There is a straighter line than you were first lead to believe and I greive for such ignorance.

-Untitled-New album-M.Madden.

Take me back to dirt and scum.Gimme red lights,gimme high heals gimme drunk whores and guido pimps gimme 12 hour nights and tattoo guns buzzing gimme sharp thirsty blades that moan my name,gimme green soap shaved skin ink in dogyears stale beers and a ciggette that never ends axl crooooon,gimme panda eyes stale air no sleep crack whores dark alleys made men fenced shit roapy veins dirty stages hard core porn broken teeth votive candles jail time ships commin in nick cave singin to me champane drunk under aged over pained only the faggots loved me….. gold dust women smeared edges guns and roses,swoon worthy kisses high school maybees boys in the car park gimme tonite forever gimme sweet hazy swamp grown sweetleaf Ozzy told me that i was gonna go snow blind Fucked till we were sore and still wanted to get high vodka and morphine and i smelt rotten water hurt then remember ?veins away from me.I got so drunk the day of your funeral that i almost fell of the back of his harley i thought if i jumped i would fly hitting up between parked cars kyuss a million pills for a million ills…if you tell we are gonna kill you family…you are a slut…I peed blood and was grown up then….Paper bag fuck ….too ugly to screw…a block of hash the size of my fist…he put sugar in the water to make the dope grow sweeter AK-47 in the house knife with my name V8 finger fuck foils dealing and making deals under tables I know this bent doctor dont use that fit again…Dropped a pill and i loved you till the sun rose,Big chalky sleepers,ludes,ludes,ludes and valium munchies who lives here?Cherokee in La and the GBH was under the sink and he got pissed and locked me out threw all my shoes out the window cause i was gonna be a star in LA baby How much can he get?…. stripclub princesses coulda loved ya junkie ass if you hadnt of stolen my guitar and you read my journal and i felt so right telling you to get out fallin down the stairs I beat on you just as good as you wailed on me daddy-o and sure we can blame it on the coke damn is that blood? Is it bleeding.rehab and lock down,hep tango yellow girl red wine blues Fuckin dyke.Sleepin with an axe handle Bitt my sister at the ranch..dont call it rape baby dont do it to me You cant even see the bruise so dont worry about it.I havnt eaten in 3 days…smashed plates and I wont wait for you sleepin in the closet on borrowed time thinking that i would live forever.

In your arms.

thought I was real.

( you are your 1st 20 years michele….Ross.)

Oh god…………………………

I never really reach.I did at four this morning and regreted it.Live in a van? Nowhere to run.Its lazy here.I have let myself slide.Opium madness…..

“Everybody is so fulla shit….”
Perry Farrell

The ones that you think will last never do.I curse mine with my belief.I was in Miss Annies bathroom today when I caught sight of myself in her mirror.I look like no one that I know.Beauty denied I will now open myself to the possibilities of completely destroying myself.

Do you wanna watch?

I cried.Sat in the snow and sobbed.It was like taking a shit.Just another bodily function.Felt a bit better after the fact but not much.Leif said to me before I left that this would be the run where I fell off the wagon.Most days I am hopeless with my lifetime.Admitted.But to fall off the wagon would take the last of me.Cant do it.I want a ciggerette soooo bad.Sittin’ on the sofa at Dylan and Nikkis playing with one but never lighting it.Dyaln snatches it out of my hand and tell Me that I wont start again cause I am not a failure.

Who is out there?

I dream about you.I see you all as lights across a open space.I can see you in the distance but you cant hear me.There it is.You cant hear me.

You learn how to fight with a greater skill than you ever imagined.We are not really playing agin and the thouht of long months of no relief burn me dry.I know that we will be in lock out and that this album is the shit but what will I do without it? I am gonna be watching for tripwires now more than ever.

I have no relief in sight right now.

It will drive me or destroy me.

Again I ask you….Do ya wanna watch?

When ever things go right for me I want to ask if they have the right sister.

Tonite I suck.
By your leave.
SF4L
Michele

Telling tales of drunkeness and cruelty.

-The Kinks.

You see the colors in me like no one else.
-No Doubt

You bet your life it is.
-Tori Amos

I have been having bad dreams again….I get to sound like your father complaining about his youth here.My asshole parental figure always usta throw out that whole “When I was a boy…through the snow….no shoes…ect”

Well,I walked through the snow to write this to y’all today.It takes forever to get anywhere and the “Ohhhh! Snow!” novelty factor wore off pretty damn quick.I woke up with my hand stuck to the metal wall of the bus.Ner.

Walking home from the studio in sub zero temps at 3 this morning after a night of singing my hole out [“Dude! this sounds like Blondie getting reamed by Canibal Corpse!”] I thought of how mental my lfe really is.

To whit…..

Sitting at Blends taking up room as usual the other day when I entered into polite conversation with two strapping young Aussie chicks.All the usual travel questions and,keep in mind that this could only happen to me, It ends up that I am chatting to the daughter of the man who expelled me from school .

natch.

Oh this fucking snow.I dont want to hear about how hot it is back there.I am green with envy.But then again I am looking quite smashing in my Russian fur hat.That is what is called “Being positive” Lord! I should quit now as I suck at it.

Went to a really cool house party the other nite and watched a heap of very cool and staunch Sikfuks go very hard.These motherfuckers can drink! I have never seen anyone fight a refrigirator before either.No1# son got in on the drinking game action which involved alot of shouting and banging of glasses.Also involved was a blow up doll,a light up sign that said “SEX” and Many big spliffs.

I woke up the next afternoon in a king sized bed being served wanton soup.A stellar weekend!

I try to imagine how much more trouble I would get in if I indulged!

Lucky to have a really cool pack of Sikfuks here who take amazing care of me and the boys.[Take a bow…Dylan,Mike,Kevin,Richard,Kerri,Ryan,AJ,John,Matt,Tamara…] I dont think that I have ever had it so good.

This is just a newsy rant about y’all!Rather think and talk about that than Moi.

My evergreat Miss Karen is now booking at The Bat and Ball.Way to go!Get down there and check out the stellar acts that she is serving up.

Thanx to all that have written Me about the gallery pages that Miss Shelia has set up on the SF4L site.She tells me that your profiles are going to be back up soon so keep an eye on it.Thanx to Dru for the new pic in the art section.

Been told that some of the family from this side of the pond are now up and chatting.Keep em hooked up and welcome em’ on board.I have been lucky enough to meet most of them and like y’all they are good peeps and you never know when you are gonna need a floor to crash on this side of the world.Or visa versa.I speak through experence.We have all got the best thing going here…..

Who was scanning their school uniform???

A little bird keeps me posted! That is soooo kinky!

My brain is broken.I am gonna get dressed and skid my way to the cafe on 4 intches of ice then go and bug Smash.Ross is AWOL an Mikey is looking dangerous so I think that I will stay out of his way.Next time you get to read my diary.Wont THAT be fun.Snort.

Keep up the mail and bug the shit outta the press and sites for BDO action.Go…Fly my children of the night! get our frozen asses on tour so that we can come and rock out the summer with you!

I am a popsicle.Now of course I am thinking about being licked cause I am an insuffrarable perve.

They are able because they think that they are able.

-Vergil

In a band with people who hate my voice.I move to Canada and the Hockey gets cancelled for the season.Its me isnt it?

-Journal entry Sept 15th.

Do Me a solid…..
Dont ask Me how I am .You will not hear what you want to hear so why bother.I never want to see the land that sired me again.The fuckers who wasted my time with their civilian ideas.The packs that they run with.The hollow tipped lies.
I want to get leaner.
I want to run myself to death.Stop padding my life with comfort,conversations that dont aid and arm Me,food,new,clean.
I want to starve dirty burned.
One day out of ten,tops,I understand myself.The whys and wherefores.
No one else does,can and nor would I expect them to.
Weakness kills.Kindness blinds.And the ones who wanna love you….OH SO UNKIND.
trust?

You have gotta be shitting me.

[Im your hero?………….thats why you hate Me .Idiot.Even I can see that]

I wish that it was confusing.

I wish that it didnt make as much sence as it does on a bad day.

Shit in one hand wish in the other and see which one fills up first right?

When attraction and beauty fade you are gonna want someone to hold your hand,because when you remember with someone else well,thats when it means somthing right?

Bullshit.

I am enjoying watching the bitter old people when I am out.The ones who sit there at the same table and dont even talk to each other.There is nothing left to say….

Not me buster.I will stay alone and bitter thank you very fucking much.I bear witness to my own bullshit and failures.I dont need a fucking side kick.

Oh man.Miss Karen wrote me and asked how to relate to the human race,how to see the good in people….I shot back asking why the hell she was asking Me of all people!!! Talk about unqualified up the yang!

Ash says that my pain hurts him.Peh! My pain brings songs to his feet like those chicks on the cover of “Distroyer” by Kiss.He is so misguided.He thinks that I am going to have a moment of clarity and forgive the ones who crossed me.Must have been the brain tumor that he had for breakfast.See where hippy pack mentality gets ya? Woodstock was 3 days.Flower power failed.

Mikey is on the phone trying to get out of here for Xmas as I type.I think that they hate me writing about them all the time.I will be sure to get my PA to file that under “Give a fuck” when she gets back from lunch shall I?

All I know is that this band would be up shit creek without my crap to wail about.They hate it and me when we are not on stage and I think that is great cause at least I know where I stand.

Veins burst in my eyes/ ears busted out like a jailbreak/ head throbbing/ I tell it /kill me you pussy faggot /Nah…./ Shit.

Back to relation-shits.

I dig what is unrequited.What takes place in my mind alone.

Make -up- break- up- shmake -up…dont you have anything better to do with your time?

The best relationships I ever had never happened.

Ross tells me that I spend to much time talking about the shit that takes place between us all on this page.I will leave the meat and potatos reporting up to his bassgod self.But I will take a leaf out of his self congratulatory book and I will give you a manafesto.Been a while hasnt it?

I figure worldwide right now that there are roughly 12 or so people who have got some kinda hold on me.I will not bander the “L” word around when it comes to corpses that are still moving.It always gets me in trouble.none the less,12 or so.Today I would give a limb not to know any of them.

I go out of my way NOT to connect.Sure I blow out at shows but no,you cant call.

It must be the way that I am wired but the whole shitck makes me ill.It has done nothing but waste my time and bring me pain.I have just written a whole fucking album about it.Oh! I may be crap at lovin’ but I am A-1 when it comes to longing…..

I know what I am good at and I know where I suck.I wanna send out a sorry to anyone who ever dated me.I told you what you were in for…tools….Heres a dollar….go call someone….I love the shit that my spies send me from chatrooms….Erm? Duh? do I look like the cake baking sit my ass at home I love Lucy type? All you bitches? You WISH that you could do what I do…same to all you dickless dudes….I am more of a man than you will ever be…an’ I got the cunt to prove it.Please dont stop.I really dig that I piss you off so bad…….

There is no practical bone in me when it comes to the day to day grind. Never let anyone tell you that you have to be with someone,that its a bad thing to end up alone.They are just pissed bitter that they ate the lie with relish.Just because you have mates or family members that are dumber than dogshite dont mean that you have to throw your chapeau into the same ring.They want you to be as locked down and dire as they are.No more no less.

Great big shining lie built to make you reproduce.

Every day I try to tell myself somthing true.Today it is that my band cant stand me.This is not a bad thing. I think,in fact ,that they go out of their way to fuck with me and you know what? Good for them.What would be a “Bad thing” is if they acted like they did like me..

No lies.Nice.

Just cause someone talks real loud dont mean that they are smarter than you.
I am surrounded by yelling twats.
I am gonna find more silence and then just up and explode.
Make sure that you have film in the camera…it will be good.

Everything is fucked.
What?
You really think that I am gonna start lying now.
SF4L.
Michele

Its kinda like a self-saucing pudding that cleans up after itself,really….

-Ross on people who swallow.

-Eughhhhhh Man!
Me on the above.

-Ive decided that we should call the Album “Led Zeplin 2” We cant fail!
Me….it was late Ok?

[Keep the title suggestions comming…I am digging it cronic!]

First a list:
To anyone who,over the last 2 weeks in BC:
Fed us
Let us sleep on their floors
Comped us Tickets
Put our name on the Door
Boozed us up
Gave us swag
Scored us drugs……
We are in your debt and give thanx.

Bonjour motherfuckers,
I just kicked delux out to go bar hopping with dave and smash.Mike is out doing posters and my brother Jr e-mailed me today to remind me that I am a shallow thoughtless prick.I still cannot get used to typing on this thing.

I had my “Fat Elvis woe is me day” today.You can thank Me when you see me for sparing you the details.I am well over myself now and going back to the gym tommrow.

Nerrrrrrrrrr…….

This is to be sung to the tune of “Jane says” [ Sorry Perry! It was funny at the time…]

Ash says,
Im fed up with Michele
She never fucking listens
Ross knows what a pain she is
And mikeys going postal….

Mish says I think Ashleys a cunt
He treats Me like Im dirt
And he doesnt learn the lyrics…

He doesnt learn the lyrics [Times 3]

Mike says
They are all after Me
They think that I dont notice
Ross sits and rolls his tired eyes
While Ash and michele snigger…

Ross says I dont like Rock’n’Roll
It makes my headache throb
I dont know why I still do this….

I dont know why I do this [Times 3]

Mish says
This tour fucking sucks
we never play enough shows
Ross yells and tells her to shut up
While Ash skins up a monster spliff

Mike says I wanna see my girl
You cunts are fucking mad
we all go mental in the RV

WE ALL GO MENTAL IN THE RV…..
[add lib to fade]

-Mama? I dont like it as the truth hurts but it is good that you wrote it.
-No# 1 son.

I have been sleeping in Chuck Billys old Testement long sleave and sooking hard core.What did I expect? Hang out with my Toxic Twin for a fortnight…I am detoxing OK? Ash gets into the studio tommrow and we are jamming in the doom-room again so at least,to nick a line off my ever brillant Sir Hank it will “Keep my mind off my mind”

Well done to Miss Shelia on the sikfuk site.The gallery is looking quite smashing. Keep those profiles rolling in,Yes I am talking to you North America!Photos of y’all in your Tourettes shirts never go astray as well.We are always in awe of your art work too so keep us posted.

The Hard ons played at the ‘dale……Sigh.I am not home sick.Just event sick.As always. Here we go on the recording front.Me and Ross were very good and went and practiced our singing along with Skynard ,free pool and gratis chicken wings [Cheers mike!] At “Juliets castle” Our local dive.Professional non?

“The problem is,3 beers? not enough.4 beers? I am anybodys!”
“Neh,4 beers and you are Everybodys…”
-Delux and Moi.On the town.Heh.

Ive got a fucking blood nose again! Up the altitude and watch Me come apart.Kinda Iggy if you wanna look on the bright side….gossip….the ever stellar B* has been keeping company with No Doubt of late.Guess that she smoked all of B-Reals dope then…No word on her eternal “Snoop-quest”…..Looking foward to playing all month….Somthing like 15 shows…Ozzy still wont admit that he is my dad but its only a matter of time….Devin out in Europe playing with the DTP….Have nothing left to hock…feeling dangerous….snigger….Pretty much writing another [on top of THIS one!] album with Ash……Internal violence reigns….saw a knife on 17th st that I desire….we are gonna be on TV….2 hour co hosting on the radio this weekend [“…….And that is why Slayer rule.Thank you and goodnight”]

I would like to leave you now on a line that made me choke on a honey peanut while rolling dow the Red Deer trail heading west only this afternoon….

“I only feel guilty untill I know that I havent been caught.”
-R.Ian.Delux.Bassgod.Esquire.

I think that there is somthing in that for all of us.Please discuss.Goodnight.

SF4L
Michele

Sunday Oct 3rd…RV hellcat livin’dirty large.

The boys are about to peal out to that bar that I was telling you about.Ho-hum.Back in Calgary….Cold as all shit wearing Jays Venom shirt and a big smile.Delux chatting about pimping us out in Japan after we finish the Album.Me thinking about what the hell I am gonna do.Thinking about foisting myself onto the new brothers that I have found in BC,Could end up in LA again,Construction work? [“Madden! Break was over 10 minutes ago!”] Delux has got Me set up on his wizbag supercool lap top.Oh Man,back after the most Baccainalin 2 weeks on record.Picture Caligulia with The Stooges doing the soundtrack.I think that I have got all my mates hangovers by proxy…

Walking out of the Astoria this morning round 5am was one of the hardest things ever.

We got to play the most killer show at the Waldorf thanx to the Goddess putting it on.She also let us eat her out of house and home in the time honored tradition of starving musos/promoters.Widowmaker opened.No,Not the one with Dee Snider….A bunch of relly cool dudes who mover to BC from some hell hole to make their music dreams come true.Really fuckin solid old skool action so as you can imagine Val and I were making The claw and cackiling like feinds.Jay,the towering lead singer [And all you sikfuks who know me know how big a motherfucker has gotta be for me to rate them as towering!]was wearing my Fave Venom longsleave…

I ran the theory by my band that if I threaten to kick the shit out of someone at the start of the nite that one in six will just end up giving me their teeshirt rather than getting their ass kicked over it…..I had no idea that it would WORK!.Thanx for the tee-shirt jay!He came up and gave it to me after I came off stage and danced with a beavy of BC beauties to Wayne Newton….Sweet.

Pig noises please! I am still wearing it 24 hours later.Rock and roll.Oink!

This thing is nuts to type on.

Ok.So Me and Gene saw the sun come up every fuckin day! Out of the ball park! Poor Ron Barbour had his hands full when he put us on the Radio together…it was totally great!I wonder what all the full blown metalheads thought about the spate of Skynard songs let loose on the air…We have no concept of how to behave when we are together.Man!The ammount of new bands that I have been exposed to in 2 weeks and the people who make the noise happen are amazing.
Y’all know that I have the best taste in the world [HEH!]So try and check out…
Punchdrunk
Just cause
Tard
The Goalers
Corb Lund band

Thats just for starters my darlins!

I manage to get myself into some pretty awsome situations thats for sure…..
“Michele,we are playin’ hookey tonite,get your shit together girl…We are going to Minestry…”
“WAHHHHHHHH!!!!, we gotta get Delux!”

So back to the trailer park and onto full blown carnage.So cool.But wait…there is more.

I got to meet Jello Biafria.
Lets just take a moment to sit with that shall we?
Round 1987 my pre-teen life was a total steaming pile of agnst ridden crap.I was stuck in a small town where all the girls wore pastels and listened to top 40.If you read for fun you were the anti christ.So between hiding out in the library stoned to the gills [ I would like to thank Stones green ginger and the dude at the Belconnen mall bottle shop who never carded me.Cheers.] and wishing that the Lost boys lived in my ‘hood,I hung out on the fringes at a record store called Impact that was above a really cool cinema called Electric shadows that messed up my life when I saw “Sid and Nancy” there and couldnt decide If I wanted to be Sid or Nancy more……Oh man “Dogs in Space” and “Ghosts of the civil dead” same effect on my peanut brain.

They usta have listening posts.Cool for broke asses like me.I always saw the small gaggle of punks and freaks round the chess pit and it was all I wanted.I guess that makes me totally uncool to admit that I was not born with an Exploited record in one hand but I was just a pathetic surburban peice of redneck trash whose cousins listened to nothing But Jimmy barnes.And had sex with each other for all I know…I digress.

I knew where I was going and that involved records that would make paint peal.Miss Alexx who now runs Feind magizine was a huge help in my treck to cool music.The dead milkmen,Sisters of Mercy,The dead kennedys,The birthday party…all the good shit and I am greatful to this day.She was a few years up from me in the misery that was catholic school and The wings that she spread over my mind still shade me.

So there I was ,Face to face with an icon who made me question everything.And all I could think of was the 1st time I ever heard “Too drunk to fuck” It was hard not to swoon.Miss Ani Kyd intoduced me and gave him our album.He told me to say hey to Blackie and Ray and that it was nice to meet me.Gene was smiling at my fan boy self.

Al rolled by looking like the pirate that I belive him to be.Me being handed beers that I fobbed off onto the rest of the crew.

And all I could think is “How the fuck did a dipshit like me get here?”
I have a livid purple bruise on my thigh from pinching myself.

Playing last nite and I look out [squint…] into the room and there is Byron and Gene,Miss Ani and Val from Zimmers hole,Cam from Punchdrunk,Patrick from Just cause.All the beauties of BC.Magdilina,Tammi..Slow dancing with Miss Steph to Fleetwood Mac [“Fortune favors the brave..” I grinned like a wolf, the smell of her skin like heaven in my scared arms for a song…..]..On to the Asbolt to say goodbye to Miss Wendy…..

“What do you call a useless cunt who hangs out with the band?…ME!!!!” -Just before blowing up the PA.
Flew the flag at the last show.Thongs are the way to go.If you dont like people in the front row you can slap em without getting your hands dirty.Heh.

Hearing the new Strapping and singing the parts that I was lucky enough to get to work on under my breath hiding under my dreads with a goofy smile on my face.I shed more than one tear over the last 2 weeks belive me.

Stu? You rule Man! I cant stop listening to Corb Lund Band.

Its about the ammount of swag that I garnered on this run! Fuck me! I met Kelly from Blasfamy.When I ran into him and his lovely lady Miss Erin at the Commodore they gave me the DOOM hoodie.As did Miss Wendy 13 of the astoria [ “The asbolt”] That is my Fave Bar In all of Vancouver thats for sure.No matter where I go in the world that is “The Bar” That I always end up in.Christ,Its the bar that I grew up in.Anywhere my cons stick to the carpet? You’ll find me there with the cream of the crop lying on the pool table writing my broken ass out.Rolling stones and my beloved J.Cash [R.I.P] on the juke,The smell of Jager in the air,Crack heads on the back wall talking to the transvestites and the welfare lifers.

Lets just say that if Vancouver was a woman?
Color me pussy whipped.

Now back to the gym and recording in small town hell.Sigh.It will keep me pissed off enough to deilver a killer sound to y’all.The boys are sounding amazing thats for sure.Back to smoking joints on the front lawn in the freezing cold.[That would be Ash.] Taking care of all our rotten asses.[ That would be Delux] drumming his ring out and eating everything thats not tied down [come on down Mike.]

And old useless here.

Delux being the total kitten that he is has lent me the dollars to re-new my gym membership.He is so paitent with my dumb ass that it boggles my mind.Its such a difficult situation.I would dig having a job…yeah,dont adjust your set,you read that right,but I am needed [cue laugh track] at the strangest times so i end up withg empty hours on stand-by maybes.That is some killer action right there.But all along I cant imagine anything finer than that time on stage.

Cant train for the next few days anyway as I did that excellent trick of passing out on a bench the size of a matchbox for 10 hours in sweaty rags.My whole left side is dead.I have managed to stay passed out through some pretty amazing terrain thats for sure.Thanks to dodgy Dr Feelgood types Delux didnt spend the trip home hanging from the roof doing that imaginary “Foot pumping break” move that drivers with control issues pull when some one else is behind the wheel.

Ash just rolled in.So funny watching everyone hiding food all over the bus.I am all about the shakes so when I wake up to no milk I am not real happy.Mike thinks that breakfast 3 times a day is valid between the other 3 or so meals that he nails so now Ash is hiding his frootloops or whatever some where in the bowels of the bedroom.Ross eats things that most humans dont so he is pretty much safe to a degree ‘cept when my PMS tells me that sardines may be a good idea at 3am…never quite pans out.

The worst part is that, as Ash calls it, they are all “Acoustically challenged” What this means in laymans terms is that they sound like a zoo at feeding time.I have to leave the room or listen to my walkman at top volume.They all get super bithcy when i pull them up on it too.

Ash is so fulla shit.He keeps telling me and Delux that he is gonna start a diary called “The Truth” as he is sick of his grandmother reading about him being a drug taking fag on our pages.Nanna! This does not stop us admiring and working with your super talented pointy headed degenerate grandson! Far from it!It just gives us more facets of his personality to admire.We are always on the lookout for a suitable young boy,dealer or rehab center at any given time so rest assured that we have his best interests at heart.I would not score him drugs if I didnt now would I?

Devin? we will always burn and that is what makes us what we are.
I dont want to be anything else.

I am blownout and broken but there is nothing finer.I am gonna go and check out the real world.Belive me when I tell you that that jolly adventure will be rather short lived.My banking details will be up in the Next Whitetrash. Yeah….that broke.

SF4L
Michele.

Damn!

So much is going on.
The couple of days that I got to spend at The Strapping compound were out of this world.I sang my ass out.So cool. Gene has been taking A-one care of me as always.We have been closing bars down all over this city.I have seen the sunrise every day.I have a severe case of “Keith Richads-itis”.
Getting ready to play the Waldorf this Saturday.
Cant wait,
Just Cause are totally amazing.
On yeah.I am on the rag and that means that Delux is as well.He is sitting two seats down from me writing postcards and iIgotta pay for his net use.I bleed and he gets to be a cunt? I have never worked that one out but its just the way it goes….
Mikey is over at Skeezer-ville studios and Manning has got the shits with Me yet again and is recording.
tells me to fuck off cause, quote, “Your so fucking rude…”
Lets all take a moment to file that under “Duh!” shall we?
Thank you.
I gotta blow this pop stand but I swear I will be back to give y’all the super SYL fable as soon as I can.
I am gonna get delux a chocolate on the way home…I hear that it helps with the cramps.
To all that are flinging the talk…BDO? Cant say yet.
When are we comming back?
More of the above.
Keep on everyones asses out there for us.We depend on y’all to keep pushing while we are gone.Keep on the forums and request lines.You rule and we owe ya.
Keep your eyes pealed for the new clip for “Dont blame me”
Mohalk boy is getting pissy i gotta go.
SF4L
Michele.

If ya wanna ride baby,ride the wild horse…

 -Kyuss I

 would like to open this rant by begging for Money/Tattoos/More money and a shed somewhere. Thank you. I am figuring that the road is pretty much the least indulgent place you could ever find yourself.

Cant remember who said it but it is allabout the other 23 hours in the fucking day……. Ran into a bunch of trustafarian Emo punks last night…..Please dont let that be a sign of inpending doom.They played like old people fuck anyway and then they come out and look down at me.

Yeah…yeah…yeah…. Saw a lanky punk boy who was taller that me!

We both sized each other up in shock.It was kinda funny.

I guess that I just get used to looking at peoples dandruff. I dunno what the date is as I cannot read Korean and I have lost my worksheet as always.Its a few days since my last sad assed effort thats for sure.

Woke up after dreaming of huge boob implants and ants on a picnic to Delux regailing the Bus of tales of his nocturnal tussles with Ash over a fine Nubian Princess.

I rolled over and went back to reading my book.Went on a hike throuh the very lush country side to get here today.I followed the rail tracks.Kind of like a one woman version of “Stand by me”. But not at all.Which reminds me that Delux once had a life size poster of River Phoenix lovingly tacked to the back of his door.The mind boggles does it not?.

He took my last fifty cents before he bailed so I better type fast.

I found heaps of really cool places to hide a body if the need ever arises…some times I feel like I am making great strides towards THAT day, lemme tell ya…..I think roadkill is cool but trainkill? Awsome.I think I was looking at a dog..dont quote me……for about a mile.A paw here,an ear there.

I got some photos and whistled Ben.e.King all the way here.So much blood.Smell was pretty ripe as well.

This place is lush and when I hear that train I get a jones to write country songs.I am just glad that I made it out of bed to tell the truth.I have had a real motherfucker of a dark cloud hanging round me…wait!

Thats just Mike! kidding!

We got a lock out for the next week in this most skeezy studio.Moi? Love it even if I dont sing cause the PA is shot to shit.

[ “Price check on cool aid…”]

I just lean on the coke machine pretending to look enigmatic.Its the look that makes old people say “Cheer up love! It might never happen” So much for cool. Ted,the dude who runs it endeared himself to me off the bat.

He was twiching like a crackhead and then explained in rather colorful venacular that he had a hot date and had to get going. heh. They have no concept of sound proofing in this country.

7 rooms 7 bands…I will leave it up to your imagination.

Delux looked pained but from where I was curled on the stairs it was all good.I am calm when surrounded by that much noise.A bunch of crusty punks with Eye-hate-god damage on speed invited me to their show at the Astoria on Saturday nite.

Viking me is totally up for it. Mike has finally calmed down or found Deluxes stash of benzos…Dont know which but I am profoundly greatful.Onto the skytrain to drum his ass off every day now.Good shit.Dave hired us a van for the week.Natch when we pealed out last nite we decided to go on a recon.The anorexic locust contingent were rubbing their hind legs together in the back seat so we made a pit stop at Wendys and rolled down town. Downtown Vancover is a real sight to behold.

In the early 90’s crack hit hard here and for a 12 block radius it is like Ramiros “Night of the living dead” I heard that they shut down the local bughouse round the same time and just let em go onto the steet. So what you are looking at is every type of disorder with a habit and nothing to loose.

Saw this woman with a hunch back in shorts and a sports bra…and This was not a warm night…staggering across the road to find her next rock. It reminded me of a more skanky Alphebet city.Kinda like Algiers in NOLA.

These streets are teaming.

Thing is,if I had to live here that is where I would naturally head for.Sick but true.We did a poster run the other day [ some things never change] and made our way to the Brickyard where we are playing with Just Cause this weekend. First off they had Lynard Skynard playing.Instant points.This is a chicken wire situation.

I fell for it the second we rambled through the door.Circular bar and red lights.The kind of place where they hang a sign above the trough saying “Dont eat the big mint…” We postered all empty surfaces ,pulled up a pew and ordered a round from the lovely Thurza who gave us a run down on the neigbourhood. She has been working there for 6 years and had all the stories to go with it.[“If ya see a big fat dude in a wheelchair dont give him shit! That motherfucker can walk!” ]

It was then that Cowboy across the bar said. “There is a body down in the park…” “Anyone we know” Asked Thurza. “Well” drawled Cowboy “Its kinda hard to say” “Why? What does she look like” Demnded our barkeep ,hands on hips. “Purple Thuza,She looked purple.”

No one reported it so she coulda been there all week,I may go down to the river and see if she is still there after the show. I knew that we were in the right place when I spotted the first fit on the pavement.That orange cap that heralds your arrivaI in shitholes the planet over. Empty bottle snatched up fast for the refunds.Homless people you can smell before you see em’. I am a card carrying unashamed squalor feind.

I belive in hotels that charge by the hour and jaded whores.Sue me.When ever shit is to clean pure or new I can smell the decay.That is where the real rot lies.Behind the display home lies and $799 “nothing to pay” lounge settings. That is the cling wrapped shit that makes me jump at the smallest noise…But gimme red neon and a note book and I will give you the world.Angels dancing on the head of a pin baybee, The Misfits are playing here soon.

Dez from my beloved Black Flag is in the line up.So many shows and soooo little money. Makes me with that I had some rello that liked me [“Oh stop!!! My fucking SIDES!”] anyway,they could be loaded and totally understanding enough of my freak flag flying ass to, I dunno, Die, and leave me enough dosh to swing like a gate till I buy the farm….Yeah.

Then I woke up with my hand down my pants again….. I start robbing people or dealing drugs….HA! Yeah right! I am gonna take my sober ass bar hopping tonite with Gene.Cant stay on that goddamed bus all the time. I dig you letters so! Keep the faith. SF4L Michele.

In a rust cape/ I ran to the water/

Panic / A bird loose inside Me / I never found you in silence and liquid / And I miss you endless….

-Shallow…..
-Kyuss.

I am nailing y’all from a Koren netcafe in downtown Vancover.I feel like I am in some neon drenched out take from Bladerunner.Not such a bad thing.I ran into Delux and Smash on the way here and they infromed me that I gotta be back at 5 cause Dave has scored us a lock out on a roon for the week which will hopefully stop Mikey from crossing the line into what I am sure to him would be justifable homicide.Hes got that flinchy eye action happening at the moment so I keep my head low.I know whats fuckin good for me.

Our trailer park,much to the disapointment of my romantic heart, is really upscale.I was hoping for fat people in stained white underwear,drinking 40oz Nighttrains sitting in lawnchairs…..I would felt like I had reached some kinda mecca ya know?

Oh well.

Thanx for all birthday wishes from all round the world.Y’all manage to touch me in places that I dont even wash…..

Delux and I ventured out to get a nine volt battery last niht and got home 7 hours later.
Components to this adventure?
Korean food.
Irish pubs
Flat beer
Pink baseball caps.
Peeing on the wall at Sears
The best of Queen
Thrift shops
Lack of Karoke
Fat chicks dressed like Paris hilton
A suet faced goth girl
Sake
french fries
Stupid dancing.

I gotta get gone.Sorry that this is not the roadburn epic that y’all deserve.I got a whole mess of grey shit flying round in my bruised brain.

I will make it up to ya’ll.

If I sit here any longer its gonna get ALL wrong and I dont feel like cutting that vein today.

SF4L
M.

When I die,bury Me on My stomach and let the world kiss my ass.

-LL Cool J.

-I need a saga…whats the saga?.
-QOTSA.

Blah,blah,blah…….If I keep up like this I am gonna shave my head,buy a black hoodie and a new wallet chain, cry in public so people with think that I am sensitive and start a fucking emo band with some spaced out name with too many words in it.[“And by the blood on the trail of tears she died” ect…whatever.]

I will snap out of it.I HATE this time of year.I am so totally sure that I am the result of a drunk New years eve fuck. I bet she didnt even come.Another year closer to death.Great.Woo.

Haunted and hunted.

I sank like Ophilia in chlorine and piss at the pool last night.My hair like seaweed drowning me….Lasted about a half hour in the Jacuzzi.Would have been longer ‘cept all these old dudes were blathering on and I was trying to re-read “Hearts of darkness” by J.Conrad.
Books tend to wilt in the steamroom, clock that one up to experence.
I walk home, the night air slapping me silly.Stuck in my rotten brain….
I think about everything that is poison
I think untill I cant see.
I never seem to resolve, to let go.
At least my memories know my name and what I drink.
There is perfection there.
The kind that is unachivable here.
3 blocks home and I think…

No more salt for you.For what you did and caused.No more salt wasted for how I felt.Memories of you writhing like maggots in my chest cavity.Leaving bones white and clean.Free of your red tipped sinning harm.I will be a mobile cathedral.A wanton saint devoted to the loss of you.
Touch my scars and see.
The sweat that heals.
Heres a wooden nickle……
Dick.

Ross told me that he would not love me after I get all my back and arms tattooed.

Thanx.

As all readers of this endless pap know,I always need a coffee shop to camp at and volia! I have found one.Corrine and Ashley at Blends are so cool.I mooch in looking all drained and suspect after yet another killer work out and like magic there is everything I want.I dont even have to order.

Sweet.

The locals are trying to put the fear of god into me about the inpending winter.Ner,ner,ner! I called Gooch and if it all gets to much I am heading for Tucson with my frozen tail wedged between my legs.

The weather is also endevoring to drown my most beloved city in the world before I have had a chance to buy a fucking house there.Any of my New Orleans crew reading this? Get the hell outta dodge! Please!

Got an email from my big brother who told me that The Pod People show was one of the best he has ever seen…..sigh……Fuck y’all who got to go! Green with envy.Go and Checkout Nunchuckka Superfly at the Exclisor.I think that they are playing every Wednesday.

Been in a weird mood for the last few days.trying to get back inside myself without damaging anyone around me.Never an easy task.I lay in my bunk last nite blinking into the dark till about 2 in the morning.Not even a hearty dose of Sam Elliot could calm me down.Mikey rolled in round then and then Ash at 4 somthing.

On the bright side its not as if we are all gonna go crazy because we already are.

Most of what I am writing and thinking at the moment is pretty bleak.That dont mean that I am fucked up.Just in my natural state I guess.If I am ever really happy? That is when you should worry.And call a priest….

Its amazing the things that you let consume you.They just spring out of your locked chambers at the most itchy and unwelcome times.

Here I am on the other side of the planet.Stupid with obscure longing.Dirty and Flawed.And then there is you as I see you.You, in an easy time.Caught in a blameless place in some far away past.You…ago.

Clean and fluent in perfection.

Shit.

Try as I may to hate you ,you motherfucker….

I make myself sick.I would not know me.Nor want to.I could lie and fake some kind of modesty and say “Im Ok” then do one of those sick smiles.Not my style and I am pretty much as far from ok as you can get.

Save your lies babe.

I am outta here.

[ did you notice? was there a lack….?]

I want to be greater than the sum of everything that ever fucked with me.

I will die trying.

So much of me wants to tell you exactly what I think of you.What you mean to me.All the details and sleepless nights.I got this fucked logic thing going on that tells me that if I did then it would be your issue.A passing of the buck.Your problem instead of mine.

And then maybe I could move on.You would not always be there.

You really have no idea ,do you?

I think that the relief would be tangible.

I also know that I have made a big enough fool of myself and that I will keep my mouth shut.

You are perfect and I see you in the weirdest places…..

I hang out in the park across the way.Hang upside down on the monkey bars forever plugged into my discman.Feel like an 8 year old trapped in the wrong body.Free clothes thanks to the spoilt kids who play football in the park and leave their shit behind.Hell! I am shameless I will take what I can get where I can get it.

The hockey was a blinder and Canada won.Natch.3-2.

Ash is banging away down in the basement till all hours.Such a strange pointy headed little man….he is on a real jag and I know that will bode well for me once we get back from this next run of dates.He wont let Me hear anything yet and I totally respect that.

HO!

So yeah…..I got this Nikki Sixx action going on with heaps of new silver adorning my wrists.Sweet.

The B* is still in LA as far as I can work out.I cant wait To get down To California again [hmmm,shades of Zepplin yet again…] Heres hoping for Xmas cause by then I would have had sub zero temps up the fucking wazoo.

Thanks for all the mail and dirt from home.
I thought that I was having a stroke and then I realized that y’all made me smile.

Cheers.

SF4L
Michele

The story upon which I embark is one full of incident,

marked by bitter fighting, rent by treason,and even in peace sinister…..
-Tacitus,the Histories.

-I know where I am going and I know the truth and I dont have to be what you want me to be.I am free to be what I want.
-Muhammad Ali.

-And now I understand,you leave with everything….
-C.Love [ For Miss V.]

You know who you are and I want you to know that you are not your parents.I want you to know that I do not think ill of you because of them and the missguided bullshit that they have filtered through down to Me.Stay strong.You are a good person and they are not.You tell me that the Music helps .Let it ,every chance you get.I have my own sounds that I run too as well.

You are a sikfuk.Its cool.

Some random shit from the road…

I come home from the gym and there the 3 of them are.Skynard lyrics jump to my tounge and as I cross the road to be met with their blank stares, I mutter “I think im in some kind of conspirisy”

When I am the closest is when I am the most alone.

I have issues with myself when I dont confront.When I dont fight.Big ones.Better out than in right?

Remember…all that shit that you run from? It is Ecstatic! Stoked! You are giving it what it wants.

Run on little dawg…..

Ash can call me a Neanderthal all he wants.I am not the one spooning my bassplayer.

Rollins is running through my bruised cortex “You get one shot Mish” He sternly says to Me “Dont miss”. I want to reassure both him and my spastic self that I wont.

I am doing what it takes.Is that not perfectly fucking clear?All else falls.I see them dodge and weave.All and sundry getting pissed off at me being true to myself.My mantra a constant low roar of ‘Fuck you ,eat me”. I got an idea.Why dont ya’ll inform me when I am ment to give a shit about not being a lo-fi,corprate cock sucking,flesh bound,mobile lie machine and I will bake a fucking cake.

Ross has given Me a list of people that he does not wanna hear about.Due to the fact that the list contained the 5 or so people that I know of, conversations are now limited to the weather.

Too often you find in life that there is no-one.

I talk to myself and am sure to feel every inch of the lack.I know the freedoms that it gives me.I dont claim to know more than anyone else but in a world full of people waiting to talk it is an affordable grace to learn how to listen.

Delux and I ended up in a bar yesterday afternoon.[“Buffalo wings! 5 cents!” ” Dude!,when was the last time you saw a flying buffalo besides that time on acid?” “They dont fly cause their wings are being served in bars!” …..] It was cool.2 beers and a shot of Jager later[Ross not me!] and a good juke box turns a motherfucker like me into a total cowboy. You gotta see this place.Phone off the hook by the door.[“I miss you darlin'” …..] Vegas gone ripe decor circa 1985.Yeah,yeah…I was in hog heaven.7 songs for 2 bucks and they had Skynard and G’n’R so it was all Amos and Andy.

Delux gives good cheap beer buzz devotion and one damn fine Hendrix impersonation.

And I just roll on ’cause I am the Gold dust Woman tonite Stevie.

Tonite is the hockey final. I will be on the stairmaster.Ho-hum.Have told one of my mates back home that he is in for a smackdown when and if I get back.We are both trying to out train each other.Heh.Spoke to My bro Gooch out in Tucson last nite.So cool. I wanna head back to the desert the more I think about the winter.Me and a Kyuss album.Me spinning a circle of glee under a full moon.

Cacti……?
sigh.

Did a T-Shirt run last nite.seeing “SF4L” printed 100 times over makes me smile and my pupils flinch. My skin getting thinner and my soul getting meaner.

Gonna go break somthing….usually myself.

SF4L

Michele.