The words she knows, the tune she hums……..

Elton John.

I am never gonna get it all worked out and I know this to be true, for in the eye of every shitstorm there is one of you SF’s that manages and fucked if I know how, to renew somthing in Me.

You with you “Hey,I am no one but I saw you play….”

E-mails. Man! I send those fucking emails too. And none of you are no-one to Me. Shit! Most of my life I have been no one to fucking anyone and here you all come.

Singing my songs back at me. Writing me telling me the shit that you cant tell anyone. I am Honoured. Did you know that? You honour me with the way that you hear Me and see some of the same and see through some of the same shit as me….

I dont know if you save me. I dont think that anyone can save anyone to tell the truth but I do know that ya’ll have patched Me up quite a few times.

For this I thank you.

I had one hell of a day yesterday. That bassgod of mine turned another year hotter and wiser.One day? One day Delux I am gonna throw you another party and this time you get to keep your clothes on at midnight OK? I could never imagine looking to my left and not seeing you there, however blurry.Happy Birthday.

One of the most important Men in My life got married yesterday. Not only that, but to one of the only women that I know and I also adore. I wore a suit and signed on the dotted line for them both. It was one of the biggest moments of my life.

Tell ya…it was hard not to cry…..

Blackie and Nanda? I wish you both nothing but the best and sorry about my crap speech on the boat. You both rock my world and now you can get down and keep on rocking each others. You are both fucking beautiful and mean more to me that I will…
a] Ever let on.
or
b] Can put into words.

And now here I am Rocking out to The Who [ “Tommy” for all that need facts!] at 4 somthing in the morning and as A Stephen King Character once said…”Thinkin’ my thinks…..” The ever beautiful B* is upstairs reading in the pigsty we call our room after a nite of glutting on Rock movies. Mike and Lex are passed out and a band meeting on Sunday……get me outta here!!!. I want to be out there with ya’ll doin’ it every night. I am talking about rockin out here! We have gotta be all grown up and sort shit out for our world domination. For about and hour tops and then I will sink back into my usual moronic state of grace. Got the house to myself tommrow night! Coool.Pop Quiz on the White Trash cowgirl here…Lets see how you do……

Q] Tommrow nite I am gonna ……

a] Stay in bed reading and writing filthy lyrics about one certain foot soilder of the flannel clad rock army that will NEVER make the 3rd slab?
b] Drum along to all of ‘Raw power’ by candlelight, wearing hot pants and The Stooges tee shirt that I stole in Melbourne ?
c] Call everyone that I miss in the states and get all the dirt?or
d] Clean the house?

If you answered
a] Well,yeah…erm….lets move onto “B” shall we?
b] A dead cert for a sat nite alone.
c] Costs tooooo much. [ e-mail me G-monster! Todski NYC !]
or
d] How long have you been smoking crack? Rehab is a valid option……
,p>Fuck this! I am going to bed!
SF4L
Michele.

16/03/04

-Run your mouth when Im not around ,Its easy to achive
Phil Anselmo “Walk.”

-Gimme Danger
Iggy Pop.

Throw it.
Sling it.
Do what you gotta do to validate yourself in the parking lot of life that you so badly want a spot in….Do what you gotta do cause when the dust clears….

I cant seem to fully articulate the seething shitstorm that is brewing in me tonite. How the small shit falls away. The crap that you have to climb over…..

The ones that haunt you are the ones that fuck you over without looking you in the eye.

No code.Outlaw.

Fuck this. I had it all worked out but now…?…. I am gonna prowl round like a rabid dog all morning. The best that I can hope for is that I exaust myself before I do myself any damage. I was in a taxi tonite.With someone that I belive to be the last man standing in my life so to speak. A final friend. Lucky……….

I am french kissing this pain. I am planing on getting into its godamn pants by the end of this. Do you ever want to stand up in the middle of your chosen battle field and scream
“Is that THE BEST YOU GOT???#@!#@!#@!#”…You ever felt that way?

I am talking through my ass here….So I will give you someone elses words cause mine all seem to be broken.

I am writing this from lost memory so if I fuck it up….sorry to the ghost of W.E.Henley.

Out of the night that covers Me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
for My unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
looms but the horror of the shade
and yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate
how charged with punishment the scroll
I Am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul.

SF4L
Michele.

The lonesome gifts that fate and nature lend us,

Most often are the very ones that end us.
-Chaucer.

Oh My God! I think I am gonna shit myself.
-Delux at The Annandale on Saturday night.

You are all perfect.
I am metal and dirty…..
-Me to ya’ll right now.

So…Did ya’ll tell ya parole officers where you were at on Saturday night?You Motherfuckers are AMAZING!!!!
Great pit,Great time and Delux managed to get through the show with out crapping himself on stage.[ I was a bit disapointed there but all in all….] Sorry for breaking the mike stand [Again] I have been too into this whole destructo thing…Dont fear….I broke myself as well…Anthony pulling down the mad sound, B* looking illeagally hot and being the merch queen, Dan pulling my fat barefoot ass up on the bar, Gotta love the Annandale man, its the fuckin’ CBGBS of Sydney. [ Dan you are the man, Thanx Brent ] Fingers x’ed for that Easter show….with a line up like that Jesus would be rolling his own rock out of the way…..

So to all the great staff and the three great bands that we got to rock with?….Well alright!

You sikfuks make it sooooo good. I feel like some of you guys have been to as many of our gigs as I fucking have and I love it.

Miss Nick from the trailerpark? So glad that ya got to see what became of me….

Think I could play forever when I get up there. You have no idea how bad I needed that show. Enough with the comments about the new hair already! Cept’ the sikfuk That said that it made me look like the monster out of “The Preditor”.I dont mind that a bit!. I heard after the fact that One of you SF’s got nailed pretty hard in the pit…I dont know who it was…but if you are reading this I hope that you are alright. Take care of each other down there. Shit can get weird when its all going off but if you see some one go down go after them. You may be the one who is down one day…

Nice one Beau…And tell The Glamours to kiss my ass for not comming down to the show.

The B* Is watching “Heathers” and catching up on the soccer scores.

Gold star if you can tell me who and where the term “Mosh” was coined by and what it stands for.

[ I keep all the letters that I never send you and I hate myself for every word that I let escape Me. If I had the energy, If I had it in me at all, I would sit filthy in the middle of a room someplace that has no name, more often than not internal,And I would make mush-note-confettii for the cherubs with their perfect curls to rain down on us as we kill each other blind fucking in my big ugly imagination…..]

Digress Much do we Madden?!!??

Sooo… With Ross back it looks like we are gonna leave ya’ll with another ep before we fuck off midyear. I dont know WHAT you guys are gonna make of this shit.

So! The irony factor of the picture in Rolling Stone Huh? The one non drinker there!!! I hadta do it! Funny as all shit! Me looking tanked in a bar…belive me! I was having flashbacks!!!Look…the whole “Straight edge” thing shits me to tears to tell you the truth and the reason that I dont attatch myself to it is for all the same reasons that I tend not to attatch myself to fucking anything. Just another excuse/religion/lable…. You do what you do untill it gets done. I have said it before. I dont care what you do just dont get in my way and all is well. I am not some kind of abstinence poster child. I just have to much to do to be ruled by social interaction dick shaking chemical hooha……

I just watch everyone else do it instead. At the Townie…usually with ‘Duster…..

And write it down.
And turn it into songs……..

I will tell you the whole fable one day….maybe.

Three things that I am sure of this crapola morning.
I need more ink.
A new knife
And that you can never go back.

Now on a major Hendrix bender. Always had a real thing about him. He brought the farm on my birthday many moons before I made it here so that could be it…. Anyway, His shit is giving me a real girl boner at the moment.You know that line in “Red House” ? When he is lamenting about his “….woman over yonder in said red blah blah…” and just before He kicks into the solo he mutters “Dont matter I still got my Guitar….”?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….. ..
Perfect.

I am so impressed with all the profiles and art work that is going up on the SF site. Miss S is the tech-goddess behind it all and for that I say thank you. Inlist as may people as you can cause come July we are going into battle.Keep it comming…..

Oh yeah! How fucking cool! Play a great gig and then come home and veg out to Guns and Roses all nite on rage!!!!!. Am proud to say that the B* and Myself [ Much to Mikes smirking amusement ] lustlily bellowed along with ever golden moment.Natch.

I am totally tapped out so by your leave.
SF4L.
Michele.

Sat March 6th 04′-Nothing interesting ever happens to me….
John Paul Jones at the height of Led Zepplins total world domination.-Love you so much it makes me sick……..
Kurt Cobain.

I see you when I shut down. When I go inside the carnage that I carry round ,The autopsy that is still moving, that answers to my name. You are the only clean thing I know.You make me wanna say a lust filled novena for 9 fuckin’ days and light candles to your graven image. I have got nothing to give you and even if I did it would be nothing that someone good like you would want. I wish that I could stop thinking about you cause it is not doing me any favours. The more I think of you the more I realise how broken I really am and some days I just dont need it. If you said my name I would turn to dust.

I could never do me to you. It just wouldnt be polite. I was raised better than that.

Rain,
I dont do laundry for fucking months see, All part of my domestic retardation. Cardonal rule. If you cant see it and you can live with the smell, it does not exist. This is how I end up sleeping on a mattress precariously balanced on a festering Everest of shit that I have not washed since the last tour. Then, for no fucking reason that I can lay a didget on, I get all sanctimonious at 6 am after watching “Waynes World” again and decide to do the whole lot. Poilsh MY fucking halo.

Well I am gonna be running round in my bathrobe for the next few days and I am sure that it will look most fetching while I build my ark. Fucking Rain. I am in a genitically desiginated bad mood as it and then this weather. Rain makes my scars itch. Rain is not good for shit unless you have someone to fuck and heaps of drugs and rich parents to turn a blind eye and pay for the lot. As it stands I have less money than that dude who talks to the bus stop on George street [ “Dad! I told you to go home!!!”] and dont do drugs anymore…I am not gonna go to far into the sex thing as I am the only member of my band who gets none.

My imagination could get me arrested in at least 43 states though.

This is gonna be one rant that I go back to all nite. My sister is out of town and I have the house to myself.Always nice though when you dont hafta bother with pants and volume control on the stereo… so you guys hafta suffer through my musings. Blackie was round last nite and he told me that he had just finished the last song on the new Nunchuckka Superfly album.” It goes for 20 minutes!” he beamed at me. See what too many YES albums can do to a man?. My Brother the prog head…I cant wait to hear it. If you missed The Hard Ons at the Excelisor…oh man…What they did to “Suck and swallow”! fuck! Now That was a 20 min sonic cluster fuck.Fuckin’ trippin’!!!! It was like Woodstock with out the brown acid and mud……

I am so skint that I did not make it to Mortal Sin last nite and have been rank about it ever since. Manning was supossed to get these flyers see…. oh Man! Why me ??? Why could I have not been a dumb fuck civilian with a morgage and a penchant for Celine Dion…NOT! I am a pirate girl me! Pass me that parrot and get out the fucking way!

He called before and it looks like some courrier in the Surry hills area is gonna get 7 shades of shit kicked out of him by one very irate guitar player. I knew he would come to the dark side sooner or later…..

Tell ya what hurts but… culling my book collection. I got some dried up old dude comming over to tell me what it is all worth and I am at the point that as long as it gets me the hell out of here its all worth it. Know anyone who wants to buy a 7 and a half foot hand carved leather sofa? You can always buy stuff but ya cant buy time and that is the enemy… well at least one of them. My “Hell are YOU gonna pay!” list is a bit too detailed to put up here.

Funny shit. A whole mess of try hards from the Ranch days are getting their just desserts and I didnt even have to crack a skull or a sweat. Knew that Elvis was up there watcing over my rotten- to- the- core self.

B* said in conversation the other day ,I cant remember what the hell we were on about….” I would not wish that on anyone!” said the B*.”No shit?” said me ” I wish the black Plauge on people! Dosnt everyone?””Nope….” she said exhaling Lucky strike particles towards the living room cealing….I think that is a crock. ! I just think that I am a rare creature being that I admit such things.No scratch that…That I say it out loud…erm…That I write Entire albums about it?.

Hehehheh……..

Good weather to run in. I have been hauling my fat ass around more than ever. Not as much as I should. B* is always on “My Space” hooking us up left right and center and I press weights watching Pantera home videos…yawn…right?. Got word from Miss Sophia Cherry pie in NZ who has broken my balls with the News that she and the ever Talented Mr Craft are staying put…gutted, me. I was counting sleeps to my back peice! What the fuck am I ment to do now? Carve a fucking canoe??? To all out in the land of the long white [ dope ] cloud keep an eye on K road in Auckland. The Illicit crew are about to fuck shit up. I wish ya’ll nothing but luck….. Miss S? Tell Martin to make me into a cartoon and I will not be as miffed..OK?.Cheers.

It is a weird thing that I need not explain to the inked sikfuks out there but once you let some one carve up your dermis you really dont want to let anyone else to do it. Ya feel like ya gotta stay faithful.

Just outta left field…. If you can prove that some one was totally asking for it, just to change the tone for a moment, How long to you get for justifiable manslaughter?.Would ya’ll miss me? Whatever….

I am ugly inside and out. I should never pick up the phone. Miss Karen just got a saturday nite dose of Michele on the TKO rant. I am the asshole paying rent on Soundgarden’s “Rusty cage”…I am also listening to The Stooges which means that I am gonna end up doing myself some damage tonite.That or I will burn out and end up semi catatonic with my hunting knife crouched by the stairs in the dark waiting….

Never forget kids…no-one cares. It is a rare and beautiful creature who will take your call at 3am and mean it. I used to. I used to do it all the goddamn time. That was when I was a sucker. Got burned. Got Used. Got pretty fucking smart..

Cunning is beauty. You can take your air brushed pussy,87 grand cars…Oh man! Fuck all that.I want animal grace. I want truth . I wanna go blind on it. I want to burn out like a self emoliating monk. Pass me that match…. I want some dumb shit to be scraping my ugly assed insides off the walls. I am Broken arrow. I am the airstrike. See Me? I am the end of the line. I am the last resort. I am Cancer.I am the death of a child. I am The fucking car crash. You know that you are gonna look cause you just cant help yourself….

And I dont fucking care.

Know what I like about you sikfuks? You know shit. You get hung for it and you keep going. You dont speak unless you got somthing to say. Me? For real? most of the time I wouldnt say shit if I had a mouthful. Why the hell would I? I can sit here and write my life away. I like your style.

I dig ya fuckin taste in music too…….

Burns the hell out of me ….I gotta sell my CD collection as well. The guys down at Revolution at Newtown are gonna look at me like the drop out that I am….It is a good burn though… cause from here on in, as always, no cunt can take the credit for Me. For the havoc that I am gonna rain down ….I will get over the loss, I always do and the lighter you are? The less you have? Well. The faster you move.

I am almost there….
Nothing left to lose…
Oh man…bring it on.

SF4L
Michele.

Why do I have to get locked up for protecting your freedom?

-Larry Flynt 1976

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that today has been utter shit. To put it even better? A total cunt. Only not as useful.

When you are small you parents look you in the the eye and tell you that one of the worst things you can do [ outside of setting fire to a family pet and I am not in the mood to get into that right now…] is to lie, always tell the truth they say……

Thing is that no one ever wants to hear it…..

When are you ment to stop?
Is it only when your are answering to them…..
I am good and goddamed if I know anymore but this is a lonesome rope to be swinging from.

I got a crick in my neck from trying to get all these fucking knives out of my back.
I will say it to your face . If you dont want to know? Dont ask me…deal? Cool……

I am in one hell of a rut. I feel like I keep writing the same song. I wont let it go. Other people will tell you that they forgive, that they have forgotten all about it.What the fuck ever.. They lie like dogs. They are the ones with the half moons etched into their palms from clenching their fists to break point while gritting their teeth at the roaches who rule them. Smile pretty for the big boss man now…. maybe I am ment to sing this song forever? I will mix it up with some ELO covers or somthing. It is not such a bad song you know,not really.

She tells Me all she hears is hate
When we speak
So I tell her not to call
and the wound still weeping
[“You hear that? ” I think…]
Dont leave Me…She says.
I wont take you…I telll her.
I wish that you would forget Me…I say
She wont
I cant.
Do this anymore….so I stop.

Lions and tigers and bears oh my!In-fucking-deed.

I am black and white. I leap before I look and I do and have done myself more damage than anyone else will ever manage.

Boo-ya sucks to me huh?

I was recording today again with Ash and I am so pissed at myself. I get some good shit but there is this this hatred inside me that burns so fucking hard, cant put it out.I close my eyes and think of, see their faces, all the assholes that I trusted and loved and I just spew this utter lyrical bile…. I told one of the only people in my life that I did not trust them today. I told them because they asked me.I did not lie. All my trust?…the job lot that you are granted at birth? Well, it has been used up. I have done some pretty stupid shit in my life,granted. But I am not an idiot. No wonder I am sitting down here burning away while the rest of the house sleeps.

The $3:95 all- you- can- eat spit roast of hate…..

Got word from My friend Larry that he is heading down this way again…my how 2 years have flown. He is the guitar tech Per-excellence for Incubus among other great bands so if you ever hear an AC/DC riff before a show and think “Wha’ the fuck???” Chances are it is Larry. So that will be a good weekend for old grumble bum here. Looking foward to catching up again.

Cant tell ya’ll how much your support and mail means to me. I have got files of all that you send Me… The sikfuk site is looking amazing.

I got told today that people change. I said that I dont have to take them with me out of some kind of service to a shared past if our idioligies part ways.Funny watching people resent you for not giving up on yourself….I dont pick up the phone anymore.

the mesesnger always gets shot.

Delux is gonna be jetlagged and rockin’. We start jamming the day after he gets back. If I dont do this I am gonna be carving x’s in bullet tips..I shit you not..I feel like I am going crazy here.

Gonna go upstairs and watch the sun rise.I would slit a beggers neck for a Marlboro……

If they are not for you they are against you and feel free to hang round and watch Me die on My feet cause I sure as hell am not gonna live on my knees….

Roll up.Roll up……
SF4L.
Michele.

Fat kids make better sandwiches.

-Brittstar March 04′

Got a post card today. Postcard was a damn site better that the fucking power bill I ‘ll tell ya that much. Where the fuck I am ment to find 400 quid in loose change is totally beyond Me.I will do my ‘What bill?’ trick…again… B* is watching “Lock stock and 2 smoking’…” and I am listening to Led Zep 2. If you ever want to feel about as talented as a pile of rancid 3 day old vomit this is the album that I would totally recomend…where was I? ….oh yeah…post card right!

Postal service in Spain must be run by stoners on donkeys.

Hey,
[ it said, ]
Spain here,
you there.
love yas all.
Ross.

Cunt.

Did a good poster run tonite and as always laughed our asses off at the dudes from sydney posters waving their fists at us hating our guts. Fuck em’ as Delux would say. In keeping with my total mood fuck everyone. Our Pc [ computer, not the bass player from ‘Duster…] is surrounded by scraps of paper, roach ends and empty cards of Neurophen. B* Scrawled on the back of the phone bill last nite “I’d sell my soul for total control….” remember that song? Sums it all up nicely really. It would be valid if I had a soul to sell…

Tommrow is rent day. Shit. Not so much parting with the dollars mind…just the fact that there are so many assholes out there during the day.Should be banks for vampires… I will make it. I wont even take a gun.

Speaking of firearms..Ted Nugent!.. Sorry! Wrong rant……almost 10 years since Kurt left the building.10 FUCKING YEARS!!!!!!!! Get me back to the 90’s in my De lorien. Please. Got to see Helmet drastically underaged and recklessly drunk…what more do you want from life.?.

I rest My case.

To the sikfuk who asked….. I counted…. I now have 23 tattoos…Fuck me! That looks like alot when you write it down. Soon to be more. Bet ya sweet ass on that.

Mmmmm….Thank you Shine boys! The call in Blunt was sooo sweet.

Does anyone wanna pay my bills?…worth a try.

The song listing for the new slab is looking good. We are back at it tommrow. The latest one is called “Blood calls…” I had the wet dream of the century last nite…got to do the Slayer support.[ There was some other shit that had fuck all to do with that but for once I will keep my trap shut..Lets just say that that was the 1st time that I have EVER woken up in a mood that good!..] How many motherfuckers would that piss off! How happy would I be!

My last Slayer moment rendered me useless as always….. most rockgods are like some kind of Esher print to me…the closer I get the shorter they get. Kerry King came up to my armpit. I was gutted! But I am getting used to it!

“Sand ” Is pretty much done and there are a few “Rock out with ya cock out ” moments that are gonna freak people out.I love all those super serious metalheads who do nothing but bitch like a bunch of blondes at a year 8 disco. You just know the last thing they played was the recorder in yr 3 or with themselves… I get all Paul Rogers in the studio now. Funny shit. We are still working out the logistics of recording the album in Canada. Any excuse to miss the worst of the winter here.

I am digging all the shit you sikfuks are sending into the site. Keep the profiles rolling in. You can say if ya wanna be working team or not. Get ya head up there so we know who we are hooking up with on the road. I am hooking up with Miss Shelia to give her the contents of my photo file….be afraid…

I am gonna go and try and get some sleep…yeah right…..But I will see ya’ll at Mortal Sin this Friday I take it? Last time I had the pleasure was in 97’ and THIS is the original line up…you would be a fool not to…Fri the 5th at The mighty Annandale. Me and The B* will be there flyers flying, Rocking out and all that ….then she has the un-enviable task of helping me pick my dreads….eugh…..She is a saint.She is boiling eggs and I have a nutella jones that wont fuck off. My life is one big diet. Well it is now. I fell down the stairs the other day and not only is 6’3 a long way down but being that I am in my fat Elvis stage I shifted the foundations of Chez rock when my fat ass landed. Drastic measures. If you see Iggy pop Tell him that I want my metabolism back. Cheers.

Delux is gonna shit when he catches this backlog….

Big congrats to my brother and co. for The Hard- ons making it into the “Top one hundred gigs that changed the world” in Blunt. Too fucking right! I am still miffed that he did not make the “Top 100 axe masters….” or what ever it was called in Rolling Stone. This is not Bias but NO one Pulls a guitar sound like Blackie. God only knows that it changed my life enough to sell my soul to rock and roll.

I was gonna tell you about my side project but I think the less that is said at this point the better.

More Tourettes TV heading your way…I shudder to think…they never run it by me which is quite canny. You get to see the grind behind of one of the most involved photo sessions ever.I was picking fake blood out of orifices that I did not know existed for days afterward.Ash made a spectical of himself with a cows tounge. If you can avoid it? Do not get semi nude around lard. Take it from one who knows.To all asking about the song with Peaches?. We are both up for it but as always it is logistics. We will see what we will see ok? There are gonna be a few suprises on this album.

Send me your sugestions for the title and if any of you sikfuks nail it? Well! You get the Kudos…but be warned it would wanna be good…hehehe….

New Film clip soon.

Never thought that I would miss Ross this much.

Squeeze my lemon indeed Mr Plant………
Later.
SF4L.
Michele.

You know that this is for you and I know that you remember…

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, beastial,
who,
squatting upon the ground
held his heart in his hands and ate of it.

I said
“Is it good friend?”
“It is bitter-bitter”
He answered
“But I like it,
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart.”

-Stephen Crane.

Would someone like to tell me where the fuck the last 8 weeks have got to? Fuck!
March!
Je-sus!

Fisrt of all class I would like to welcome you to “Anger management 101- Advanced study-How not to get caught” My name Is Prof.Madden and I will be goose stepping you through the mindfield of daily bullshit that you, as exceptional people should be well armed against, hence ya’ll taking this class…….

[ I know where all the bodies are buried. Like they say in Vegas “There are alotta holes in the desert….”]My advice to the unwise and garden variety stupid? You are fucking with the wrong broard….Lotta plates getting broken at Chez Rock at present I gotta tell ya.

I am starting to think, scratch that. I have always belived that people dont belive themselves, work with me on this Ok?…I know that it is late and all….Just think,Cause if they did they would say what they thought to the person that they thought it about …right? People are scared of being unliked by people that they dont even like..Go figure..strange fuckin’ breed.

To quote my friend John Devoy…”SAY IT”

Fear…not just a cool punk band ya know…..They say that a great leader rules through fear and people tend to fear what they dont understand. Guess that makes me, makes us, public enemy No# 1.

Some shit…..

So tired,so very tired.Underneath a blanket of memories, I watch you sleep. Your skin has broken out a little and you look clammy to touch. So young and soft.A wanna be hard ass who has seen too much. You are safe here and cocky with it,Your dirty hair gives off the scent of those god awful imported ciggerettes that you incessently smoke during your scant waking hours. That and sandlewood. I want you always to have this sanctury. I know that you have been feeling low and haunted. Hunted. I want to kiss you, brethe into your sleeping form. To pass airbourne peace into the bong scared landscape your damaged lungs. But its no good. You would only exhale it un-knowingly with your 1st smoke of the morning as you saddled up your willing demons for another day hard riding. I will wave you off into your fresh hell and hope that you pass my way again soon.

-Live as youwill have wished to have lived when you are dying.
-Gellart.

My dreads are itching to the shithouse and the sun is making itself known. I think too much and say to little and I dont think that I am ever gonna be as great as I wanna be. I dont think that any of us are.

Perfection tates like sugar,I think…I am not qualified to comment as I dont know….but scars? Scars taste like victory.

Tell ya what…You show me yours and I will show you mine.

[fuck I hope that I sleep today.]

Later.
SF4L.
Michele.

Whoever contends with the great sheds his own blood.

-Sa’di-1258.

I am not gonna pick up the phone and you can only save yourself hand me that gun……

My scars are itching and the summer is starting to fade.

I ran into a person who kinda knew me a long time ago.After the last show at The Metro.Back when breakfast was a slurpee, a shot and a ciggerette. It was strange. I could not really place her in my hall of mirrors, my fucked up filing cabnet of a mind. I remember the idea of her. She told me that not as many people were dead as I thougt they would be. Nice to know. They may as well be though…they gave up. They walked away from a war. I remember share houses,warm beer, Black flag blaring insessantly through cheap tinny spekers in stolen cars wishing that some one would notice that I was alive. That I would have killed for one kiss and never being loud enough.So you tell Me.
Am I loud enough for ya now?

All those mad poets and crusty punks that inspired my “Will to be weird” as Jim Morrison would slur whisky and black leather through my teenage dreams locked screaming in the burbs.They all flew the white flag and limped away, Left Me out on the point, and, I guess that even to this day I dont understand. I always viewed myself as “The one least Likely To”..I never got it right…still dont… all those cool kids who dripped hip and smelt like good dope. That would not even look at me…where are they now?

Fucking chartered accountants thats where.

I just keep getting angrier. So I am a late bloomer. I am Glad that I did not burn out at 16. That I still belive in what I chose in. What chose me.

Raised by wolves baby.

There was this girl……

The 1st time that she ever saw her,she was speaking too loud and too fast. Hands like knives, lips like an independant animal.It was not what she was holding court at that cramped dirty table about,rather it was the way that she did it.Bold and sure. Feeding the faces that surrounded her smoky and animated at 3 in the morning.Their minds open like hungry baby birds starving for the words that she would spit up to sate them…to save them.

She never made it to that table to bask in that light.

I held her as she died. Her friends where long gone. She never even knew my name.

Did an interview today. I always end up feeling dumber at the end than I did at the beginning if that is possible. The best question was “What is the the biggest misconception about you?”

I told them that they did not have the time or paper to cover them all but I will tell you SF’s what I think it is. That I have a soft side. I have a good side but people get slack and mix those two up. Good and soft are two completely different things.Take my word for it when I tell you that.

Dont fuck with a headshy dog unless you wanna get bit. What the hell do I give a fuck. Its your goddamned hand.

Saturday nite at Chez Rock and I am having a hard time getting my head straight as the Brittstar is on the sofa singing White Zombie to me. There is no finer way to spend a nite in. I think about going out but there are civilians out there and I cant be assed to lock and load…..

I cannot stress to you enough how much I cant wait to play again. I expect to see ya’ll at The Annandale on the 13th. It is a Saturday so I will take no excuses.

Thinking too much and sleeping to little. Telling myself that I can get out the front door without smacking someone in the face. That I can nail that song.That I can do anything I want. The smaller the circle the more precise the rotation. I myself am a fan of precision. Within Chaos? Ah! There is nothing finer.

Got to go to Ruinations 1st show at Manly last nite. Good to see Val, Danny And Dave back up there where they belong. Manly freaked the hell outta me. All these buff braindead rejects and their bimbo girlfriends. Could make for some nice target practice given the right vantage point. Solid show and good company. Lotta metal heads out that way so I think that I will rolll my circus into town. Why do I judge them so?

Why not.

I wanna know why people think that they have been given some fully sanctioned right to get up in my face and tell me what they think of Me.

to whit…

What do you think would happen if I went up to a civilian and told them that I thought that they were…fat/ugly/tall/short/weird/the wrong gender….I would get fucking arrested,that is what would happen,yet,day after day these gormeless fucks do this to me. I wish that I was shitting you. My own fucking band members did not belive me but at one time or another they have all seen it.

Do you know what I want….I want more.I shit you not. I want more and more and more. I want them to fuel my hate. I never want to get comfortable. I never want to slow down . I want to get therm right in their stupid bovine faces just by existing.

Do you know the power that they hand to Me? To you? They fear you. Never, what ever you do, even at your darkest point and lowest hour EVER fucking forget that. Arm yourself with knowledge. That is why they fuck with you. They dont have the guts to go against the pack mentality so they take their weakness,their latent seething envy out on you. Because you have the guts to live your life.

You know that saying about marching to the beat of your own drummer?

Dave Lombado Motherfuckers! Bill Motherfucking Ward!!!! Big Gene Hoglin! Igor Cavelera!!!!

Said Me a few more good byes this month. Never give yourself away. Not even to your own platoon. It will not do any of you any favours in the long run. No matter how much you love or belive in a human I say 60- 75 % tops. You would not hand your car keys to a theif. Why hand your heart to another?

You can always replace a car……

Bitter? No. I just dont fuck around with the drama that people seem to think constitues a life. Sue Me. I am like Scarface on this one..Remember the restarant scene?.Thats right…Everybody look at the bad guy.

I think that it is a bit to far into the game to be messing with the rules….or maybe that is why I win every time no matter what I loose . Rules are to be followed. I follow nothing but myself.

The sofa is now silent as the Arsenal- Charlton game is on….. Two / nil.

Natch.

So off into the US summer to show em’ how it is done.Gotta an album to give ya’ll before we go. There is so much hard work between now and getting on that bird outta here that best I keep my head down.Thanx for reading and for all that you do for the band. You are of great value. Never forget that.

Stay strong and take shit from no man.
SF4L.
Michele.

26/02/04

It is when ever that niggling voice inside tells Me “You really shouldnt be writing now….” Is when I KNOW I gotta nail it……

La sottise, l’erreur, le peche, la lesine,Occupent nos esperits et travaillent nos corps,Et nous alimentons nos aimables remords,Comme les mendiants nourissent leur vermine.-Baudelaire.-1855.

[….where ever he is right now I hope that he forgives me for my crappy handling of his work and of the French language in general. Pardon. Merci.]

I should be in bed. I gotta get up and do shit tommrow but my fragile [snort] self does not wanna go out and mess with the masses. This is the 1st access that I have had to the computer since the B* got hooked on “My space”. That shit is like computer crack! She is up for 50 hours at a time. She must have known that I was writing about her cause she has just come down for a ciggerette! Spooky.

Wish that I could have one….hundred…….through my trach tube…dying in the hospital laughing till I choke. With Jenna Jamerson wailing at my side…cool.

Looking foward to playing the Annandale. Looking foward to torching everything I own, burning my fingertips off with lye,shaving my head and getting in the van forever to be a motherfucking noise machine.

Go look at yourself and ask yourself what it is that you really want.Now fucking do it and dont worry about what it will cost you.The really good shit will cost you everything but the gift in that is that they can lock your corpse into a 9 to 5, a fucked up marriage whatever…add your version of living hell here…. but there is purity in giving yourself what you want and if you want it bad enough you will get it.And it is yours alone. No one can make you give it up. To crib off TS Elliot [ Very badly may I add as is keeping with my usual vampire hours….]”Liberty has its own pain ” But to quote, in retort, one JC Mellencamp ” Hurts SO good….”

Fuck your car repaymentsFuck your fake friendsFuck your fat feeble unused brainsFuck TVFuck playstationFuck all the products you are force fed in the name of “efficency” that keep you dumb and lockedFuck you if you ever fucked with meFuck your trendsFuck your truth avoiding tacticsFuck your “2nd best is good enough”Fuck your “It will do ” ethic

It wont do.It will never do.But if you stay stupid you will be “OK” It will be “Nice” and no one will ever question you. Hell!. You will be so bummed out on beer, backpayments, breeding and bullshit that you will never come up for air….You will die where you festered being nothing but a “Coulda ,shoulda, woulda….did’nt”

It is your call, so what are you gonna do with it?

Just somthing to think about,
Have a nice day now.

Later.
SF4L.
Michele.

If you are strong enough, there are no precedents.

F.Scott Fitzgerald. 1945.

Loud and clear…….

If you can show me any two other women who have danced with a member of Metallica to “Girls just wanna have fun” By Cindi Lauper,speak now or forever hold your peace!!!!.[ I am not gonna tell you who it was!…oh ok! If ya bust my balls at a show……] Yes, I am still flying high! Have you checked out “Uprooted?” Only a bass player could document a mega festival by way of its catering. Bless. But I gotta admit…I was eating everything that was not tied down and checking out what everyone else was stuffing their faces with.[ “Hmmm? Is Mars Volta having the chicken?”] Pathetic admitted,but you get the picture…Like you wouldnt? Britt was mega impressed with the free ice cream and Peaches decided that the oysters were a no go.Dinner with ‘Duster was cool! Boys! you gotta put Will on a leash!

I cant wait to play the Metro this weekend.CANT WAIT!!! For me it is a real thank you show to all the sikfuks and assorted freaks that have put us at the top of our game.Well, That and a chance to cut sik all over a big stage yet again.Ya’ll get a chance to kiss Rossco goodbye too!

Saw the greatest grafitti the other day.I am gonna skate down and get a photo.[ I will send ya a copy MFR.] Well, I am gonna get someone to take a photo of me pulling some spack face standing next to it throwing the goats.

“PLAY SOME FUCKING STOOGES!”

That? That, dear readers, is pure fucking class.

HA! I got a heap of photos back on a jaunt to Newtown! Me and B* sat in Cafe C sighing over our fruitplatter like a couple of missguided catholic schoolgirls. Yes! ARGHHHHH!!!!! Me and Burton look like killer fan boys! Had the coolest time with those guys. Byron is amazing on Bass and I got to see him play twice in 6 months. I am so lucky! I dunno when ya’ll get to see em’ as the computer I am on at the moment is pedal operated and without a scanner and when ever I ask Rossco to scan stuff he gives me a flinty look and turns on his heel.

With the ammount of people screaming “TOURETTES!!!!!” at my myopic ass on the street I am mighty glad that I did not call the band “Motherfucker”.

Thanx to everyone who bailed me up at the BDO for photos,signage action and just talk. You all really made my day. If you have e-mailed me and I have not got back to ya I am sorry! I will get there! You have no idea how long it is taking me to write this.I am spacing out to “Rated R” by QOTSA. Well that mixed with the fact that it is 4 somthing god awlful antisocial in the morning.Still waiting on the word from Melbourne to see if I am gonna head to the Globe skate mecca on the 14th of this month [A valentine to myself!] to marvel at all those deck dwelling daredevils. I will,with the help of the Brittstar, scare the crap outta most of em’. Bet on it. The thing that will make our skate fueled jaunt down south complete would be a gig from Bloodduster and The Shine. I will stop be a cranky fuck for at least a week if that is the case!

Oh man! The best comedown after BDO was seeing the coolest band at the Vic on the park on the Sunday after the fact.Nothing like finding a new band to dig! We ran into them at the BDO and I ran up to the drummer screaming “Tee-shirt of the day man!!!!” Due to that fact that he was poured into an original “Too fast for love” number! We returned the favour the next nite at their show with me in my JD T and red bandanna/baseball cap combo ala Axl and the B* in my “Girls,Girls,Girls” Tank,an excuse of a skirt and some dangerous boots.Hell City Glamours rock my world. Go see em’ if you dig your rock sleazy and Sunset strip flavored.

Speaking of rock gods that I adore,I gotta send a get well out to one of my fave Axe-meisters.”Big Daddy” Julian James from The Shine who has broken his hand. Beating off Chicks I am guessing. Get well soon man or “Heads are gonna roll”!

The other T-shirt that I bowed down to at BDO…. “Bitches and sluts? A Jedi needs not of these things.”

Fucking Stellar that!

I gotta get my rox off while Delux is OS cause once he gets back we are back on the road.Cant wait for that!!! Ash has got my balls in a vice while our bassgod swans round the continent . Way heavy pre-pro but I am getting better with it all.The sick tale on this next one is called “Hitch” written through the eyes of the Green river killer.Me and Jeff Hannerman eh? My stand out moment is when he is cutting a girl apart and he asks her as she is dying… “Where is your god now?” Serial killer gold.

This is one of the reasons that I cannot get a date, isnt it?

I really want this one mapped out so I will be annoying Ash with heaps of stupid ideas. You know those albums that you listen to really loud on your headphones in the dark looking out into the nothing flat on your back? Feeling your eyelids click in the inky nothing?… Well that is what I wanna deliver this round.

Anyway I swore to to Ross that we would be ready to go by the time he got back so I have really put my foot in it this time and as always I was wearing thongs…eugh.

Content?…Hmmmmm……

Well, My usual “If you dont love me I am gonna write veiled songs that only you will get” numbers that the people that they are about never get anyway which makes me feel like even more of a fucking desperado and my patent “Fuck-you-sleep-with-one-eye-open-you-CUNT” epics… but we are GRINDING here sports fans! “Small Enemy” is only a taste. It is a really fat sound. Blackie is gonna be guesting on a mega track which I cant WAIT for! We are gonna live out all our Brian Wilson fantisies on this one so I dunno if we will ever be able to deliver it live.It will have 10 pianos and an ass flute or some such crap on it.Who gives a fuck! It is gonna be wicked! The one that I wanna do this Friday is gonna drive Ash batshit.You have my word. All it is is a dying heart beat.It is so sad.I love it! I have been messing with it all week and it tears my heart out when I belt it in the shower so I really wanna do it.Manning is gonna hate it.Not only is he gonna hate it he is gonna let me do it and then when I come back next week he would have stuck bleepy spazzed out keyboards all over it which, by the way,he KNOWS I despise, and when I start yelling at him and I WILL start yelling,he will make a sniggering break for the kitchen where it will take him 45 minutes to make me a cup of tea while I calm down.

Unrequitted crushes?…Pft!…I am gonna be 15 for-fucking -ever!

I was flattered beyond belief to be the 1st interview of the year with Craig Hickey on the Minstry of Metal on 94.7 The Pulse down south.As always I got verbal diahroea and made a complete pratt of myself.I made Lars Ulrich look like fucking Marcel Marceu! Craig really knew his stuff which is insanely flattering and we raved on for almost and hour! Best thing? NO FOUR SECOND DELAY!!!! I could swear to my dirty little hearts content! Bonus!!!

If you want your mind blown head to www.sikfuks.com ,No lie! Its amazing and I now know what everyone looks like! It is a great place to throw your input into the ring. I gotta thank Miss Shelia sikfuk ,Miss Karen and Big Mike V. Totally killer shit and if any of you SF’s have not got your damage up there snap to it. I dont wanna hear about anymore of this interstate feuding. It is a load of butt. We are all in this together. There is NO king of the hill on this one! I am the Bad Lt. and that is all ya gotta remember!

Ahhh Valentines day!.[Gack!] The object of my missguided affection is allergic to me.No shit.I think that I make said foxy break out in hives or somthing. Woe. Fucking great .Back to interfering with myself in the shower.

I wanna record a song with Nick O! [babybaby your soooooo sweet!]

I am spending alot of time out on our balcony watching the kids from the top of the street avoid getting wiped out on their crappy scooters by a pubic hair [ Belive me,I am rooting for the cars,not the kids.] and doodling on my shorts like the 8th grade reject that I am with a sharpie. Navel gazing for world peace while Brittstar blasts Cat Stevens and Pines for her island in the South China sea [it is a long and complex fable involving palm trees and scooters that gets her rather misty eyed and longing for a joint] while the two greek kids across the street beat 7 shades of shit out of each other with their schoolbags and their mother bawls em’ out.

Ahhh domestic life! I am such a bum! I should be out there man! A contender! [choke!] contributing [cough!] to socity[OH!HAHaheheh…hic!…my SIDES!] yeah… whatever..It is killer having her back.The B* that is. Our room is a hellhole filled with matresses, stolen hotel towels,[erm..that would be me….] impractial boots [ My manga queen roomate,natch.] and noise. It is like rock and roll boot camp.All Very novel for all involved trust me.Nanda drops in from her Nirvana themed enclave down the hall for gossip sessions that must have muso ears burning all over town! bliss! My life has morphed into a heavily tattooed slumber party.Whoot! I live with 2 women that would make a bishop kick in a stained glass window and The coolest drummer in the world [ TM ] Garbage bags have been nailed over all the windows. A rogues gallery of incriminating rockstar pix blue tacked over my seedy mattress? Check! Heaven.

There is talk of doing a few shows with the amazing Pod People in March when Mr Globetrotter gets back [ Moi? Green? Envy?…. ? FUCK YEAH! I wanted to be in NOLA with Gooch hanging off a lamp post in The French Quater at 3 in the morning after seeing Superjoint!…sigh…album comes first and then swamp follies…]…where was I?…Yeah! Pod People! I have said it before…”Doom Saloon” Is one of the best albums of the last 10 years and you are a tool if you dont check it out.

To tell you the truth it will be an honour and a dream run to get to play with them. Slowly I am getting to play with all my dream bands. The last 18 months has been a dream.I DONT WANNA WAKE UP!

Swoon! BC Bell wrote about us in his tour journel and Muse talked about us on Fbi…love it!.Cheers to Skulker for the props and Andrew on Chanel V for showing off my short-art! [Still up for that scrabble game?]..Not that ole’ clueless here had any idea that any of this was going on! [Suprised? I think not!] so thanx to all the sikfuks who keep me informed! You rule! Ya’ll is hell cooler than my winged monkeys even! Ok! Thats it! I gotta sleep!

The fucking sun is comming up! How Rude!
See Ya’ll at The Metro.
And remember………..
“There are no small enemies”
SF4L.
Michele.

25/01/04

I have got so much to tell ya’ll that it is gonna come out in the wrong order and over the next couple of days. I think that we all ran on about 2 hours sleep a day and pure rock love. Well, as always I can only speak for myself. Before I get any further I wanna thank our crew,our sonic family…

Karen Marree : TM Supreme.
Britt Young : PA / Shitkicking princess.
Chris: Soundman
John : Guitar tech.

And most of all to all the Sikfuks who made it in and got us to where we are today. Just knowing that you guys made up the front line ? I cant fully articulate how that made me feel without repeating all that I have told you so many times before.All I can do is thank you….

Oh Man! We got a dressing room and all! Little sign on the door with our name on it…such a buzz! We got out there mega early and I was greeted by so many old faces from the Lock and load crew which made it more like some kind of amazing homecomming as they were all so happy for us. We dumped all our shit and greeted our new neigbours for the next 2 days….Fear Factory! Star struck we made our way to the stage.

I have imagined walking up that ramp as a card [ or in this case, laminate ] carrying contender my whole life. I know that you know the daydream that I am talking about. It was so still under the low clouds.I kept my eyes to the floor,steping over deadly looking cables coiled like sleeping snakes as thick as a childs arm, through the door and out into the open…22 steps to the front of the riser.And then I looked up…… I tell you now that at that moment everything for one chrystal second was perfect. I have never felt so small in my life, I mean, the whole world was still asleep and I was standing in the middle of any fans version of the Sistine fucking Chaple!!!!!!! There were a few people riding bikes out in the stadium and the ground crew doing what they all do so well. So quiet! You equate size like that with noise so to see it as such was amazing. I just plonked down on the edge of the stage and swooned. Your about 15 feet off the ground and gobsmacked. It was enough for me even at that point. It was also as close to religion that I have come in a long while.

I dont think that I could ever be or get jaded with this. Not just the big shows but being able to get out there and play at all. It is all that I have and my only love….

After that time flew. I was heading back to the dressing room to get what little of my mental shit I could find at that point together when the sound check followed me. The 3 men who had made this journey with me,My brothers….THAT loud! Nanda told me later that she could hear us from the car park! My moniters alone where about the size and power that we play thru at a club gig. Very heady shit indeed! There was nothing left to say by the time that we all made it back.We all stood around feeling like we had pulled off the great rock and roll swindle. It hit me like a truck. Where we were and what we were about to do.

How did I feel?

“FUCK YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

There we are.Side of stage.Me jumping round like a ritlin baby,swinging my arms like a chopper.Over comes the stage manager “2 Minutes guys” he solomly intones. Gulp! We didnt say anything we all just ran for it.I jumped up on the riser and took a photo grinning like a loon while my boys locked in. the mike in front of me like a challenge,an enemy, a lover…..

“Good morning Sydney and welcome to your Big Day Out!”

To tell you the truth it was all a noisy blur after that. I heard the opening riff for “Small Enemy” and I just went with it. I can tell you one thing though, I NEVER wanted it to end! The people that were there seemed to dig it and we were all having a good time so it was great.

Telling that many people to throw the goats? Perfect!

Oh yeah! I did not drop my pants which was a major act of restraint on my part and for the 1st time PC from Duster kept his dacks on as well so I feel that the world has alot to be greatful for! So great seeing ‘Duster out there on the road at this level. I gotta admit that they were the 1st crew that I ran for after we played. They have been a huge influence in me and great friends so you can imagine how cool it was for me to see them warping the minds of all those metal virgins!

Just sat here for 5 min looking out into nothing. I am buggered but I cant sleep! I shut my eyes and my brain wont shut up. I want to tell you as much as I can but I keep drifting off!

Ok…Backstage. It is one huge pavillion with portibles set up as dressing rooms..Pooltables,Ping pong, Pinball, sofas….Like Rock camp! I cannot grasp the scale of everything. I can see why stars can become such rat bags! Anything you want? Just ask man and it is yours! No shit! I have never eaten so well in my life!!! No wonder people come off the road with such an ass shattering thump! I was walking round and seeing all these artists who were wonder who the hell I was! our neigbour on the other side was Poison the well! we were up on the top level with a view of all that lay below and right above……

METALLICA!

They had a whole side of the pavillion,it was like a compound down there. Fucking awsome to say the least. I tried not to hang around like a bad smell too much but I was not alone. I saw all the biggest stars reduced to quivering fan boys much like yours truly here. It was a sight to behold alright. Right there infront of you are 21 years of Brutal bay area Gods . I had the same conversation a few times over the weekend with other metalhead musicians and road crew , How they are the sound track to so much of what we are.I planted my best friend to “One” and “Enter Sandman”. I hoped that where ever he was that he could see me now. Nothing can prepare you for seeing James Hetfeild siting on a sofa 50 feet away from you.Nothing.Take my word for it! I have NEVER seen bodyguards that big!

It was the coolest before they went on. They got in and jammed the Fuck outta it at full volume for about 25 min while we all hung around swooning!

I got to see most of the band on the second day. Britt and I ran from stage to stage all day. Rossco knocked himself out seeing EVERY band!

Fear Factory came down to watch us the second day which was amazing.Peaches and her super dancers Billie Lime and Miss Annabell in the pit,Billie in her Tourettes t-shirt! Bobby the superman of The Black Eyed Peas. Now That was a buzz! As I oozed off stage falling over my kilt,Burton shook my had gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said ” Michele you have got an amazing voice! That was Brutal!” I tell ya, if Britt was not there to hold me up I would have fallen over!

Miss Karen has just arrived and as she is going home soon you will hafta excuse me while we hang out the front and have a big fat gossip!
Later SF4L.
Michele.