Im a winner,Im a singer,Do you want my autograph?

-Supertramp.

Click your fingers it is done
The moon has now eclipsed the sun…
-M.Manson.

And the bells from the chaple went jingle jangle….Do you love Me? Like I love you……..
-N.Cave.

Work/Civillians/Stupidity/Marriage.
-All the things listed under “Alligies” on my passport.

Tell me how I feel again?
Tell me what I am doing???
Go on you fucker…go for it.You seem to have me all worked out you shit shoveling fuck so why dont you get up here and tell me all about it with your PHD in Me-ology….

Late October 04′
Curled around Me he smelled sweet of gin and vomit.Long lines of boy-a-conda coiled around the ungainly bulk that I carry myself around in. “I am beginning…” he hiccuped and paused [“Oh for the starts!” I thought] “…..To fall in love with you.” He slurred and passed out.
Later that night as I disengaged myself from the tangle of him,I kissed his clammy sleepwasted cheek and muttered “I am not as great as you think I am” with a frown.Stumbled back through what was left of the party and out into the snow.

A fucktard of epic magnatude.Thats me this ugly ol’morning.I got a letter from an old mate in Rotterdam? Its late…somewhere like that…Anyway she told me that “Its good that you am so open” But she sounded a bit worried at the same time.It was sweet.

At least 90% of the bullets that are fired my way I made myself ,so what the hey?…

Back to the last 24 hours….

The alarm went off 5 seconds after I fell asleep fueled with opium soaked dreams thanks to re-reading Mr Mansons magnum opus in some kind of strange Vulcan mind weld with Miss Annie….sweating and running through rude fire with my sisters hand on my ribs fluttering like a small bird.

Car sick shoved in the back out to Malibu in peak hour traffic [“He did it on purpose!” I fumed as we made it home 5 hours later,still winding mountain road ill “It was so he could spend more time with you!”] My sister got all of her suff back.We had to find it by flashlight outside a guys yurt on a serial killers dream dumping ground,dirt back roads, in a 60 km an hour wind.

Your right,only fucking me……

But it must be stated, for the record,that you can be having the worst day of your life but driving through LA listening to The Doors first album is pretty fucking sweet on the old “I will survive-o-meter”

Outside of the grid the stars burn clear away from their smog shroud.Flirt with their reflections on the polluted water that strokes their vanity like a lover…I miss the desert.If it was in my power to flee for all my own selfish reasons I would be on the next bus…

But….

After many harrowing emails [“I dont think that you understand how fucked it is….”] My brothers arrive in LA next thursday. Its a wing and a prayer…please come so the circle is complete again..So strange to hear Deluxes voice again….He tells me that I cant imagine and he is right ’cause it was different for all of us…but I lived it for the same amount of time without him while he gadded about Spain with his beloved so I have a pretty fair idea.

They all are still on the path so that feeds me hope and burps me happy.

They are staying one more day To see SYL tear it up so that makes Me smile as I dunno if I am still gonna be here when they hit the House of Blues in a few months…always the way…..
Anyone need a Kidney?
I am not shitting here…I am totally up for it…..

So angry that I am givin off sparks [“And living in a powder keg?”] Who can say?…Really..[“Bonnie Tyler for one ,you twat…” Inner critic…]..There are too many stupid people and I am in training…Training myself to glide over them ,trapped under bitter ice ,frozen in their ignorance while I triple Axis over their fucked selves [“And Russia gives Madden the final 10.00 that she needs for the gold!”]

Today I was in the mind set that I should sew up my cunt and run for sexual amnesty cause women annoy the piss out of Me.Then I thought that if I was a guy I would stick my cock in a blender for all the same reasons….which leaves me genderless and even more pissed off than I thought was possible.
Its not gender here…the whole human race shits Me to tears.
Rememeber when I told you that Time haunts me? Well I am gonna gret my own back and start setting on and haunting time right on back…the time when I walk away…and how I do it.

There are a few songs on this album that I dared myself to write knowing that the subjects would be fully aware of themselves with in the content [“And dumb ass of the year award goes too….For the 7th year running!!!……”] Thank you,Thank you very much…*Cough*….I didnt have the balls to say it when I had the chance and I didnt want to veil references so I cut myself open…I should have read the fine print on that bright idea, but maybe that is the way its ment to be …make it so hard that I have to tell it over and over every night for a while.

If I feel that I kick the dirt out of a fear everyday? Even if its just gonna up and set on me the vrey next? I did good.
Like those old school kung foo movies!!![“…ramble…get to point…blah blah…*yawn*….”]…..and then ’cause they had so much poison in then they could not BE poisioned!

Immunity…thats what I was getting at.

[“Its so fucking good to see you again!’ Fell into each other like it was still going from the summer before…backstage and ranting as usual.Both got shy and shut up…You and I with our tattooed hands and big lives..]

Ms Love wrote the words that will always own it in this arena “Live through this with me and I swear that I will die for you.”

The B* is watching a movie staring a few people that she has introduced Me to in passing….Ah Hollywood.

[I told myself that the butt of the gun held my salvation.And as he fucked me from behind I kept my eyes trained on it, gaffa taped and silent just over the edge of the bed.In my mind I snatched it and bucked him off my back.Turned and pistol whipped him to a pulp.The film loop of this image flickering in my sick head I reached under,face grinding into the matress on a broken angle, and came buckets to my inner carnage.
Angels wept.]

Whatever….

I first heard this song the summer of our BDO in Australia when Ash was still living down in the Cross.I would get on my bike,pump my discman up to ear damaging volume and to the strains of Slayer[“God hates us all” was the disc-de-jour to get sucked under an 18 wheeler to that year for some obscure reason…], bolt across the city from my hovel in Glebe hoping that we wouldnt fight and that it would be one of those days where it all came together.

From the first bars I was in deep lust with it and couldnt belive he had written somthing like that for Me.I listened to him as he sang some of his ideas to me and after a few false starts I got some kind of handle on it and rolled.

I had written the lyrics a few weeks before in a huge funk and decided to cast myself as the breaker rather than the broken.

I cant tell you how amazing it is when we get it right. And how shattering when my voice wont come to the party or I just dont hear it.Crushing both ways.

Being raised in the mucho shitty but never the less oddly erotic Catholic faith ,I always found the idea of The Novena to be very alluring in the face of so much Smiting, smoting and begetting.It was outside the doctrine to me and fell more under magic.9 prayers for nine days and your wish would be granted.9 lives …Nine conversations with God a day on the hotline….

I guess this song kinda pans out if God is Tom Waits
and your Church is a bar in Tulane.And its 3am.
Or something like that.

-Novena.

If I were you?
Id leave myself alone
If I were You?
Id stay at home
Keep out of trouble see?
But what do I know?
I am only me….

Whatever you thought you knew?
lead you astray
And by the time that you got back?
Id gone away.

How much more left to lose?
Love is like fruit
Easy to bruise
I couldnt stay and by your side?
I’d still gone away.

I wear you
My blood tattoo
We’re gone
What else could I do?

Dont make Me leave you behind
Cause you know I will
And the only time that you should doubt Me
Is when you think you can live with out Me.

How could I?
I just dont know….
You never thought that I would go
All that you thought you saw came apart.

hurts you/need it
Cut you and you bleed it
Do you try so hard when theres no one looking?
And Perry said that theres nothing shocking…..

Where did you put it?
Where did it go?
Tell Me,Where did you leave it?
I know
You always think that your the last to know…

Not much fun to be had
Not where your going…..

Dont make me leave you behind
cause you know I will….

Stick my hand in the lions mouth
My Traitors heart points south.

How could I?
I just dont know.
You never though that I would go
All that you thought you saw?
It came apart

I broke your heart.

………………………………….
I am gonna go and flake out,try and shut my fucking brain up.Take it easy as the Eagles would say [*gack*] and I will get back to y’all later.
SF4L
Michele.

Los Angeles.

Everybody knows you love Me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you’ve been faithful
Give or take a noght or two….
-L.Cohen.

That woman deserves her revenge and we deserve to die.
-Bud.

In one single moment your whole life can turn round..
-The Streets.

You know that they wont win,Dont let them win…..
-Crowded house.

Children waiting for the day they feel good,Happy
birthday,Happy bithday.
-Tears for Fears.

Im feeling left behind
Lord! What a waste of time
They brought and sold you
Ride on…Ride on….
-COC.

She is nothing but straight up beauty,burbon,ciggeretts and bordom.
I miss that one last whiskey kiss before last call and if you asked Me to run tonight?I would sprint wind wrapped.
I would be by your side.

Nick Hester from Crowded House hung himself a world away in a Melbourne park.46 years old. Rich,respected,talented and swaying.So I guess that it dosnt matter what you do,if the monkey owns you sonner or later you are gonna have to pay and peanuts will never make the grade.I Remember when they played their last show and the whole of Sydney sang along….So fucking sad…hope that it was what he wanted….sad regards to his family.

I now call the Canada era My “Kirsty Alley” period.Miss Suzanne sent me Pix and I have got more chins than a fucking chinese phone book!!!!Never fucking again!!

Cant sleep yet again and I should be answering qustions for a new intervew with the great Miss Metzy but….my brain is as limp as a eunchs rig.I want to think on em’ cause they are good.Sikfuks ask the best questions…We ordered alot of food last nite and I am still distended now….I pushed my little round tummy out at my sister and sang “You dont have to live like a refugee….”

Tool.

I think that my boys are gonna be here in a few days which sets my panic alarm off.I have got sikfuks in Canada telling Me whats up and I have not heard from Delux in days.It is the most insane way to live.

On the door for Moterhead this friday.Spoilt.

May of helped if I had of got a phone and didnt live in a ghetto.The cops slow down when ever they see someone different on the phones on Santa Monica.Fuck it…I am making excuses.I admit it.I seen to have fallen into some kind of “K” hole yet again.We are going out to Malibu tommrow to retrive some of my sisters stuff that she left at some dudes place in Hollywood that got kidnapped by some mad Brazilian while she was in Rome.

I dunno what its all about but I wanna see the ocean.I think that is what I miss the most about living at The Ranch.

Speaking of the Ranch…..One of the coolest blow-ins from NZ wrote me today to tell me that he got inked by my beloved Mr Craft down on K road in Auckland….While listening to “Detestimony” he gotta carved up with “SF4L”….Fuckin A!!! Skoota my friend!…He didnt tell me where on the dermis….so I awaite pictures….Killer!

I ended up on a Hollywood rooftop the other morning after a nite of playing wanna be reckless rockstar.The B* and Sin have informed me that for blowing in round 10 the next day that I am now grounded.Which sucks balls.

Nothing helps me ya know? Other people..one on one?…the bullshit…where ever I am… Bah!

The only thing that will quench this fucking ache is touring with my band cause I dont believe that there is anyone one person who can fill all the loss and void within Me.Who am I kidding,I know there is not…..I have been known to make myself ill trying to pick up peices that were best left alone.

I have always felt that there were no “Homes” in this place.Like every apartment is steamed out of dead dreams and made spit shined ready for the next sucker.I am too aware of time.It fucking curses Me.Everyone has to belive that they are the “One” here in the city of Angels or they would just pack up and die.

I ask Myself what makes me so special and it leaves me on the bathroom floor dry eyed and cotton mouthed with terror.

And thats on a good Day.

Thinking that its the god in you that gives you light.That its the pure intent that fuels desire.I would hold reckless under the burden of you.I miss you now when you are in the room,having you next to Me gives me a sense of arid space.I find dry bones on your surface….the landscape of you.

Empty …
Citrus pealing from the overburdened vine.The grass as thick as retardation beneath me as I watch the sky flat on my back in the hollywood boneyard and I am teathered to decay.The sun burning me through the smog makes me belive in things that are gonna do nothing but get me hurt.I know that I am crying but I tell myself that it is just a trick of the light.

People huh?
They assume that I am smart because I listen, because I write rather than interact.Tonite I am dumber than a sack full of hammers and there is no mercy here.

No sodas in 4 days and I have lost 6 pounds and still have a blinding headache.Fucking sick that is…..

Got hammered by My bro Gooch out in Tucson for not heading out there yet…The last 6 weeks have blown through so fast…he is saying that he is gonna hunt Me down.I will see what the fable is with the band…I dream in sand and I will see you soon.

Gotta think about where in Europe I am gonna land in May.Berlin is looking real good to me so I should get off my ass and write the most amazing Miss Billie Lime and beg for a few weeks of floor space and the back into LA to do it all over again. You know that I am gonna get gaunt and roam around by the wall thinking of Christanne F and listening to far too much Bowie and Iggy.

There are worse things to do with your alotted time on this rock so what the fuck right?

Just want to see my brothers and work out some kind of plan to keep us rolling solid here.It will happen…I know cause I have been writing this fable all along…..

And for you I tap the vein again and ….well…..Another new one.
I wrote half of this in Sydney at Chez Rock and the other half came on the spot when me and Ash went into pre production in Canada.If this song was a baby it would have duel citizenship.If this song wanted a date it would more than likely send mash notes to your sister and leave them unsigned,Its one of those “FUCK! I know I am right why wont you just take a fucking chance and hear me out!!” Numbers.

Too many think, off the bat, that this one is about them which is the mark of a good tune and a sick indication of the dizzy heights of my friends paranoia.

Rock and fuckin roll eh? What are ya gonna do?

-Rail.
[M.Madden]

There is a straighter line
than you were first lead to believe
And I greive
For such ignorance.

There is much more
Within what you see
You should have been shown
You really should have known.

You exhaust me with your apathy
Your long lines
Im sad with pity
in stereo…….

I try not to get too much
But I think that im trying to hard
To make somthing out of nothing for you
Look at what your losing
while your choosing away from here.

I am willing to get shown
Take this path alone
And we may meet
If and when you get there
Just thought that I would tell you
opinions have values
but as usual
You dont care.

Look at what your losing while your choosing away from here.
This is a one shot deal
look into my eyes and tell me its not for real.

Well,Thats it for Me.I will try and get a few more in
before Ross cuts Me off.Kidding.
I dont want to stress him too bad….
Looking foward to meeting all the sikfuks of the great
state of California.Of the world….

Now more than ever….

SF4L
Michele

Unbeing dead isnt being alive.

-E.E Cummings.

Ive laid with the devil
cursed god above
forsaken heaven
to bring you My love….
-PJ Harvey.

Outside gets in,
Ive been out before but this time its much safer in.
-Kate Bush.

My wise English friend Jooles took me out for Sushi the night before I fled what Ross is refering to as “The frozen Tundras” Which I feel is very Dr Zhivago of him.He is the only person besides Me to use the word “Tundra”

…digression….
And he told my hurt self over wasabi and tuna sliced so fine that in melted on the tounge that “So much can be forgiven just by seeing someone again”…I looked down into my thimble of green tea and prayed that he was right.

Forgivness is hard enough…How sorry is someone ment to be and for how long??? [“Pretty fuckin sorry and for-ever” whimpers my inner brat…]

Its the forgetting that is draging my rotten ass over the coals yet again…..

[ As if on a cycle /not lunar like blood / but some other exclusive one for her alone/ Without warning or reason /She would commence starving herself /And / Shamefully that is when found her at her most beautiful / Her already epic features became a stunning parody/ She became her own christ /Ate of herself alone and got saved / flesh crippled and needing no crutch /she voided and faded / When they fucked / her ribs bruised.]

I roadied for 3 tonite.I do it cause he is a bro and plays like a motherfucker.I got asked by another drummer to do the same for him …I have a speedy tear down you see….Thanks to being roadie for No#1 son for so long…I turned it down….The hardest thing in the world for me right now is walking away from a stage after setting up on it….

Fuck Me and fuck that right?

Everyone can sleep except for ol’stupid here.I have been enjoying emails from some of you who share my cronic insomnia and I must say that some of your suggestions are both cute and disturbed.Some,I admit,strangly arousing but I am pretty fucked in the head when it comes to that kind of thing…Hello Kitty with fangs…The Easter Bunny on Smack..Jesus getting buttfucked by Ronald Mc Donnald with a huge strap on.You get the Picture.

Coyotes on Wonderland ave ,snackin’ on toy poodles and trash.I saw a ghost in the alley behind The Aladdin.Taka says “No Engish” and flicks his tiny frame like a front row tent revivalists fan for another shot.Tiny packets of hot sauce from the Taco Sell that say “Do not use as a flotation device”….Honesty/Sanity drained with every colonic ,with every liposuction,with every riot and you would be sated if that blonde on the the cell phone died in front of you and as the car drove by a song that you forgot you loved drifted in its speeding wake and you tasted the blood in your mouth before you fell….

You think that I would be able to pull myself together enough to pick up the phone and call my band would’nt you? The days melt here and as Brett Easton Ellis was fond of pointing out in his early work “People in Los Angeles are afraid to merge….” I am exhaused by the thought of existing here…Of existing anywhere…Falling onto sharpness…Waiting….

I lie awake next to sibling perfection and burn on ugly.I dance on bound feet across memory to get back to you.It only takes 7 pounds of pressure to tear off an ear.You die after 9 days with no sleep.Poor oral hygene leads to heart disease.Cancer gives you cancer.There are too many adds on TV for HIV medication because people got fucking stupid.I imagine that my scars move when I am not awake,that they are gonna keep growing and cover my whole head.Dream that my tattoos all get together and fuck the shit out of each other round about the same time. Her hair was so black and holding tales of circular doorways and lifetimes in rice that it was all I could do to stop myself leaning over the counter and…

Tattooed hands and borders dont mix.In a world populated by “What if?” even busted up I feel like at least I am moving sitting as still as I can…brutal ugly …shadow sipping ring leader of mayhem …self halming corpse…wind her up and watch her carve…I burn my bandages…my pscyche too deeply rooted in the southern swamps not to belive that ju-ju can befall even the most jaded.

With the lights out you felt even sweeter and tigher round my fingers…when I saw you at the market the next day you looked through me and clung to his arm so tight he winced.I dropped my lazy left eyelid and winked at you are you made your way across the road….You cunt….I went home and burned all my bedding…Your scent heavy on my clothes.Didnt hurt,It was just another time that I was right for beliving that people are shit..I smiled.I shouted my instincts to a cheap dinner and a finger fuck while Nick Cave rolled his preacher voice guilt-dippin’-honeyfuck over my bowed sinning head.

Fuck you God, I see no redemption here.

In sum,when in battle
Use the orthodox to engage
Use the extraordinary to attain victory.
-Sun Tzu.

Social grace that I am lacking,I am retarded on discomfort,reared on lies and tounge biting.

I wonder why people care for me the way that they do…what do they gain from this? They write and tell me to stop stealing shit…that they will provide…Am I eating?….The more they want to help Me the worse I feel.I should be alone…I can always talk to myself and the fucking desert is just over there yet I choose to rot languid,small concise circles, in Beauties lazy shadow in what feels like a cyber punk remake of Valley of the fucking dolls.

I have had a moment of clarity.I have not done shit.They are gonna get here take one look at Me and wonder why the fuck they bother….Undone.

[When she held Me, I felt the coke in her heart,like a small fast thing and there was hardly enough skin to really say that we were ever seperate in the first place…the whole world loves a loser when they are high….]

Funny how the people who were talking trash about me on forums a year or two ago write me mash- fuckin- notes now..

And for reading all my shit? I give you what I was not going to and more than likely will regret.

[Miss Annie?…If you are out there I want you to know that looking over and seeing you in the corner, head down, as I sang my guts out on this track,your blonde head nodding in time ,lips forming fast learnt refrains, made it a perfect day for me.You singing it back to me as we sat in the loading dock as the day died frozen just outside the door…….]

A song from the new album…..

-Gear. [In search of perfection.]

Im gonna go out and score a half weight of you
Tie off
Cook you up
drop the cotton into the spoon
Mainline your essence
And shoot myself to the moon.

Im gonna find the right vein
Drive myself insane
Play God with my blood
0.3 of needle tipped love.

I’ll carry all my works on the off chance that I see you
I dont want you baby
I want to be you.

Dont mind the din
Just crawl on in
You in the stream
Im so fucking high
I could scream
I will shoot
It wont stop
I’ll jack up untill My veins collapse
Or untill I drop.

There will never be enough
Im jones-ing out,Im not that tough
The cure for you is black and blue
And im tired of being beaten
Too much shit has been eaten……

Then I will know how perfect feels…
I will never know how perfect feels….

‘nite

SF4L
Michele

…….NON IN AETERNUM MOTHERFUCKERS…………

Baby,baby why cant you sit still?
-The Black Crowes.

She dances on black sand…
-Clutch.

What is most beautiful in virile men is somthing feminine: what is most beautiful in feminine woman is somthing masculine.
-Susan Sontag

Ambition is only vanity enobled.
-Jerome.K.Jerome 1889

My hotmail has fucked out so if you need me? Get me thru the site or can it.

On the back of my new notebook that I am alredy knee deep in two things are written.One says “Everything is sweetened by risk” and the other says “Hollywood death punx!Fuck you! SF4L”

Draw your own conclusions

I am always too late or so early that I manage to talk myself out of any kind of practiality. The streets were like mirrors tonite as the soapy noodles lodged in my gullet,speechless across the red table from you.

I dunno if it was a love song cause I dont know if I was ever really in love.Its so late but that dont really matter and I wonder if you are out there abusing the white powder that used to have us chained……

[“I am gonna write a song about you….” He said all Ohio eyes and bold intent…I bit the end of my straw blowing bubbles wondering how many pairs of legs that line had spread like butter….wincing internally hoping that I had never used it in the same way….He talked about himself and his band at length and then asked me what I did.I lied but it didnt really matter cause he wasnt listening anyway.]

‘Cause baby, my head is going so fast and I have so many tiny things that I want to say but I cant get loud enough and do you think that they would call the cops if I started screaming?

Babe, you should see her in her cowboy boots she looks just like I did before I didnt and when the BMW pulled up next to us near the Dennys on Sunset the driver could not look away from her luminesence, an occurance which almost bores Me in its regularity, so I counted street lights while the tendons in my neck creaked….

So a new band house for my brothers and I want top pull money out of my now bony ass.I think that I have become the boy that I wanted so badly from my miss-spent youth.I have become all the things that I feared the most.I pull my beanie down over my deformed ears and twitch like I mean it…..Tick like the name of my band and I foam you fucker and bile tastes good…I am gonna fuck myself over and break my black self again for the sheer fact that I dont think that any one else deserves it.

Am I gonna move to Long beach to be with my boys…That is the 64 grand question tonite my friends.I am getting all dirty here…. The filth is invasive and somewhat welcome after the snow capped sterility of one position fucking and bad weed that I fled from.

Long Beach will keep me out of trouble and in the circle of my brothers but I find myself around all these halmed beauties stealing flowers and wooing…I am a wreck…I am a kleptomaniaic who is a crap skater…I am not fighting weight and my words taste rancid and too well oiled and they lit the doorways blue for a reason my lost love……Cant register the hit.

My whole world is blue lit I cant remember what you taste like and I cant tap the vein.I cant tap the vein and I look onwards like I am in some noble persuit rather than running round the world in search of a backline a marshall cab and a shower.

I am alone here which is never a bad thing but I can see you.I hate the nights when I can cause that reminds me that I am human and dying and that the time I had with and about you I stole and that makes my intent toward your company criminal and I cant bail myself out of the palace of memories…not again….

I never ment that much to you if any thing at all.

I am an alien wherever I go.The Gangsters told me that I was “Toooo perfect” and then asked me if I used to be a Man.Its never gonna change.Stupidity and fear reign supreme and beats you like a whelp when you are down.I asked him if he kissed his mother with that mouth.

I have not assulted anyone in over a year.They will not get that from me.I cant honestly say that I have it to give….listening to the Corb lund band as I tap out my never read nothings […..and you gave me till 07’ daddio and I thank you for beliving in me when I cant see myself.] You are gonna be on the road forever like the way the sky is forever and to see you out there again.

LA makes you think “Why Not?”
She is the hottest state of non grace and she wants me dead and all I can do is smell her on my fingers from the night before and smile.
She dosnt give a fuck about me…I am too far from the swamps and I listen to Clutch and sing like the inside of a church is my fated palace. The ship that is the crossroads of the world sails by my window and the power that it takes to be that jaded as I gaze slack jawed could fuel a small city.

My mind is running on a two second delay and I swear on all that is holy that when I sleep its Spanish moss that haunts me and the nights that I breathed the brown air.That there is somthing calling me but that I will not leave you? Do you understand? The room is spinning lover …ya wanna dance?.I was the most beautiful bride in the fucking world but I should have married myself….

[“So Michele, Why did you quit taking drugs?”… “Beacause there were not enough drugs to not make me hate myself as much as I do ,so I got clean and now you can pay the price…” ]

Now I court electricty.I call her,Stalk her…I will be before you again and I will be a fucking car crash I will be and unnatural disaster and you will watch.You will not be able to avert your eyes and I dont even answer to my fucking name anymore…I just roll on…And the questions?

I only answer yours…only yours….cause no one cares about me the way you do…..

Asking me about Dime and my ink starts itching.All I do is talk about you and my brothers.If they want to know me I am not hard to find I am here where I have always been…..I am in the stationary isle at the Beverly Hills Rite Aid at 4 am lurking while all the 2nd string stars come in trying not to be seen filling their scripts for oxy-contin while I pocket pens and swan out on heels of fire.

Fwa,Fwa,Fwa…..

[ What the fuck are you doing to yourself out there tonite???I am swooning here?….]

Raining again and the dogs go as crazy as me.

I cant remember how it feels to be up there and that frightens me more than anything ever.I keep bumping into things.I find new bruises all the time….some fat junkie hopped up on memories instead of smack.

Blood.

Do ya think that knives jerk off over blood? That is what they dream of?.
I am sifting through hearts desires and beating the clock.The shape of your cheating shadow like a tattoo over all my yesterdays.

Emo fuck wit 4 somthing in the morning and I give greif like a whore gives head.

Delux said that when he comes and stays with me down south that he is gonna drink thse 40 oz Buddwisers cause if it was good enough for Skynard….and Mikey? I watch you over and over on the DVD and think of how much of me you gave me….Ash with the vison and the pink heart…

I will not speak for a year
I wil order ammo on the net and shoot rats from my porch
I will listen to alot of nina simone and howl at the moon
I will be unfindable
To myself and then?

Sleep wrapped in my own arms.

At Graumans Chinese theatre in the rain and I dont know where its going but I know that I wont stop…I walk past the street where my crazy ex boyfriend usta throw all my shoes out the window every time we had a fight.He thought he was Ike Turner and I gave as good as I got and I think it was the animal tranks that made me walk away in the end….and these people who see me now and see me so small…they have no idea….

Example…
I was at a party on the weekend.Not by choice.And look at the mirror on the table….. and the musos and artists all rounding yelling at each other cause dont you know? The louder you yell the more relevant you are….. you mean more.So I sat on the floor with an old Rolling Stone while they honked and hooted above me and I know that I am saving myself….. as the ashes from careless ciggerettes fell around Me acompanied by the incomming of famous names being clumsily dropped from above “Yeah me and Manson…..slipknot….”
Breying and they dont see me and I dont care.

The day I want to be seen again?
I leave that up to your imagination.

SF4L
Michele.

Did I save ya life tonite?

 You did mine…I am weaker than I look and far to fucking honest.If they dont give you enough credit be cool…it works in your favour…they will never know what hit em.

I should be a little calmer and read “The art of war” again and try and give off a certain kinda zen.I dont care.I care to much.Betrayed.
Acid kisses.
I dream revenge.
I breathe fire.
Some days are better than others and this is not one of those days……
Never gonna have that glaze.
I was asked about that…The blank easy girls…If you have half a brain? No empty nights for you and your thoughts…..
Its a bummer in the Spicoli flavored summer but its true.To be that numb you need the drugs…. the drugs cost money when you are on the drugs the last thing you want to do is work….
[ Song for that last paragraph “Round and Round” By Ratt….]

[“Mom??Ma?…This is a shit line…MA!!! I am in county…Call the Bondsman…”]

I look at them and wonder what its like.The career junkiedom.I was good at it but you gotta belive Me when I tell you that I am walking with Gods here….I know how much everything is by the gram,by the pound….How much do they say the human soul weighs?
Dont matter…they have hocked it by now….

Same people
Same conversation
Same Bat Time
Same Bat Channel

You guys would laugh if you could see me now.I stay so close to the ground that I am almost dirt deep.I am mr Mojo risings 7 foot snake….I hear everything.I dont even mention that I am in a band…no shit…everyone is so hungry here.I am keeping it stealth and waiting on my brothers to get back and drop science live….nothing finer.

There is alot you can do with your life time if you have a net.

Look at me! No fuckin hands! Nothing in my hat? fuckers……

Watch me pull it all out of thin air

I have been putting this off all nite.Well, not in a bad way just in a “Could not get it together” kind of way.The dog is having awsome dreams on her back by the front door and I am pretty much home alone since 3 and Sin crashed and I dunno where the B* is.

My night consisted of lashings of totally broke sweetfuck all.Trod on someones hash pipe before which hurt like fuck and then I had that fucking Weezer song in my head so I am hobbling down Santa Monica going “Woahohohhh” under my breath like an idiot,limped to the market to get the Sprite that my sister is addicted to and …ahem…aquired some new notebooks…praise baggy pants and lazy security.

So,yeah,I have been lying on the floor listening to the people upstairs fuck [ Did I beat off? In a word? No.] and asking myself too many questions.Wondering what my now beardless band are up to.I know that Delux is beyond stress and I dread to think what that landscape looks like.

I think that the weather is pretty shit up there but he seems to be under the effect of some grand delusion that I am poolside being eaten out by pornstars in the the sun with a straw hanging ot my nose…..wrong.I am glued to the net all the time trying to get the word out there.I lie on the sofa while my anorexic sister huffs at her self in the mirror and says “Do I look fat in this?” I drumtech for Bombchild and talk to the dogs…

Found out that some cockhead that I once called a friend is getting Married this week to a woman that he once refered to as “My Stalker” Hope it lasts forver Stu ya sad old stoner fuck.Congratulations. Cunt.

Honesty is the best policy right?

Learnt that in catholic school so its between you and the lord if ya wanna disagree.

There are not enough books round me at the moment which makes me itch.I saw my future tattooist last nite so if I can get the balls to hold up an amoured car on pay day I will be on my way to severe inkage.

Been doin some pretty spanky press of late.Head for Full Frontal Recordings if ya give a fuck. Our thingo in Blunt is comming out on the 30th in Australia so keep an eye out for that. Dumbness befalls me everytime I have to do this shit but I keep on truckin…I have a bet with the B* about someone who never writes me unless I have been all over the media…the odds are pretty surefire.

To all sikfuks who saw me and my mighty rack on webcam? I gotta inform you that it is no more! Thank god! There was a good 6 months that I could not see my feet.The “Broke” diet kicks the shit out of Trimspa any day!

I found Erics copy of Sigour ros when I got all my shit unpacked…I have to keep hiding it from myself.I am going thru a weird stage when it comes to music…If its not Morbid Angel its Icelandic sound scapes.I have lost my fucking peanut brain.

SF4L
Michele

She could have been a burn victim,

an amputee, a dead body….Godadamn…I wanted to fuck.
-Pantera.

Nothing else matters….
-Metallica.

Let my heart go.
-Metallica.

Take my scars.
-Machine Head.

Just took the dog out for a slash ….its a bit chipper but I could hear the freeway humming with the 28 million drones that I am wasting oxygen with so fuck it..Im up now….I cruise to the end of the block nodding at the old timers that keep the same hours as me…dog is in heaven…first time she has been even semi walked in ages lookin up at me like “No fuckin way!!!!” as I try to get my lanky gait happening while no one is watching….

Then I see the sunrise.My stupid big life and I am standing in the middle of the road cause of the palm trees…..Fucking palm trees Man!…..Hair all fucked up in a wife beater with a greatful dog at my side while my sister does her tarot in a cloud of pot smoke.

All of it….Breaking my heart by the rotten mile….

Do a thing…. all the things you swore you were never about? You now whore yourself out to.I will hang with Oscar Wilde in the gutter…I own my stars you pretty thing….

Pills
“She had liquid Vicoden!!’ like
“The War is over!!!”

Thats how large it is to them ….And I write it all down…feed me…all of it…your too fucked up to tell your story so I will tell it.

She hates it when I have to go and think on her.I am out of the story right now as she has a much cooler friend…Thats cool…when I am needed again…I dont want to feel like this any more.

“I can still hear you saying we must never break the chain”
-Fleetwood Mac.

All that I wanted.You have it now…God ,I hope it was worth it.

Its the only lightbulb that is still on…the hunt…They are all fucken broken infected and stunning.

I dont hate them but I dont like me so I dunno whats going on there.

I dont know why…I write myself stupid about it…Hurts like a wake… It hurts Miss Suzanne,Jooles me olde mate…look at me human…she broke it…So now I rize like a lotus from the shit? Is that the way it goes??? No answers but shoulders so soft.Thank you.

I dont even trust myself today and I hope that sleep comes looking for me.

“How does it feel being a Cliche?” I asked him as he leared at my fast disapearing rack..I guess that I am as well…Hanging out in bars wishing Detroit-Iggy-glitterkiss-lean and I am playing pool like a mother fucker…”I knew I wus gonna fall in love with a green eyed brunette” he slured from behind practiced eyeliner and a mimosa of Bud light,trying to run his hand up my thigh.

My eyes are blue.

And that wraps up my whole life tonite.

I am glad that my lads are in safe port while the shitstorm rages….When does it not,I ask you?.I wrote a friend today that “The joy of being insane is getting to go crazy in heaps of different places if so inclined…” Its Rosscos bithday this week and all I can think about is how beautiful I felt at that goddamn Ranch party before I just faded away.I was sodden with the weight of a huge love.I couldnt stand myself…felt like I was giving off fucking sparks.

That was the night I lost him….

I like being in LA for what its worth cause I look around and see why I have to exist if that makes any sence.My lads are gonna be blown away by this…I pretend to be Annis Nin….A spy in the house of love/lies…same difference…I want salt on my skin….Nalpalm cunt on the loose…Mean.

The first time Wendy o Williams tried to kill herself she stabbed herself in the sturnum with a carving knife and then when she couldnt get to her heart she drove herself to the hospital with the knife still embedded…Can you see it twitch with every beat of her heart as she stops and changes gears? Can you see the look on the Drs faces?

Determination.

Hunter S Thompson shot himself in the head while on the phone with his wife because he “Wanted to go out at the top of my game”

How do you know what the top is? What does it look like? Does it have a scent?

[The back of your neck when you leaned into me in the lobby of the Metro that summer nite that I knew you would not have time to score so I ran around in your wake with a 50 of weed shoved in my favorate black lace bra….just incase you wanted me…. Me stupid on your rockstar self you cunt…I am so dumb …]

Miss Suzanne tells me that I cast a great shadow but form this height it looks like the Hinednburg…it looks like decending doom.I miss my lost thats why I cant stop screaming .I will miss your lost for you if you dont want to speak up.I am doing great…No shit…better than I have been in ages but my ghosts…[“I am almost back” She wrote me and I have missed her for so long “I swore that I would stay”]

She writes this to me….I beg people to stay…I am so sick of planting my only….

I got told that its loyalty or bust with me…And? You could do worse.

I am there

I am writing my spacy Hollywood hooker Santa Monica blues again And I am the black velvet that makes her diamond shine even brighter.

I sway …..I am starved.I want to break myself ugly on it again…I want to snake into the pit with you till we are all a fucking cavern of carnage…I want my pain to fucking own me…I will be heatbreaks bitch on a leash tonite…I will sleep dead…I will think about what is to come….How many I will fuck as I have been fucked.

Dont cross a writer.Not only do I never forget but I got it on paper

So fuck you for looking through me
Fuck you for only wanting me when you see me on TV
Fuck you for dying
Fuck you for leaving
Fuck me for caring
Fuck it all

………But I got palm trees bay-bee…How can I fail?

“Baby your a freakshow just like me”
Night’
Courtney.
Night.

SF4L
Michele

Hollywood California.

Gotta warn you…I am hungry,tired and raving….read on…

FUCK the self righteous punk police!
-The Hard Ons.

Im more of a man than you will ever be
Keep your bouquet of bullshit
You only get one hit for free
I could walk away and let you think you’ve won
Well,Thats a nice idea right tiger?…
But guess what?….Im not Fuckin done.
-NOLA.

Midnight rockers,cityslickers ,gunmen and maniacs…. -Massive Attack.

Friend of ours got invited to “Pornstar Kareoke” tonite…the visuals would have been astounding..And somewhat bouncy I imagine..The world has gone a bit pear shaped in that regard..Jennine Luindmuller has gone blonde and Jenna Jammerson brunette?

*falls to knees*

“God ???Why????”

You SO know that I am gonna have a Vivid girl on my arm sooner or later…..Snort!….Sorry! Musta dosed off!

3 recorded tonite and he was tired and glowing when he got home…I miss that feeling…I dont even wanna think about the last time I cutsik…Glad that I am not a Hollywood drug feind [“There is still hope for ya Madden”] Fuck! That was my inner “Keef Richards” again..Gotta get that seen too….Pills cost a bomb here!!!!!…I will stick with Porn and Star-fuckin-bucks…..

Dealing with some weird fuckin baggage….Got lower than a snakes ass in a wagon rut there and it was hard to come back from….nothing that a razor and alot of tea didnt fix….for the time being….I feel so mean when I think about getting up there again that I could eat rocks and shit a highway….I need it…..Guess the boys will be jamming in jays basement up there….I just drive round with Sach laughing at my crazy fuckin life singing along to my Beloved Slayer at the top of my lungs….spinning in circles….Venice at midnight…

Proud with the weight of our tribe. Of what we are to and for each other all over the fucked up skin of this broken assed rock…..All the shit that you give me…that feeds me…I do take it seriously….And if cunts want to judge me for it I dare em to walk a mile in my shoes….Fire away…Judge not lest you want my size 11 converse wedged fair up your ringhole…I dunno what part of the bible I pulled that one from but ya catch my drift….

I am in Hollywood LIVING my dream..Doing it,not slagging someone else off for having the balls to get out and do it…So tell me?….How IS night shift at the Rooty Hill Esso treatin’ ya boyo?

B* and Sin have been stolen by the X box which leaves me so many hours on this thing that my back freezes and I piss pure Sprite.What are ya gonna do with a kid like that huh? You know that shit is pear shaped when I have the stoner brigade on my tail to “Stop talking about doing it and write the fuckin thing….”

So here I am….

Ramen noodles are the cornerstone of rock and roll and I have been told that I am a total MySpace whore…So be it….Sue me ,its the 1st time that I have felt useful in fuck knows how long so I am gonna run with it……I have gotta stop watching the live clip for “Damage”….Makes me think of what I am missing.

But it makes me think about how much bigger this next round is really gonna be.I think that being desperate suits me…burns me harder….I am now thin enough to start running again which I am kinda dreading…much rather wear sandals with knee high white sox on a BMX…What can I say? Living off Santa Monica brings out the “Dre” in me…..Starting to look like a chica with my new blue eyes and long straight dark hair…oh man…a tan! I have a fuckin tan!…..Gang bangers have got their look down…and why is it that I always want to be a boy???? I will tell you why…cause tits get in the fuckin way….My rack refuses to shrink which is why I have to run again…

Oh Myspace!!!….a cruel master but getting the word out there and I have always been a zelot on that front.

I love all the holier than thou fuckstick metal bands back home with their unreadable logos who wont add us….eat my shit you posing cunts….you play ya fuckin’ 3 shows a year and look all mean up the back of the pit cause I will be IN THE PIT! Like a real fan you uptight asswipes….

They hated me behind the counter and they hate me even more on the stage……

I win.

I cant wait till daddy tells y’all that its time to cut your hair and go to work….Remember me…your kids will be buying my albums.

Fuck ya’s….

Feel a bit better now….Hit The Highway with Sach last nite all the way to Malibu at one in the morning with “I cant explain” by The Who blaring..Which made me miss Blackie like no words can ever cover….as we got off the freeway by the Capital records building [Think “Ford Fairlaine”] I screamed out the window “GIMME A FUCKIN DEAL!!!@!#@!#@!#” Sach laughed his ass off and I felt some what sheepish but who gives a shit right??

I know that my drummer is gonna be back in Canada real soon..Thats gonna be one fuck of a shock to the system.Ross sent me an email the other day and Ash said that he got wasted and someone cut his goatee off….which I am praying is a lie…..Its heavy…what it takes….and I have got nothing left to hock….we all feel it so hard but its all for the sound…send these epic letters to each other full of mind breaking facts and they all end with “The mix is massive…..”

Isnt that what life is ment to be all about? The massive mix? I had what people would say is “All” once…big house…Husband….Sick fuckin Ford [78′ Fairlane!] but it never mixed….Walk it like you talk it and I am unafraid to say that I didnt for along time….I was just another almost ran in Newtown who still had the safety of a life…got clean and settled down….and I knew that there was somthing missing even more than getting high…

All these cunts who tell you that “I was always punk/metal…” Yeah…Ok….Everyone evolves…if its in you it will bloom and that is somthing that you dont have to defend to a shower of gobshites who have nothing better to do than live at home and Spend all their money on 50 dollar import long sleves trying to out cool the next guy…I dunno about you but Metal/punk always ment a place where you could go sick and NOT be fucked over…look…I buy the teeshits too but why have ya gotta be such a hoiler than thou dick?

Go and listen to The Hard-ons song I quoted at the beginning….Punk Police…Metal…Hardcore…Ska…What ever….Rock on Or fuck off!

Ponder apon it….Now back to my escape from semi- normality….where were we???…ahhh……

I was missing myself..I was a shit wife and I still make a crap girlfriend cause where ever this fuckin thing leads me is where I am ment to be….When I get to meet all you guys….. when you sing back….

Nothing worse than the lies you tell yourself….me and my dumb assed red light life….all to get me here…and I am sleeping on a sofa with my sister covered in dog fur and you wanna know somthing? It could not be any more perfect…

‘Cept if the dr told me that I would die if I didnt start smoking again……

When Ash wrote he had just done the Edit on “Good Mourning” which leaves 11 to go….So I guess I will catch em all round April….This break is the best thing that could have happened to me…..Like I have written a heap of Sikfuks in Canada….You rock….its just when the lies became exposed shit went wrong….deal with idiots? Get assfucked….. But For Endre and the sounds we got?
I would do it all over again….cant belive that I am saying that but the music….the fuckin sounds!!!….there is nothing else worth that purity….

Gotta say well done to The Hell City Glamours on snagging the support for Alice Cooper…..I know so many motherfuckers are gonna be green with envy….I dont miss the tall poppy bullshit on that beautiful island at all.
I am behind you boys all the way…give em hell.

Fuck the doubters
They will always be right where ya leave em.
Behind you…

Dont get none on ya.
SF4L
Michele.

What the public reproaches you for,

take precious care of,it is you.
-Jean Cocteau.

Never not remeber that this I knew of you and that it was mine alone.I tried to tell you what it ment but it got lost in the noise before you ran to shine.It,Me feeling this great big thing for you seemed so unimportant really, and now I hold it in vain…where are you tonight?….
-Unsent letter 5:07am August 11th 04′

You exhaust me with your apathy
Your long lines
Im sad with pity
In stereo.
-“Rail” New song.

I was in a rank mood for two days cause I drempt that I slept Through a Black Flag show and then I was dumb enough to tell my roomies who have been dining out on it ever since.

Ross is the only person in my band talking to me and after all the time that we lived in each others pockets I am easy with the radio silence.

All I can hear from the sofa is “OW! ow!….” not as kinky as it sounds but more on that later…..

So now I gotta read on my own band site that my boys are homeless in Calgary.I am broke and somewhat useless down here so if any of my old crew up there see them can y’all help em out?.Its Me who will owe you as Bon Scotts words flow through me…[“…gettin had,gettin took,tell you folks its harder than it looks….”]..I am not really in the best position down here.Read:Broke and depending on my sister.

Ah Family! My baby brother seems to have forgotten that I exist and considering what a crap sister I was its not really suprising so what are ya gonna do? And its round a year ago now that my beloved big brother Blackie and My darlin Fernanda tied the knot.

Fuck! A year.Finally got word from the Glamours camp which is good considering how shirty the B* was getting with them for not staying in touch.All is well in their world,more pussy than a pet store with those lads….As always Rock heals a broken heart….Gene will be back in BC now…sigh….Wish we could have got into more trouble but them’s the breaks…..seeing all our names listed in the “Thank you’s” on the new album is still messing with my atoms……

Sin and B* have fallen into a non stop X-box vortex that involves building skateramps and such.I just lie on the floor and look at stuff.20/20 fucking vision man….I dont wanna go to bed tonite cause its too cool SEEING stuff.

Ice cubes in the bong???…….

Ross is telling me to write and contact people and I am doin the best I can with what I have got.I am trying to imagine Ash crashing at the studio and my head spins at what we are doing ALL the time…..Why the fuck not…..I Have had no news from the AWOL drummer in a while so I hope that all is going well for him and he is getting all the love he can before the next recon.

Already got some cool sikfuks here in LA and I have to tell you with all my fanboy heart ,when someone tells you that “You guyys would go over HUGE at The Whiskey” It takes all Ive got not to spack out totally and start tap dancing.The Whiskey!???!!! THE FUCKIN WHISKEY!!!!!! Jim Morrison ,Iggy Pop,The Cult,GnR,The Crue…..and us?

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

There is a pretty heavy “pay to play” thing here but its great being friends with 3 cause he is giving me the inside track and introducing me to bookers at The gig,The Dragonfly…..Its just like it was when we started….Build it and hope that they will come.I am sweet with it all.I cant think of wanting anything else and god only knows the paths that I have taken have never been boring…..

In the land of weird these people dont know what to make of little old me…They look at me like I owe em’ money or somthing….

I lie round doing sit ups and writing down all the ink I am gonna get once I hit coin…..Its a long fucking list…..!…Starting at the knuckles and working my way up……Jooles te ame motherfucker! These mix CDs are the shit! “Moby Dick” Hell yes!!!….Its raining again which is kinda shitty but I will live.La looks hot in the rain.Kinda like a….no, I dont think I need to go there right now…..

I was talking to Mo Mayhem about the “haters” tonite.All you sikfuks go like half staved rotties so I never have to worry about defending my Honnor there! Id like to tell you not to bother but thats what I got taught in school and all it did was keep me down and get me fucked over.As long as it dosnt consume you why not get even? Just a thought….

Been involved in alot of emails about such things of late and you know what? Theres fuck all wrong with being bitter…Why bite your tounge if the person in question is a total cunt? I have an unfounded but somewhat canny theory that repression leads to cancer….

I am not gonna die thinking that there was shit that I should have said or done I would rather wear all my mistakes than live in fear.

I shouldnt write to y’all while listening to Slayer….snigger….Nah,s’cool.Id still be an Onery old cunt no matter what I was listening to.

HOLA! So fuck me! How great is the whole Myspace set up???.Keep an eye on the “SF4L” site as Miss Shelia is tweaking the profiles…The art work that a few Sfs had up is amazing and I wanna know who the fuck is doing it!!! Send it all thru to the site! Its fucking awsome.All the shit you guys do and write blows me away….I am still waiting on Miss Annie to take a photo of her bedroom door so y’all can see it! Its like the Tourettes acid trip! And when doing Grafitti,not saying that any of you WOULD do somthing like that being the upright christian soilders that you are….for fuck sake make it huge and dont get caught!….its best not to tell me about such folly but I wouldnt mind seeing the pictures!

-Anyone need a drink?
-Nah…you dont have a gram on ya, do ya?
-Nah sorry…how about a Sprite?

How un-rock am I in retrospect? No coke, No cheap women [I am working on that….]No pixie meat boy groupies,No sold out at The Forum…YET!….HA!!!!!…I could not give a shit to tell ya the truth.3 asked me tonite if I turn into a headcase when I drink….got Me thinking….from what I can remember I think the answer was yes….Almost been sober for more years than I was a raging drunk now which makes me smirk at the face of many collective hangovers…I was talking about it to someone else the other day….its just the fact that when I do a thing its in my nature to go all out and thats why I dont do it.I have been compulsive my whole life.Primo addict material.

I was great at it.You mix that with my size and shit got ugly fast.I dont want anything but rock and roll and rude dreams about Adrien Brody to own my ass so there you have it.

Wouldnt mind a smoke though….sigh….

I have not seen myself without face furniture in years….what a trip….I keep going to push my glasses up on my nose automatically…very weird….

So what else am I up to?…new hair tommrow…over the orange streaks and Sin wants me to do her Dreads so it could be good…She is Bright blue right now…killer!…Doing stuff for my sister and listening to alot of The Who and The kinks.Doing the happy dance cause I can get my fat ass back into my cammo shorts and sewing patches onto my hoodie….Not really TV sets outta windows at the Riot house on the strip but I am workin on it.

I know that Rossco still wants to put all the lyrics into the new album but I dunno how I feel about it.I keep putting him off but he wont take that for much longer.I like it when I can get my hands on the words…but?….fuck it…you guys tell me…I have gotta lighten up about shit like that anyway…..I was thinking of putting them up in the members page but my crusty punk bass god will look at me like I am an elitist gob-shite….I so want you guys to get all 13 songs…I dont wanna cut any more.

So from the jungle I bid you goodnite.
Keep it up…all of it…all the time…you rule.
SF4L
Michele

Hollywood,CA.

Is she pretty on the inside? Is she pretty on her back?
-Hole.

I think last night you were driving circles around Me. -Kirsten Hersh.

But thats the way I like it baby…I dont want to live forever.
-Motherhead.

I have got a while to fuck around before our mate Sach comes to pick me up and due to many disturbing dreams I find myself awake so lets just roll with it shall we?
Good.
Going to see Faster Pussycat at The Dragonfly tonite as our fantastic hosts are friends with Taime Down so back into leather I squeeze all in the name of Rock.

We tend to all stay up all night so I know that I am living in the right house.Sin’s phone just rang “Been caught stealing” cute…..I am watching Kill Bill Over and over again while all and sundry get stoned on hash oil lollypops. The mind fucking boggles.Not much fun living in LA with no wheels thats for fuckin sure.Me and Sach blather on about buying bikes….big mean choppers….I should sell a kidney! Fuck ! Thats a great idea! I am gonna call UCLA medical center and see how much that would get me! Mmmmm! A big scar right down my back too….sweet……

Love watching the trustifarian rock stars in this city.Perfect road cases,big brand new SUVs, no day jobs and killer hair.Do my fists itch? Yes. Does it make me want it more? Yes…..

Gene was run off his feet while he was in town getting ready for the start of their tour.The night that we went out was super cool.Went to one of their techs places where I met Dave from The Dickes and The Angry Samoans.Tried not to be a fan boy and failed with bells on.I have been listening to his new band The Dimwits .Hell cool.Arnold,whos pad it was then chucked in a Van Halen Dvd and a fine night was had by all.The SYL tour starts on April 1st ,which had us giggling but the best part of the nite was hearing the whole of “Alien” from beginning to end.All I can tell you is consider the bar raised yet again……

Princess Jacobi bit the bullet and started a My Space site for the band ! www.myspace/tourettessf4l I am not into the whole thing, though I should start now!!! [If you could see me hunt and peck my way through a whitetrash you would understand why!] But it is amazing and left me quite flustered so if you do trip the light fantastic up there please be sure to check it out and leave a comment [Miss Jack? This ALMOST makes up for you leaving us out here in LA! xxx]

I know that you are all out there doing it for the band and my thanks to y’all is endless.All the emails and ideas that you have been sending me are great.Just dont let the motherfuckers get you down.Remember what I have said before….if they are talking about me/us? well,we win….some of that shit can get pretty off colored but you cant let it get to you…kill em with kindness [thanx ma!] Every fuck with a net connection is a hero from behind the keyboard.I thank you all so much for going into bat and I am not asking you to stop,far from it! The more the better! Just Know that they are bitter twisted and sad…I am on your side.

I am itchy after being here for only two weeks ,nothing ever seems to move as fast as I want it to and its my lot in life to love stoners who dont care….Sach is a godsend.I am going to get my contact lenses today so beware hecklers of the future cause I am gonna be able to see your rotten asses.Leif filmed DEP at the Annadale and said that Nunchukka went off as always in the support.Natch.Pugent Stench at the Marquee this week end as well….just cause I am not there does not mean that I am out of the loop…far from it! I know all.

I get alot of one-line cryptic emails from Ross that tend to tell me a whole lot of nothing which does not look like it will bode well for me.That and pix of Ash passed out by a spew bucket in the studio so it looks like mixing is going smashing.

I am trying [as hard as it is] not to think about the band and what that part of my future holds right now as I am in the painful process of trying to remove my head from my ass.When you are in a unit like this its hard not to make it your everything which is what I find myself guilty of alot.On the road makes it even harder.Mike and Ross have got significant others to bury themselves in and Ash is an alien so I think that is why I am keeping my head low down here.Truth be told I just dont want them to find me untill they have no choice.Does that make me a bad person? If it does I guess that is nothing new…….

All I know is if I dont get my head wrapped around the next level it will not be pretty.Do I take it all too seriously? Yeah,yeah I do….I think,write and burn far too much.I am always tring to beat the clock.So Uncool….I cant just sit round and wait for it to fall on my head like birdshit of the gods…I learnt that early in my lfe.Pretty opens all the does but if you look and act like me you would wanna be funny and carry a big stick.Its not a complaint….just a fact.

The B* introduced Me to Lemmy the other night !!! After shaking my somewhat clammy awe struck hand he said in that familier voice “So,You finally made it” …Angels sang dolls! I take that to be some kind of lucky key bestowment into the red neon underworld here…or somthing…my imagination rolls…..

The B* is taking a-1 care of my broken side kick as for which i am totally greatful for.I know that it was hard for her to see me as fucked up as I was when I got here from what my Miss Suzanne likes to call “The great frozen” north.Fat,Shattered and Mourning….not a good mix….

I had a shit time but met the best people…always the fuckin way .Ryan, who some of you Sfs know as the 1st Canadian Sf tattoo,wrote me the other day which was cool.He is best friends with the fool that I was dating upthere who dumped me royal [I, myself am blaming it on the altitude cause I should have known better than to mix it up with a civillian…I digress…] When said- dumper gets back into town my joy will be endless as all of the dipshites mates got inked while tryhard was gone.”SF4L” indeed!

I know that Ryan hits the chat so say hey and look out for anyothers who had your grumpy Lts back over the last 6 months…those motherfuckers rule!

Revenge is sweet its mine….and yours….I gotta get gone…more later k’?

SF4L
Michele

Its only teenaged wasteland….

-The Who

Things have never been so swell and I have never been so well.
-K.Cobain.

Im Looking California and feeling Minasota.
-Soundgarden.

“The Dwarves and Bloodduster were great.They played the Tourettes DVD before they went on and I miss you….”

I know that she does cause she told me not to come back……

Sometimes you have to look at photos to see who it is you are missing.

Big Old Echo and the Bunnyman style “Killing moon” out there tonite and I am hopped up on Chai tea and the Rolling stones so brace yourselves.

The weather finally broke today and I can say that it is the 1st clear day I have seen in months.We roll like twin 8 balls down Santa Monica bvd.I go for my wallet and find a sharp hip bone instead,6 months of craft dinner misery melting off my frame.Smogged out and surreal with so much running through my tinny echo laden head.

Ghetto birds 8 miles high chop,chop,chop past palm tress and I look up and smile into the eather at my lone star starved Da-nang skyline.”Gimme,gimme,gimme” Black flagging on my internal I-pod.To my left is the Hollywood sign and the email made me smile “Do you know where you are?” He wrote me from the other side of the world “Your in the jungle baby…..”

Gonna steal me a bunch of flowers and go out and Lay them at Mr Ramones statue feet for Me and Blackie.

Gonna get into as much trouble as I can…..

Sitting on a low wall out side a mexican bar thats name roughly translates as “The Crazy pussy”.I hold my sisters ciggerette as she runs into the store.It feels too good and I cant remember why I quit.I have emotional amnesia.Pizza is 99 cents a slice and the humanity dolls! Its all over the place like a rash.I am glutting on the human condition.And Manga comix where the girls keep feeling each other up in bathhouses.

Bleached out proud underaged mexican mothers with jesus eyes beneath feirce eyebrows.Thier babies dressed like the dolls that they have replaced in teenaged arms.Blue tattoos on necks,hands…. names and families and god all under the skin.”Sup’Ese?” and the deals are made faster than the human eye.The old lady at the bus stop screaming at nothing and I am having an overload of the senses after my snowbound months.

There is so much coke getting done that I get some kind of weird contact high and stay up writing while they all burn and turn around me,white powder fueled roman candles.I listen to the Rolling Stones and Gram Parsons winding silver with Miss Emmy Lou….anywhere is Nellcote if you really want it to be….. read the tarot over and over cause you now that I have got a million things that I NEED to know Baybee..

..sat in a stripclub watching the fights thinking of a fine handed guitar hero from my hometown who’s skills and wit break me….smirking and the flying fists and the long legs in front of me swaying at the tip rail….

…. and she told me and my sister “Life is not all backstage passes and rock and roll you know” …I whispered it to her as we swayed backstage yet again…No one could work out what we were laughing at.While they flirted with her I snuck under aged fans in and stole the bands untouched rider and gave it to the kids behind the fence.”Who are you??” they asked me as I gave them passes that I had “Found” “I am a fan like you” I smirked and watched them light up before their heroes.

We made a wish at Ozzys star down in Hollywood as winos pissed against the dumpser in the alley.I dont care how smaltzy it seems.I have never been cool and I dont give a fuck.I am all about the magic cause sometimes that is all you have got.

He said to me “What did they do to you?” and I know that its nothing that I didnt let them do on my twisted quest to hit bottom.I am a science experement.

I knew that you would all rise to the call.All the pics and sugestions have been blowing my mind.Keep the artwork comming and the more profiles the better.I have been getting alot of kick back off chatboards so keep it up,Go and check out metalsludge and check the forum there.Some one has posted so go and throw your weight in behind them.Who ever is nailing the Otep fans? I thank you.I wrote Murray at Drum with our exploits so keep an eye out for that.

So ! I am on the Strapping Behind the scenes ! Sooo Cool! The girl you see in the Tourettes t-shirt is a sweet solo artist called Marnie Mains.I forgot that she was wearing it that day till I saw the footage…So I write my toxic twin to say thank you and see whats up and Lo! The Strapping boys were in town last Nite doing their new filmclip!I was on the phone so fast! Dev has flown back out to Europe as as Byron, he has a show to do with FF so Gene Is here for a week and y’all know what that means! Hell will be raised! I am so stoked cause I missed out on Xmas here with him and the B* so I am happy.

3’s band Bombchild are playing on Friday so its all good…I will be there with bells on.And clothes…I am sure thats a visual that no one needed.

Rebuilding.
SF4L
Michele