All I can say is my life is pretty plain……

-Blind Mellon.

Here I am ,rock you like a hurricane.
-Scorpions.

You know how we do it.
-Ice Cube.

R.I.P Hunter S Thompson.
Along with Miss Suzanne and so many others I will dream of the bats and count myself lucky that he stuck around for as long as hard as he did.Go easy into the tide…..

Its presidents day today so all had a day off.I am listening to a mix CD that I stole off Ross at the Ranch while my beloved B* reads gossip mags on the bed and I consider building an ark cause the rain is so heavy.Thinking about heading to Jamacia in a few months.I need to feel the sand twixt my little piggies and what can I tell ya? I have a sister who spoils me rotten.I got the jones to travel after seeing pics of her hash drenched trip to Rome.

I am so tired that I am tripping.I keep forgetting to sleep….erm…eat..blahblahblah..Its all about going to the fights too.I miss my boys but I am really hoping that I dont have to clap my jaded peepers on em’ for a while as this is the first time I have had to myself in too long.Even if being by myself at this point involves 3 other people and 2 dogs.I can hear the bong cough of doom over Machine Head which is playing in my discman at 9 so that must be some killer weed.

I am lucky that my entry back in here has been greased by the fact that all and sundry are in love with the B* so they put up with me no matter what.So funny…all the men in her life being super cool to me to impress her.My lot in life confuses me at the best of times.

Ross told me that I had a snowflakes chance in hell of getting thin….eat my fuck bass god! I am 10 pounds down.Yeah….. Repeat after Moi “Iggggggggy ….mmmmmmmm…..”

Me and the B* are going to check out new living arangements just off Melrose.Some long beach skate rat…sounds good to me…sharing a room again….I am not planing on getting laid so its not gonna be that whole sports sock on the doorknob thing….I messed up with my NYE resolution of being celibate so I kicked it in on the Chinese new year…and the year of the cock as well….sigh….go figure….I have dated enough cocks so its not tooooo much of a loss.I am better off with my imagiation as it is.

The Princess Jacobi is staying in Sydney as we weep in LA……

Lotta people doing alotta drugs doin alotta sitting around.Welcome to my life.I dont question why I stay clean but by god I have had some nights filled with fuckin wonder over the last year.I got told by Ash on more than one occasion that I am weak due to the fact that I cant indulge.The word that he was looking for was “Dont” not “Cant”.I want more.I want to be high on playing…..I would not be in a band if I was still using anyway due to the fact that I was totally unbearable and that is my lot in life….I have to deal with everyone else being high giving me shit.

What the fuck ever.

I am in heavy cahoots with my sister and we are getting the tourettes “Myspace” site up and running.Sin and 3 are all about the information superhighway so I am lucky there….I am more about the booklined backroad but when it comes to the band I will grit my teeth…..

As I type this to you I sit beneath a signed picture of Monster Magnet.Our amazing hostess Sin is a well known lipservice model and a rockstar magnet.Looking into Third rail showing us the love this week as well.

I have been busting everyones chops via email at the moment cause we need to show all the world how cool you sikfuks really are.Miss Marilyn has had some sik ideas and I asked her to get a think tank rolling on the forum.So if you are not a member sign up and see what you can do.I am gonna be in touch with as many of y’all as I can be.Bust my chops if you come up with anything and we will do it.

If you have done any art relating to the band or if you have been tattooed for the tribe,let us know and send us pictures.Ross is the man and he will get it up there fast.We are also into any pics that you have had taken with any of the band members with your name/date/details on the back so that we can get a better rogues gallery running.

Hopefully the profiles will be back up over the next while.

Dont get none on ya and keep it burning….
SF4L
Michele

I feel you…

-Depeshe mode

You know when you’ve found it because you know when they take it away.
-Damien Rice

Strange voices are saying….
-Cruel Summer.
[That is for my stoner sister]

[“Ohhhh Blame the fuckin Bananrama on me why dont ya!” The Brittstar.]

Think like cocaine,Think like knives and insomnia,think like a felon,think like a bullet,Still like a chalk out line and your life is the crime,Walk like you are fire proof and fifty feet tall,Sneer like Sid and shock like Nancy,Dogtown is “just a kiss away” crooned Mick while Keith got High and I grumbled about Rock and Roll Dennys closing down.

[“Whatever you do” She croons irony twice removed barely related “Dont tell anyone” I flinch and she looks away]

My mind is waking up and gettin sharp on the sleeze and “I will NE-VAH go back!!!” [The Scarlett O’ Hara of rock…] I will run from small towns till I am dragging stumps.I will also make enough money to go into therapy about this shit when I am in my Fat Elvis white jumpsuit faze.

Sin is sitting on the sofa of doom.We just never made it to bed last nite.Oh lala! What are ya gonna do???…strange days in -deed.She bestowed a huge Wendy O Williams patch on me last nite [Totally breaking my black heart with her fine boned kindness] that is now gracing the back of my feral Illicit hoody [ Miss Sophia,If you are reading this …My rockin ass would be more than happy to endorse your most awsome product….Heheheh….Hook me up and give Mr Craft a big kiss while you are at it…..]

If I hear anymore about how great our new DVD is I am gonna go nuts! No fair! Want a copy NOW! Not that I am gonna drag myself of the Sunset strip for a while.Driving down the PCH at one in the morning “Deliverance” by my lauded COC blaring…What can I say? Depravity suits me….Its got my number and it keeps me mean.That is where and how I am needed.

[“She was the one who said that Rollins was amazing in bed…” I choked on an ice cube as she slid by me Buxom and raw.]

The B* and Sin are surrounded by stunning women at all times and they all flirt with me and I blush like a tool,I am rusty as all hell!.I am the ten year old boy with a slingshot to the B*’s beauty Zoo.Not that I am complaining!!!! I love having hot women around me all the time.I just gotta get my chops up again.I feel like I may as well have a peice of fuckin straw haging outta my mouth right now.The country cousin down from the sticks…it will pass.Its all falling away with every hour I exhale smog and grinning malice, reading porn mags on the floor covered in dog hair and happy fatigue.Maggie is a big olde collie somthing cross and she bumps me when I stop petting her.3D is a manicial pug who looks like he could explode at any moment….I walked in last nite and Sin was holding his happy little self buy the loose skin on his back.I swear that they were BOTH laughing.

She says this is the Boonies but I dont think that its that bad at all.I would be happy living in a trailer in Reseda right now so whadda I know?.Its a mexican enclave so I go the the Vons and smile like a goof at the 99 cent prayer candles and soap mamgizine with their lurid spanish headid lines in pastel pink.There is a psychic down the block and the gringos fog up the window of the laundrymat as Britt glides by,blond as an angel.I am dressing like a gangbanger and they dont know what the hell to make of this spacy white girl who wants to be a beaner.Kakkis hangin low, wife beater,Rosary beads and proud ink.Beanie and bandanna.Think of a cross between Mike Muir and Tim Arrmstrong with tits and you would be on your way.

Yes,I scare myself…..

All I know is that I am running round with out a jacket and the livin is easy.

Sooooo….MOTLEY FUCKIN CRUE AT THE FUCKIN FORUM!!!!!!!!

*gasp*

Ok …I am fine…breathe…. I am now drinking far tooo much Sprite.Gross.Its the B*s new thing.She has been out cold all day.I think that i am gonna hang back tonite friday nite and all.I am gonna be wasted by sun down…maybe not…I am making up for lost time in the black leather cowboy hat that Gene gave me before I left BC…..I SO shoulda been here when they played The Key Club at xmas…still shitty bout that.

Delux has been writing me so I guess that he does miss my addled ass up in stonersville.He is sending me a pack so i cant wait to plaster stickers everywhere.

It was ALL about seeing GWAR at The Key Club on my 1st nite back.No one else could have done such a tasteless tribute to Lacy peterson and fetus involving slime.I bow to their glory.The B* and her guardian Angel Sach beaming at me.Me and her sending vibes back to the beloved punk boys of our youth.Some curly headed metal boy and his friend bailing me up and telling me that I looked like a Girl version of Dime.I asked them if it was because of how I was dressed or my pink Goatee.They looked confused so I thanked them for the mega compliment and let them off the hook.Irony and the average septic are not the best mix……Bless em.

Sins Husband, 3, has been squiring me to a few shows and its been rad.[Tommy-speak!] Lotsa emo screamo “My Mom-My dad…” So-cal tom foolery.These lanky lads should spend more time on their choops than seeing how cool they look jumping off the drum riser before the chorus [Miow!] Well Fuck!!! You want that I lie!?? The crowds here are so up for it and the bands are lazy because of it.Y’all know what its like back home…everyone in the room who has never seen you before has to be converted by force.Lemmme at this shit!!! Stand in line for mucho wah fuckage of the 1st degree!

In other news I snapped my tooth yesterday.Fuckin dentists…Oh well,Keef looked well dodgy for years on the teeth fron and lets not get into his highness Duane Peters.I will live.House fulla decks so I will end up injured sooner or later.Who give a fuck! I just cant wait to get ink….sigh…the B* has been taking monster good care of me.So lucky! Its like having a rock trainer to get me back into the ring! No shit…she saw me go tooo low.

Its the Tribe that you make oh mighty Sikfuks.Thats where the love lies and the arms fold around you no questions asked.

Roll with it cause it will roll you when the wheels fall off the fucker and at your darkest hour thats all that you can really ask.

Y’all do it for me and I thank you.

I have now met someone who Shagged Sir Hank. Color me tickled.

Writing like a motherfucker and here comes album no 4#.

3 is starting a new band so as soon as he is running with that and I suss out who is the real deal here I will start posting links.I bet that Delux did NOT miss this!

Bound by sound and sik for life….
SF4L
Michele

Is this the part of the song that you wrote where I gotta come and save the day?

Did ya miss Me?.
C.Love.

-Cant belive all the feelings that your making Me feel.
The Darkness.

-I will find a center in you…….
Tool.

Pick me up at the airport,wrap me in you godess arms and love will always do you harm….

Hollywood is still the same.Me and the B* hand in hand dancing on the stars and I swear that I will fade here like a Queen song,bliss through sound…..No more fuckin snow and that is the grace and the glory right there.Parting was sweet sorrow but leaving was a fucking doddle.The last few days were amazing.Kerry and Johnny took what looks to be becomming the family plunge and so down to Jokers we went and under Mooses gun [Who did my Dimebag tattoos].Ross came too and I gotta tell you Hearing “Stand” blasting and watching a SF singing along and bleeding thru the ink was a highlight for Me .I think it just freaked Ross out.

SF4L means alot of things to alot more people by the day.I am glad.Kerry got it across the top of her foot and Johnny outdid himself with it,Old English, huge,Red and black right across his collar bone.We kept looking at each other muttering the now band mantra of “Hookers and Blow….”

Y’all amaze me.Me and B* are going under this week.She is thinking the ankle and I am all about my knuckles.Her mate Clay is the monster artist so he is gonna do it.

I videoed it of course.Our DVD is gonna rule!

Speaking of which,Leif,My Brother above and beyond the cause has made a DVD of our last show at the Annandale and from the stuff he has sent me its gonna be amazing so even if we dont make it back we are gonna get y’all a fix somehow! he keeps telling me that he is going under the gun soon and I think thats why I am trying to hurry it up! I am getting beaten on both side of the planet now! Fuckydoodle as Miss Suzanne would lament…….

So,I got my ass kicked by the winter and some small town losers.The pay off was worth it.A new part of our tribe and an album that wont quit.I am gonna hide ot here for as long as I can.B* has got LA wrapped around her little finger and I am gonna be posting the pix of her and Lemmy ASAP.

I dunno where to start.Dec 8th ruined me so thanx for understanding why I couldnt get it together and how much more could I have complained about the weather!??!I mean,C’mon! It was all tooooo much.

We are living on a huge sofa at Sin and 3’s house and I am being houseslave to counter the fact that I am broke off my ass again.These people are so cool.And I got dogs to play with! As I type this I am listening to Fear and Fleetwood Mac which always seems to befall me in LA.B* is still passed out.I flaked hell early last nite which is why I am bugging y’all now.

Delux taped me the day before I left and I want y’all to know that I am not gonna be as fat as Marlon Brando forever.I had two choices.Get back on the horse or steal Kraft dinner,binge and write sad assed songs about people who dont love me.I chose the latter as I dont know where to shoplift smack from and didnt want to date a dealer.

On a diet that is working now.This is a bad place to be fat and ugly in but as all and sundry are usually looking at the B* I will be able to starve in private.Tricky moi! Living on Starbucks Chai [I am already going to hell in a handbasket so what do I give a fuck….] And this really sludgy green stuff that swears that its good for me.Looks like snot…..

Had a ball on Messenger before I bailed so to anyone who got on it with me on my 17 hour binges thank you.So cool to hear and see y’all again.

Gotta get a drink…IM HOT THATS WHY!!!!
Fuck yes! Running round in shorts again! Smell the flowers buddy! I am all about trying to get the track listing sorted and the boots on Hollywood bvd.I am the Gold dust woman! Sin is a big Hello kitty fan so me and the B* scored her a cool backpack to say thanks for putting up with us. She is the woman that I wish I was.Stunning and cool. B* always hooks it up right.

I get back to cool patches,stickers and rosary beads that have been blessed by the pope.She rocks….

I dunno where to start as it has been so long since I have talked to y’all…..I can feel the cowgirl within waking up.This place does that to me.I wanna go down to Vegas for the fights in the 19th.1] Cause they look good and 2] I was promised sneeky affection for merch. So I am a cheap date! Sue me! Its not as if I am gonna be able to collect as said foxy is on the other side of the world.

I am gonna try and answer some of the questions that ya’ll have been firing my way rather than lamenting about my totally suspect lovelife and all the people that I wanna kill.Ho-hum.I wont get far……

[Before I get going thanx to my mate Jooles who not only stuffed me full of Sushi on my last nite in Calgary but Made me the best mix cds of all time that I am using for the soundtrack to my folly…. cheers brutha!]

Are we comming back?
Yes ,with the heads of Simple Plan hanging from a rope around my gore stained neck….I just needed to get that out of my system.
The problem is that once I come back I cant get out and that is why I am staying out here.I miss y’all so much but there is so much that I want to do with what we are so its gonna be a while……

What is the album called?
“SICKSENCE” You can thank our stoned guitar god for that one.I dig it …What do you think?

How many people have got inked for the band so far?
Everyone but the band much to my lazy assed self ,it seems! Ummmm…The Princess was the 1st one under with her massive leg peice and …ummm….I think that its about 7 so far and heaps who swear it as soon as they are legal which makes me smile…I swear that I am next! 3 in Calgary which is not bad for a six month effort.

How many tracks on the new album? 13.

How long do you think you can hide from your band?
Heh…eheheheh….hehehhh……….

I am sweating! Un- fuckin- real! There is sun and smog! And david bowie is telling me that I too can be a hero just for one day.I am gonna go read guitar mags and soak it up.We are going to GWAR tonite so vomit stained I will write y’all again soon.

The B* is awake so heres to jumping back into bed and talking shit!

Thanx for everything.
SF4L
Michele.

You take this love………….

If you were not a fan he converted you.Made you feel like the only person in the room.I saw grown men float away after 5 minuites with him.He made me feel that my dream was worth somthing ,he was one of the 1st people that I ever outlined the vision that I am living now.He gave me an injection of “Kick Ass ” that has served me to this day….

I owe him so much.

I want someone to fix this feeling and to tell me that its all one big joke.This is not the way that the story goes Man.This has got nothing to do with anything.I know that I am not the only one with a broken heart tonite.I am at the studio.I need to be near this.

I woke up today to our landlady buzzing round.Felt like shit,brewed tea, imagined a ciggerette and fell over in front of the TV.I got the second half of the newsfash.I have spent alot of time making weird noises.I hope to be making a living out of it sooner rather than later.I heard this mad keening noise and later realized that it was Me.No one was home.I screamed untill I didnt.

My tears froze on my face.

It was the summer of 96′ and I had just landed back in Sydney after LA again.I was so ready for somthing.I had been out in California singing songs about evil veins and tired hookers….Knowing that I was onto somthing but needing it to be somewhere else.Somewhere bigger..Living in a one bedroom walkup in Glebe and working all the long nights.I was rolling through the red lights keeping my nose clean when the barman said to Me

“Hey look! There is a band over there” He coughed and contiued “They look like your kind of people”

Sitting at a back table was Bobby,Vinnie and Dime.I could not belive it.I did the 1st thing that came to mind.A round of whiskey shots and a prayer and I was there. Introductions and thanks.

“Your not drinkin’ Michele?” Asked Dime after he got Me into the seat next to him.Now these boys were drinking and so was everyone around them.Hard.Dime loved it,loved people who could keep up…..

“Nah,Ive been on the wagon for a while now but I will be sure to let you know if the wheels ever fall off”

He laughed his ass off and then ordered Me one of everything that the bar had with no booze in it.No shit.One of everything.That is the kind of person that commands loyalty.I lauhed my ass off as drink after drink arrived.A perfect southern gentleman.

He told everyone to leave me alone and not give me any shit.

On the way back to the hotel we climbed the big copper statue outside the cop station and beat on it till the pigs came out.He talked his way out of that one as well.

Put me in a cab loaded with passes and tickets.

And told Me that I had to do this.

This is really hard for me to write this as I am sure it is hard for everyone who was ever touched by anything this great man ever did.Thank you all for the emails.This is shit writing at its finest.

Just know that I,like you, am and always will be a fan and that I am out on the wire with you tonight.

I know how lucky I was to have shared even the smallest amount of my life with Him.To see the gift that he gave up close with no ego.The way that he shared his lifetime.I would not be the person that I am or doing what I am doing with out that chance I was given.

The friends I made on that tour are still with Me today and I send all of My condolances out to Gooch,Bobby,Arron,the Cat and all the crew .And to The Abbott family.I am so fucking sorry.

You Sikfuks know all of this but I want you to know that I am with you on it.

I cant do this right now.
Stay strong.
SF4L
Michele

But I cant stop thinkin’ bout’ doin’ it one more time…

“Bad obsession” G’n’R

I like the girls and the money and the shame of life.
-Butthole Surfers.

I am gonna be off the air once Ross books so dig it while you can….

Happy Hannucka.

Go light ya fuckin candles…I will do it in My imagination I guess.I get to deck out a tree tonite.Miss Suzanne makes it hard for me to wallow.As does Miss Annie who turned up at 13th on Sunday [Me awake 48 hours and feeling it] to capture shots of this band.I was thanking her as she was putting up with our shit and she replyed though gritted teeth “Just finish the fucking album,I want my album” Whats not to love?

Black and white and moody as all buggery.Me in my beloved Hard- ons hoody.I couldnt feel my hands for about 40 min after the fact which was kinda scary to tell ya the truth.

Death to promoters who lie.Thank you.

Gets to the point when a wandering rock queen has to train herslef to pee standing up.I gotta lot of graves to piss on when the time comes…….

Gotta get My kyuss cd back off Jules.he traded Me the desert sessions 10 but I NEED the low end again.

In how many ways do you think that I am totally uninpressed with the weather? I will answer that for you.All of them.I can go to the grave knowing the feeling of my snot freezing in my nose.Phlem cubes…Rank.It was all kinda mild till sunday and then BOOM! -18 and fucking snow up the yang.Miss Suzanne lent me a coat which is akin to wearing a bed.A big tan bed.I cant belive that people are hip to this?.Delux and I were half watching a special on Usher and how he spend his money.Ross was all indignant and I gotta admit it was all a bit much.So of course the conversation turned to “What would you do with that kinda money?’ I darkly commented from the recliner that I would never see another winter in my life.And shit loads of plastic surgery.I have always wanted to have my belly button filled in.Somthing different.

Delux is well fed up with, as he puts it “People fucking with ma “Wah” babe”. I thought that ment that some one had been tampering with the bowels of his roadcase.Nope.Its something to do with yoga and such.He has been putting Me though the wringer in that respect.The man is a machine.I too am sick of “Wah” fuckage.

I am talking myself back from the ledge you know? This is what I wanted,I still belive that, its just a shame that I had to bring myself along.Trying so hard to get out from underneath my own wheels.I am tired as hell and I shut my eyes and I just burn.I think so much.I need to toughen up or quit.The 1st option thanks.Its all there I am just to wasted to get to it.People are the true erosion of a lifetime.Staking a claim in fearlessness and honesy.There is that giddy drunk moment when you are relived within the fact that no one can fuck you over as badly as you do to yourself.What can they do?

300 TV station and do we get any porn? I rest my case….I cant remember what that case was but….

Mikey leaves tonite.I could fell his stress waves seeping though the floor last nite.I have gone from all sleep to none.Which is why I am here nailing you guys.For all the shit he went through [ And put himself through ] he really nailed some amazing drumtakes.I thought the top of his head was going to blow off.I am a cronic self abuser but No# 1 son takes the cake.Bless.And then feeds it to hid tapeworm.I have never seen anyone that thin eat so much.30 hours and he gonna be feeling no pain and back in lovin arms,I,for one, am glad.So now onto Ross who is also leaving me in 8 days.I passed comment last night that maybe after missing Me some he wouldnt be such a cunt all the time….Oh! How we laughed!.

Being that The guys are letting me back into the studio , I abused it and called The Annandale and spoke to Leif for ages.Its hard cause there is no where to go in this burg’ and if there is it involves money of which I cant do…The same old.Ross took pity on me and gave me the dregs of his last calling card.

I have this pathetic little circuit that I slide to and fro in.

1] My bedroom.
2] The studio.
3] The supermarket.
4] this net place
5] Miss Suzannes and Miss Annies.
6] The Gym
and the coffee shop.

I know,calm down…its too exciting.Not Led Zepplin is it?

I am mauldlin by birth so when am hemmed in like this its a real challange.I have never watched so much TV in my life and I am reading all my mates out of house and home.The cold makes your skin fall off too.All this mixed with the central heating is like bad mexican brown,Low rent shit…And as I am bargain basement?…moo.

I wonder if anyone really does call Gene Simmons “Dr Love?’

NYE?

Wish that I was gonna be at the Metro to see Bloodduster but as it stands I think that I will be in the studio.Cool.I am not taking the piss.as one beautiful sikfuk wrote me “You are living it and no one can take that away from you or from us.” Cheers.Ross and I are gonna hit Juliets on Friday for the last time.I have met some well cool people but I am happy to say although the boys are gonna be reconvining here in Feb I am never comming back.We worked up a stunning version of “We are the Champions” by Queen in the kitchen last nite while I decided that Fluro orange streaks in my hair was I good Idea.I jump when I see myself even more-so than usual now…anyway He sings it in 1st person and I sing it to him.

I AM THE CHAMPION!…..Ross.

You are the champion…Me.

See! It works like a treat and I think that “Sex in the city” is giving me nightmares.Somthing fucking is.It was really weird hearing what is happening in Sydney.Cant say that I miss it.I miss the sikfuks we left behind.My real family…I got the evil version of all the dirt that is not fit to print as you can imagine….Usual laments on top of it all as well.Glad that the flimsy shards of what could pass a a love life in some lost and befuddeling universe was good for somthing.Evil jokes at the expense of my bogus sexuality,thats what! Laughing like drains in retrospect.My evil friend tell me to stick to chicks….”no NO!” Replies “Ms wants to join the convent”.I am only gonna stick to my hand.There is nothing radical about being a born again virgin kids.Unless you want to picture the Virgin Mary on a half pipe.Which I do…where was I?….

Not gettin’ any thats where.Ive always been pretty crapulent at the mating game anyway.I will chalk it up…ya always pay.I miss my fucking vibrator.Small town…mumble mumble.One of the evergreen band conversations usually started by Me [ Ok, always started by me.]

“Which is better…A good shit or a fuck?”

A good shit.

Now listening to Kiss.Dropped by the tattoo shop again yesterday…I am stingin’ for it.”Detroit rock city” sigh…I can let you know in good faith that it was never gonna be “Calgary rock city”

Something like nothing that ever came before…………………………
SF4L
Michele

No stranger can get a great many notes of torture out of a human soul;

it takes one that knows it well- parent ,child,brother, sister,intimate.
-Oliver Wendell Holmes [1858]

Where there is love there is pain.
-Spanish proverb.

Fucking musicians.Not mine this time belive it or not!….I mean, This is what my dirty ass does.What kind of people do you think I am gonna meet? Fellow sonic heathens right? Sure. So if I fall for some one? Even for a second? What do think they are gonna do for a living? Play the fucking devils music.Duh.Problem being is that we are all kinda dumb when it comes to the mating game.Which is why the lord invented beating off.

Still dragging that dog -eared photo around the world.I am a useless romantic,dig?

Said foxy has got a sweet domestic set up that means that I admire from a far…Better off in my imagination I am so sure [ On a good day I am so sure…]

Just lovin Rosscos new addition to the front page.The tale will all unfold in due time……

It makes me jumpy when people are nice to me.Headshy motherfucker that I am.I wonder what they want.It is totally beyond me when a civillian wants to date me.Then it gets back to Me…..”Yeah…Shes in a band!” Ok,next time Blow all my band mates while I hold the camera if that kind of status means so much.All my fault ’cause I am “Always gonna be going……”

Makes me wanna write Bon Jovi type tunes and play 12 string guitars.Makes me wanna blow chunks is what it does.

Music saves !!!!!!! Stevie Wonder !!! Excuse me for a moment!!!!!

Ok! Fuck the Bon jovi idea! I am reborn via Motown! I just did the Soul Train dance down the middle of this all nite cess-pit.Shameless.A most wicked mix Cd from a girl who is sweet as sugar back in Sydney town…..

I had one person in my life love me for me.Long gone and too long ago.The only reason this theme keeps comming up right now is because I am bored off my tits and questioning everything.Cept’ noise,and that is so far away…..I bet it will be another 2 weeks before I am called in.By then I would have been going postal for almost 3 months.Sigh.

13 songs.All of them sweet and strange in their own way.Most of you Sikfuks are tight with a few of them.”NOLA “still makes me wanna kick in a window.Its sounding massive. I am keen for all of them to go onto the album but Ash wants to cut it to 10. I have already had to kiss a few good bye that made my heart sore.”Sand” was the one that I miss.”Fracture” is in for now.”Novena” has been kicking round since last summer and its massive.”Hitch” missed out again but you never know where shit is gonna turn up……The download trax that dont make it out this round? Think of them as a private thanx to those of you who got in there to listen and give us support.You rule.

Some fat dude with nipple rings and whip marks across his back informed delux that it is gonna be -18 on Sunday.Ross meets the strangest people in the dressing room at the gym.I dont.There was one inked girl in there a few months ago but the eye candy is pretty thin on the ground.Sub zero temps.Why Me?

My life at this point is pure country and western.Everyday rolls by like a fat drunk on welfare day and I never make the phone calls.Havnt touched base with anyone in BC.B* is not getting any calls….I dunno.I think that if someone was nice to me right now I would slip my moorings completely.

Guess that I am gettin’ my dirty rox off while I can.By the time Delux gets to Spain [“Oh god! dont leave Me here!!!”] the last thing he is gonna be into is my shite via the internet.Just when I think that I cant sink any lower the tweekers at this cafe are giving me the “You are one of us” eye when ever I stumble in here.I wonder if there is a secret hand shake? Ross had me in stiches at the Supermarket.I remember when I used to be that shameless.We had security following us around because it seems the more I fade away the more lairy he gets.I got him a donut by way of thanks.Once we had the fuzz on our tails we started dissing Calgary at top volume.The more attention he gets the easier it is for me to do my musical Robin Hood number….

Nothing much else to do ya know….Sue is trying to sell the house that we are living in at the moment and as I am never awake I tend not to find out when these estate pimps are showing people through the house.They got the fright of their life when they opened my door tonite.I sleep like I have been shot.I heard the woman gasp “Omygod!’ before they made a break for the door.Was it My lanky leg hanging out the bottom of the pile of borrowed bedding or the baseball bat?

Who can say.Fucking civillians.

Mikey is happy.That in itsself is quite interesting to see.I would be happy if I was processed 1st and was heading into the middle of a rock soaked summer.Me and Ross were talking about fandom and other such earth shattering subjects…I have spent more time with him than anyone on this run.I am never gonna hurt or rip him off.I have lost count of all the times I have been fucked over and burnt.This is the 1st time that anyone has ever messed with his inner peace and it makes my blood boil.I would do anything to take all the gross-ness away from him.

He is alot smarter tham me.He is a real player and I am not.I just go in and start swinging.My nature dear.I wanna get him a t-shirt that says “I hate Calgary” I am sure he would wear it.He is still waiting to get in and lay his parts down.The clock is ticking like crazy.Mike is out on Wednesday then Ross 6 days later.

And here I am.In shitsville .With Ash……..There is somthing in me that tells me to keep going.If I could find it I would kill it with my bare hands.I always wondered what it would be like to have this kind of time.I think if we hadnt of had to deal with so much two faced bullshit it would have been a different story.Its like going for so long,at such a high vibration that when you stop you fall apart.I guess that is what happened to me.To a degree anyway.

I did not come into this a strong as I would have liked,but I dont think that I am ever strong enough at the time.I always want more.Just like The bass gods arm ink states.I have nowhere to aim myself.I never go to the studio.I was told early in the peice not to.I have these small freezing circles that I roam.Itchy trigger finger.

There are too many empty hours for me right now.I could not see an end in sight……I want to call the album “Belltower” .Nothing that I come up with anyone likes.See my suprised face? Yeah right.

Here is the one that was worth waiting for….I give you Rossco Delux.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A] An anal glory hole.

What is your greatest fear?
A] Being caught pissing on the seat.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
A] Insul…he invented selling electricity.

Which living person do you most admire?
A] My mother.

What is your greatest extravagance?
A] my skin products…Clarins.

What do you dislike about your appearance?
A] The fact that my beard is not black.Besides that, I am perfect.

Which living person do you most despise?
A] No one.

What is your greatest regret?
A] Regrets ….Ive had a few….[ see “My way” Frank Sinatra ]

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
A] Myself.

When and where were you the happiest?
A] Now.

Which talent would you most like to have?
A] Already talented enough.

What is your current state of mind/
A] Content.

If you could change one thing about your family what would it be?
A] I would never have let my parents sell my childhood home.I long for my green carpet.

If you wre to die and come back as a person or a thing what do you think it would be?
A] Electrical impulses.

What is your most treasured possesion?
A] My foreskin.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
A] Its not my misery…the haves and the have nots……

What quality do you like the most in a man?
A] His skin.

And in a woman?
A] Her skin .

What do you most value in your friends?
A] Their skin.

Who are your favorite writers?
A] Robin Hobb, Jarrod Diamond, The Earl of Rochester.

Who are your heroes in real life?
A] My mum.

What are your favorite names?
A] Beer,Frankie and Basil.

How would you like to die?
A] Naturally.

What is your motto?
A] Live and learn [Motto from primary school.]

And there you have it.He sounds like somthing out of a Thomas Harris novel with all that “Skin….” stuff.He said that I should answer all these questions.I dont know why.Y’all know what my shit is about thus far.

Fuck it.
SF4L
Michele.

He who bears the Mark of Cain shall rule the earth.

-George Bernard Shaw.

Did I ever show you my birthmark?
-M.Madden.

He says I know you You know me one thing I can tell you is you got to be free.
-Come Together.The Beatles.Duh.

Got him! Enigma my ass! Ash rolled in tonite after I had a special reading bestowed apon me by The Bass god.I feel like a kid when he gives me his tales.Tonites fable had a woman having sex with her cat.Mikey cooking his special dinner stuff that comes outta tins and big joints.

I had to pounce.

Like a tiger motherfuckers…Like a tiger.

I give you……Ash Manning.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A] Making music.

What is your greatest fear?
A] Not making music.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
A] Mussolini.

Which living person do you most admire?
A] You. [ Meaning Me…strange days indeed….]

What is your greatest extravagance?
A] My attitude.

What do you dislike about your appearance?
A] My elfin like qualities.

Which living person do you most despise?
A] none.

What is your greatest regret?
A] No regrets.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
A] My mother.

When and where were you the happiest?
A] Been everywhere and always been happy!

At this point Ash compares himself to Prince and stumbles through the lounge where Ross is trying to sleep,leaving girl fucking friday here on the edge of …well ,of nothing really.I just thought that if he didnt come back I would just make up the rest…No wait! here he is and talking Like Michael Jackson…Interview resumes…now V.ripped and tired…gonna be good…..

Which talent would you most like to have?
A] I forfill all my talent obligations and I dont have time.

What is you current state of mind?
A] Mmmmmmmmmmm..chichichiiiiiiiiiiiiihcihcihiiiiiiiii……wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.Burrrrrrr.

If you could change one thing about your family whhat would it be?
A] I have a great family.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing what do you think it would be?
A] A good luck charm.

What is your most treasured possesion?
A] Man I dont believe in possesions and………………………big anti materialistic hippy rant………………………………………And I would be like “Hey.”

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
A] Being chained to material possesions being a 9 to 5 cog in someones….thing

What quality do you like most in a man?
A] His hairy balls.

And in a woman?
A] Not to sound generic but its the flavor of many women that make the perfect pie,ya know?

What do you most value in your friends?
A] Their sense of humor and their outlook on life.

Who are your favorite writers?
A] Huxley.

Who are your heroes in real life?
A] Koffi Annan and Bruce Springsteen.

What are your favorite names?
A] Gene Hoglan.

How would you like to die?
A] In a bizzare shower curtain accident.

What is your motto?
A] “Be still my friend.”

And that is why when it comes to drugs you should “Just say no.” Peh. Right,that would be it…..I gotta stop reading all this old stuff from Rolling Stone back in the day.I want to head for 1972 and hang with Raoul/ Hunter in Vegas.

Ash is up to song 8 of 13. He looks really wasted but happy. I thought that I had beaten my corpse clock ….no joy.I slept right round the clock again.Ross was kinda nice to me.He rolled his eyes behind my back for a change.Its the little things you know? Miss Suzanne and her flame locked love Garry took me to the 1950’s diner for dinner tonite.I fell in love with their waiter who is a poet.No shit,if you asked him he would say “Yeah,I am a poet”. A gutsy move in my books which is deserving of a crush.The only other person that I can think of that would say that is Rik from the “Young ones” who Ross is acting like when we are alone.Which, in my current state makes me Neil.

See,Everything comes back to Ross.Amen.

Happy Birthday Big Mike V.Another year of Rock and Roll to you friend.To any new readers Mike runs the chatroom for this band and does a great job of it.Go check it out.

Blackie and I once wanted to start a [another!] side project. He wanted to call it “Bleeding from the ass”.Just so he could get on stage and say “GOOD EVENING! WE ARE BLEEDING FROM THE ASS!!!” We never got any further than that without creasing up completely.Just thought I would share.

If I was ever awake at the right time I would go and get inked. Moo. Looks like I am gonna be stuck here for a fair while longer.I mooch around with my lent guitar alot.My voice is doin’ pretty good.Singing Kate Bush one day and Pantera the next.One thing that I Cant complain I guess. Miss the Brittstar.Get to the gym as much as I am able.Shame its not 24 hours…Hoooo…..

Stay cool.
SF4L
Michele.

Where people drink,they spill.

-Andrey Voznesensky, 1966.

-When are you gonna come down,when are you going to land?
Elton John.

-And then I will Know how perfect feels.
“Gear” New album

I figure that VH1 specials are a tool of the devil [Hey daddy!] to keep me chained to the TV and slothed down onto the recliner sweet and low.No shit.I am so fucking baked by exhaustion right now.Ross set my jewish born/catholic raised guilt a-flame in regards to my suck ass life style right now.Ie:Sleep all day and mooch around in some kind of blind panic all night.Booya sucks right?….So now I hit the gym at 6 in the morning and train till 9.Then home to bed.

Let us spend a moment with that last line shall we while Jessica Simpson [“Doh”] over emotes in the back ground on a charming little show on which I hope never to be featured called “One hit wonders”…Back to that last line.

“And then home to bed”

Pigshit.I am still fucking awake.Ross got me to go walkabout till I was stumbling.Went to the coolest junkie enclave cafe down on 7th street.This place was uber wrong.I relaxed natch,filth calls its own dontcha know? Any-hooooo.Ross had been there on one of his lost weekends so he knew the deal.Have you ever noticed how all junkies look slightly sooty?And they all walk with that off kilter pimp roll? I have got junkie theorys up the yang tonight….To whit shall we?

I have this junkie theory that they still dress in the year that they started using.That is where life stopped and the gear took over.That is why you see all those sketchy dudes in those elastic waisted leather jackets from 85’round the Hungry Jacks in Melbourne who ask if ‘You chasin’?…Now Me,being somewhat hard of hearing after a millon years of rock and roll made a tool of myself [yet again…]when I was living in Smackcentral.I got tired of these fuckers and yelled at the top of my voice “MY NAME IS NOT FUCKIN’JASON!!!FUCK OFF!!!!”Paul Hague then proceded to set me straight on that one laughing his ass off while I waited for the footpath to open up and swallow me.

You could smoke in this cafe.swoon!I think my writing got worse [not that it had all that far to go] when they banned smoking in Sydney cafes….Grrrr….

Just had a happy thought.If Papa roach got a recond deal anything is possible and I should chill out.

Awake ….its about 10 I think.Miss Suzanne came round to tell me that she is taking me out to the cool fifties diner down the street tommrow nite.And that I can do my laundry at her place.
“Done it” I crowed.
Yes! I braved the laundrymat.This ugly old woman wouldnt stop staring at me so I started barking at her.Joke em if they cant take a fuck right?? Or somthing like that.

Reading a stolen copy of Vanity fair the other nite I came across a wicked Questionnaire.So I stole it and annoyed my band with them.I dunno if this is legal but like I could give a flying fuck right? Ash ran away but I will get to him.He told me to tell y’all that he is an ‘Enigma’ the big tool.Honestly.He’s just stoned if you must know the truth.

Here ya go.A snap shot of a band on the edge or the verge depending on who you ask and how fucked up they are at the time.Enjoy.

Mikey…..

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A] Being able to trade in what you love the most.

What is your greatest fear?
A] Stupidity.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
A] The little drummer boy.

Which living person do you most admire?
A] Dave Grohl

What is your greatest extravagance?
A] Idol Thought.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
A] My chest.

Which living person do you most despise?
A] george w Bush.

What is your greatest regret?
A] Cutting corners.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
A] Playing live.

When and where were you the happiest?
A] On stage at the BDO summer 04′

Which talent would you most like to have?
A] I dont want more talent,I want more skill!

What is your current state of mind?
A] Transit.

If you could change one thing about your family,what would it be?
A] I would clear my mothers mind.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing,what do you think it would be?
A] You have to be a better human than me to move onto somthing else.

What is your most treasured possession?
A] My plane ticket away from here.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
A] A mix of physical agony and shame.

What quality do you like most in a man?
A] respectful inqusitiveness.

In a woman?
A] Self assured humility.

What do you value the most in your friends?
A] Acceptance.

Who are your favorite writers?
A] On this trip? Raymond.E.Fiest,Mk Wren, George alex Effinger.

Who are your heros in real life?
A] Michele,Ross and Ash.

What are your favorite names?
A] Alexa.

How would you like to die?
A] Peacefully,Very old and on VERY good drugs.

What is your Motto?
A] Honesty is the best policy.

Ross needs his computer and I found myself chatting to a giant rabbit in the bathroom so I am gonna go fall down the stairs.
Night.
SF4L.
Michele

Dec 1st?….Bah-fuckin’-humbug.

If I were you?
I’d leave myself alone.
If I were you?
I’d stay at home.
Keep out of trouble see,but what do I know?
I am only Me……
-“Novena”….Song on new album.

May you live in interesting times.
-Ancient Chinese curse.

I am writing lists again.Walk past a window at 3 in the morning and I dont look like anyone I know.My book is like a open wound, an open letter begging for a scrap.Whadda you do if you cant work out if your bone fuckin lazy or depressed? I dream of inpractical shoes and snake arms to hold me.Why am I awake and writing? I guess because I cant be fucked falling up the street to go home.

The sun making its way through the striped fabric that the last loser who lived in my room put up for blinds,I shoulda left well enough alone but that has never been one of my strong points.I dug under the empty tuna tins and candy wrappers till I found my day book.And I counted.

35 fuckin days left in ’04.

And Here I sit ,like school in summer….no class.

These things are important.To Me at some stupid fucking hour for equally as stupid reasons…enjoy.

Gibson Guitars
Songs that employ the use of Cowbells
Thigh high boots
Dinner at the Rainbow
Fart jokes
Black Sabbath
Scars
Tattoos
Elvis
Having Muses
Sharp things
Salt drying on your skin
Liberty
Making up big words that sound real when fighting
Shoplifting
Charity [See above]

My social circle envolves Big Ed who is missing teeth and is also on the wagon.He works at the gas station that I wander by on my night roaming missions.Also the 2 sweet chicks who man the slurpee machine at the 7-11.One works 2 jobs to pay off a whopping credit card debit ,the other is engaged to a dude who she met by the hot dog machine a scant 6 months ago.”Knew he was the one from the get go” she tells Me.”Oh Brother” I think.

Its so early its late.Or the other way around.

If I had a dog Id kick it.Its -12 and my teeth ache its that cold.Here that its gonna be 40 somthing in Sydney.Shut up I hate you.There is no God.I am missing….ahem……Nunchuckka Superfly-Pod People.

Moo.

There is talk that I may get to sing this week.I am listing that with the evergreen ‘Checks in the mail” and the timeless classic “I wont come in your mouth.”

If I were anymore bitter and twisted tonite you could use me as a garnish in a nice dry martini

Ciao
SF4L
Michele.

Blame Canada….

-Southpark.

The job of the artist is to deepen the mystery.
-Francis Bacon.

Men Live by forgetting-Women live on memories.
-T.S Elliot.

Vanity.
-One of the 7 deadly sins.

I tell myself to cut the cord.Not to talk.I’ll tell ya,that fucker in the Manic Street Preachers had the right idea.Just get gone.I daydream about THAT more than I should, get in car and drive untill no one knows your name.Untill you forget your name.

Tourettes spreads the love.You gotta love this one.One of Ashleys ex’es and one of mine are now dating.Sweet as shit except for the fact that they are too busy fucking to write an old mate anymore.Slack arsed fucks…….

-Did you hear me knocking?

I smile as I come through the back door,the cold falling away as I dump my bag and move deeper into the house.

-Yes.And we left you there.

Ugly like a fairytale troll,cruel and pointed,rolling stingy joints as thin and pale as himself.Ladies and gentlemen ,The guitar Golum of 13th street.

Some band person was dropping dope off for the members of this esteemed musical group who indulge.Ho-hum.Everyone drinking like fish.A quater ounce and a sixer of Lucky are about the only interesting things here.

Its Dire.It really is.I am suspended in a web of surburbian semi-intrigue and shite.Where is the fuckin hidden camera? This is not funny any more.Rock and roll Big Brother and I better win Me an amazing album here….I am wondering why I took time out of my Oh so lacklustre roster of sweet fuck all to dip into the population.He said, she said, Mexican standoff “Why didnt you call?” bullshit.I didnt call cause I dont know what I really give a shit about right now.That good enough for ya? Oh look! not lying! You are not really equiped to deal with zero bullshit are ya kid? Whatever.I may not be doin a hell of alot but I sure as shit know what I dont want or need to be filling my 24 hour allotments with.I never leave my room.I sleep as much as I can because at least in my dreams its not snowing.

The sick thing is that it didnt even feel like a good idea at the time.I dont have to berate myself with any of that “What was I thinking ?” Shit cause I wasnt.Thinking that is.

I am to relationships what Bush is to Pro-choice.

Get the coat hanger.

One million people in this burb.I musta done somthing rotten in my last life.Ten past two in the morning and all I can taste is bile from hurling behind the bike shop on the way here.Right up the widow which was strangely satisfying.Looks like a Pro Hart super-inposed over 1200 dollar mountain bikes.The Spew bandit.I stole some mints from the bar a couple of nights ago and I am digging round in my backpack while typing with one bitten didget.I ran out of finger nails about 3 weeks ago.I peal the skin now untill my nailbeds bleed.

[ ‘Look for happiness inside yourself” he sighed not really caring.She turned blind with greif and screamed as he pushed her,yawning like a cat, back into her abyss.]

Back to cranking in the shower for Me.

I mean, you gotta work out what is worth what right?.My hand never pisses and moans at me or asks why I didnt call…….

I tend to turn all my past follies into romatic tales but not this one.No fucking way.Mikey said somthing to me tonite about it being some bullshit ammout of time untill we play again and I headbutted the kitchen shelf ,my head bouncing back.Clear blue recoil.Hes pretty unshakeable.I dont belive in much tonite.I am sick of hanging out in bars and talking the same garbage over and over.

I am trying to remember where it ever got Me before.Never felt as alone or empty as after a fuck anyway.First words that flood into my mouth like rotten wine “I gotta go….” trying to find my clothes in the dark.

No roaches here.Too cold.Bonus.Seeing that my floor looks like a junkie squat.The tins are starting to get interesting so in the name of science and total boredom I will keep em growing.[ “Is that blood on the sheets?” he blanched “Yeah….” she sighed “Yeah,it is”.]Every couple of days I think that I should get my shit together but there is no point.I dont have to see anyone or do anything.All my clothes are doom rags of filth.I smell ripe and have not taken my dreads down in,Dunno? 2 weeks?3?…Give a shit?.No.Where is bottom? How low can you go indeed.

Shouldnt be listening to QOTSA.Makes me miss My Brother and Monkey.Makes me think of the endless summer that I am successfully missing.[ “I saw you at the show but as I was destroyed on drugs I didnt say hey….You looked happy….”]

A drunk asked me if being in a band “Was Fun?” last night at the bar.”No” I deadpanned and stared at the floor untill he was so uncomfortable he left.His Shy friend,who endeared himself to me by standing up everytime I left the table, wrote out everything told him in Russian so that I can get it tattooed onto my corpse.”Why would you want somthing that is saying so ugly?” he questioned me, kind eyes ,in broken english twisting hands dark with moter innards,oily engine blood….”You got your truth and I got Mine” I answered.

She has given up smoking after 40 years.”You are my patch babe!” She tells me sounding kinda edgy a week in ,cold turkey.I watch the lights change at the intersection and wonder why she thinks that there is anything good in Me at all.I would be back on a pack a day if I had the money.She send me Valieran to make me sleep that doesnt and never will work on Me.. c/o the studio in which I have no place.I smile and feel pained at the sight of her hand writing picking out the letters of my name on the customs form a world away.

I feel like I have got a dust storm kicking its Tony Lama heels up in my gut.I survive on lurid candy,borrowed books and charity.The diet of Kings baby.Listening to Rose tattoo sucker punched by memories,wondering if you read this,if you still care while the speed addled junkie in the booth next to me plays weekend warrior and blows away the bad guys for Two dollars an hour…’Its the life that I need” moans Angry into my rotten ears.

If you only get one shot you were mine.Midnight adventures by candlelight.Shit,shit,shit.

I got over myself enough to remember some of the good shit that I left in my choppy wake.I had my photos hidden like a stash for a while there.Now they are back up on the wall.Till they are not I guess…..Some days they are easier to look at than others.

Wonder where Ash and Delux ended up.The mind boggles.I spent the nite curled up on the recliner in the same clothes that Ive been wearing since fuck knows when really….I am gonna boil em up for stock.”Je Rockpig Soup”…Jeanne said to me “You dont believe in “Stuff” do you?” while she fed me the other night. “Well I guess I dont” I drawled wondering if I was lying or not,buying time.”I guess that I dont” I repeated smiling after a beat or two.The realization making me happier than I have been in a while..

Freezing in a phone box with no door at 5 in the morning.I want a ciggerette and a bottle of jack and a hunting rifle.I hate my humanity.Its going off ,it has passed its used by date.I want lower and meaner.I want to see what it will take to really mess up my fucking atoms.Still 15.Walking through the halls of a Calgary high school with Annie.How did I get here.The painful shy sexy sweat hanging in the stale air .A lust laden teenaged mist.Over emoting drama students brittle and loud making me blanch in the face of their enthuisam.I am trying to fade into the brickwork.I roam the halls with my 16 year old friend,her small hand in mine,at the plays half time, feeling like the black hat wearer in a million westerns.Its the same.All over the world.There is one of me,one of you in every town.Nothing really new out there.

Did I mention that everything from the 18th of September onwards for me is a write off? .December can drop to its scabby Capricorn knees and blow me.I lay on my foam slab [very zen] from about 3 this afternoon just kidding myself really.I feel like one of those drones who loose their jobs and keep going through the motions.Get up, scream at the kids, kiss wife ,get in car….go to strip club,weep into a dry martini and tell all your woes to a 36DD stripper called Candy [“Im putting myself through Law School!”] who yawns when you sigh and look down, wondering where it all went so wrong,which is often.

There is nothing that I can do that is gonna be big enough right now.Mike is out in 12 days and I hate him for it tonite.Ross in a kilt frightening all and sundry at Heathrow,off to loving arms in Spain.And me hanging on a rope of ice in a town that grace forgot.Its a test right? I should be looking for clues…taking notes.Lemme guess? This will go down on my permanent record.How do I tell the well meaning people who brush past the yellow tape that I liberated from the caution horses on center street not to bother?.Not to try.Not to do anything.Their kindness makes me feel smaller.Makes me feel dusty in a cruel place.

[“It was a test,I wanted to see if you would call” He blustered at her while she watched the second hand make its way around the clock face in the studio.”Well” she exhaled “Guess that I failed”. Cue wind leaving all sails now.]

This place is poison to Me.Who am I kidding? Most places are.As long as I am there its Chenoybol.My fallout dances to The Ramones in front of its bedroom mirror.My fallout hangs out by the phone for the call that never comes……Sure, I have met some cool people and I keep telling myself that I am here for sound.That this album is all and everything.Mexico is a million light years away.Hollywood in 60 somthing days away, if I am lucky. [“My sister is in a band” She smiled at Lemmy as they lent on the bar.] No one knows how long anything is gonna take and me the doormat to the greater good is stuck here until then.If I am still here on NYE I am gonna fuck up as many people as I can get my hands on.Motherfuckers will be going down faster than catholic school girls…

I am so far from anything that could do me any good.I wavered on the liquid edge of a dream in which I was peeling myself like a flesh onion beating my way back to clean.Back to right.I dont even know what that is.Cant come back baby.This dosnt fit but flying over that bridge without a valid reason would kill me.

[“I dont understand what is so wrong with home dear? Why are you so angry?”]

I am toxic.Not explaining myself.Social interaction that gives Me two left feet.I dont know that dance.I lie there thinking of all the punches the I did not throw.One for you two for me.I get more ’cause I am a glutton and I can take it.Did you know that I have attended your funeral round about a million times now you rat bastard motherfucker?I can see the brass deatils on the casket.Smell the sick unchanged green water in the vases flanking the child molesting preacher who is telling the pack of trash who turned up for the free food at the wake, how to miss you.

Lies.

I was raised in the house of usher.Like carrion they would fall on your shadow the second that you left the room.I spent a decade picking tiny knives out of my back signed sealed and deliverd by my own kin.You would be able to pick them.The family with a yellow streak a mile wide.Oh! But they were SUCH big men With the guns,and the cars and the millitary action.Cheating on their wives.Ignoring their offspring…..blood calls.I had one friend in the convoluted gene pool that I belly flopped into.A cousin,he returned to what he knew.

Like I didnt think that it would happen.I dont think that I wore them out.I was the rank outsider from the get go.I will get around to all of them.I will tell them to their faces.Untill then I will walk the earth, a living revenge.

I think that there should be a trade in.I should be able to trade all the people that I hate for all the people that I have lost.[“Ok, heres My ex and my father and a couple of old Ranch hands…Gimme Eamon,Ash C and Rach? Awww! C’mon! Ok!…..Heres the fucker who did me over when I was a kid!…Damn! you are tough but fair! Good doing buisness with ya buddy.”]

Fair.

I wanna come and lie down next to your grave.Been too long but I remember where they planted you.Can I camp out?Set up a tee-ee over your tombstone?.That would be sweet.Camping in a boneyard.I wonder if anyone else does,remember that is….I know that you are not there.You were hardly here even when you were.Its all to stroke my hatred.I want to see you again for reasons that would make you curl your nose in discust I guess.Using you to fan my overburdened sence of injustice.Using you as a pawn .Thats what they used you for when you were to young to know.I dont lie to you.They killed you.The room spun for days.I sweated booze and morphine.

Left behind.

Its all about going really.You have never seen anyone look as hot as me as I walk away.I have got that down to an art,I file it with my other party tricks,Like tying a knot in a cherry stem with my tounge.Sure,I’ll show ya sometime….

I think that if I ever get rich I am only ever gonna fuck hookers.You dont pay for the sex you pay for them to leave..Shit man! If someone,anyone would pay me to LEAVE for any fucking reason at all? Baby! I would never stop fuckin goin!

When I get some mad cash I am also gonna wrap myself in bubble wrap and throw myself down a flight of stairs.And find the dude who got Johnny Cash’s guitar,pay him double and give it to one of the long running objects of my missguided affections cause I am cool like that…….

A slight asian boy just roller bladed past me.I am the only female that I ever seem to see in here.I have gotta cure myself from looking at what other people are up too.Its like being Bluebeards wife only to be faced with porn rather than the heads of fomer wives inpaled on stakes.He was ratty in a Mr Pink kind of way but not as endearing “What the fuck is he wanting with a full faced leather catwoman mask” I thought as I stumbled with a dead leg to the evil fluro lit shitter.He must of read my mind cause he turned and offered me an oily wink that was in slow motion.I reeled as I shut the door.No wonder I keep puking all the time…..

Enough for now I think.
SF4L
Michele

PS.
Miss Karen? If you have made it this far can you please write me on my private address as my other account is packing up left right and center.