above and beyond the cause….

I shoulda hit this up hours ago cause my eyes are rolling like a cornered horse right now..The calcified shitty vein in my left arm is all jumpy and pissing me off which means its gonna rain or I am gonna get in a fight…[ He told me that he was gonna lick the scars off my shoulders and I could just picture those wolf eyes….]

I am gonna go fall over.

Stay strong.
SF4L
Michele